[madmum_sarah]

hello all.
im sarah and been lurking here since my miscarriage in feb. i really feel like ive been going through it alone. my partner has depression and has decided hes not sure what he wants now so although not activly ttc we are not avoiding either (and he only ever seems in the mood when im ovulating)
we had been ttc since november, im lucky i already have 5 children but month after month seeing bfns was so hard. finally in feb a lady im close to on uk mummies got her bfp and all our symptoms were the same. test after test said neg and i couldnt believe it. we went away for a long weekend and on friday 8th feb i got those 2 pink lines (i still have a pic in my phone). i woke mark and asked if he could see it and he said yes then went back to bed (no excitement, nothing!) we had a big row about it and he said it was because he has been there before with his ex and just wait to see what happens. on the sat i took another test but it was negative, as was sunday. we got into a huge fight and split up. on the tuesday i had an emergency appointment for scan reults (done before i got bfp because of pains) and i was told that i had a cyst on my ovary thatwas bleeding into itself (endometriosis) i explained about the test and showed the pic and was rushed into hospital, put on morphine and dont remember much after that. mark was there with me afterwards but never talks about it now.
i have had "suspected miscarriages" before but this is the first confirmed one and to be honest i just cant get over it. i thought i was doing ok until april 10th when it was a yr since i lost my best mate and my dd started nursery then all of a sudden everyday tasks seem hard, i dont want to eat, drink, take meds, nothing. some days i dont even want to wake up.
i only have one ovary (other removed 2 yrs ago due to a cyst) and the thought of never having another child is so hard.
dont get me wrong, im sooo grateful for my 5 but i worked with children and am used to being surrounded by them. when i lost my ovary i didnt feel like a real woman, to get a bfp was amazing and i felt real again only for it to be taken away.
sorry this is so long but i had to let it out somewhere with people who understand how im feeling.
i still think of my baby everyday and it hurts. how do you start to live a normal life again? i swear if it wasnt for my kids i wouldnt be alive now.
thanks for reading
sarah

[Madison.N.Hailey'sMom]

I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your loss.

[Eleysia]

Sarah, Im so sorry hon.

I know that everyone does heal at different speeds, and i dont think that it is wrong that you are still feeling this way. I know that I suffer from dpression, and it took me a bit to get over it, and im still not necessarily over it. I just think that i had some time to grieve and now i just try to fill my time with stuff to not relapse.

Is it at all possible that since you do have 5 children that you didnt get any time to yourself to just grieve and feel what you were going through? I know that when my grandpa died i didnt get much time to actually absorb what had happened and it hit me like a ton of bricks a bit later and i was very down about it.

Has Mark come around about talking about it? Maybe that could help you both to heal if you felt that you were there for each other?

[Frozendesire]

I am so sorry. Perhaps you need to have a little date night with just you and hubby and talk about things. We did this just recently and it really helped me alot. I found that he was grieving too and what we wanted to do next.

I hope that you get some time to just grieve, I think that's what you need right now. You are in the right place. Everyone here has been in your situation to some degree and we are hear to listen to everything and any thing. Please feel free to PM me

[tparum]

Hi and welcome to the board.

Im so sry for ur loss.

[madmum_sarah]

thanks for the replies.
i cried every night after it happened when the kids were in bed (thank god for good routines) and even locked myself in the bathroom when things got bad. i guess now i have a lot more time to do it and thats whats so hard. i dont feel "needed" anymore.
mark has actually moved out now. he still comes down everyday but due to his depression we dont want him around the kids much on bad days. he will be seeing a shrink soon as its something he has had for years but just recently started again (although he says its not the miscarriage)
he would still love another baby as much as i would but is scared of how il cope if i dont get bfp or lose it again which i do understand but thats all he will say. when i try and talk about the baby he just says "it obviously wasnt meant to be but thats not your fault" and then changes the subject.
i didnt expect it to be any harder this time due to having them in the past but seeing"confirmed sponatious abortion" on the docs notes seems to make it harder IYKWIM
i guess it will take time. i went to visit where we scattered my friends ashes today and broke down, the baby was going to be named after him (jamie) but one thing im sure of is that he will be taking good care of my angel baby just as he did me for 17yrs

[tparum]

o i remember those days my dh wouldnt talk to me about it at all nore show his feellings and one day i seen him with one of the babys boxes and he was crying. it took us so long b4 we would talk about it all.

[Eleysia]

"but one thing im sure of is that he will be taking good care of my angel baby just as he did me for 17yrs "

I think that is the best way i've ever heard it put. I truly believe that is what is happening.

Im so sorry that it is tough right now. Maybe the counselor will help him make things right. At least I hope so. It sounds like he is pretty upset about it and does not know how to express his feelings, which in turn does not help you

Just try to take one day at a time, it will get better. I know i started a TTCAL journal in the sub forums, and that helped me a ton. id get everything out, and then if women posted or made comments it helped me to pin point my feelings and triggers. just a thought.

[madmum_sarah]

i oftne hear mark in my bedroom (i have a small wardrobe of baby stuff in there that i havent been able to part with) but he closes the door as fast as he opens it and then goes home. im sure he goes to cry but when i have tried to talk to him about it he just says "i dont know why you dont just put all that stuff on ebay cos its not helping you"
i know having the stuff there doesnt help but by getting rid of it i feel im giving up the baby and on the idea of having another (its babygrows and reusable nappies and boosters that i made to get me through the 2ww)
i think i have been thinking about the baby in my sleep too as a few nights ago and again last night i woke up with a babygrow on the bed. i know for a fact i didnt have it when i went to sleep and the children dont go in my room so i must have been sleep walking (the first night it happened was the day i ovualted this cycle! )
i pray this gets easier and that mark finds the strength to talk about it

[ShannonMVT]

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you are feeling badly.

It's been over 7 months for me and honestly, I still have bad days. I try to find things in my life to be grateful for and special things that I can look forward to.

[..Jessica..]

Hi Sarah, Welcome to the board.

I'm so deeply sorry for your loss!!! I wish nobody would ever lose a child!

[Melanie0507]

Hi Sarah! I am so sorry for your los and the tough times you have been having, but I am really glad you found this board and decided to de-lurk yourself

I know you will find this board full of wonderful and supportive women! I look forward to getting to know you!

[*Bobbie*]

Sarah

I am glad you decided to post with us. I am so sorry you lost your baby. I hope you find this board fun and helpful. If you need anything just ask.



Bobbie

[Brittanie]

Welcome out Sarah!

You know, it'll be two years for me next Friday, and it's still really hard.


I hope you can get things worked out.

[Pound]

i'm sorry for what happened. men don't seem to be the same as us when it comes to these kind of things. mine was def a little unemotional about ttc, and after my m/c, was sort of avoiding it. that's why i found this forum, i needed women who knew how i felt and would understand. i hope being here helps you a little. and i also know what you mean about your kids being the only thing getting you through. it wasn't as bad for me as it sounds like for you, but i did have days where i thought that if i wasn't for my son, i'd be really depressed. do you have depression? if so, maybe now isn't the time to skip your meds. it's hard enough during "normal" times, but times like this it's probably worse. anyhow, good luck on ttc, i had a friend who had her tubes tied and her hubby had a vasectomy, and she still got preg.
if she could, we all can!

[madmum_sarah]

wow. thank you so much for all the replies.
its good to see so many people coming together like this but its sad that we all have a reason to
i am sitting here with tears in my eyes but i actually feel a lot better this morning. i guess bottling it all up because i had no one to share with (apart from pregnant or new mummy friends) really didnt help.
last night i went back onto a chat site i have been a member of for over a year, i hadnt been on since the miscarriage and the welcome i got was so nice.
i guess when you hide yourself away you feel even more alone but then when you come back to the land of the living you really do realise there is a lot of love and support if only you are willing to ask for or accept it.
mark went home early last night, he realised i was really down and just wanted to leave me to it. cant blame him but still want to strangle him for it!
i do have depression. had it since i was 12 on and off but last year docs took me off meds as i was "coping" and considering everything i was going through i was doing really well. i asked last week but he doesnt want me back on them if he can help it because he thinks it wont help me when i need to grieve plus im waiting for more tests
i started a ttcal journal like someone suggested (thank you for that) so hopefully i can start to deal with this a bit better now.
i had a dream about jamie last night. he was holding a baby girl in his arms and telling me shes was ok cos he had her in the day and my nan at night. its odd but my nan was always more of a night owl so i really believe i was being told to carry on and live my life.
thanks for all the support girls. i love this board and all the girls on it already and i pray you all get sticky bfps really soon
xxx

[jademyst13]

I'm sorry for your loss It will get easier, but it's normal to have bad days. It sounds like your angel is in good hands though

[mom 2 haley & tyler]

I'm so sorry for you loss. I'm glad you got a sense of peace with your friend watching over your angel. I hope dh comes back around soon and you can both deal with it together. We are here anytime you need us.