[Tiny.Terror]

I miscarried July 30, 2007 (13wks).
My best friend died in a car accident the same day.

My reaction...

I haven't been able to feel much of anything since this happened. I think I cried once, but it wasn't a good, long cleansing cry. It feels like it happened to someone else, and I was just an observer. When I got back from the hospital, I just sat on the bed and stared at the wall for a week. I think I lost about fifteen pounds. But I didn't feel hurt or sad about it...I'm angry at myself for not feeling that way. My mom keeps telling me it's not healthy, and everyone else I've known who's had a miscarriage thinks it's just WEIRD that I'm acting like this. Maybe it has something to do with me being bipolar, I don't know.

My hubby and I weren't married, or even together at this point. If I try bringing it up or talking about it, all I get is a blank stare, or "I see..", or "I'm sorry babe" and a quick change of subject. I hate sounding repetitive, so I've stopped mentioning it to him...

I've been in counseling for a loong time, but a counselor can only go so far...

Any words of wisdom would be very welcome at this confusing point in my life...

Hubby and I are trying to concieve again, and while I'm excited about getting pregnant, I'm worried that I won't be able to get pregnant again, or something will happen to this baby too..

[Brittanie]

I honestly believe that the psyche can only handle so much trauma before it completely shuts down. Two such deep losses on one day would definitely be enough to overload, and therefore your reaction was to go numb. I think all of us have spent time just feeling numb. I guess the problem is/was that you're still numb, right?

How about doing something to get yourself to feel something first. Watch a really sad movie, so start yourself feeling a little, and maybe it might just come.


Although...you said you're bipolar, right? Are you on medication for it? Because if you're on a mood stabilizer, that might have something to do with it.

Anyway, I don't have any other suggestions. As far as TTC is concerned, have you talked to your Dr about it? Especially if you're on medication you should. And yes, TTC after a loss is a really terrifying thing. ESPECIALLY when your loss is your first, and you've never had a healthy pregnancy. But it's not something you can control, so you just have to hope for the best and see how it goes.

[mom 2 haley & tyler]

I'm so sorry for both of your losses. I don't really have any advice, I just wanted to welcome you. If you need anything, please just ask. These women are amazing. We've all been there.

[~*Nessy*~]

I know exactly what you are talking about. I was pretty young when I was pregnant with my son (14 years ago). When I was about 3 months pregnant, his father was murdered. Everything seemed very unreal. Exactly as you said, like it was happening to someone else. I didnt experience a miscarriage tho. Fortunately I did carry full term and deliver a healthy baby who I named after his father and has grown up to look exactly like his father (and is a daily reminder that he is gone). My loss was just recent. I went thru a major depression stage during my pregnancy with my son. I could not have even imagined going thru the loss of Robert and having a miscarriage on top of it. I think that you are a very strong woman for being able to hold it together during a time like this. There really isnt anything standard to be said when someone is lost. I know I have said this to someone else, I just cant remember who. Before I had a miscarriage, I would not know what to say when someone in my due date club experienced a loss. The most I could really offer was sincere sympathy, I guess it was a lack of knowing better words. I still dont know what to say to someone who has had a loss. Nothing makes it feel better or the hurt go away. Believe me, when Robert died I heard it all. I told a friend of mine about our recent loss and it took her several days to reply. When she did reply she told me that she had gotten the email the day I sent it to her and she did not know what to say. I think that most people dont. Thats why they say things like I'm sorry or change the subject. There is nothing wrong with seeing a counsleor. I can tell you that you already know that they can only do so much for you and the rest is in your hands. I can also tell you from experience in this situation that it is very hard. There is no time limit of how long you should grieve or how you should grieve.

Hurts like this never heal, but eventually become part of the fabric of your life.

I am very sorry for your loss. I truely am. If you would like to talk, you are always welcome to PM.

[kellyanne]

I agree with Brittanie, it kinda sounds like you were in shock. Given the gravity of the two events happening on the same day....that isn't surprising. Also, the loss of your friend probably somewhat trumped the loss of your baby so you didn't get a chance to really grieve. And now enough time has passed that its tough to even know how to really grieve.

To answer your question....no, I don't think there is a correct way to respond....we're all different. However, it certainly does help me (and I think most of us here) to talk about things...our losses, our pain, our fear of it happening again with others who've been through the same thing and can understand (a limitation of talking to a counselor or DH).

I'm so sorry for your tragic losses, but I'm glad you found us here.

[Wee3monkeys]

WOW

I'm so sorry for both your losses, and the difficult times that you have been through. I don't have any helpful advice, and like Ness said, I'm having a hard time thinking of something to say. These are the times when I just want to give hugs. But I do want to welcome you to the TTCAL board, the ladies are wonderful here! They are always here when you need them, to talk, support, for a shoulder to cry on, vent, etc. Good luck, I hope you get your sticky bean soon!!

[Jessica!]

I'm sorry about your loss and your best friend.

I can tell you that I didn't cry much after my loss. I cried the evening before going to the ER because I was spotting. I just knew it was the end of my pregnancy. I don't know why I knew, but I just did. When I went to the ER, I already knew what they were going to tell me. I really didn't have a reaction at all. I was just in shock still. After that, I haven't cried at all. Everyone handles a loss in different ways. I don't think it's weird that I didn't cry much over it. I also don't think you're weird for reacting the way you did.

[Tiny.Terror]

I'm sure I'll be PMing some of you soon, hope you don't mind. =] I'm on the shy side about this sort of thing...words aren't my strong point.
I'm just really frustrated right now with DH, it's been a little tense the last few days... everytime I have my period, I flash back to some tiny part of having the miscarriage (??????), and I get moody all over again. Which is an unpleasant combination, because I'm already grouchy from realizing that I'm not pregnant this month...again. His unit is still mobilized, but hopefully he'll be back tomorrow...and hopefully I don't tear his head off from sheer frustration..