Being OVERLY cautious..?

MusicalJulia · #1 August 26th, 2008, 10:51 AM

I'm going to drive myself nuts. Nuts, I tell ya. Nuts!

My miscarriage only happened 2+ weeks ago.. I have my good days, I even have my great days. I have sad days, I have downright miserable leave-me-ALONE-or-i'll-bite-your-head-off days. We're TTC again when I get AF (which my body, btw, seems to be immediately back on track as I already ovulated after my miscarriage).

As many women do, I'm sure (unless I'm alone here, but I don't think so?) I had those guilty feelings like *I* did something wrong to cause the loss. I know that deep down in my heart I did nothing. I'm sure it was a fluke. It was meant to be. Something went wrong, and it wasn't caused by anything I did. BUT, yanno.. you still get "those" feelings.

Do those feelings EVER stop?
I'm sitting here with a massive headache.. because I won't drink coffee. And I'm not even TTC quite yet. But, I figure if I stop the coffee NOW it'll be easier.. and I won't have to stop cold turkey while TTC or pregnant. And why am I stopping coffee? Because.. I DRANK it while I was pregnant. And now I somehow think in my mind it caused my loss.

I'm almost afraid to get pregnant again because I have a good idea that I'll be SO overly cautious .. that I'll drive everyone around me, including myself, insane.

TELL ME I don't have to be SO cautious over everything. It wasn't MY fault, right?? UGH. Can I have my cup of stinkin' coffee?!?!?

jenn27 · #2 August 26th, 2008, 11:03 AM

hun. I know exactly what you mean. I felt the same way after my m/c. I felt like maybe it was something that I did or that I was being punished for something. Those feeling will fade. I still have my moments when I think about the what if I done this, or what if I hadn't done that, but over time It gets easier. I just tell myself that God meant for things to be that way even though it's hard sometimes. I think you will be cautious no matter what because you have experienced a loss. I hope that when you start ttc again and get your BFP, that you can enjoy it without being to worried. We are all here for you so you can vent and say whatever it is you need to say. I promise you will not drive us nuts. We have all been there and understand what you are going through. I hope that you get your sticky BFP quickly. G/L hun.

mom 2 haley & tyler · #3 August 26th, 2008, 11:10 AM

What you are feeling is so normal for those of us who've had a loss. It will get easier in time. You will always have good and bad days. You did NOT cause your m/c. I think we all go through that feeling, but there is nothing that you did wrong. You can drink coffee, too. I can't remember the limit, but you just shouldn't consume more than that a day. You might try to search the web for it. I'll be honest, it took me 8 months to get pg after my m/c. I didn't think it would ever happen again. It will happen, you just have to try to stay positive and know we are all here for you. I am still scared to death every day that I will lose this baby. That fear doesn't go away. I hope when you ttc you get a very sticky BFP the first try and all is well.

Pitridge · #4 August 26th, 2008, 11:21 AM

Those feelings are normal, I still now something feel like I did something wrong, even know I'm pg again. I'm scare that i might lose the baby, that fear I don't it ever goes away. I won't do the same things that I did with the last pg, I'm cautious as you should be, but I don't go to extremes. Honestly it's was probably something wrong with the baby, you did not do anything to cause the m/c. Go and drink that cup of coffee, I think the recommended those is 200mg, which in 8oz cup a day. I quit drinking regular coffee and I switch to Decaf, so I still get that coffee flavor that I love.
I hope your get your bfp soon!

MusicalJulia · #5 August 26th, 2008, 11:22 AM

Thank you so much girls, you made me feel better (and normal-ha).
You know what the funny part of my logic & thinking is... is that I wasn't even drinking coffee when I had the miscarriage. I had coffee for a few weeks after my BFP (and just 1 cup a day, sometimes I even skipped it).. and then I had an aversion to coffee, the thought of coffee (and the smell-ick) bothered me SO much that I had to stop it. (and I also had some morning sickness.. which the coffee appeared to aggrivate more). So, I drank for maybe 3 weeks of my pregnancy?? (and had the loss at 10 weeks). I know in my heart that coffee caused no harm- I certainly practiced moderation, and was told that was ok. I'm just being really anal right now. But, I can't seem to help it.

I'm actually pretty curious to see how long it takes us to conceive. It took us one cycle when we tried last time.. I was definitely a lucky person, and never took that for granted (as I have very, very close friends who have been trying for a loooong time, and I know how hard it is for them.. and for me, to see it happen to them).

I just hope I can RELAX when pregnant. I was so FAR from worried when I was pregnant! I never really had many fears. I'm laid back. I never thought something would go wrong. Just not the type to worry much. Now I'm afraid my next pregnancy will be so opposite. I just want to enjoy it, and it scares me that I won't in the beginning.

I'm so sorry, apparently I'm in a rambling mood today

~Laurie~ · #6 August 26th, 2008, 12:47 PM

I think that not knowing the cause is one of the things that makes pregnancy loss so difficult to accept. You probably did everything right and next time you will do the same things and probably everything will turn out differently. I hope you get your BFP soon.

Christine-MA · #7 August 26th, 2008, 01:07 PM

Ugh Julia! I can assure you that you are not the only one with those thoughts. I feel exactly how you do....I KNOW that I didn't cause it...but I can't keep thinking I drank a little coffee (like 2 cups a week), I had lunchmeat one day!, I had diet juices that contain splenda, I played softball even though some of my family said I shouldn't, blah blah blah. And I'm sure none of those things caused the m/c, but you can't help but think of them.

I do worry when (notice I said WHEN) we get pregnant again, that I will be way overly cautious. We'll see when the time comes I guess. I think we've decided to wait 2 months to TTC again. The thought of it kinda scared me, I don't know what I'd do if I m/c again. I have never had more respect for women who experience it multiple times. They are so strong.

Glad your body is returning to normal so soon. I can't wait to stalk your chart, and for you to announce BFP news!

Eleysia · #8 August 26th, 2008, 01:08 PM

Julia sweetheart Im absolutly positive that it wasnt you. I thikn thats one of the biggest things with a pregnancy loss. There is always the unknown, and "what if's". This was one of the harder things for me to come to grips with. I had a really huge struggle with my first loss because of it, then by the second loss that whole "everything happens for a reason" saying became a bit clearer for me. I was lucky enough to be able to see my reason (rather have it shoved down my throat haha) fairly soon after my loss/es, for some itll take months or even years.

With DS I smoked during a portion of my pg (i know shame on me

) and even got fall down drunk 2 times before I found out at 9 weeks i was pregnant!!

It makes me wonder what i did so wrong after that to lose 2 babies, but i know it was not me. Deep down inside you just have to accept that really... its all out of our hands.

HippyMomOf4 · #9 August 26th, 2008, 01:32 PM

Don't ever feel like its your fault, cause its not. I did feel that way after my first loss and after i saw someone and talked to them it did make me feel better, and i know that its not your fault. If you are going to m/c there is nothing anyone can do to stop it, its just natures way of saying something wasn't right. As for the caffine, the new study they did said you can actually drink 200mg a day which is 5 sodas or 2 cups of coffee and it will not do any harm. So don't beat yourself up over have a few sodas.

LifeToTheMax · #10 August 26th, 2008, 07:32 PM

Aww, Julia! Your feelings are totally normal. It absolutely was not your fault. I still have those feelings sometimes, but I'm starting to realize that I will never be able to fully appreciate getting pregnant again if I spend the entire time full of worry. I think that you, me, all of the ladies here will always have our fears and worries and stress amplified. Just know that we are always here for you, for anything need you need, support, advice, a place to vent, and of course lots of love! I ferverently hope that when you and your DH start TTC it will go so quick and successfully! And that everything will go perfect and you can really enjoy being pregnant! You definitely deserve it!!

KDD · #11 August 26th, 2008, 07:39 PM

Julia, everyone's said it already, but I'll say it again - you did not cause your miscarriage! If you're worried about caffeine, just google your favourite drinks and find out how much caffeine is in them, and try to keep your intake to about 100mg/day (well below the limit).

I think that we all have feelings of guilt after our losses. Especially because we will never know what the cause of the loss was. It does get easier with time, honest.

Think back a generation or two when women smoke, and drank, and rode horses, and did a lot of physical labour. We're all here, so they can't all of had losses.

MusicalJulia · #12 August 26th, 2008, 08:03 PM

You've all made me feel better- honestly. So thank you, I needed that tonight! I have to get past the "it was my fault" mentality.. I'm sure that will be easier with me in time. But, I DID have my cup of coffee today

#13 August 27th, 2008, 08:54 AM

Aww Julia, you sound exactly like me a few months ago. And about a week after my m/c there was a news story on the link between caffeine and miscarriages. I was like OMG are you kidding me. It's my fault, I drank coffee at work everyday before I found out I was pg, I drank a coke with pizza, I took advil, etc etc.

My mom always says when she was pg they didn't give up pop, coffee, fish, lunch meat, smoking, etc etc and most of us are still here and we're just fine. It's been nine months since my m/c and I'm not gonna lie, I still think back and try to figure out what I did wrong every once in a while. It'll get better though hun.