[jenn27]

Hey ladies. I have something bugging me and wanted ya'lls opinion on the matter. Please be completely honest and tell me how you would feel......Ok.....so here goes. I had my m/c on June 1 08 after dh and I had been trying for 9 months. I have a friend that I am not best friends with but we were becoming closer who decided in April that she wanted to have her IUD removed and have another baby. Well she had it removed the first of May and she finds out that she is pregnant the week that we lost our baby. She didn't even tell me because she was afraid to. I understand that but she told a guy that is best friends with my husband and he told me. Anyway. I'm happy for her and all but here is where I start to get aggrivated. It almost feels like she is throwing it in my face. I know she is excited and all and I understand that but do you have to continuously remind me that you are sick and are tired of throwing up and soooo tired all the time that you don't feel like doing anything? I understand that's part of pregnancy sometimes and it is a little overwhelming, but I would love to be sick everyday and be tired and know that I have a wonderful little miracle growing inside me. Well, last week, she came over to the house to visit and starts talking about her due date. She is due around February 17 but she is going to be induced on what would have been my EDD and that got me upset all over again. I have never said anything to her and I never would but I just can't help but be jealous I suppose. She asked me Friday if I wanted to ride to town with her Saturday morning because she need to go to Goody's to shop for some MATERNITY CLOTHES???????? I very politely declined but didn't tell her the real reason that I couldn't bring myself to go. I just kept thinking how that could have been me AND her going shopping for maternity clothes. It just seemed like it was insensitive on her part. Am i wrong for feeling that way? Please tell me if I am!!!!!! She is always complaining about how other people don't consider her feelings but yet she didn't consider mine and hasn't for the last 6 weeks. She steadily sends me emails about how sick and how bad she feels. I just don't know how much more I can take. I am trying to be a good friend and be supportive but it's getting to me.

Have any of ya'll ever been in a situation like that? Am I just being childish? I'm sorry it was so long. This has been eating me up inside for a while now. It's just sooo frustrating. Thanks for listening ladies. Ya'll are the best.

[mom2kaisnkam]

Oh my goodness sweetie, I am so sorry she is making you feel so bad. I have gond through this with my 18 yr old sil. She complained about everything to do with her pregnancy. When I miscarried I refused to talk to her for a week. I just did not want to hear her complain about what I did not have anymore. And I know how you feel about your EDD. Amber had her baby on the one month anniversary of my miscarriage, it was an emergency c-section but it still hurt.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[Pound]

i would feel the same way. even though i am pg right now, i still avoid talking to my 2 friends who are pg. mainly cuz i am only less than 6 weeks, so it's still early and i'm still scared. 2nd, one is due now and i was pg w/ her before i had my m/c in march. the other is 11 wks, and i feel like she's sooooo much farther along that i can't talk to her in case something bad happens to me again. it's totally dumb, in my case. in yours though, she is really being insensitive. i totally get that she's excited about being pg, but does she have NO other friends (ie friends who have NOT had a loss) that she can email and ask to go maternity shopping with???? maybe you need to email her and just tell her the truth. just say that although you are happy for her, you are still going through a hard time w/ the loss; and that it's something that unless you've been through it, you can't really understand. so not to hurt her, but you need your distance from all things pg right now. i have wanted to say that to some friends, but it would totally sound neurotic since i am actually pg now. good luck w/ it, i know it is hard and hurtful, and no you are not overreacting.

[Madison.N.Hailey'sMom]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I went through something like it but a little different. I have a friend that I dont hang with very much anymore but anyway, DH and I were trying for almost a year and each month we were getting bfn's. Well this friend got pg with an opps and was afraid to tell me for all of 2 seconds. I was happy for them and sad for us. She invited me to go baby shopping with her and when I said no thankx and explained why I didnt want to go (to hard on me because it was close to my second EDD) she got very upset that I wouldnt go and felt that I should have gone because she was trying to be nice. She had her baby in June and I am now pg so I kind of let it go but it still upset me that she did that to me and without even a care. I hope things get better for you and that you two can work past this. I would say the best thing would be to talk to her and explain where your coming from and maybe she will understand it better.

[*Bobbie*]

If she is a true friend.... you need to spell it out very clearly for her. Do it in email if you can't do it face to face. If you don't tell her how you are feeling it is going to ruin your friendship. She may not even realize how bad her pregnancy talk hurts you. If you spell it out for her and she continues. I say end the friendship. But clearing the air is the only way to know for sure that her intentions aren't bad.

I am kinda going through this with my twin sis. She had an eptopic pregnancy that pretty much coincided with this pregnancy. While hers was unplanned (she is on the pill) I am sure it still hurts her. I always let her bring up the baby talk first. I never start it. It is just common sense

I hope you can find a way to let her know how you are feeling....

[Mommy2Makenna]

I agree with the other ladies. It may be an uncomfortable conversation, but you need to let your friend know how it hurts you to hear her constantly complain about something that you wish so hard was happening to you. Tell her that some baby talk is OK, but you prefer that she waits for you to bring it up first. See how she reacts and if she tries to be more respectful of your feelings. If things don't change, I wouldn't hang out with her anymore. Good luck.. let us know how it goes.

[jenn27]

Thanks ladies for all the advice and for listening. It helps to know that I am not overreacting about all this. I know i need to talk to her but I have always been one of those people that lets things build and build and finally just let it overwhelm me and I end up hurting myself more because it all blows up at once. I am going to take ya'll advice about talking to her. If she is a true friend, then she will understand where i'm coming from. There really is more to all this but I try not to let it cloud my way of thinking. It is just sooo hard. Her and her husband don't get along at all. They fight all the time. He is a cop and he works extra hours just so he doesn't have to come home. I know everyone has their problems and I hope I don't offend anyone because that is not my intention by any means. It's times like these I have to remind myself that Everything happens for a reason. I don't have a problems hearing or talking about pg, I just don't like listening to someone ALWAYS complaining about how miserable they are and then have the nerve to ask me to go MATERNITY SHOPPING. Anyway...thanks for listening ladies. Ya'll always know what to say. I appreciate everyones opinions and I will let ya'll know how it goes with her. I may have to send her an email. I am just not a confrontational person. Thanks again ladies and I hope everyone has a wonderful night.

[~*Nessy*~]

I am sorry that you have to go through something like this. I used to be good friends with a girlfriend from high school. Our son's are very close in age. She started TTC at the same time we did. She went on to get pregnant and have a great pregnancy. I didnt get pregnant. But it seemed like she was constantly mentioning it to me. She complained of her feet hurting, belly itching, and all kinds of other petty stuff. When I finally did get pregnant she congratulated me, almost like it was no big deal. Maybe it wasnt to her, but it was a huge thing for me. Well she ended up having her baby the day I had my D&C. When I started feeling better my email was flooded with pictures of a baby I didnt even want to look at. I definately felt like it was rubbed inmy face. I was crushed. I still havent talked with her much about it. Then to turn around and find out another find of mine is having a baby. She is due the day after our baby was due. She is far more reserved in what she says to me out of concern for my feelings. I dont find myself being upset by the things she does....so I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I dont think your feelings are at all chilish. They are very real.

[..Jessica..]

I'm sorry you're going through this!!! I agree with talking to her about it, let her know how you feel. I hope she understands and backs off with the pregnancy talk.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I think everyone that's had a loss has been in this situation in some way. My boyfriend's friends from high school are all popping kids out left and right and two of them had babies on my EDD and I still hear one of them complaining about how hard it is having a newborn blah blah blah....(I don't know if she knew I was pregnant, we only told some ppl) Anyway, do you think in some weird way they think that complaining about it makes us feel better? Like they're thinking "see look at how sick I am and how hard this is" and we shouldn't be jealous of them.

Whatever the reason, definitely say something. I don't know if an email would be best for you since you're non confrontational or next time if she says something baby or pg related, just say calmly, "I'd really appreciate if we could stay off the pg topic, it's been hard for me lately with my loss" Chances are if you say something, she'll be surprised to hear it, and probably won't bring it up anymore.

Let us know what happens. I am so sorry you are going through this, I really do feel for you. Hugs.

[Jessica!]

It's normal, hun. Same thing happened to me. My irresponsible cousin had a one night stand, got pregnant, and found out she was having twins. Her EDD is the same day that mine was. She never once said anything to me about my loss. She went to my mom's house and showed off her u/s pics. My mom got upset because I just lost my baby. So, my mom told her sister that she just can not deal with her niece's pregnancy. It's going to be a very tough November. Having to deal with her babies arriving and my EDD passing by.



If I were you, I'd just e-mail your friend and be honest about how you're feeling. She shouldn't be offended. She needs to understand what it's like to lose a baby and then have someone else constantly talk about their pregnancy 24/7. It can get frustrating. Especially if they are whining about the symptoms. She should be happy she even has those symptoms! I'd take them any day too.

This is a 2 way street. I understand how you feel but at the same time, we have to understand how the pregnant woman feels. I say that because she is obviously happy but pregnancy hormones are hard to deal with at times. I would definately have a talk with her to let her know how you feel. Tell her you would love to feel tired and sick all the time but you don't get to have that now.

When I lost my baby, my sil was pregnant around the same time. Her and her husband rarely talked about her pregnancy to me and I felt horrible that they felt that way. I wanted to hear about her pregnancy, it wasn't her fault that I lost my baby. I have to admit, it was hard when I would learn of her scans and such but I wanted them to know they had my support. I also found out my cousin got pregnant by accident and I wasn't told until later on, I have to admit, that made me angry. I feel as though she did it to trap this man. And here I am happily married and lost my baby.

So let her know you support her and you have been sensitive to her but she needs to show the same respect to you too. Your pregnancy was real and you are still grieving and we all deal with that differently.

I hope she understands and lightens up on the pregnancy talk.

[madmum_sarah]

im so sorry you are going through this sweety!
yes, when i got pregnant in feb i told my best friend of 17yrs and she was so happy for me. she had been trying for 3 yrs to get pregnant but nothing and i was scared to tell her but i knew she wouldnt be happy if i didnt.
then i had to tell her i lost it. she was as heartbroken as i was and although she text me everyday there was something not quite right (after 17yrs you know when somehing changes)
anyway, 3 weeks later she admits she kept something from me. the day i lost "jamie" she found out she was pregnant. our EDD would have been just a week apart!
i told her i was happy for her and i meant every word but when she text me her scan pic i broke down and couldnt take anymore! now she doesnt really talk to me about it and it hurts even more.
another friend got pregnant a week or 2 before me. she is lovely and i do love her to bits but everytime i talk to her she complains about something. ok, i know she is having a bad pregnancy but seriously, i would kill to be where she is now knowing that my baby was still growing inside me! ive done all i can for her but as the date gets closer i find myself withdrawing from her more and more. i feel selfish for it but at the same time im scared if i do talk to her im going to say something to destroy our friendship!
i dont think you are being selfish at all hun but i do think shes being insensitive. saying that though, ive been alone during a pregnancy and it was really hard. when i found my friend after 2 years i told her everything, i cried to her, i moaned and that was knowing she couldnt have children. so i guess in part her pregnancy hormones and lonliness are taking over for her right now.
i personally think it would be an idea to let her know that you feel selfish for not being able to enjoy this with her but explain why. if she cant understand then she cant be that good a friend
xxx

[mom 2 haley & tyler]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree that you need to talk to her, via email or whatever makes you most comfortable. Women who haven't gone through a loss don't understand what we have been through. BUT they should use their common sense. If you had a loss, you DON"T want to hear a pg woman complain about every symptom they have. It's too hard to listen to. I hope she'll understand and quit doing this. Please KUP. Remember, we are all here for you.