[Banned-ZoesMom]

When we went to pick up Zoe yesterday afternoon, my mom told me to suck my belly in (she's always had a problem with my weight, even though I'm only 107.5lbs), because I "look like I'm 5 months pregnant". Mike then said "But she is pregnant" so I said "I'll be 6 weeks on Saturday and have an ultrasound on Tuesday. The doctor think it might be twins because my levels are much higher than they should be". She goes "Well, you're always having twins. And it's very irresponsible of you to be getting pregnant now. You're not the only one who lost those babies. What happened to waiting until December to try to get pregnant again?" I told her that I had every intention of taking the birth control that the doctor wanted me to start, so we didn't do anything around the time that I thought I ovulated, but that I must have ovulated late because I still became pregnant. She started to swear at me and tell me I'm irresponsible and should have used protection until then, yadda yadda, because "millions of people use condoms and don't get pregnant". "Mom," I said, "And millions of people do use condoms and do get pregnant, they're not 100% effective, says right on the package".

"B-S..protection is made so you don't get pregnant." So I told her that protection isn't foolproof, and she just waved me off, again, calling me irresponsible and told me not to talk to her about it. She said "Don't call me until you're in labour, because I don't want to get excited about a pregnancy that's not going to last."

I nearly cried. My mom wanted us to wait until we were 12 weeks before telling her of any new pregnancies, and I was doing that. Hard as it was, I was waiting until I was 12 weeks, but the beans were spilled. She said that I need to wait until Zoe is not a baby anymore before having more kids because she waited until I was almost 4 before having my brother. That's her. That was her choice. When I told her that I'll probably be needing a hysterectomy in the next year or two and don't have much longer to have another child, she again told me "B-S, you still could wait until December before getting pregnant again. That's still within your year".

She doesn't understand what it's like to love and lose in the same way that we did. Those babies were her grandchildren, but they were my children, they were life inside me, I carried them, and she doesn't understand the desire to want to hold another angel, a living one, after losing not only one, but two. Regardless of how long she tells me to wait..December, or 4 years, or when Zoe's in college, it'll never be long enough. Whose to say that if I did wait 4 years to have another child that I wouldn't imcarry again, right? It just doesn't matter to her, it'll never be long enough. I told Mike I was ready to go and walked out of the house, so as not to stress myself out about the situation. Mike had a talk with her too, telling her that I'm not the only one who did this, that he was involved too, and if she's going to get mad at anybody, not to single me out and get mad at me, but get mad at both of us. After all, it takes two to make a baby or two.

I'm not mad or angry at my mom. I am upset at her, but I do love her. I cannot get angry at her for a situation she doesn't and never will understand. She, nor anyone else in my family, have ever lost a child, let alone two. How can I get angry at her for something she doesn't understand? No matter what she or anyone thinks, I an so happy about this pregnancy. This bean or these bens are very sticky, and come December, I'll be holding one or two in my arms.

I love her, and I know she'll come around. I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

[proudmommato4]

I am sorry that you are going throught this with your mom. You don't need any added stress now. I am sure in time she will come around.

[NeeshBoogie]

Maybe this is the only way she knows how to deal with your losses. Unnecessary stress aside, having things out in the open could be looked at as a really positive thing. Now you don't have to stress out about when to tell your mother and how she'll receive the news. The only way for things to go from here is up, because she can't get much more upset than this; right? I'm sure she'll come around.

Hugs for you in the meantime.

[jennntj13]

I am sorry hun... I am sure she will come around. She probably doesn't want you to be upset if something goes wrong...

[tparum]

im so sry u went threw that why do they seem to thank its all them cant they thank of our feellings at all besides acting like its them its us as the ones that went thru the loss i know they have some emotions about them but its us that actually has lost the babie/babies sry this subject is a touchie one for me and a HARD cituation. but thats a whole post in its own.

[Danica]

Sorry she's not being supportive

[Banned-ZoesMom]

I'm not too concerned. I didn't expect her to be. I just hope she's not like this when I give birth.

[jennntj13]

I'm sure she will be fine. My mom called me an as##ole when she found out I was pg w/ my daughter... she adores her to no end now (And did by the time I was a few months pg.)

[Brittanie]

You know, I for one AM angry with your mother. NOBODY has the right to say that to someone. It is YOUR and your HUSBAND's decision when to have children, and she has no right whatsoever to call you names or be angry with you about it. She may think you're irresponsible, but the time to tell you that is when you're ttc, NOT when you're PREGNANT. Maybe it was irresponsible, so what? It's happened. She has no right to swear at you. Especially since she has no idea what it feels like to lose a baby.

She sounds like an overly critical person to me anyway (with the comments about your weight).


Bah, feel free to totally ignore all that. I don't know her.


I'm so excited about this pregnancy with you honey!

[Banned-ZoesMom]

Thanks Brittanie.

She is a very critical person. She calls Mike fat all the time too. He has a belly, and yes, he weighs 200lbs, but I don't see him as fat. I have never seen him as fat. He doesn't look fat at all. She constantly complains about Zoe not walking yet. "You walked at 10 months, why isn't she? She must be delayed". No, she's not delayed. Most babies don't walk until after a year. Mike didn't walk until he was 22 months old. "Is he retarded?" was what she said to that. I yelled at her for that one. I told her he's not retarded, never has been, never will be, and I don't want to hear her speak like that about him again. She goes "Well, it means slow. What did you want me to say?"...uhh, how about "Oh, he must have been a slow learner then" or how about nothing at all?

Then at my wedding, a friend of mine that I've known since I was 14 dropped in on the reception with her 2 year old. He's a very big boy, but very very adorable too. When we got back to her house so we could change before leaving she goes "Who was that fat kid? Was the big fat woman his mom? They were both fat. Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat."

That, I can handle. But what really pisses me off most is this.

I don't even want to use the word, but it's how she refers to homosexuals. She uses the F word. Constantly. She returned a movie to my aunt one time with me and "warned" her that it was a "F movie", there were "tons's of F's". She also told me she hopes I teach my children that being homosexual is wrong and disgusting, because if I don't, my children may turn out that way.

No. I won't teach my kids that. I will teach them that homosexuality is the same as heterosexuality. No matter what sexuality you are, it's still a sexuality. Homosexuals are good people, they're nice people, they're people just like you and me. They have rights and responsibilities, they have children and get married, just like you and me, they feel happy and they feel sad. Just because they love someone of the same gender, doesn't make them any different than anyone else. I will teach my children to befriend a homosexual, should they ever meet one, so that person has a friend to confide in without feeling like he or she is being judged, and if my children turn out to be homosexual, I will not love them any less. I will love and support my children no matter which path they choose, because they're still my children.

I really hate my mom for how critical she is, but I love her too. I think she has some deep emotional issues that need to be dealt with. But as God as my witness, is my mother EVER teaches my children to be critical and judgemental like her, my mother will not see my children again until she changes her state of mind, or until she stops passing her opinions on to my children.

[Brittanie]

She seems to have fat issues. Maybe it's a defense mechanism because of how she sees herself?

I'm sorry that she is like that. You seem to have turned out beautifully in spite of it though. I don't think she'll teach your children to be like her because you're teaching them not to be critical or judgmental. I WOULD worry about what she'd say to my kids as they got older if she talks to you like that though.



I'm so excited for your u/s! I probably won't be on though, because my brother's getting married that day. But I'm excited to hear the results!!

[Banned-ZoesMom]

Congrats to your brother!!

[Mum2three]

Brandi, you are a grown up and NO on has the right to tell you what to do with your life, and how many children you want. I cant believe that someone could be that cold. After seeing you lose a baby you would think she would be there for you. You are a mother yourself, and im sure you wouldnt be like that towards your children. And For your mom to tell you to lose weight, thats not cool in my books. Thats just a sign of jelousey(SP) and envy. and with that combo your never going to get ahead in this world. You are your own woman and you make the choices in your life. Live your life Brandi, and dont let others get involved with it.

Be yourself and look yourself not to impress anyone except your husband.

[~*Sam*~]

OH, Brandi I am so sorry about this situation with your mom. I'm sure she will come around as she see's your beautiful baby belly growing bigger. Good LUck hun and KUP.

[Banned-ZoesMom]

If there is one most difficult thing about my losses, it's that I didn't have anyone in my family to turn to because they've never experienced a loss..not one of them. I know my mom is doing and saying this out of ignorance because she doesn't know how it feels, she doesn't know the ache and pain, the desire to try again and she never will. She thinks she does, and yes, she did lose two grandchildren, but she didn't lose them in the same way.

I sincerely hope and pray that my children never have to go through a loss, because deep down, no matter how much time goes by, I will always ache to hold my angels, and I do not want them to suffer like that. I will be telling my kids about their angel brothers in heaven, because I want them to know that they did and they do have angels watching over them. I swear, the day Zoe took a tumble down the basement stairs and landed on a pile of blankets rather than the cement floor, Rice was watching out for her. He was protecting his big sister, and for that, I am ever so grateful to him.

But if my children ever do suffer the same loss or losses that I have, I will be there for them, to comfort them, hold them and let them cry. I'll do my best to help them heal, and when their wounds are closed enough that they want to start trying again, I won't tell them to wait, or call them irresponsible. I will be there right beside them (not literally) rooting them on, encouraging them, and believing that the next angel will live.

I love all you ladies here. You're all so great and wonderful, and if I hadn't have found you, and found strength in any of you, I wouldn't be expecting this miracle(s). I would have gone ahead and given up and had my hysterectomy. Thank you for all your support ladies.

[Frangipani]

Brandi,

I can't believe how amazing you are, considering how your mother acts. I'm really impressed, reading your posts. You are a strong, nonjudgmental person. I am really sorry that your mom has to act that way.

-Fran

[ShannonMVT]

I'm so sorry that your mom isn't being supportive. I know it's hard but you are being the bigger person and I know you will turn this around for good and it will make you even more dedicated to being supportive of your kids.

[Banned-ZoesMom]

I have never wanted to be like her. I have seen how much she had hurt people with her words, and decided as a child that I would be different. My aunt, her younger sister, is the exact opposite of my mom, and I have always wanted to be like her. Even at age 7, I wanted to do exactly what she was doing, being a nurse, so I could help people. I do have to thank my mom for something; for teaching me how not to treat people.I'm glad that I was taken out of my mom's home when I was 14. It was a very impressionable time for me at that age. I was taken and put into foster care after an incident. My foster mother was a christian woman and she taught me to see the good in all people. She did not agree with things like homosexuality, but she taught me to love them as I love myself, to show them friendship and support, and not to judge someone for what they are, but to love them for who they are, no matter how they look like, what their weight is, what their sexuality is, how much money they have, etc.

After I left her house and went back to my mother, I realized that my mother's house was not a place I wanted to be and I went back to my foster mother for a while. I was then taken out of her house and placed in a group home, and eventually in shelters and on the streets. Living poorly, on $25 a week, panhandling for $3 a day so I could eat, humbled me to a harsh reality of what the world can really be like, and I never wanted to be that type of person. I spent 4 years of my life going in and out of shelters, greyhounding it to a new place, wherever I could go. My mom never offered to let me stay with her. In fact, when I asked, she refused. She said I needed to learn a lesson. I never finished high school as a result. Then finally, at 20, I met Mike. At 12 weeks pregnant with Zoe, 20 years old, I went back to high school and completed 4 credits. My grade 12 college english class, I received a 99%, because I finally decided to put my life back together. I feel like my life, those 4 years, of living as humbly as I did helped me to see the good in all people. We all make poor choices sometimes, but that doesn't make anyone a bad person. So, like my foster mother taught me, love the sinner, hate the sin. 8 years after I left my foster mother's home, I am still in contact with her. She attended my wedding, and even bought Zoe a gift when she was born. I hate how my mom is so critical, but I love her for her. She'll never change, she's set in her ways, but I can't help but love her.