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So I've been cranky all day (so the mini-pill affect your mood?? I started taking it 3 days ago)...
then tonight I decided to clear out my hotmail account. Between Facebook and our home email account I really don't check my hotmail account at all. So I'd nearly deleted everything when I discovered an email from a friend - from 3 months previously....and my cranky day got infinitely worse!
It was written the day I'd taken the boys to visit her when I was about 8 months pregnant. She wanted to let me know that I had redirected her daughter when she was talking to her and she didn't appreciate it...ouch!!!
I actually can't remember back to what I might have said but I'm mortified to think that I would have corrected her parenting style. I know I read a lot and if someone asks me something I guess I 'think' I am helping by saying 'well I read this or I read that' etc, but I think I need to realise that mostly spouting off about something I've read is not welcome.
I'm not really sure what I said or did for the most part (she gave me one example), all I know is I feel really cr*appy now!! She is a bit of a spiritual person (like some of her facebook status updates don't even make sense to me sometimes!!).... the one thing she did say was that Grace pretended she had a puppy in her shirt and she was saying something to Grace about it and then I said something about her just having a good imagination and she didn't appreciate that because she has been around artists who live in a fantasy world where they aren't in touch with reality and that Grace needs to learn the difference (ie. it's okay if she says there's dragons in the trees, but not that there's a puppy in her shirt - okay I admit I'm slightly confused but anyway..). She herself is an artist who I actually did think had started to lose a bit of touch with reality herself so it was interesting to get that perspective on what she teaches Grace about imagination etc.
Anyway i shouldn't try to justify myself. I emailed back and said thanks for the feedback - it's good to learn something about myself (even if it was hard to hear) - and obviously while I 'think' I am trying to help if I've read something relevant to what she's talking about, I have to remember it's probably not appreciated.
Sorry I know I'm just rambling. I just feel really sh*tty. I AM glad to know it, but I guess I have thin skin and it did hurt to read it.
ETA: I guess perhaps it means I need to be more honest in my relationship with her too. A while ago she went on about epidurals and the effect of the drugs on the baby and c-sections and why they were so bad for the baby etc. Now she knows that (at that point) I had had two c-sections and therefore epidurals and the way she said it I guess I did feel angry/hurt, like once again I have to feel bad about my choices.
She got pregnant from a one night stand and I know this is petty because she wasn't planning to get pregnant, but she was smoking pot and drinking the night she conceived, and continued to smoke pot and drink until she knew she was pregnant, and I guess I was angry from her comments and so I pettily thought well if the drugs I put into my body at full term when I had my baby were so bad, then surely so were the drugs/alcohol bad for her baby at the time of conception. I didn't say it of course.
Sigh... perhaps this is a (long) friendship that has run it's course and best for the both of us if we amicably part ways.
Thanks to Meganpixel for my beautiful siggie!
Last edited by mum74; June 10th, 2010 at 04:45 AM.
She sounds umm interesting?
I know we all have opinions on raising our children ( seems weird you can believe in a unicorn but not pretend to have a puppy in your shirt), and we can take it personally when someone says something different but it can be used to look at what your doing and see if it is the best.
Same with pregnancy and birth, we can each have our views, but circumstances and other views do not make something wrong.
Have you been in touch with her since the visit when you were 8 months pregnant? She may end up being one of those friends that you see every once in a great while, but not close to. I've had to do that with some of my old friends too.
Anyway- we love you here and feel free to vent and ramble all you want!!
Oh Lenore, I'm sorry . It sounds like she went a little overboard. The whole imagination thing is weird, I guess our kiddos pretend weird things all the time and are still living in reality. As a friend, I guess I wouldn't hesitate to share my thoughts/feelings either. I don't think you did anything wrong. That's what friends do. I know in my life, if a friend of mine corrects one of my children, they usually have it coming . I trust my friends enough to be able to do that. Sounds like it might be a good time to "re-evaulate" this friendship. Sometimes certain friends just aren't meant for the long haul. I don't mean that in a mean way, just people move on and change. That's okay. Don't feel bad about letting go if that's what's best.
I'm sorry she got on your case about epidurals and c-sections. I am a pro natural birthing mom-for ME. But would do whatever was required to have a healthy baby and mama. But we all get to make our choices, and my choice, or her choice is not the only "right" way. Sometimes we don't have a choice. And just because we have a choice, it doesn't give anyone the right to belittle your choice. I hope you have had good births and it doesn't taint your memory of them. I'm sorry she made those comments. It was out of line. But it is all a part of silly mommy wars. Who breastfeeds/formula feeds, cloth/disposible, etc. And it keeps going even when they are bigger. There are just so many things we all do different, but that doesn't make it wrong.
I'm not sure if this was helpful or not. I've been interrupted 3 times while writing it. Shame on me for not getting up earlier to do it. You mentioned your friend was "spiritual". I'm not sure if that means she's religious or not. But you all know that my faith is strong and I hope it never comes off as me feeling superior. I don't intend that, ever. But I also speak of my faith, it is central to who I am. I hope people can tell my love for Jesus by my actions, not my words.
I'm not sure if this was helpful at all Lenore it was written very choppy. I hope you are having a better day and know that we all care about you and I think you are a terrific mom to your trio. And if you want to ever come over and "redirect" any of my kiddos, feel free!
Jesus loving, homeschooling, gardening lover, devoted wife to a wonderful hubby and 10 kids, ages 13 down to 12.5 months . We are expecting number 11 due January 1st, 2015.
Thanks ladies. Yes Sam she is interesting!! She has been changing a lot the last few years which isn't a bad thing of course but I guess I have started to realise previously that our paths are probably very different now. We haven't seen each other since I was 8 months pregnant - we don't catch up all that often as we don't live close by but perhaps also she was avoiding me and I just didn't know it !!!!
No mari you don't come off sounding superior at all with your faith! If anything I think you are quite careful when you talk about your beliefs! She is not spiritual in a religious way - more in a 'walking with the fairies' type thing which she considers spiritual...which is why I don't understand a lot of what she says on facebook...and why I'm not quite sure where she draws the line on the imagination thing with her daughter where pretending one animal is real is okay and pretending another animal is real isn't okay. But, feedback is good because most people would talk behind your back rather than tell you what they're thinking .
I do feel better this morning - still a little wounded perhaps because it really did knock my confidence, but I'll get over it!
She did have a natural birth which is fantastic but like you said, there are so many points of 'contention' amongst mothers!... I am lucky to be able to breastfeed, she was breastfeeding but quickly supplemented and then lost her milk supply. I know I am very careful and don't ever say anything regarding things like that - I could have let her know that supplementing too much too soon might lead to a drop in the milk supply... but like the way we give birth, I know that is such a sensitive issue that I keep my mouth shut because I don't think the advice would be welcomed, and would probably make a mother feel worse rather than better if she hasn't asked for help. But I guess the c-section/epidural thing is close to her heart so she likes to talk about it and probably didn't consider it might have hurt my feelings (and that's where I guess I could have let her know that - but I hate conflict).
Anyway I'm starting to ramble again... thanks again ladies. I probably wouldn't have written it all out today- I guess I was just caught at a low point last night right before I went to bed and I often write things out to make me feel better, otherwise I just lie in bed and think think think! (which I still did a bit ).
Thanks to Meganpixel for my beautiful siggie!
Last edited by mum74; June 10th, 2010 at 03:03 PM.