[Eleysia]

Ok so here I sit 8DPO and not a pg symptom in sight. Still emotional but im beginning to think im just losing my mind.

I had a dream on sat night that really sucked and im still somewhat bummed about it. Ill tell you about the dream then i have a confession to make. i dont want anyone to think less of me but i have a feeling some will

The parts of the dream i remember. My sis had just gotten a bfp, and i had just m/c about 1 week before. i had my first OB apointment, and they called to remind me. I went in thinking "well i told them i lost my baby, so this must just be an annual pap." Well the DR started to set up for an u/s and i told her i wasnt pg (when i went to the ER for my loss the u/s tech wasnt even told i was pg, i had to tell her ). she asked what i meant and i told her i had a m/c. then clear as day she looked me in the eyes and told me she couldnt have picked a better person for that to happen to, that i deserved it... i woke up crying and so confused. i dont know why my brain would do that to me.

My confession is way back in high school, a teacher and i were friends. well she spilled the beans about my past drug use (i know it wasnt good thats why i stopped) to an entire class, and at the time she was pg. I remember telling a friend of mine that... please dont be mad... i wished she would have a m/c. i was just so hurt. The good thing is she went on to have a beautiful healthy baby, but i cant help but fell like this is somewhat the reason i had my loss. it has been weighing on me alot the last couple days. I feel really bad, and now these dreams? i dont know what to do....

[Pitridge]

I don't know if this will help you or make you feel worse, in which case I didn't mean to.

I don't even know where to start. First, I'm sorry about your dream, it sounds more like a nightmare. I think that because you have been thinking about what happened to you in high school, your unconscious mind just represented those thought into a dream. A lot of times your fears/ doubts/thought are represented to you in your dreams. Maybe you felt guilty about saying that..and that’s why you dreamt that? The mind is a very powerful tool. Second, I don’t see why anybody would think less of you, to be very honest with you, I’m nobody to judge you. Also, I so doubt that the reason you had your lost. We all have said or done things when were younger that we regret now-it's partof growing up I guess.

[Eleysia]

Thanks pat for the kind words. I really do think it is the guilt playing a role in the nightmare. I just dont get why now kwim? maybe with all the stress of TTCAL and such it just came back up. I doubt that the woman ever knew i had said that, but even though that may be the case i still wish it had never come out of my mouth. espically after experiencing a loss myself, i wouldnt EVER wish that on someone ever!!

[Melanie0507]

Eleysia

First off, I am sorry for your bad dreams.

Secondly (and more importantly), you should never, ever feel like anything you did in your past caused your m/c. I am glad you stopped using drugs, and that teacher should have NEVER broken the trust that you had in her. You were just hurt when you said the things you did and I know that you never meant it. Plus, in HS, those words don't mean nearly as much as they do once you have personally experienced a loss.

I am glad you talked about your experience so that hopefully you can get rid of the guilt you have associated with it. You are a great person and you definitely deserve a sticky bean!

[KDD]

Eleysia - you had a horrible dream! Definitely a nightmare!

I do wonder... You're 8 DPO with no symptoms? Perhaps hormones are going haywire? I know that I had strange dreams when I was pg. I'm just saying...

Otherwise, it was a dream. You're not a bad person. Sometimes our subconscious just creeps up on us every now and then to remind us that we've come a long way from who we once were.

[..Jessica..]

I agree, that definitely was NOT a dream!!! That was a nightmare, Eleysia!!!

What you said about your teacher is NOT why you had your m/c!!!! Please don't ever think that!!!!

I'm sorry you had this nightmare!!!

[Eleysia]

Thank you ladies from the bottom of my heart. I really appreciate the responses, and the hugs. it really makes me feel much better that you guys didnt tell me what a crappy person i was. thanks for being there to listen. i totally needed it, and i do feel a bit better getting it off my chest.

lol about the pg dreams. i thought about it, but i dunno my pit of the stomach gutfeeling says this just isnt my month. better to know and not have symptoms than to think you are with IPS!!!

Again thank you hopefully tonight brings no dreams, or at lease good ones.

[Pound]

girl, you were just a stupid teenager reacting to someone betraying your trust! i know i was soooooo dramatic when i was in hs, and what you said was the equivalent of a kid telling their parents "i hate you! why was i born!?" it's just anger, and has nothing to do w/ your m/c. i think you just remembered the hs incident, and also thinking about your loss, and the 2 somehow tied together in your mind.

i mean, i went nuts playing mario galaxy on wii the other week, and had a very vivid dream where i was IN a mario world, only they weren't even animated or looked like video games people, they were like REAL people and places lol.

ok you know i didn't really mean you were stupid, but i think we all had stupid moments as teenage girls our subconscious has a weird way of connecting things. and i don't think any less of you for something you did in hs. no one is perfect.

[mom 2 haley & tyler]

That was a nightmare! I hope this will still be your month for a sticky bean, Eleysia. We all do/say things we regret in life. That doesn't mean you're a bad person. I think you're a wonderful person, so stop feeling guilty!!

[jennntj13]

I do think that it is a little guilt from back then b/c of the experience and you know how bad it hurts... but what a ##### for doing what she did back then. I probly would have said some ###### too... It was a long time ago and you didn't know... we have all said and done things that maybe we shouldn't have. I wouldn't stress too bad. Big Hugs.

PS( It is not over until AF shows and IF she does show this month, then it is just cuz we r supposed to get our BFP's togther! )

[Eleysia]

Thank you Linda and Michelle Last night was much better, and i think that hind sight is always 20/20 kwim? it sucks and if i could take it back i would.

Jenn you rock. If i dont get my BFP then so be it, onto next month. It will be me you and Bobbie, Melanie, Linda, Shannon, Ashley, Amber, and anyone else im forgetting im sorry

Michelle youre getting into Jan hun, i just know it Brittney (mancil) is going with you Michelle

[mom 2 haley & tyler]

Oh, I hope you're right there with me!

[Pound]

ohhh ya, we are def gonna share a ddc!