[ShannonMVT]

Okay first off, I don't want to sound rude but *please* don't reply and tell me how much your Dh is dying to have a baby. It's just depressing to me.

Mine is just so neutral. He doesn't WANT kids but he doesn't NOT want kids. He is TTCing with me because he knows how much I want children and he believes that once our baby is born, he will love the baby. It's just not something he desires for his own personal self, if that makes sense.

Like today when I told him about the BFN, he said he was sorry and that maybe it would happen next month. And that was it. I asked him if he was sad and he said no. I totally believe him. Trust me, it's not one of those things where he is just saying that to put on a brave face. He is honestly not sad about it. To him, he just thinks it will happen eventually so there's no point being sad about it.

If I told him tomorrow that I didn't want to have kids, he would say that is fine by him. And we wouldn't be TTC anymore.

Does anyone else have a Dh like this? Anybody?! Is this normal at all?

Because it really bugs me. I just want to feel like we are totally in this together but there is nothing I can do to change his feelings about it.

[Brittanie]

I can sort of relate. Not because my husband doesn't want children, just that he's really ambivalent about the timing. He talks about having a large family "some day." The reason we TTC Cora were, for him, reasons that had nothing to do with the baby itself (long story). When we TTC Erin, he wanted a baby then, but he was still unsure if it was too soon. He kept asking me if I was really ready, when I was DYING to have a child in my arms. He loves her to death, now, of course, but then, he just wasn't sure.


And now, I'm there again. I'm craving the big ol' belly, and the excitement, and the itty bitty baby. Again, he wants more, he's just not sure WHEN.


Men don't really have the drive to have children we do. We want children, they want sex. So, yeah, I think it's fairly normal. Frustrating, but normal.

[jademyst13]

I think he is normal, though my DH isn't like that. Guys can just be so different than us. I'm sorry he isn't more 'into' it right now.

[ShannonMVT]

Brit, he isn't your typical guy when it comes to sex either. He likes it, but he doesn't want it at near the frequency that it seems a lot of guys do. Which is good in some ways but it makes TTC more difficult.

I know it's dumb, but part of me thinks...what if we aren't getting pregnant because God knows that he doesn't really, really want a baby the way that I do?

[babyblue]

Shannon, your DH sounds so much like mine. I struggled with the same feeligns the first time around when we were TTC. He was just ho hum about the whole deal, and wasn't really ready to have kids or would have been fine with never having any. I swear he only did it b/c I pushed and prodded him (we had been married over 5 years b/f I finally convinced him to start trying). He was so worried about our lives changing. Even when I told him I was pregnant with Mason, his reaction was so disappointing to me. But I think it just took him a long time to warm up to it all. He was so nervous about how much it woudl change everything, and let's face it, he was selfish and still is to an extent and likes his time to do things he wants to do like golf and go to the lake and sleep in. And he's the same way about sex, just nonchalant about it all and can go for a while without it. It used to drive me crazy, but i'm ok with it all now b/c I see how much he is into DS, 110%. He's turned out to be a great father- way better than I ever imagined.

I think your DH will be alright, it just may be disappointing to you b/c it's not the way you want him to react. But maybe he's a lot like mine, and it's just hard for him to get excited about something that's not tangible yet. Hang in there girl!

[ShannonMVT]

Thank you so much Amber. I think it's just hard to deal with my Dh's ambivalence about TTC because it is taking us so much longer than I thought it would. So it is getting harder and harder for me to deal with.

He was happy when I was pg with Thomas and sad when I lost him, but he got over it all pretty quickly because I don't think it was truly ever as "real" to him. I doubt he will ever truly "get it" until he has his baby in his arms.

I know he will be a great father, he's very patient and he is mostly unselfish. I think he is worried that he won't be a good enough father and I think part of that is because he knows it's something he is going to put a lot into.

It really helps to know that it isn't just my Dh who acts like this...and that he can act this way and still turn into a great father.

[kellyanne]

Shannon,

In my experience, your hubby is normal. I think it is a defense mechanism to become more detached from the process the longer/harder it gets (whereas women get more and more obsessed and involved). The reason I came to this board is so that I had an outlet for my feelings and a place where I knew I'd get an understanding response. My hubby tries to be understanding, but I think most days he probably doesn't even think about getting pregnant or my miscarriages. But me....I don't think I go 10 minutes without thinking about pregnancy/my losses. Just know that his attitude about everything will change the second he holds his son/daughter.

[Frozendesire]

I agree with all the ladies here. It's normal You may see other DH's acting differently and that's normal too. All guys handle things different.

[MountainMomma]

Sounds pretty normal to me. My DH says all the time....if it happens, great! If not.....it wasn't meant to be. (My two are not his bio children) He doesn't seem too upset with the fact that he may never have a child. I think it's just a guy thing. They don't get to excited or involved because they don't want the heartache if it doesn't happen.....mainly because they have to be MANLY in the eyes of society and MEN don't worry about not having kids or worry about TTC. It sucks, but I think it's pretty normal.

It's also one of the only things DH and I fight over.

[Pound]

you know, i could've written your post. i have 1 son, and he was a surprise. so this is our first time ttc, and he didn't really want to. then i got him to change his mind, but i think he only changed his mind cuz he saw that i wanted it so badly. and although he's up for it, and agreed to ttc, i feel like... i dunno, like he's only doing it cuz i want it. and while i know that if i was pg, he'd love the baby and it wouldn't matter, right now it would just be nice if he was on the same page. that's why i joined a forum, cuz i don't like to talk about anything ttc or pg related to him, cuz i'm afraid i'll scare him off the ttc thing.

i KNOW, girl. it would just be nicer and we'd feel better and like we have support if the hubby was excited about it, but ours are just neutral. that said, i'm pretty sure once it happens, and a few months go by, they will be much more excited. also, men are different than women. after a m/c, a woman just wants a baby even MORE, while a guy is scared of something going wrong again. he's more worried about his wife, while we aren't as worried about ourselves as much as the health of the baby. kwim? my hubby said it was too risky to ttc again (my dr said my m/c was just one of those things, nothing is wrong w/ me). he was very worried about me while i was in the ER during my m/c (i had a d&c). and when i was in the ER, before i found out the baby was definitely gone, all i could think about was how i could salvage this. i really didn't care about myself, my health, all i wanted was for the baby to be ok.

is your dh the quiet type? mine is, and he tends to show very little emotion over anything, including ttc and baby stuff. sooooo, i guess that's what jm is here for. i figured if the hubby wasn't going to share in the obsession and excitement, i'd find some ladies who would

[ShannonMVT]

is your dh the quiet type? mine is, and he tends to show very little emotion over anything, including ttc and baby stuff. sooooo, i guess that's what jm is here for. i figured if the hubby wasn't going to share in the obsession and excitement, i'd find some ladies who would [/b]

He is very quiet and very unemotional. He's an engineer and he's very logical. Don't get me wrong, he loves me and he feels emotions. It's just that, say for example he is sad or angry about something, he will decide that feeling those things is not doing him any good, so he can just "choose to turn it off". It boggles my mind because it's impossible for me to do that!

[madmum_sarah]

mine is the same. if i get a bfn he gives me a hug because im upset and then just says "it will happen when it happens"
i know mine is slightly diff because we already have children (non together) and he adores them but his ex ran off with them so its a constant fear for him which is why he doesnt really "get into" the ttc.
x

[Pound]

shannon- that is EXACTLY what mine has said too. why be mad or sad, it's not productive lol.
and mine is an enginerd too

[steph&dam]

He is very quiet and very unemotional. He's an engineer and he's very logical. Don't get me wrong, he loves me and he feels emotions. It's just that, say for example he is sad or angry about something, he will decide that feeling those things is not doing him any good, so he can just "choose to turn it off". It boggles my mind because it's impossible for me to do that!
[/b]

Hmm... make him a TTC flowsheet to appeal to his logical side! LOL

Shannon, your man is soo normal! 2 things. I have a male friend tell me that "men do not have a uterus, and do not feel the need to have children like women do. They tend to do it more to make us happy". My DF is not logicial unfortunately, but he is ambivalent. He drives me crazy. This month we are not trying to conceive and we have had sex 2.5 (you get what the .5 is I hope) times. AF is 2 days away. We just had an argument about it tonight. He is ok with having a baby, but doesn't want to put the effort in right now. Men! If we could just give them a uterus! While we are at it, we can give the AF too.

[ShannonMVT]

While we are at it, we can give the AF too.[/b]

LOL! That makes my night.

And yup, Linda, I think my Dh has actually said "it's not productive".

He is on my sh** list big time right now. I bought mother's day cards for both our moms and told him and he sarcastically joked that we should get a card for his (pg) sister also. Not EVEN funny. But then I quipped back that it would read "Happy Mother's day even though you don't even want your baby. Love, your infertile SIL"

And then I started ranting about how MY mother's day card would read: "Happy mother's day to the mother that could have been and should have been, but isn't. Because your baby is dead. Happy Mother's Day!"

Bleh. Yeah, I know that I'm a mother. It just sucks that I'm not a mother in a way that's acknowledged by the rest of the world.

[Pound]

shannon, it'll happen for you. nevermind the hubby, he's like a lot of men. as long as he's willing to at least try, know that once it happens, he will be excited.

[txallisonjoy]

If you had been listening at my door a few hours ago you would have heard a very similar argument. My husband's sisters seem to get pregnant every time they think about it.

My husband is a wonderful man, but has a tendancy to bottle up his emotions - I on the other hand express every thought and feeling that wanders across my mind. Earlier this evening I accused him of recovering from our miscarriage after "three days" and that I felt like I was the only one who cared abour ttc. I then chose to pick at petty things - for example, I asked him not to keep his laptop on his lap for extended periods of time because I had read that the heat can adversely affect sperm. In response to this comment I had gotten a lecture about how I was acting like we had been trying "forever" and had to take every precaution under the sun. Incensed I fired back with - I would run naked thru the rain if I thought it would help and I didn't think asking him to move his laptop was a major inconvenience.

He's supportive - but not always the way I want him to be.

I think it's less what you do for a living and more the difference in wiring between men and women. I work in strategy development - so I'm paid to predict the future and align companies resources in a way that insures success. That approach spills over into my personal life. So for the past two months - I'm using the ovulation kits and taking my temp.......but am not pregnant. It's making me bananas. I feel like screaming - I examined all the variables and did everything I could to insure success - and I still failed. I can't do a failure analysis to figure out what I did wrong. Doing the same thing month after month doesn't seem right - but its all I can do.

I'm hoping I made you feel better and not worse. I'm still getting the hang of this.

Allison

[ShannonMVT]

Aww thanks hon. I know what you mean. My Dh got over our miscarriage very quickly and it has been hard not to hold that against him. I wish he cared more but at the same time I can't MAKE him care.

I have told Dh the same thing about his laptop. He's usually pretty good now about putting a pillow in between the laptop and his lap so the heat isn't directly on there. But he is sooo bad about not wanting to take vitamins and to me that is something so simple that he can do!

I would run naked in the rain, stand on my head, do a naked fertility dance in rain while standing on my head, you name it, if it would get me pregnant. Heck, I would cut off my right arm if it got me a baby.

I'm scientifically minded, I can be pretty logical myself when I want to be. I know what you mean, I feel like I am doing everything I can do to give me the best possible chance to get pregnant each month, but it's still not enough. It's very frustrating that TTC doesn't work that way. But you are right, we can only do what we can do. Eventually it will happen, the waiting just sucks and makes us wacko.

[MrsPoe]

Your dh is totally normal and that stinks so bad for us. I know that my dh is the same way. I would be temping, charting, checking cm, taking all of my vitamins, checking my blood sugars religiously, poas (opk's and hpt's) and trying to seduce him on those "fertile" days and then he would almost always let me down on the day of O. It always made me feel as though he didn't want children, but then he would tell me that he does. So frustrating!!! And even when I did get pregnant with Abby he didnt' really show excitement until after the first and only time he felt her kick me. Then he finally wanted to believe that we were having a baby. And when he held her in his arms and tears streamed down his face, this was the very first time in the 6 years together that I saw him show emotions. He didn't even show emotion when his dad was having a quadruple bipass surgery, or his younger brother (19yrs old) having surgery on his heart to drain fluid, or when his close aunt passed away. I think that once your dh holds your baby that he will know what we longed for all along.

My dad told my mom that he never wanted anymore children after his first marriage. Well my mom got pregnant and my dad got to be there for the birth (he couldn't be there for his first childs because it wasn't allowed back then), and when he held my sister he said "I can see why people pop out 10 of these". lol My mom said she wanted to slap him because there was no way she was going to have ten. But later when she started ttc for me, dad was a lot more interested in ttc. I hope that is the case with our men! Hang in there!

[tparum]

i really cant say much but wanted to offer