Am I selfish?

#1 September 21st, 2008, 05:23 PM

Am I selfish to keep trying for another baby? I've lost 3 pregnancies since my DD was born and lost my son. Does anybody else feel selfish for wanting more than one living child? I don't want to replace my son or any of my other babies that I have lost, but I do want to hold another baby, to breastfeed, to nurture and love. I don't want my daughter to be an only child. I was an only child and so was my DH until about 7 years ago (his mom "started" over). I just want to know that my daughter won't be alone if anything ever happens to us. My mother told me I was being selfish and I should just be grateful that my daughter was born and stop trying before I have another pregnancy end in a stillbirth. I'm in complete shambles beating myself up over the fact that my mom thinks I am selfish and that I don't know what my husband thinks. He changes his mind every other day now. Sorry for long strange post, just don't have anybody to talk to about this stuff, and nobody else will pretend to listen. Thanks

Lily

tracalyn · #2 September 21st, 2008, 05:29 PM

I don't think it's selfish to feel someone is missing from your life. It's our right as women to yearn for a baby and see that through. Some of us just have to go through a lot more crap than others before this happens.

I don't agree with your mother at all. I can understand her not wanting to see you go through possible pain again. However, she should understand or at least try to that you want another baby to love. It sounds like you and DH need to sit down and have an honest open chat. Maybe he's scared and doesn't want to see you hurt again as it is their job to protect us.

Of course we'll listen honey. That's what we're here for.

MountainMomma · #3 September 21st, 2008, 06:21 PM

I don't think you are selfish at all! And I think our mother's might get along really well, because mine said the same thing to me! I think it's just natural to want to try again after a miscarriage....especially if you were trying in the first place.

LifeToTheMax · #4 September 21st, 2008, 06:28 PM

I don't think it is selfish at all!! In fact, I think it is the opposite of selfish that you are willing to go through all of the pain and heartache to provide your DD with a sibling. My younger brother is one of my closest friends and I can't imagine life without him. That said, I also think that if you and your DH decide that you should just enjoy your time with DD, that would be a wonderful decision too. I think that only the two of you know what is the best for your family, and that it is your decision, no one else should make you feel selfish for any decision you make.

Brittanie · #5 September 21st, 2008, 07:16 PM

Quote:

I don't think it is selfish at all!! In fact, I think it is the opposite of selfish that you are willing to go through all of the pain and heartache to provide your DD with a sibling. My younger brother is one of my closest friends and I can't imagine life without him. That said, I also think that if you and your DH decide that you should just enjoy your time with DD, that would be a wonderful decision too. I think that only the two of you know what is the best for your family, and that it is your decision, no one else should make you feel selfish for any decision you make.

[/b]

I totally agree with the bolded. I'm sorry she made you feel that way. It's completely unfair of her. You are NOT selfish, being that you are risking your heart for another child. What right does she have to tell you that?

Only you and your husband can decide what is best for your family. Good luck honey. You'll get support for either decision here.

Mommy0305 · #6 September 21st, 2008, 07:41 PM

What your mother said wasn't nice. I completely understand wanting to have more children even though you all ready have one. You are not being selfish at all!

mary30 · #7 September 21st, 2008, 07:49 PM

Your mom was wrong to say that to you. I have three children and have lost three. With losing my last one this month. We are going to try again. I also miss that bonging and just watching your child grow

So no you are not being selfish

southernmom · #8 September 22nd, 2008, 06:39 PM

I understand how you feel. I have three great children and I am greatful for each of them, however I have also had two second trimester losses and after the last loss my family started to tell me that I should be grateful for what I have and cut my losses . I was soooo upset at them for being so unsympathetic, I did not understand why they would think I was being selfish for wanting another baby. Well I finally spoke to my Dad and explained to him how I felt and his response was surprising. He told me that it hurt him to see the pain I was going through and as my Father he did not want me to have to go through it, he wants more than anything for me to be happy and did not want to see me go through any more of the physical and emotional pain. I guess what I am trying to say is that no one knows how we feel until they have been in our position and their opinions and suggestions may be way off base, however do not lose focus on the fact that it may be coming from a sincere place. I would hope that you can go to your Mom and explain how you are feeling, maybe then she will understand your need to have another baby. I will say that I hope my daughter never has to experience the pain that we have all felt, but if she does I will be right there for her. You sound like a very UNselfish person from what you have written and your Mom should be proud!

#9 September 22nd, 2008, 07:26 PM

Thanks everybody I was so worried that I was being selfish because THATS MY MOM saying those things. I talked to my DH and made it clear that I couldn't handle him changing his mind on and off everyday because this is serious for me, and he went out for a while. I thought I made him mad, but he came back with flowers and a card that said, "let get into the babymaking business" lol. I actually started to cry, I guess my hormones are still messed up. Then I hugged him and he said he was sorry, just that he was scared too. And I told my mom to stay out of my business because even though she may have the best intentions, I want another child, and could never imagine leaving my child with no siblings.

LifeToTheMax · #10 September 22nd, 2008, 08:40 PM

How sweet of your DH!! I'm glad to hear that you have found an answer (and that it is such a happy one!). And I so hope that you get your BFP soon!!

going4it · #11 September 23rd, 2008, 07:09 AM

aww, your dh sounds like a doll!!!! Now you have your answer.
Besides my losses, I had a VERY bad birth with my son 8 years ago. An extremely long story, as short as possible: my dr sewed a flesh eatting bacteria (clostridium) into my 4th degree episiotomy. I was sent home even though in a HUGE amount of pain. When I returned, less than 24 hrs later, because I could not tolerate the pain anymore, I was septic. They didn't know if they could save me. A fact that they told not only me, but my family. For 3 days, everyone waited. Obviously, I survived, but it meant 1 month in the hospital, 1 additional month in outpatient care every day, 1 month of withdrawl from opiate pain meds, 6 months of not rememebering anything (including my newborn son), my family had to put their lives on hold (my mom quit her job) to take care of me. I have a TON of permanent damage that I can't go into right now. Eight years later, still on anti anxiety meds from the hyper barrick chamber. The whole scene was so wrong.
ANYWAY, my mother made a similar comment about my recent miscarriage. saying it was forr the best, best for my body. B$HIT! I want a BABY!!! I had to tell her where I was coming from and now she understands and even though she knows we are going to be trying (also, I am 41, so factors there too) she keeps her mouth shut.
Sorry, I didn't mean to steal your thread and make it about me, but for some reason, it came pouring out.

Eleysia · #12 September 23rd, 2008, 08:46 AM

Lily, I know Im a bit late on the reply. Im sorry for that. I agree with all of the other ladies on the fact that youre very far from being selfish. You had something taken from you that you were not ready to give up yet. That alone leaves a void that you will want to fill, then add that it was a child?! That makes you long for it even worse as a mommy.

Your DH is awsome, I cried when I read what he did for you. Thats exactly what you need right now. Someone to help you be strong when you second guess yourself. If you ever need anything, I swear to you, we do not pretend to listen lol, we genuinly care. Im living vicariously through all of you ladies right now, so please keep the posts coming. Its what we are all here for.

#13 September 23rd, 2008, 11:39 AM

Thanks girls

Enchanted Mumma · #14 September 24th, 2008, 03:18 AM

I don't think you are selfish at all. You have every good intention to care and nurture your babies when you conceive unfortunately you have no control over what happens after that point. You have every right to want another living child and a sibling for your daughter. I feel the same way with my DD...I really want her to have someone else in her life.
I know how hard it is when your Mother of all people say something like that but as hard as it is you need to look past that and do what YOU and DH think is right.

to you