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Well. That didn't go well at all.


Forum: Labor and Childbirth

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  #1  
March 30th, 2010, 06:28 AM
WhoaMomma!'s Avatar Danielle
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 8,446
Last night I sat my DH down and asked him to talk to me about some of my lingering resentment over my daughter's birth. I need to make an appt to go back and see my midwives, and I have been struggling with so much anger at them (well kinda at everyone) that I have been putting it off. So I wanted to lay all my cards on the table and ask him if he thought it was be inappropriate for me to confess how I am feeling to THEM and ask them to discuss the events surrounding Claire's birth and some of the decisions that were made. He was great and obliged me with barely an eye roll and for the most part without the wild-eyed look that he used to get whenever birth was mentioned (you know the ....... "oh sh*t, she's gonna lose it again!" look).

But in the course of the conversation, I mentioned some statistics about VBAC and homebirth and he categorically refused to even discuss homebirth as a future option (wouldn't even agree to read some articles if I printed them!) because "there's no such thing as a home cesarean. And we both know that's where you will end up next time. There's no way your body is ever going to produce a baby and begin labor spontaneously before 42 weeks. And we're not playing Russian Roulette with our babies' lives by sitting around until 43....44.....45?! weeks waiting for you to either start labor or the baby to strangle itself on the cord." And I said that next time I would see a chiropractor the entire pregnancy and if the baby was positioned correctly and didn't have a nuchal cord then the experience could be totally different. I could go into labor at 39 weeks for all we know! And he just kept shaking his head and then dropped this bombshell: "Its not going to happen, Danielle. You were nowhere near going into labor at 41.5 weeks. You won't be anywhere near it next time. You're always going to run out of time and end up in an OR. The OB told me that when she came to the nursery to discuss your surgery and let me know everything was OK. Your midwife was standing right there and didn't offer any dissenting opinion. Your mom even concurred. Everyone knows this to be a fact and accepts it but you. When are you going to let go of this obsession with vaginal delivery?" And I got upset and told him he didn't know what he was talking about and mentioned that I had discussed VBAC protocols with the midwives while they were prepping me for the c/s and in the hospital room a couple days later and at my 6 week visit and they never once said it couldn't be done. They just said I might be better off with a homebirth midwife who would let me go past 42 weeks. And he said that they just didn't have the heart to tell me it wasn't going to happen. That nobody did. They said what I needed to hear to not fight them on the c/s and afterwards what I needed to hear to come to some semblance of peace with it. He said that for a hospital-based CNM to suggest an HBAC is all but admitting she doesn't think it can be done and she is just offering up some desperate last-ditch hope for me to cling to bc she can't stand to be the one to tell me it won't happen.

This morning I'm not even angry. Or sad. Just kinda numb. I don't believe him. And I'm not sure if I'm in denial or just wishful thinking or if I'm right and EVERYONE else is wrong.

I just really needed to share that with someone so that it doesn't eat at me from the inside out.
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  #2  
March 30th, 2010, 06:40 AM
Platinum Supermommy
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Posts: 7,039
I'm sorry he couldn't be supportive.

I know you already know this, but just because your body wasn't ready for labor at 41.5 last time doesn't mean it will never be ready before then.

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  #3  
March 30th, 2010, 07:00 AM
3Sapphires's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: the mountain state
Posts: 11,166
Your DH was being a jack@$$

I'm so sorry
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  #4  
March 30th, 2010, 07:33 AM
lilflower
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I'm sorry he isn't being supportive. Hopefully his tune will change one day. ((hugs))
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  #5  
March 30th, 2010, 08:53 AM
ChicaChels's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: I'm a husker girl :)
Posts: 16,335
first of all, are you 100% positive on the exact day of conception? No! No one is, even with fertility treatment because there are so many factors that effect that! What if you were only 40w! Didn't your pedi say Claire could have EASILY baked for another week?

There are so many things you can do to help your body start preparing next time such as chiropractor (which you mentioned), acupuncture, herbs, etc. There is no need to think your body won't "ever" go into labor on it's own. You weren't given the chance so how the fuucuuuck do they know!!!!!

If I was in your position, I would tell sam to f&@#OJKLFJkldjalkjfakldsjalk FUCUUCK off and I would have a home birth and prove all those b!+Ches WRONG! He!!, I will fly out to DC and be your God D@MN DOULA!
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  #6  
March 30th, 2010, 09:34 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,741
You've said before that your labor/c-section experience wasn't good and that there was a chance that both you and your daughter could have died as a result of it all. I think a lot of how he feels and why he said a lot of what he said is because he's afraid of that happening again. And with all that happened and the scares you all went though, I can completely understand why he wouldn't want a homebirth... you and the baby you carry (and of course your daugher as well) are most important in his life and he wants you to be as safe as possible in a safe place where immediate action could be taken if something would go wrong. You can't really fault him for that... now the way he went about saying it wasn't exactly the right way to go about it at all, but maybe he felt that you weren't hearing him any other way? Have you guys talked about it before and maybe he feels that you are stuck in one idea and aren't even hearing him? I'm totally not saying the way he said what he did was ok, because it wasn't.. just trying to maybe look at it from his point of view. Maybe he even feels like you resent him somewhat for making the decisions he felt he had no choice but to make? I think sometimes we moms forget that while we are going through childbirth and doing the work behind it, our other half is going through it right along with us and it's no easier on them.


Quote:
Originally Posted by WhoaMomma! View Post
"Its not going to happen, Danielle. You were nowhere near going into labor at 41.5 weeks. You won't be anywhere near it next time. You're always going to run out of time and end up in an OR. The OB told me that when she came to the nursery to discuss your surgery and let me know everything was OK. Your midwife was standing right there and didn't offer any dissenting opinion. Your mom even concurred. Everyone knows this to be a fact and accepts it but you. When are you going to let go of this obsession with vaginal delivery?"

You've said before that your mom is an OB right? So maybe ask her about what your DH said here. He said your mom agreed at the time with the OB and Midwife, so ask her about it. Tell her you need honesty and not what you want to hear.. have her be brutally honest. Also talk to your midwifes about what your DH said here and see if they still feel this way. Maybe get copies of your medical records from your midwife and take them to another midwife/OB for a second opinion. If this is really what your DH is hanging on, the only way around it is to gather information specific to you.. not research about everyone else.. in order to convince him. I think saying that you'd never go into labor on your own is a bit out there.. every pregnancy is different as is every labor/delivery and to base that on a single delivery is off base. I'm really not trying to say your DH was right in what he said because it was pretty harsh the way he went about it, but I'm just trying to give you another perspective on it because I really think he's just scared that with the next one, if you aren't in a place where you could get immediate medical attention that maybe it won't be ALMOST a bad thing happening.. it'll be worse.
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Last edited by Mama to 4 Monsters; March 30th, 2010 at 09:36 AM.
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  #7  
March 31st, 2010, 08:50 AM
Isaeph's Avatar Jennifer the Momma
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Boise!
Posts: 16,196
I'm sorry. That really sucks. He can change though. Mine did. I didn't have a crash section, but probably would have if the hospital was slower that night (14 babies that night). My dh was 10000% against hb, even birth center birth until I was halfway through my pg with dd. Then he was still against hb until I was 35 weeks and came to him crying and desperate...and well researched. So yeah. Don't lose hope yet. Don't count on him getting educated either though.
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  #8  
March 31st, 2010, 11:09 AM
wonderfullymade's Avatar Doula & MW Apprentice
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Galveston, TX
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Oh hun!! I am so sorry!!!

Being able to be objective - I can see how hurt you were and how callous his words seemed. Him being a MAN, though, he was speaking out of fear! Men are protectors, hunters, gatherers... he has to do everything in his power to save and keep safe his family, and so the callous/mean reaction was a secondary emotion, the primary, I would bet $$ on it, was fear.

He has his own birth trauma to work through, and men rarely get the chance to do that.

With that said, I WOULD talk to your midwives about it, find a grief support group, a VBAC support group, and a doula to work with you NOW on the postpartum/healing part of it.

I have worked with many a woman who were induced for 1st births before their bodies were ready and they ended up in a cesarean... they then went on to have marvelous home AND hospital VBACs with no problems.

AND, on a side note, my last babe was 43 weeks and perfectly healthy.

((HUGS)) I am so sorry you are grieving this! Allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel, write your thoughts out in a journal - you TRULY are grieving.. and you will find yourself going through the stages of grief. This is healthy, natural, normal, and NECESSARY for you to work through, heal, and grow beyond this first experience so that you are emotionally healthy and ready for your next birthing time.

Take time, mama, to heal. You are in my T&P.
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  #9  
April 1st, 2010, 09:30 AM
Cheet_oh's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 9,989
He needs to calm down and be quiet and actually HEAR you. It's all bull. First experience, as another lady said, does not dictate subsequent ones. If you want VBAC next time, go for it, forget anyone who tells you no.

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  #10  
April 6th, 2010, 10:34 PM
Sk8ermaiden's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 5,791
I don't know you, but I always have to comment with the overdue thing.

I had zippo, zero signs of labor until the evening of 41 weeks 6 days, when I went into labor. My baby was PERFECTLY baked. I was charting and as sure of dates as you can be that way (within 2 days). There is a mom here who always has her babies at 43 weeks.

And there are doctors here who will tell you to get a homebirth midwife. What is means is "sure, you can have that, but I'm not the one who can/will give it to you."

Your husband was traumatized too. He wants you to do what he sees as the smoothest, easiest option so he doesn't have to deal with that fear again. But he doesn't get to sign you up for being cut open again. That is NOT fair or acceptable.

I am sorry. That sounds so hard. I can't imagine how hard that conversation was to listen to. You are NOT in denial.
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  #11  
April 7th, 2010, 09:32 AM
TheOtherMichelle's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 8,765
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sk8ermaiden View Post
I don't know you, but I always have to comment with the overdue thing.

I had zippo, zero signs of labor until the evening of 41 weeks 6 days, when I went into labor. My baby was PERFECTLY baked. I was charting and as sure of dates as you can be that way (within 2 days). There is a mom here who always has her babies at 43 weeks.

And there are doctors here who will tell you to get a homebirth midwife. What is means is "sure, you can have that, but I'm not the one who can/will give it to you."

Your husband was traumatized too. He wants you to do what he sees as the smoothest, easiest option so he doesn't have to deal with that fear again. But he doesn't get to sign you up for being cut open again. That is NOT fair or acceptable.

I am sorry. That sounds so hard. I can't imagine how hard that conversation was to listen to. You are NOT in denial.
Ditto.

I strongly recommend seeing if you have a local ICAN chapter and joining. The women there WILL understand where you are coming from and will be able to help you find providers who will support you. Maybe let them be your emotional outlet and leave your dh be for now, and when you have some second opinions and research then start talking to him again and taking him to appointments. I agree with the others that he is probably afraid and this is the way he expresses it, even though it was so unnecessarily harsh. *hugs*
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