The waiting game

kristajoyce · #1 September 24th, 2008, 05:30 PM

I am trying to pass time.

We had a m/c in April at 17 weeks. I am still so devestated by it. Our DR said we could start TTC after one cycle, but because of my DH's sperm test, we were given less than a 5% chance of conceiving. Well, we read everything we could and tried all the tricks and on 9/18 I had a funny feeling and took an hpt. There was a faint line and I thought I was imagining it, so I called and they had me take a blood test. They called me back four days later (four giddy days- because I just kept taking hpts to see that beautiful pink line). My DR said not to get my hopes up because she didn't think it would be a viable pregnancy. I didn't know anything about hcg levels then, but I sure do now.

I went in for a 2nd test and yesterday found out that my original level was 10 and four days later it was 69. The DR said that it was a good rise, but that my number should be over 1000 by now and she still thinks I will m/c soon. In the mean time, I get to take a blood test every two days and play the waiting game. I took a test today and it is so hard to wait. She won't call me until after she has seen all her patients tomorrow, so I have to wait until 4:30 or so. I am praying for higher numbers or that I ovulated later or something.

I have had no cramping or spotting. Just nausia and gas (sorry-TMI).

I sure could use any words of encouragement or success stories with low hcg levels.

Thanks for listening!

Bakin8th · #2 September 24th, 2008, 05:42 PM

I am so very sorry for your loss at 17w in April

I had my last loss at 17w April 15th. I am currently ttcing as well.

I really am praying you Oed a bit later and the numbers keep riseing! Although the rate they are riseing is pretty good.

I had a loss at 6w and my first beta was 80 the second was 84 so that clearly shows how slow mine was riseing. Good luck I know how hard waiting is.

kristajoyce · #3 September 24th, 2008, 05:55 PM

Thank you, pfad.

I am also so sorry for your loss. Were they able to give you any explanation? They told me that nothing went wrong and that the baby's heart just stopped. I really wish I knew more than that.

I was relieved that hcg numbers had gone up so much in four days, but my DR said that it didn't matter because the number is too low for 18 DPO. I am trying to hold onto hope until I hear what my numbers were for today.

Bakin8th · #4 September 24th, 2008, 06:10 PM

(((hugs))) I really pray a sticky bean for you!

Acually I have lost 2 babies at 17w's 18 months apart. The first time it was twins and one passed at 11w and then the liveing twin heart just apeared to stop at 17w. I had the placenta genitically tested and a full autotpsy done on baby and all results come back that baby and genitics are 100% nornal so no answer's there.

This past April I had bought a medical grade doppler and diagnosed fetal demize at home and called dr and booked a induction she was born perfect as was the other baby and once again all testing showed a normal karyotype and perfect baby.

I did have a large 4cm x 3cm x 2cm subchorionic hemotoma at the 8w u/s that was never medically proven to be the cause of death but my dr feel it might have been the reason why. We will never know.

I was also tested for the differnt blood clotting disorder's and all those came back neg. My dr says its a real puzzel and the risk should be low if we are blessed again.

Do you chart?

LifeToTheMax · #5 September 24th, 2008, 06:24 PM

I'm so sorry about your loss. But, it seems to me that your numbers are rising really well! My last loss at 8 weeks my numbers went from 1200 something to 1400 something in 2 days, and they clearly were not rising/doubling. While you numbers might be low, at least they are going up! I'll keep hoping that you did just O later than you thought and that your numbers keep going up!!

kristajoyce · #6 September 24th, 2008, 06:42 PM

I hadn't started charting yet. We had been using those ovulation prediction kits (I found three kits on clearance for $5 each). I ran out of the sticks on the 3rd and I hadn't ovulated yet, so I am still hoping for a late ovulation.

The m/cs must have been so hard for you. I will keep you in my prayers.

The hardest part is not being able to talk to anyone about it. Whenever I talk to my friends or even my husband, they always say that I should be grateful that I have my two children and if it is meant to be it will be. That is so frustrating for me. Of course I am thankful for my two beautiful children, but that in no way means that I am less sad or going through less pain than any other mother that has lost a baby. I want more children and my friends and family make me feel guilty for that. It is just so hard to go through this on my own. Do you ever feel that way?

Bakin8th · #7 September 24th, 2008, 07:19 PM

ohh reading your post is exactly what I feel and go through!!

It's so hard for pple to grasp the idea that we can be deeply morning yet be joyful and thankful for what we have. I really feel we have been trained to grieve in silence even more so if we have blessed with kids prior.

I have found that pple for whatever reason feel they should voice their opinion about wether or not I should have more kids.

I just say ..You know I have recently lost a baby. I am hurting and grieving my deceased loved one and now you acualy suggest that while am I haveing to go through this terriable expierince that you have never been though but you think I should be subjected to MORE pain and grieve by not haveing any more kids.... Somehow I am now expelled from ttcing and realizing our families dreams?.... because I already have kids and suffered a loss? .... How does that even make sense? ... LOL shuts up pple fast!

Infact that why I have recently as a Doula started to take on clients before,dureing and after a m/c fetal demise or a still birth.

This area is greatly ignored by the medical cummunity as they focus just on the physical aspect of a loss. I have found in my 5 loss that noone wants to hear about and noone wants you to be dwelling on it.

I give my clients a book called "Tear Soup" by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen. It is amazing book that really bring the basics of grieving to a level we call relate too. It has this incrediable way of letting you know that what your feeling it not only Normal but its ok! Sometimes we have to understand that as humans not all us are built to cope with others going through a loss of any kind. The key is welcome those who do

I was blessed to able to attend a grief workshop based on that book. So far my clients have loved the book and the support!

I know what you going through is very hard and waiting to know what is going on is torture. You are no alone the ladies here are Amazing!!!!!!!

kellyanne · #8 September 24th, 2008, 07:46 PM

Welcome to the board, and I'm so sorry for your loss. I honestly can't imagine what it must feel like to have a loss that far along and get no real reason why it happened. I have had 3 m/c, 2 were early and one was 10 weeks. I did find out that my 10 week loss was a chromosomal abnormality though. As far as your HCG goes....I have always heard that you can NEVER diagnose a m/c based on one number....I'm really surprised that your doc seems to have done just that. The only way to know that your number was low would be to know exactly when you ovulated. When you did get your second number, it was great. I will keep my fingers crossed for late ovulation (it really isn't that uncommon, I conceived DD on CD 21). KUP on your results when you get them tomorrow!

mom2njia · #9 September 24th, 2008, 08:38 PM

I am so sorry you are going through this, I am also waiting to see if I miscarry. My first hcg was 27 (a bit low but I think I was under 4 weeks) second was 53. Doctor said that was good. I still feel pregnant but I took a test this am (i couldnt help it it was in the house) and the line was faint again! I took three more test all light. I called doc and went in for another blood test, I have to wait til tommorow for the results. I am praying for good news for both of us.

kristajoyce · #10 September 24th, 2008, 09:28 PM

I think my doctor is concerned because I should be 5 weeks tomorrow and my number is too low for that.

It really is great to find a board where people understand. I can't tell you how much it is helping just to know that people are hoping with me.

Kelly, thanks for the encouraging words.

PFAD, I think that you are crazy for wanting 12 kids (but in a good way

I would love 12 kids, but my husband says we have to stop at 6 (two in each bedroom). We are hoping to have one more of our own and then foster children and perhaps adopt through fostering. I hope that you get your wish.

mom2nji, I hope that your test comes back with good numbers. Those hpt can really freak you out. I have one test left, but probably not for long. I may need some reassurance to get to sleep!

I'll post my results tomorrow.

I hope and pray that we all find peace in our journey to a new soul.

akafrogs · #11 September 24th, 2008, 09:43 PM

your number is a little low for 18 DPO, but if you weren't charting and you didn't have a + OPK, you very easily could have ovulated late. But over a 1000 at that time is a little high. and a few day can make a HUGE difference.

I hope this site will help put your mind at ease. it has a chart showing the average, the lowest and the highest...all of them are "supposed" to have been confirmed with a heartbeat later, but it's on the honor system, so I'm sure there are some that aren't. betabase.info

I hope your numbers continue to rise!!!

--------------------------------------
Deanna

Christine-MA · #12 September 25th, 2008, 06:28 AM

I am so sorry for your loss, and wish you the best with this pregnancy. Please keep us posted.

I think people don't know their comments are insensitive. I try to think before I TTC what I might have said to someone that had a m/c and wonder if I would have said something that I hate to hear now "it'll happen when it's meant to happen" or "everything happens for a reason" blah blah. More than anything, you just want someone to listen and feel your sadness. Of course you love your other children, that's unrelated to the love you felt for baby!

Best of luck to you.

kristajoyce · #13 September 25th, 2008, 10:31 AM

I just got the call. My number rose from 69 to 141 in exactly 48 hours so they are at least still doubling like they are supposed to. I know it is still a waiting game, but I at least have a little hope now. I go in for another hcg test tomorrow.

Last night was so stressful. I couldn't sleep and I just couldn't stop thinking about all the what ifs. Does anyone have any helpful suggestions on how to reduce the stress of all this?

I am trying to stay calm and I know there is nothing I can do about what is or what is not going to happen, but I am just not able to focus on my work (and needless to say, my house is getting quite messy).

The waiting continues...

kellyanne · #14 September 25th, 2008, 11:13 AM

Krista

Hooray for doubling numbers!! I sure hope they keep doing that! As far as trying not to stress too much, it seems like we each have our own coping mechanisms. I try to distract myself, but I've heard a lot of women on here say that they just try to enjoy each second that they are blessed enough to be pregnant. I think that is a good way to look at it....the "live in the moment" approach. Unfortunately, no matter what you do, you will probably still worry a lot. One of the major downsides to TTC after a loss. My first pregnancy was so blissfully ignorant, I enjoyed it so much. I don't think it is possible for it to be that way again for me.

P.S. My DH and I are planning to foster/adopt as well. We're actually planning to start the process soon, that way I'll have something to focus on if I have any more m/c's.

kristajoyce · #15 September 26th, 2008, 01:08 PM

Well, I went in to get tested again today. I won't know the results until Monday.

I think the DRs have already written me off. The lab tech and I are getting really friendly now after 4 visits and she said that she was sorry that I was going through this loss. I told her that I haven't lost the baby yet and she said that my chart indicated that they were taking hcg levels to show when my numbers got back down to 0. She double checked with the DRs to make sure she was doing the right test.

Just when I was getting my hopes up again...

going4it · #16 September 26th, 2008, 01:18 PM

The communication in some drs office isn't "all that", so I would worry about what your lab tech said. I hope you get your numbers back tomorrow and can confirm that this is a good pregnancy!!!
I'm still thinking happy thoughts for you!

~Lynda~ · #17 September 27th, 2008, 04:33 AM

you and your little one are in my thoughts and prayers. i hope your numbers keep going up strong!!!

cam & sami's mom · #18 September 27th, 2008, 06:44 AM

Best of luck to you - the numbers rising is a good sign. I wouldn't worry about what the lab tech says. Drs offices have to write down something for insurance purposes. Will the lab give you your results? Mine always has.

kristajoyce · #19 September 28th, 2008, 05:33 PM

This has been one of the longest weekends ever. I just can't wait until I find out my results tomorrow. I really hope that they call me in the morning!

What has kept me sane at this point is that my DH reminded me that we had a romantic evening about a week after I should have O'd and if I happened to O a week later then my numbers aren't that bad. Right now I just have to grasp onto whatever hope I can until I hear my numbers!