[further]

about a month ago at almost 17 weeks, I had 2 incidents of gushing blood. It felt like I was peeing. The blood was bright red with some brown clots. with both bleeds, I was rushed to the hospital within 15 minutes of the bleeds. I was given dopplers and ultrasounds which showed that the baby was not in distress.

I was told that my placenta was suffering from a doubble whammy. almost full placenta privea and an abruption. I was told that I would either lose the baby or have the baby, that it could go either way. 2 weeks of complete bed rest later, my obgyn told me to see a high risk doctor an hour away for a level 2 ultrasound. I had it done and everything was measuring perfect. although the placenta had not moved up, the abruption had formed a scab.
I called my regular doctor who told me he would not feel comfortable seeing me anymore. I was left to spend hours trying to find a doctor who would take me.

Finally, I did find a doctor and my appointment was yesterday. this new doctor wanted to explain to me why the old doctor felt uncomfortable taking me. He showed me a chart stating that my doctor had urged me to terminate and that having my conditions could possibly lead to complacations due to pre term labor such as ceribal palsey. this new doctor told me that I still had the option of termination and that even though my level 2 showed a healthy baby and although I had not bled in a month and still showed a stong heart beat, there was no way of telling how much damage was done and that I should considering terminating beofre it was too late to do so.

This broke my heart people!!!! high drama! mad tears. The doctor told me to go to the hospital pronto to see a high risk doctor to check my placenta and to get another level 2. I went to the hospital and the doctor told me that even though termination was an option, he felt that I had a good chance of getting through this fine. He told me that if he felt I needed to terminate, he would be honest with me. Although my placenta had not moved up almost completly covered my cervix, the abruption had formed a large scab which meant it was healing. The placenta was all one color which is good and the blood flow to the baby was normal. The baby was moving around and measured slightly big a 20 week girl. The doctor told me to see him again in two weeks to check my cervix and after that, I could see a regular doctor. I was advised to just stay off my feet. He told me that everything looked fine about 10 times and said that he has seen much worse.

my question is, if the baby seems to be so okay, why are doctors advising me to terminate my child? I don't understand. I know that I should just ignore considering termination is NOT an option to me but because of what they said, I am being haunted by images of my child suffering, having brain damage, not being able to walk, being born at 25 weeks, being stillborn. These thoughts are what keeps me up at night and I can't make it stop.

Before yesterday, I was feeling pretty optimistic but after hearing those words "advise to terminate....pre term birth....ceribal palsey" all I can feel is depressed. and it doesnt matter what the high risk doctor told me yesterday. I saw the charts and heard those horrible words. The damage is done.

my doctor told me not to look for answers becuase I would not find them but I have questions!

1:why on earth would i terminate a baby that is measuring perfect and seems unaffected by my placenta problems?
2: will my placenta move up?
3: what are the chances that my abruption won't heal correctly?
4: will I go into early labor? What are my chances of going to full term
5: will I need a c section
6: will my past hemorages affect my child?
7: if my old doctor is recomending termination because he is afraid of liability, how many women has he offered this option to and were they also healthy babies like mine. What if god fobid a woman with a healthy child took his advise?

So....yeah....I rambled again! Sorry, bed rest makes you crazy you know. I wouldnt mind the best rest either if I knew things were okay