[madmum_sarah]

well after my "bfp" yesterday i tested this morning and it was bfn (was diff test but still no af so was still holding out hope)
this afternoon me and mark had a huge row. he dont see the problem i have when he slipped into the convo we were having that while he was away he saw his mates 17/18yr old daughter in her bra.
yes i know he has loyalties and wouldnt do that (and his mate would kill him) and i understand his point of "i would have seen more if she had a bikini on" BUT it still bloody hurts to know he saw a young attractive girl in her bra and he will be going back there next week to see his friend again.
im sat in tears as i type cos just after all this happened i started spotting. the strange part is although its only spotting im passing big clots. i told kate this morning i was getting some strange "tightening" feelings and now they are a lot worse.
ok i know im probably over reactin with mark right now because as well as feeling fat and ugly as i always do i now feel bloody useless too.
sorry to let it all out here girls but i just dont know what to do anymore. he has said loads more today that has upset me and although i know hes ill and deep down i understand what he means, right now i dont know that i can go on being with him let alone trying for a baby.
i really hope i can calm down soon and find something positive in this cos otherwise im going to be ending my relationship very soon
xxxx

[Pitridge]

Sarah, first I want to say that you are beaufitul and a wonderful woman. Don't forget that and we all love you here.
Sorry af showed Sorry things with Mark are not in their best right now, I wish I had some Magic words to say that would make it all better and make you smile, since I don't I'll send you tons of and lots of love.

[.x~KAT~x.]

Oh my...i am so sorry your going through this! i must have missed your BFP post yesterday?

Im sure your otherhalf loves every bit of you, so stop feeling so down hun. At least he told you about it!!

[Eleysia]

Sarah i wish i could give you a hug in real life. It makes me so sad to see you suffering like this right now. It seems like as one thing happens, the rest of your world comes crashing down with it. Im sorry about everything with Mark, and af, and that girl. I really hope if you give it a couple days youll be able to have a clear head and see what it is youre supposed to gain from all of this.


Is he still seeing his therapist??

[mom 2 haley & tyler]

I'm so sorry Sarah! I hope things get better for you soon. I'm here if you need anything. I love ya!

[*becky*]

Oh Sarah! I'm so sorry you are going through so much all at once.

You are NOT useless and Mark has no right to make you feel ugly because you're not!!

I hope you get to feeling better and that things work out with Mark.

(((hugs))) x 10,000!!

[madmum_sarah]

thanks girls. just as things seem to be going well it all takes a massive uturn on me
mark hasnt seen his therepist for a few weeks now as he was away and the one appointment he did make was on a bank holiday she obviously forgot about so she wasnt there. he wont be going next week either cos hes away again
he was always telling me how gorgeous i am and that he loves me (even rubs my tummy and kisses it saying he loves it and its the part i hate the most) butu i have seen this girl myself and she is GORGEOUS!
he says he would never even look at her in that way or another woman. i know i am being stupid in some ways but every guy ive bene with except one has cheated on me and recently ive gained a lot of weight and got a yr older (i really didnt think that would bother me so muc!)
im still spotting brown but still passes clots. i wish i knew what was going on.
ive spoken o mak (before all this) and he says he sould still like another baby but doesnt want to state we are trying because he feels that adds pressure and that actually makes it harder to get pregnant (yes he does speak sense sometimes!)
im just so messed up and confused. i want to lose weight and feel good about myself but when i look in the mirror i still see that 22 stone woman looking back at me and i want my body to behave and do what it is supposed to do (im sure i dont need to explain the last part to you girls)
thanks for listenin to me vent and moan again girls. i would be totally lost without you
xxxx

[Wee3monkeys]

Sarah, I'm so sorry you are going through a rough patch! I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but big anyway!!!!

You know, I completely understand the insecurity w/ the issue over the young girl. But that's what she is, she's a "young girl." Was the incident an accident? I'll bet she was mortified! I know I would have been at that age, and even now, if one of my father's friends walked in on me changing, on accident. You are a grown, responsible, attractive woman, you have her beat hands down; and I bet Mark is also horrified that you think he'd be interested in a child like that. Am I right? Just think of all the love and support you and he have between you on a regular basis, this is nothing. It's an accident that has been blown out of proportion I'm betting. Chin up, lady, you'll come out of the doldrums in a day or so, and you and he will be able to get things back to normal.

[..Jessica..]

Oh Sarah, I'm so sorry hun!!!

I would definitely be upset if my DH willingly told me those things! He has a large set of melons to come out and tell you that stuff!!

I wish there was something I could say that would help you!!!

[dojodiva]

((HUGS)) I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this.

[princesskate]

Firstlt - YOU ARE NOT FAT UGLY OR USELESS, and if you say that again I will come and get you with that fish we were taling about

Im sorry you are having all this to deal with, but im right with you girl. You know where i am any time of day or night, my phone is always switched on. I hope you get thinsg sorted soon xxx

[Alison81]

(((((SARAH))))) My life always feelings like it's falling apart when AF shows up, so I feel for you. I am sure he is being honest about the girl, otherwise he wouldn't have told you.

I hope you're feeling better soon.

[~DaemonMykailasMum~]

Ahhh! Im sooo sorry you are going thru so much Sarah! I hear you on the insecure thing! I CAUGHT! (He didnt admit it to me, he wasnt ever going to say anything about it!) him looking at pictures of my FRIEND! on the net... Shes an inspiring model, and has tons of Bikini shoots... She is drop dead gorgeous, Perfect 10... Long beautiful hair, skinny perfect little body, every thing... I found it all in the history, He would have deleted it, but I got up one morning and he jumped off and didnt have time to delete it... I seen him jump off real quick so I hung around the computer so he wouldnt have a chance to delete it.. Then he left to the store... I looked and Voila... TONS of pictures of this girl.. Shes only a year younger than me.. But still she is a drop dead gorgeous model! inlittle string bikinis!!! My heart BROKE... And get this... it was 20 DAYS after I GAVE BIRTH!!!!!!!! I was HUGE, and disgusting, I was already totally depressed by how grose I looked, My uterus was still big, I had a big stretch marked belly, big leaking boobs, and a sore HooHaw! And hes doing that!!!!!! 20 DAYS ! dude! I was so hurt.. It took me a looonnng time to get over that one... And the fact that shes my friend, and she was coming over to visit me and Daemon when he was a baby.. Then at Daemons 1st birthday.. She came over (She later had a baby herself, but of course, was right back to drop dead gorgeous, as if she'd never even been pregnant with in 3 or 4 weeks!) and Derek left... The whole party... When he got back, I was like.. What you couldnt handle seeing her? Knowing that you were Pervin out on her pics!!!! Sorry for totally goin off.... I know how you feel tho.. It sure Sucks monkey butt, But Im sure you will get over it.. I eventually did.. it still hurts me when I think about how he could do that, especially 20 days after I gave birth to our son, hes doin that while me and our newborn baby are sleeping away in our bedroom but whats done is done.. And if your guys' incident was an accident you will be okay.. My guys' incident was completely deliberate.. . Anyhoo, Im sorry for goin off, tons of hugs for you girl!!
xoxoxoxoxo
Syleena

[Mum2three]

Sarah, first of you are a beautiful person inside and out. Your a remarkable mother to your children. Thats what counts the most. I wish I could give you a hug through my computer but i cant, i can only send them to you.

your not the first woman to be upset about their SO seeing another woman in her under garments. I to would of been upset. I probably would of knocked the eyes outta the sockets for that..LOL.. Im sure if you came home saying you seen a young man in his underwear he would be upset as well. Dont let him bring you down, sometimes accidents happen. and she must of known there was ppl in the house. Mabey she jsut wanted attention?

Like i said you are a beautiful person. theres nothing fat or ugly that im seeing!!

[KDD]

I agree with everyone else. You are a wonderful person and you did not overreact! If Jason saw his friend's daughter in a bra, I wouldn't be comfortable with him going over there anymore.

We are always here if you need us.

[madmum_sarah]

girls thank you so much for being there for me.
it was an accident apparently she was horrified and her mum just laughed. we spoke and he said he wouldnt worry about a man seeing me in a bra (which explains why he put a pic od me in a bra on msn when talking to his friend a while ago and belive me i was horrified)
i think everything is just getting me down and now i know why...
i called the doc last night because as son as i stood up i got huge cramps and bood poured everywhere, it was all too familiar!
anyway, doc is pretty sure it was another chemical which explains a lot. im pretty gutted this has happened again but i swollowed my pride and text mark saying i was sorry for going off on one but i know shes gorgeous and i have never felt like im good enough for him.
i got this reply
"ive told you before if anyone isnt good enough its me. she is my best mates daughter and far too young anyway but i love and want you. sorry for being grumpy but im unwell and im nt pleasant company when im ill. i love you, sweet dreams xxxx"
i do feel a little better and i know i should tell him about the doc but i think we have enough to deal with. i will look at it as a learning experieince and although it hurts i do know he loves me. i just have to keep my jealousy under control and sort my weight etc out so i dont feel so bad about myself.
anyway, im in a rush as heading back to docs this morning after get sadie to nursery.
thanks again girls. i love you all
xxx

ETA, ive now been to docs and confirmed a chemical pregnancy he also says the only medication that works for my epilepsy increases my chances of this happening. not quite sure hoe i feel right now but if and when we decide the time is right he will refer me if it happens again. ive not told him we are activly trying because with everything else going on i would just get greif about it from health visitor etc so for the time being i guess i just have to deal with it
thanks again for all the support girls
xxx

[mom 2 haley & tyler]

I'm so sorry you're going through all this Sarah. My heart is breaking for you! If you ever need anything, I'm always here for you. Please take care of yourself.

[Wee3monkeys]

Aww, Sarah, I'm so sorry, hun!!! I wish we could all be there to comfort and hug you!! !!!

I just don't even know what to say. I'm sorry for everything you're dealing w/ right now! Be strong, use us for support, I hope things improve soon!!!!

[Pitridge]

Awww Sarah I'm so sorry to hear...My heart goes out to you. I wish I could be there to give you a hug, but since I can't I'll just send yout tons and tons of . I'm here for you if you need anything.

[jennntj13]

Sarah... let me first tell you how sorry I am that this was not the sticky ban you were hoping for. Second, you are an amazing, intelligent, kind, and beautiful woman... one that would be hard to compare to. I hope that dh realizes what a fantastic lady he has by his side. I am here if you ever need to vent, please just pm me. Big Stay strong and KUP!