[AliciaF]

Hello, I've posted a few things here but am ready to "officially" join here. My name is Alicia. I am 29 and have been married for almost 11 years to my high school sweetheart, Josh. We have 3 boys. Conner is 7, Caleb is 5 and we just lost our baby boy Clark on July 10, 2008 at 20 weeks.

My first 2 pregnancies were completely uneventful but my 3rd was awful. I started bleeding at 5w6d from a subchorionic hemorrhage and bled continuously until I had a placental abruption at 20 weeks. I hemorrhaged during and after the delivery, losing 4 pints of blood, and at one point they thought they were losing me.

But, I am here, recovered physically and ready to try again. My docs had said I could start ttc after my first cycle, which I am anticipating soon as I've had symptoms of ovulation. We were also told we are at no higher risk of a recurring problem with either the pregnancy or delivery and my OB's feel it was just one of those things.

Now, I've been bleeding off and on since my delivery just over 3 weeks ago. I had had no bleeding at all for almost a week but today started with some light spotting again. When will I know if I'm having an actual period or still bleeding from delivery?

In your experiences, how has ttcal been different than ttc?

Has anyone had doubts about ttc before your due date with the baby you lost? I know we want more kids and I don't want to wait any longer than I have to to try again but then I wonder if I am doing a disservice to the baby we lost? If I get pregnant quickly then #4 would not have been possible if I had carried Clark to term. I would give anything to have Clark with us still.

But I also know that he is not here and waiting to have another baby won't bring him back.

[.x~KAT~x.]

Im so very sorry for your loss, It is trully heartbreaking to lose a baby, especially the pregnancy is further along

In my experience i have always wanted to try immediently after my losses, BUT it is absolutely a personal decision. TTC after a loss is harder and more emotional, when i get a BFP i have such mixed emotions and fears now Some women find it helps to try again straight away, its not that the new pregnancy replaces the lost pregnancy, its just that it helps to fill a gap in your life, KWIM?!? No one can tell you what to do hun, you TTC when you feel ready to

Im glad you found us and i will be looking forward to your future BFP xxx

[kellyanne]

I'm so sorry not only for your loss, but for all you had to endure throughout your pregnancy. I'm currently on the "rollercoaster" and its so emotionally draining. As far as af goes, you may want to ask your doc....if you stopped for a week and then it gets heavy again, I'd suspect af...but I'm not sure. TTCAL is, unfortunately, quite a bit more stressful. Even though you aren't at any higher risk, it will be hard not to worry so much more than you probably did with your first two pregnancies. At least that is how it is for me. I LOVED being pg with DD, but I just can't enjoy it anymore. I'm hoping that will change as I get further along (my losses have been fairly early), but I don't know if I'll ever be able to really relax. I personally don't think you are doing a disservice to Clark by trying to conceive again. I have this notion that if I am able to carry my current pg to term, then my baby will somehow be bonded to my angels....like having guardian angels or something. I don't know how to explain it, its just a feeling I get. Welcome to the board, and I hope that you are able to start TTC soon!

[KDD]

Welcome Alicia. I am sorry to hear about Clark.

My story is different so I can't offer much insight. I've only been pg once and lost my baby at 9w6d. I know that any subsequent pregnancies will be met with a lot of fear and I will overanalyze every single twinge.

Good luck on your TTCAL journey.

[*becky*]

Welcome, I'm sorry that the circumstances have brought you to our board. I'm so sorry to hear about Clark, there is no doubt that he is watching from above. ((hugs))

For me, TTCAL is alot different than TTC - no physical, but emotionally. I actually am scared to test. I get my hopes up each month and then beat myself up later for doing so. It really is an emotional rollercoaster for me - but everyone is different.

However - what is constant is the wonderful ladies here. It sucks that we are here together, but at least we have each other to lean on!

[MrsPoe]

Alicia,

I lost my little girl at 27w5d and I bled on and off for about 5 weeks. It stopped briefly (about 3-5 days) and then picked up heavy again. So I counted that as my first af after giving birth. When there is a little time of not wearing a pad and then you have to wear one again is about the only way to tell for sure. Another way to tell is to use a cheap hpt. Once it goes negative you will get af shortly after. At least that is what happened with me. My first af came back in 5-6 weeks.

I ttc for 5 years before my dd was conceived. It was draining and emotional of course but ttcal was much more intense for me. We want our baby in our arms so desperately and if it doesn't happen the first month it feels like it will never happen. At least that is the emotions I went through each month after losing my Abby and getting bfn's. Emotionally it is tough because when we get af its a constant reminder that our little ones aren't here with us. Plus there is so much emotional healing to do as well and as much as we want it to happen overnight, it just doesn't work that way. At the same time ttcal gave me something else to focus on and charting helped give me a sense of "control" of my body. I felt more in control of what my body was doing.

I waited to ttc until after my second pp cycle and because my dd came 3 months early that would make the baby due on my Abby's due date. I freaked out a little about it and was scared to try that month but then didn't want to wait an extra month to start, so I risked it and it didn't happen. Then when her due date came around I had an emotional breakdown again, and was sad that I wasn't even pregnant by her due date. Then several months went by and I kept thinking of when my due date would be "if" I was to get pg that month. I almost avoided ttc the month of Oct. because I didn't think I could manage going through the same thing at the same time that I did with Abby. I later discovered that it will happen when it is meant to. And if they share the same due date, or any of the same dates, it might be a sign from our little ones telling us that it is ok. So maybe your Clark will be there looking after his little bro or sis and helping you through it too.

I hope that your stay here will be short. And if you ever want to talk I am here for you!

[Bakin8th]

I am so very sorry for your loss

Ihad a simaler experiance with my 4th loss. He was 17w. I had him at home in bathroom and hemeraged.

By the time we got the hour ride to the hospital in ambulance over with and emerg d&c I lost so much blood I almost died. The last BP I seen was 40/50 I needed 3 units of blood in a transfusion after.

I Bled for about a week then first af showed up 7w later and I got pg and had a full term baby. 10 months 3 weeks later.

I got pg 12 weeks after that baby and at 8w u/s showed a 4cmx 3cmx 2cm Subchorionic hemotoma.

She ended up by liveing till 17w as well. I had her in a medical setting in hops vaginally with a d&c after for hemerage. No tranfusion needed this time. That was 3 months ago.

IT took me 13 weeks for first real af I chart so that halped clear up the fog as to what was af and was once again brealthough bleeding. I was so fusterated I would think af was here and then a few days later I would spot all over after 11 weeks I went to dr had blood work and it turns out I was haveing postpartum effects that why the ereg bleeding.

You can count any bleed as af. The problem with that is only your body knows what is AF and will only O accordingly.

I suggest charting or seeing dr for blood work if the bleeding and spotting keeps up.

I am curently on 7dpo first cycle since my loss at 17w

Good Luck!!

[AliciaF]

Thanks everyone for all the input.

Since they have no idea what causes SCH they can say that I am not at a higher risk but several women from my SCH Yahoo group have had SCH's recur in subsequent pregnancies. I am so terrified to go through this again. I have lost the innocence of pregnancy

Praysforadozen - my SCH was 6cmX6cm. They are awful, awful things to deal with. Everyone I know, even my OB's constantly told me how common it is and how it's never really anything to worry about. Then my bleeding continued and worsened and I was put on modified bedrest, then the contractions started and it was full bedrest. I was told the day before I abrupted that my chances of a loss at that point were very low, then the worst happened.

[tracalyn]

I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my angel at 20w to full placental abruption. I had been spotting/bleeding off and on for 4 weeks. The Perinatalogist said I had a small rupture at the top of my placenta but they would watch it and it shouldn't be a problem. I went to the OB for abdominal pain (3 weeks later) and they admitted me to the hospital for active bleeding. I lost her that night.

My OB ran multiple clotting tests which all just came back normal, so she's telling me it was a fluke for me as well. However, my OB now automatically considers me a high risk pregnancy BECAUSE of the placental abruption. Women who have abruptions have a slightly higher chance of it happening again than the general public BUT that is still a very miniscule risk. I didn't have a SCH, or at least wasn't diagnosed with any. I just wanted to share with you what I was told.

[jenn27]

Hi Alicia. I'm so very sorry for your loss but i'm glad you decided to go ahead and join us. These women are all sooooo wonderful. I really can't offer any input because my circumstances were different. We lost our angel very early at almost 5 weeks but I wanted to tell you that we are all here for you and I hope that you get your BFP quickly and have a little miracle in your arms in the near future.