[~*Nessy*~]

Here's the situation. To say the least, my life is not short of excitement. My sister has 3 children. Due to choices that she made in her life, she does not have custody of her three children. 1 is in the custody of her father, the older child is in that home as well and the youngest is in a non-kindship home. We are actively seeking placement of her youngest child. He is currently the only one we can request placement of. It would be on a permenent basis. Legal Adoption. We have some issues involving state lines, but we are working hard to get past those issues. Dealing with other states is very hard. We have started taking the required classes to get custody. Well, it turns out one of the caseworkers who lead the class has this big round pregnant belly. I cant help it to look at it and feel jelous and hurt. I do really well at holding these feelings in even tho I know I should have that belly too. Top it off, today one of my agents at work tells me she is 3 weeks late. She was hesitant but she did tell me anyways. She was someone who covered my shifts when we had our loss so she knew alot of what was happeneing with me. So I have felt like today has been a particularly hard day for me.

Sitting in the class hubby and I have to attend, we learn about all types of horrible things that have happened to children who are in "the system" and how to address and cope with these things. I have heard things I wish I had never heard. Horrible things. We are working on Attachment and Loss. One of the things, (everyone in the class is attempting to adopt and some are not able to have children) and we have to discuss our "Fertility losses". I can not opt out of participation in this. I had submitted my medical evaluation that specifically stated that I was pregnat. Now I am not. Thursday I am going to have to discuss have a Q&A session about my loss with a class of about 20 people. Granted this class is very open and compassionate class of people. But I dont know how I am going to hold it together and talk about it. Skipping the class is not an option. DH and I must attend every class jointly or it slows down the process.

I know there is a point to this. I know the cause is great, but I still dont know how I am going to get thru this. Its not been that long. And to be very honest...I have not dealt with the emotional aspect of it where talking about it freely comes natural. I dont want to tell them that we are already TTC because I feel like they might think there is something wrong with me for wanting to try again this soon or that it is even really any of their business.

I'm sorry for dishing out my issues like this.

[mom 2 haley & tyler]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. BUT I think you are a wonderful, loving person to do this for your nephew. I think that is wonderful and I wish you all the best with it. As for talking about your loss....I don't really have any advice. I hope it isn't too hard for you and you get through it as best as you can. KUP

[mom2kaisnkam]

Vanessa, you are a wonderful woman for wanting to adopt your nephew. I know exactly how you feel talking about your loss. I could not say I had a miscarriage for a while. I said you know what happened to me all the time. Then I my sister's Sunday School class asked me to give my testimony and things came out that I HAD to say because they did not know what happened to me. After saying these things to these women I felt a relief. I hope that openly talking about your loss will help you also. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Eleysia]

Ness, first off I agree with the other ladies, youre one heck of a mommy to try to take your nephew in. I hope it all turns out so well for your family.

Talking about your loss will probably always be a tender thing. I know for me finally getting to the point where i could talk about it was a major stepping stone in recovering from the hurt. It will always suck because no one completly understands how you feel/felt, and even to some extent .. what you went through. All they know is that you lost your child, and most of them have no idea how to respond to that If you can get to the point where you can start to talk about it, im sure it will be a gigantic help.

[~*Nessy*~]

Hubby and I have been talking about the next class because I am feeling a huge anxiety over this. What I am thinking we can do is have DH do the talking that day and he can do the Q&A session with everyone. I really dont think we are both required to talk about it. The assignment is for us as a couple. I do wish I could just excuse myself to the bathroom for the class.

They say one in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage, being that there are about 15 women in the class, there is prolly atleast one other person who has also had one and I know I am not going to want to hear what she went thru at that time. Not because it isnt important but because talking about my own is so emotional, and then the emotions of knowing what another might have gone thru.

[Brittanie]

It is probably going to be very hard, but I agree with Nette...it'll probably be a help for you. In my experience, anticipation of the event is always worse than the actual even in and of itself.

You build it up to be so hard because all you can see is the negative aspect of it: reliving your loss. However, there are positive aspects too. It's so hard to start talking about it...but once you get started it can be very therapeutic.


I'll be hoping for you that the day isn't as hard as you are dreading.

[HippyMomOf4]

I know its hard to talk about it but i find that when i tell people about my losses it actually makes me feel better inside to get out all the feelings that i'm holding in. Even though my angels were only with me a short time i love to talk about them and share my experience of being pregnant with them. Its a hard thing to talk about but you are a strong woman and i know you can do this. We will all be here for you through this

[jenn27]

I'm really sorry that you are having to go through this but keep your head up and maybe talking about your loss is part of the healing process for you. I know it's hard but you are such a strong woman and a wondreful women. We are all here for you if you need anything and you will be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you find that inner strength deep inside that I know you have to get you through this time. I am sure you will find the right words to say. We are thinking about you and KUP.

[Wee3monkeys]

Wow, hun! I'm sorry you are having to relive your loss w/ strangers, most especially as you are just not quite ready for that! I agree with the girls that have said it will probably be cathartic though. Here's another perspective, the class topic that you are working with is dealing with Attachment and Loss, that is exactly what you are having a tough time getting through right now. And it is completely reasonable and understandable to feel that way, and we can all commisserate with you. But while it hurts so very much, it also makes you and those other would-be parents, able to understand what some of those "system" children have experienced, and makes you a more empathetic and compassionate person because of it. You understand, and you can be there for them in a way that other people just couldn't, KWIM. So yes, it's going to be a hard class; and like you I'd be dreading it too. But, you will survive, you're a strong person, and your survival only makes you stronger; just like with all those poor kids. (I'm about in tears while I write this to you, hun) Look at it not so much as reliving your loss (I know that's HARD), but learning about coping and dealing with loss in general. If you learn to be able to do it, so can you help your nephew or any other child/person trying to deal with it.

[..Jessica..]

I totally 100% agree with the other ladies!

You are such a strong, loving, caring woman to go through all of this for your nephew! I am praying that you and your hubby are awarded custody at the end of all of this.

Now, as for talking about your loss. It will be hard, and it IS expected. You aren't expected to speak of your baby and not cry. I do it all the time when I think of Quinn. You have to talk about it, to people you don't know, and that will be difficult. I commend you for doing this.

Just know we will be right there with you, in spirit, and in your heart. We will be standing right behind you, every step of the way. Every word that is spoken, we will be there.

Stay strong Ness!

[KDD]

Nessy you are wonderful for adopting your nephew!

I still have trouble talking about my loss. I find it a lot easier to type about it. When I have to say the words out loud, I get all choked up. I have found that you will be surprised at who else has had a loss. Like you said, it's unfortunately very common. I told my SIL about my loss when I saw her last week. She confided in me that they had a loss between my nephew and my niece.

I think that your idea of having DH speak is a good one.

Good luck! Please KUP on your progress.

[dojodiva]

Your loss is so recent and the pain is still so fresh that I understand why it is hard to talk about. I went through that, too. After my m/c I had two people (who I don't know really well) tell me they had recently had m/c's and I didn't expect to hear that and ended up sharing my story and it was oddly reassuring to not feel so alone and to understand that others understood what I was going through. I think your plan to have DH do the talking is a good one, and I hope the experience turns out to be a more positive experience than you anticipated.

I'm an adoptive mom and while the classes can seem overwhelming (all the RAD stuff...aack!) because they tend to dwell on the negative aspects and not so much the positive. But it is good in the sense that you feel prepared and have that info just in case you need it, which you most likely won't. I wish you lots of luck with this process. Hang in there. ((HUGS))

[~*Nessy*~]

We've decided that DH will do it because he is so much better at handling his emotions about this than I am. I will go and cry infront of everyone there. Since there will be questions asked I have prepared him with lots of the answers. I know one of the questions asked will be what caused it to happen. I am totally okay explaining what caused this to happen and what we are going to do to fix it. Maybe its harder for me to talk about the actual miscarriage because I was so completely in denial about it, it was one of the reasons I had wanted to let it happen naturally because I hoped that maybe that they were all wrong about it happening.

I know there is two ladies that is in the class who is unable to have children. And there is another couple who dont. There are two unmarried people (not together) that are not parents either. So maybe I am not alone.