Need some advice on a

Madison.N.Hailey'sMom · #1 July 25th, 2008, 11:11 AM

Ok I need some advice girls. Here is a little backround on my situation. DH had a good friend for a long time that we stopped talking to about 2 years ago. The reason for the falling out was that the friend got really drunk one night and came on to me while DH and I were engaged. I didnt let anything happen but DH felt betrayed because this friend was suppose to be a really good friend and then he did this. Well the friend came to our wedding and DH asked him to leave and since then we havent talked to him. Well one this friend ex's and I are still friends and we just found out that this friend lost his dad on Wednesday. I called him to say how sorry we were for his loss and we talked for a little bit. He said that he is going to call more often to keep in touch which is fine with me but DH still wants nothing to do with him. I tryed telling him that it was in the past and lets move on from it. This friend has had problems in the past which didnt help DH want to become friends again. He told me that if I wanted to stay in touch with him he was fine with that. Ok here is my problem. The ex girlfriend and I feel that we should meet with him to show that we are sorry for his loss and catch up but both of us are iffie on if we should or not. I know he will want to talk to DH and there's only so many excused I can come up with like I had to last night. If you were in this situation would you meet with the person and keep in touch with them??? THankx for all your help.

madmum_sarah · #2 July 25th, 2008, 11:17 AM

personally if you are a strong enough person to put it behind you and be there when he needs a friend then i would.
if he asks about your DH and why he wont talk then maybe you need to be honest and say he doesnt mind you doing it but he still cant forgive him for what happend.
ive just got back in touch with my ex and it does take a lot of strength and courage but life goes on, leave the past where it is because it cant be changed. the future is for living and the present is a gift
thats just my opinion though
xxxx
whatever you decide, just be careful

x

..Jessica.. · #3 July 25th, 2008, 11:17 AM

I'm sorry you're in this situation Angie! But, here's my advice.

Keep in touch with him, but don't meet up with him. There are reasons behind Mike not wanting to see him, so I feel that if my husband doesn't want to see this guy, I don't want to either.

If that makes sense.

I'm not picking sides, but, I would just go with Mike on this one. Talk to the guy, but don't meet up with him.

Pitridge · #4 July 25th, 2008, 11:28 AM

Sorry that you are in this situtaion. This is what I would do. I would try to talk DH into going with you out for coffee with him, catch up if it doesn't work, it doesn't work and he doesn't have to talk or see him ever again if he doesn't want to. If DH is ok with you keeping in touch with him, them that's great and if he ask about Dh, be honest with him, tell him the truth.
I'm with Sarah that whatever you decide, be careful, it's a sticky situation and you don't want to hurt your DH.

Madison.N.Hailey'sMom · #5 July 25th, 2008, 11:31 AM

Thankx girls. Mike said he is totaly fine with me talking to Shane (the friend) and I even told him that the ex and I were thining of meeting with shane and said ok. I dont think we will become friends overnight but I've known shane for 11 years as long as I've know Mike. Shane is who set us up. So he was really a friend of both of ours. I just want to see him and see how he is doing and to see if he has turned his life around and if not then I will end it at that. Its hard not to want good things for Shane since he was such a big part in our lifes for awhile there.I would never do anything to hurt Mike and if he came out and said that he wasnt comforable with me talking to shane then I wouldnt at all. Its suck a hard situation.

mom 2 haley & tyler · #6 July 25th, 2008, 11:34 AM

I'm sorry, but I tend to agree with Jessica. I don't think I would talk or meet up with him. If Mike doesn't want to give him another chance, I just think it will cause problems down the road between the two of you. I don't want to see that happen. Whatever you decide, good luck and I'll be behind you all the way. KUP

Pitridge · #7 July 25th, 2008, 11:40 AM

If Mike is ok with you meeting with him, then I would probably go, you are not going alone, so that's good. If he has change and turn his life around, maybe next time Mike can go with you. Like you said they are not going to because friends again over night, it might take a while. Good luck with all of this. I'm one of those people that think that people should get a second change, we all screw up once, we all deserve a second change. But if you meet him and nothing has change, I would stay away from him.

Madison.N.Hailey'sMom · #8 July 25th, 2008, 11:40 AM

I gave Shane my phone number because I knew that Mike doesnt want him to have his. Also I have tryed talking to Mike about just calling him to say that he was sorry for his loss but he doesnt want to. Its really hard. Tamar the ex and I are going to see if he wants to meet up tonight after the viewing.

mom 2 haley & tyler · #9 July 25th, 2008, 11:42 AM

I hope it all goes well Angie! Let us know how it goes.

Madison.N.Hailey'sMom · #10 July 25th, 2008, 11:43 AM

Mike said he is fine with me meeting with shane because I'm not going alone and he understands that shane was a friend of mine too.

Pitridge · #11 July 25th, 2008, 11:45 AM

Good luck Angela, it sounds like a tough situation. I have to say that, you are a good friend to him, you are there when he most needs friends. Give Mike sometime, maybe after you meet him and tell him how much he has change, he might want to meet him.
I'm here for you if you need to talk or anything.

Madison.N.Hailey'sMom · #12 July 25th, 2008, 11:47 AM

Thank you. I think I just want to make sure he is ok and that he is doing good same with the ex. We both feel that with our past with him the least we can do is show that we care and that he isnt alone in a time like this.

madmum_sarah · #13 July 25th, 2008, 11:51 AM

i totally agree angela.
it will be tough but you are showing what a great friend you are and im sure mike loves that about you.
i do hope he doesnt try and say anything bad about this further down the line but at least by taking a friend along you know you are not going to be put in a awkward position
good luck sweety
xx

Pitridge · #14 July 25th, 2008, 11:59 AM

Good luck Angela. You are a great friend, like I said you are there it a time when he most needs someone that cares. Hope everything goes well.

Wee3monkeys · #15 July 25th, 2008, 12:28 PM

I hadn't replied yet, although I've been reading everyone's advice, because I couldn't think of anything better to say. I have this problem with an ex of mine that I'm still friends with, but SO refuses to have anything to do with (even though he's married w/ kids now, and we're only friends). If Mike is OK with it, and as long as your comfortable with it, I think it's fine to keep in touch with him. Let him know you care, and are there if he needs someone to talk to, etc. Maybe, if he has changed, then in time Mike will come around also. If he doesn't.... then I might limit myself to phone, email, txt, type exchanges instead of getting together in person (this is what I do w/ my friend); because Mike's continued discomfort with the guy could cause problems between the two of you down the road. It's wonderful to be a good friend, but some relationships are more important and dear. KWIM? And I think you had come to this conclusion all on your own,

I was just telling you that it was what I thought also.