It was a gorgeous day.

Brittanie · #1 May 1st, 2008, 12:33 PM

I woke up at 11:15am, completely astounded that I had slept so long and so well. I was so SURE that I would go into labor in the early hours of the morning. Which would have been good for my sister, since she had been telling Cora to be born on her birthday pretty much since she found out I was pregnant. But...I hadn't gone into labor. Very disappointed, I got up and took a shower after I called Adrienne and said "Happy birthday, I'm not at the hospital."

It was there that I realized it. Cora always went crazy with movement when the hot water hit my belly. And she didn't. Not a stretch or twitch. I bruised my belly poking at it to get her to move. And then I broke down sobbing, on all fours, water running over me. I finally convinced myself that I was probably just freaking out, and got out, and got dressed. I walked into my bedroom, and my husband had been up for a while, already showered, just letting me sleep. I told him I couldn't get Cora to move. He seemed slightly worried but agreed with me when I said that I was probably just freaking out. I think I was HOPING it was all in my head.

After trying EVERYTHING I could to get her to move (including a tall, cold glass of koolaid, which always got a reaction in mere minutes, but didn't this time), I called my Doctor's office. And they were on their lunch hour.

So we went up to campus to turn in the paperwork DH needed to turn in. And I had no contractions, which was strange. I had been getting contractions just from moving for the past couple of days, and I was walking uphill and up stairs and nothing. The ladies in the office asked me when I was due, I said May 14. They said "any moment now!" and were so excited. I didn't tell them. It broke my heart, because I STILL hadn't felt her move. Each moment that went by...I knew. But I still hoped I was wrong.

I called the office again, and got ahold of a nurse. She listed off all the things I should to to get movement, and I was nearly screaming at her, telling her I could GET her to move. I'd tried everything. "Yes, I've tried that. Yes, I've tried that. Listen, I CANNOT GET HER TO MOVE." She told me to come in and they'd check me out.

I sat in the waiting room for what seemed like forever. I don't even know how long it was. I chatted with the lady sitting next to me, who was waiting for her "big" ultrasound. She was so excited and happy, and I tried to be. How do you tell someone "yes, well, I'm here because I can't get my baby to move and I think something's terribly wrong." So I just chatted with her, turning off my brain.

They called me back. Dr. Barton used the doppler first and after a few minutes of not finding anything (and saying "I'd be a miracle worker if I found the heartbeat EVERY time with that thing.." trying not to worry me, although I could see the worry on his face), he turned on the ultrasound machine.

"There's her heart, and it's not beating."

I think I screamed. I don't remember, but I remember telling him that it was a cruel joke and he shouldn't be so mean to his patients. But he had tears in his eyes.

The rest of the day is a blur. Dr. Barton prescribed a sleep aid and I went to Walmart to get it filled, and the lady I had chatted with in the reception area was there. She saw my tears, and I saw that questioning look on her face, and I turned away and walked away as fast as I could. I didn't want to tell her. But my husband worked at Walmart, and we had to tell his manager that he wouldn't be in the next day. His manager gave him the rest of the week off with bereavement pay for the days he was scheduled. We went and told mine that I wouldn't be either. Tuesday had been my last scheduled day anyway.

And then we went home. Our bishop came and visited with us, which was comforting. Some friends brought us dinner. I laid on my couch and cried.

Horrible visions of what she would look like went through my head. I hated my belly, something I had loved so much before. Every time I bumped it or touched it, it reminded me of what I DIDN'T have anymore. I'm thankful for the sleep aid, because I didn't have dreams that night. I'm not sure I would have slept otherwise.

ShannonMVT · #2 May 1st, 2008, 12:38 PM

Oh honey, it makes me cry to read this. How horrible for you.

Danica · #3 May 1st, 2008, 12:43 PM

mom 2 haley & tyler · #4 May 1st, 2008, 12:47 PM

I am so sorry you had to go through that honey! It makes my heart ache for you. I wish I could be there to give you this...

If you need anything, I'm here for you!!!

Brittanie · #5 May 1st, 2008, 12:51 PM

Thanks for letting me just get it out. And thanks for the hugs.

MountainMomma · #6 May 1st, 2008, 01:06 PM

I don't have any words for you. Just tons of

Eleysia · #7 May 1st, 2008, 01:09 PM

Britt I just wanted to say how awfully sorry for you i am. Im crying my eyes out, and I just dont know what to say

I do want you to know that you are loved here, and if you need ANYTHING please let me know.

jademyst13 · #8 May 1st, 2008, 01:45 PM

Brittanie · #9 May 1st, 2008, 02:46 PM

Quote:

Britt I just wanted to say how awfully sorry for you i am. Im crying my eyes out, and I just dont know what to say

I do want you to know that you are loved here, and if you need ANYTHING please let me know.[/b]

Thanks. It's just good to know that I'm not alone right now.

Danielley08 · #10 May 1st, 2008, 04:24 PM

Britt...I am so sorry...from the bottom of my heart you have to be one of the strongest women I know...

Melanie0507 · #11 May 1st, 2008, 04:34 PM

I can't even begin to imagine what you have been through...

I am so, so sorry for what you have endured! You are such a strong woman!

ChattyAshley · #12 May 1st, 2008, 05:36 PM

I ditto Eleysia... I am also crying my eyes out. I am so sorry you had to experience that.
It's hard to understand why such horrible things happen to such wonderful people like you.
You are in my prayers sweetie.

Brittanie · #13 May 1st, 2008, 07:45 PM

Thanks girls.

And sorry I didn't warn you it would be a post like that.

AllisonC · #14 May 1st, 2008, 07:58 PM

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. You are an amazingly strong woman.

Nicole1022 · #15 May 1st, 2008, 08:05 PM

OMG I'm crying so much for you. I hope you are doing ok and I am glad you are not holding this all in. Is today the anniversary? My t&p are with you.

I too knew something was wrong before I went to the doctor. There's northing more awful than knowing something's wrong but praying so hard it isn't.

KDD · #16 May 1st, 2008, 08:05 PM

Oh Brittanie, I am so sorry.

Brittanie · #17 May 1st, 2008, 08:43 PM

Quote:

OMG I'm crying so much for you. I hope you are doing ok and I am glad you are not holding this all in. Is today the anniversary? My t&p are with you.

I too knew something was wrong before I went to the doctor. There's northing more awful than knowing something's wrong but praying so hard it isn't.[/b]

Sort of. I have 2 anniversaries. We found out on May 1, I was induced and delivered on May 2. So tomorrow is really the real angelversary, her birthday, but...today is also hard.

Again, thanks so much. I'm okay.

Brittney06 · #18 May 1st, 2008, 09:11 PM

I just wanted to send you

and tell you that we all love you and cora so much and that I will be thinking of her today! Lots of love.

*Melissa* · #19 May 1st, 2008, 09:52 PM

oh Brittanie, I know I don't even really know you but my heart just sank when I read this and I trully grieved for you. My heart just breaks for you right now hun. I know that nothing can be said that would make you feel better right now, but just KNOW that there are others that are grieving with you right now and are hurting for you and your beautiful little one. I am SO sorry...