I really hope i dont affend anyone...

but i found it hard once breaking the news.. what people would say..

i didnt like on forums and im guilty of this.. 'sorry' or 'i dont know what to say..'.. i know ppl dont know what else to say.. but with all the losses in my last ddc and in nov.. it was like they said sorry and thats it.. your gone.. I was lucky that a few girls contacted me after and i still see some around..or they would bump a post just to check in to see how i was..
I just love it when you get that couple of people that say something really nice and they do care..
When im in a ddc.. I care about the women in it.. I will be washing my dishes and pop back on to see how people are.. It just disturbs me they sorry.. and bye..

i do know its not always like that..

and then the people in my town.. " its because your young " no.
" it was only a fetus" yes but still my baby "no its a fetus"
"how far are you now?" me" things didnt go well with the pregnancy" them" its for the best"

even my family still dont realise i have my days where im still hurt by a loss..

it just annoys me..

I know exactly how you feel. I think it's hard looking at a loss from both sides. I have to admit I was oblivios to miscarriage before my loss. I had 2 normal pregnancies and then had a loss. Before the loss, I didn't understand what is was to lose, didn't understand the attatchment that you have so early on and how wanted the babies were. Stupid I know but I just didn't get it, I hadn't experienced myself.

Then I did, was devastated, still have my bad days. It took us 18 months to get pregnant again and sometimes I still cry about the baby we lost. Our baby was with us for 11 weeks, but a loss is a loss no matter the time in your womb.

I say all this becasue we would like those women, family, and friends to understand what we are going through and it's not that we're young or the baby wasn't meant to be or whatever. To them, they think they are helping us and if they haven't experienced a loss then we have to be sympathetic to them as well, as hard as it may be. It was difficult for me and after hearing those words, my hubby would support me and I would have a good cry on his shoulder. It's so hard.

So feel free to use our shoulders to vent or have a cry on.

I know people are trying to help.. i know its hard trying to find words whats right to say. im so glad everyone tried to give me the time.. im thankful for my ddc i had in april.. i just have my days..

thank you.

I know what you're saying and I don't think I helped any, it is so hard. I'm so sorry for your loss.

No matter how much easier the days get, we still do have our days and that pain will always be in our hearts.

[~Laurie~]

I was never part of a DDC on this board, but I was on a different message board (btw-this site is way better ) and when I told them about my loss, I got (maybe) 6 responses. That was it. I was 24 weeks along and they didn't seem to really appreciate what it was like for me. It was almost like they didn't want to think about it happening to them, so they just wanted me to go away quickly. That's how it felt, anyway. People say to me all the time "at least you already have one", like I shouldn't be upset about losing my daughter because I already have a child so any other children I have is just icing on the cake? They shouldn't matter as much? What I hate are people that say "I know exactly what you're going through. The sister of a friend of mine went through the same thing, and it was so hard". Seriously? They have NO idea what I am going through because they haven't had it happen to them. I just try to tell myself that they are trying to comfort me, and I should be thankful for that. If they bumble it up well, at least they tried. There are plenty of people that haven't said a word to me, and that's worse (in my opinion). I don't think this post is helpful per se, but I want you to know that you aren't alone in this. People are imperfect, and the often don't do or say what you would like them to, but all you can do is try to learn from their mistakes and do better yourself whenever you're in the same situation. That's how I look at it anyway. I hope you feel a little better soon. I'm told that with time, there are more good days than bad days. Either way, you always have us to come to.

[kellyanne]

The frustration for me throughout this whole process has been feeling very isolated. I didn't tell many people about my pregnancies, and it is so socially awkward to bring up a loss. To me, it seems like it is one of those things that you just don't talk about because it makes people uncomfortable. So people never really learn how common miscarriage is, why it happens (you were too young? come on!) or how to react. With my first two miscarriages I felt like I was the only one in the world that this was happening to. When I found this board it helped a ton, but I think it would help even more if it was a more open thing IRL. With my last loss I had a D&C so obviously those people at the hospital knew about the loss. In the time I was there, the ultrasound tech, a nurse, and a receptionist all told me that they had "been there". It helped me SO much to know that. I was thankful that they were willing to share that with me. I've said this before, but I feel like experiencing a loss is like being part of a club that outsiders (those who haven't experienced it) just don't "get." Even my DH, who was so supportive at the time of my losses, doesn't really realize how much I am still affected by it.

[Brittanie]

In a way I guess I "lucked out." There has been a LOT of loss in my family, so when it came to mine, my mother, my grandmothers, my aunts...all knew just to cry with me.

But other people...yeah they say stupid things. I have had my share too, including a guy who overheard my conversation with a customer at Walmart (I worked there), and decided to come up to me afterward and tell me that since she didn't breathe she didn't have a soul. [um, how can that be anything but hateful?]

So, I guess I just wanted to let you know, like the others, that you aren't alone. I've heard people who have never experienced loss of any kind say stupid things to people who have losses other than pregnancy too. Our society is just an insensitive one, and I wish it were different. Which is why I try to be as sensitive and empathic as I can be to everyone I come across.

[Pitridge]

I think the other girls have said it all. I knew people that gone through a m/c but I never actually understood what it was like until I had one. I have to admitt that the people that I told about it they were all very sympathetic, my fmaily, they just kept saying that "better now then later" or "it was not meant to be" or "you'll have more children, you just need to keep trying". I don't have anybody in my family that has gone through a m/c, so they really did not know what to say to me and honestly I did not know what to say to them. It took a while for me to realize that I had no more baby in me... and then it was awful. We are here for you.

[Wee3monkeys]

The other ladies have had wonderful thoughts on this already. I am honestly one of those people that still after 4 losses, can't think of anything amazingly comforting to say. Honest to God, I didn't want to talk about my losses, I didn't want hugs, I didn't want to hear or talk about them w/ anyone. So I find it difficult to find something to say because all I want to do is still ignore my own losses due to the continued pain of them. I hope that makes sense. Like Brittanie said, the best thing anyone could have done for me was just to cry with me and keep their mouths shut w/ all the drivel. Which is why I never know what to say, especially online; because I didn't want to hear any of it myself.

[kingdink]

ITA with everyone else. It's a sucky club to be in, but the members are the only ones who really understand how you feel. I thought I undertsood, I mean I had two little boys and when I was pregnant with them I worried something might happen and I thought I would understand how I'd feel if something did, but I didn't. Not until it happened to me. And like Kelly said, it's one of those things nobody really talks about so people become all the more oblivious to the subject.

As for DDCs, I also kind of felt like it was a cold exit, but I was also admittedly horomonal when I left. Part of me figured everyone else was just thinking, "Phew, we've gotta be close to our m/c quota now. Maybe one more out, but then the rest of us should be A-Ok." I am happy now that they didn't have to go through what I did, but at the time I was pretty bitter wishing them all a happy and healthy 9 months while I was sitting there no longer pg and dying inside. I'm very greatful for TTCAL as well as the PAL boards because if I am able to get pregnant again at least I know the women there will truly understand what I'm going through. I'm not sure if I'll be able to do the DDC thing again or not.

[kingdink]

It won't let me edit, but I just thought of something else. When people say things like, "I know it doesn't make you feel any better, but this probably happened because the baby had something wrong with it's chromosomes." etc, etc. If you know it's not going to make me feel any better, why are you telling me? I never got that.

[kristajoyce]

It just sucks. All of it. It sucks to lose a baby. It sucks to have to tell people. People in general suck in their responses which makes it suck more. It even sucks when you get pregnant again because you can't ever get over a m/c and you are worried about it the whole pregnancy instead of blissfully ingnorant like you should be. IT ALL SUCKS!

I'm not even telling anyone we are pregnant this time until after Christmas when we will be 18 weeks because I am just not ready to deal with people yet. That sucks too. I want to be happy, but I just don't want to hear what people have to say because everyone was horrible after my m/c. I'm not going to let my guard down until I hold this baby in my arms and even then I will still cry because I miss the baby I lost at 17 weeks. That sucks and that's all I want to hear people say. I'm sorry, that really sucks- is the perfect thing for me to hear. How about everyone else?

That's my rant and I'm sticking to it!

Thank you all so much for sharing you stories... yous have made me feel alot better. Its unbelievable the things people say..

I will reply to this post later.. have to organise the kids.

[kingdink]

So when can we edit again? If I have to see that I spelled grateful as greatful one more time, I might crawl in a hole.

[Brittanie]

That sucks and that's all I want to hear people say. I'm sorry, that really sucks- is the perfect thing for me to hear. How about everyone else?[/b]

I totally agree. You don't want people to act like "it's okay." It sucks and that's all there is to it. No, it's NOT "better" because it wasn't later (I got that too, and my loss was at 38 weeks. "at least it didn't happen when she was 2. or 5." At least then I would have had memories of her. But it still sucks no matter when it happens). It's NOT "for the best." It's a horrible thing, it hurts a lot, and something trying to "make it better" actually hurts worse.

Admit that it sucks, so that we don't feel horrible for not thinking it's okay.

[..Jessica..]

I agree with all of the ladies. It does suck.

Yeah its does suck.. no matter what happens or the situation it still sucks.

I wish we could still edit.. are we getting it back. ive messed up my spelling enough.. oh well.

[KDD]

The worst comment that I had when I left my DDC was "I hope you'll still come by here". I know it wasn't meant to be hurtful, but believe me the LAST place I wanted to be after my loss was the DDC! As for outsiders (to JM) my one co-worker told me that I should ask my Dr. about getting anti-depressants! Puh-lease! How about you let me grieve for my baby?!

I'm so glad I found a home here with you ladies.