[..Jessica..]

Words can't even express the way I feel right now. Lori, I am so sorry. That's all I can say..I know nothing else will do anything. Please, PLEASE know that we are all here for you, we love you and we are all praying for Cameron and your family.

These are the entries that are most recent.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2008 11:34 AM, EDT
Today, I signed a DNR. For my baby.


MONDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2008 11:42 AM, CDT
for all of your thoughts & prayers. We are going home today. They are tying up some loose ends with regards to his platelet/hgb needs and pain management.
We are heartbroken beyond words. It is all I can do to breathe. Cameron knows that the leukemia did not respond to the latest chemo. He knows that we are going home and nurses will be coming to our house. He also knows that he will be taking some more chemo at home. As for what he needs, I prefer no cards of sorrow, only jokes and feel good type things. He has every toy/game imaginable.

For those who have asked what they can do to help - the things we need, apart from prayers, aren't easy to send across the miles. Food. House cleaning. laundry. I've hated to ask for help from our family, friends or church, but my stength and energy are running pretty low. I cannot manage this. My dad may stay with us some to help out with Samantha. It has only been 3 weeks since mom died.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2008 09:37 AM, EDT
Cameron and Eric did not arrive home until nearly 10 PM last night. It was such a long day for Cam. Apparently the hold-up was related to a prescription insurance payment problem.

It is very quiet here this morning. My dad left before we woke to take my car in for repair. I got Samantha off to school - she was begging to go and it is probably best for her & Cameron to have a quieter day today. Ian is coming back as soon as his school is out.

Still feels very surreal. We appreciate all of the thoughts, prayers and offers for help. So many of you have asked for our address, so I have posted it here.

Thank you.

Lori

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2008 11:59 AM, EDT
Cameron has been sleeping almost since we got home Monday night. He doesn't appear to be uncomfortable as he is not asking for pain medications. He is receiving IV nutrition. He is drinking very little. He has to go tomorrow for a cbc & likely will receive platelets and packed red cells. Thanks to the hard work of our friends, we may have figured out a way to have this done locally starting next week, as opposed to a 90 minute drive each way to Columbus.

We have always known, but it has become increasingly apparent what wonderul friends & famiy we have. It was the absolute right decision to stay "home" instead of moving away for what might have looked like greener pasture. The on-slaught of support, food, cleaning has been fast & furious. There is no way we could ever re-pay the kindness.

My dad has been staying with us. It has been such a help with Samantha. She is confused. She cannot verbalize her own saddness and frustrations, so she is coming across as needy, clingy and whiny. I'm trying my best to be patient, but I find myself being short with her. More guilt.

Will update again soon. Will include more things I want you to know about my beautiful boy.

Lori

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2008 10:17 PM, EDT
Back in the hospital.

Cam was running a temp in the 104 range and we couldn't get good response from the tylenol. There has been some problem with Hospice set-up, so we had no one to call other than the hospital, who of course said bring him in. He wasn't too upset about it. Not like we were.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2008 12:09 PM, EDT
Cam is resting peacefully. He has been awake more this morning than he had been in the 2 days at home. I think the methadone was too powerful for him. He said he would rather stay in the hospital for IV medications than have to take them orally at home. We met with the team this morning. They are making arrangements for him to have the fentenyl pca pump at home. All preventive medications have been discontinued. He will have to take the chemo orally, either here or home. His tpn/lipids have been switched to 12 hours as opposed to 24 so he will be freer to move about. His biggest complaint is leg pain. We're hopeful to be able to have cbc's & necessary blood products done locally as well. He will have fevers, at times they will be high. This is likely due to disease as opposed to infection so there is not much to be done except regular doses of tylenol. We're hopeful that all of this can be arranged so we can leave tomorrow. I'm sure there is more, but I can't think right now.

*************

More things to know about Cam:

He has always been a fighter. He was born a little more than 4 weeks early (still weighing in at 7.5 lbs). His lungs were not fully developed, so he spent his first 15 days in the NICU. He was such a good baby. He loved to snuggle and be held. When he was old enough to reach out, he developed the habit of caressing our ear lobes as we fed or rocked him. As he got older, he still held on to our ears as he fell asleep.

He says that his best friend in the world is his cousin Ian. He loves all of his cousins, but they have such a special bond. Ian is 13, almost 4 years to the day older than Cam. From the time Cam was an infant, he has lit up when Ian entered the room. Ian has been so good to Cameron, more protective, tolerant and kinder than he is to his own siblings. He would rather spend time with Ian than anyone else in the world. At times, I felt this made Cam mature a little early. He never really played with toys, always prefering electronics and gadgets, particularly those that Ian had or liked. The time Ian has spent with us here at the hospital and when we've been home has been so wonderful for Cam. I worry how Ian and the other cousins are coping with this.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2008 10:19 AM, EDT
The plan is still in place for us to go home today. We will pretty much be doing this on our own. We've been told that hospice will only become involved if we would agree to stop the fluids/nutrition and we are just not willing to starve or dehydrate him. I thought their mission was comfort not torture.

We will be able to have labs done locally. They are to teach Eric & me how to draw a cbc today and run a practice one here. We will take the sample to the local lab on MWF and if (when) he needs platelets or blood, we will take him to O'Bleness. There is no way to deliver the products in the home.

Cameron only complains of leg pain. He is very weak. He can only stand/walk with support. He is requiring a fair amount of pain medications.

I cannot believe this is happening.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2008 04:56 PM, EDT
Cameron is resting comfortably. He has been awake for short periods, watched some tv, but mostly sleeping. He had a fever this morning, but that seems to be much better this afternoon.

We so apreciate the out-pouring of love and support from everyone. It is very nice to not have to worry about what Samantha is going to eat - she is the only one with a real appetite. I have to admit it does make me feel a little inadequate. I am their mother. I should be able to feed them and clean my own house. But, I can't get organized. More guilt.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2008 10:23 AM, EDT
What a long night.... Cameron had a bloody nose. He and swallowed blood which led to upset stomach an vomitting. I wanted to take him to the hospital (I'm easily freaked out by blood) but he adamently refused I'm trying to respect hs wishes. He looks and feels miserable. I have sponge-bathed him as best as I can in his bed, but what he really needs is a good soak. His pain is readonably controlled.


We are so tired. Please, no visitors today.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2008 04:01 PM, EDT
Cameron had another nosebleed late this am and more vomitting of blood. So much that he ruined a pillow and got his brovic dressing wet/bloody. Eric took him to Columbus today for blood and platelets while I took Ian to pick up some supplies and to pre-register Cam with our local hospital. That should cut down on our time spent for future transfusions. I am trying to launder all of his linens and have his bed ready when he gets home which will hopefully not be too late.


MONDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2008 10:52 AM, EDT
Cameron finally made it home around 10 pm. Exhausted, but tanked up with 2 units each of blood and platelets. He felt better this morning and wanted to leave his bed and came to the living room, which is not an easy task in our house. He insisted on climbing the stairs on his own - such a little trooper. We were originally to do cbc's locally MWF but we did not today because he just receieved products yesterday afternoon. We're hoping he can hold out until Wednesday, but likely will draw labs tomorrow. Still waiting to hear from the home health agency which promised to call "first thing" Monday morning. Maybe my definition of "first thing" is different than theirs.....

MONDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2008 12:25 PM, EDT
It seems that there have been several misundertandings and miscommunication from multiple layers regarding Cameron's home health. I've been on the phone essentially since the last post and maybe we have some things worked out. Still waiting on a confirmation call but I am feeling hopeful. I have aked EVERYONE that I've talked to about home transfusions of platelets and blood. All said they'd check. I'm less hopeful about that actually happening.

Thanks to everyone for all of the cards and notes for Cameron. He looked at a whole stack this morning.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2008 10:43 AM, EDT
After a long evening, Cameron had a restful night. The home health nurse came yesterday to increase the rate of his pain pump (per dr's order) but it took over 5 hours (almost mid-night) and multiple calls to implement the order. Another example of poor communication. Though he is not eating but an occasional few bites, he is drinking well. The iv nutrition should be helping fill in those gaps.

Tomorrow is the first day of local labs. The nurse is to be here at 7am to draw the cbc. Will let you know if that works out according to plan.

Otherwise, we are hanging on. Cam sleeps most of the time. He is upstairs (out of his room) again today. Samantha is loving school - today was pajama day. Her birthday is in 2 weeks. She is so excited to be turning 5.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2008 03:43 PM, EDT
My sweet boy just said "mommy you look pretty in bright pink." I love him so much.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2008 12:05 AM, EDT
Another freaking bloody nose. And a broken PCA (pain) pump that apparently cannot be replaced until who knows when. And no platelets to be found in Athens so Eric & Cam left for Children's around 10 PM. I am home with Samantha pacing the floor sick with worry. We have had so much trouble with home health and the supply company. I have been on the phone trying to reach someone, anyone to help but getting essentially no one. I don't have the strength for anger. I'm just so heartsick. It is looking more and more like we are not going to be able to do this at home. There are just no services.

6AM update:

Cameron and Eric are on their way home. We still hope to have labs done this morning and hopefully more platelets at O'Bleness today.

For those who have asked, Samantha's birthday is November 15th.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2008 03:00 PM, EDT
Cameron was barely home an hour when his nose started dripping blood again. He got scared and told us that he wanted to come back to the hospital. We made some calls and made arrangements to be admitted to the hospice room on J5 of Children's Hospital.

Cameron has deteriorated rapidly over the past 24 hours. My steak eater can no longer sip from a straw. My football player cannot stand on his own. My star student's speech is garbled and difficult to understand. His breathing is quite labored. His left side is very weak. He is confused.

Since getting back in the hospital, he has been started on a nasal canula to help with breathing. His pain pump was increased and he appears to be resting comfortably. Our time is quickly running short.

All morning, I kept thinking, this is the last time I'll lay in bed in our home with my sweet boy. The last time he'll be in our house. This is the last trip I'll make with him to Columbus, to anywhere.

We ask for continued prayers for peace, comfort and strength.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2008 10:52 AM, EDT
Cameron is feeling much more comfortable today. He has ben more alert and responsive. He let me feed him vanilla ice cream for breakfast. He asked for strawberry yogurt, but doesn't like the fruit on the bottom type. I happened to run into our friend Andrea in the hall and she graciously agreed to go to the grocery store to get him some Yoplait whips. We have lots of family here - all 3 grandparents are staying at the Ronald McDonald House. One of my brothers & his family is staying at a local hotel which is nice so Cam can see Ian & company everyday. My other brother is coming up from Logan. We were able to get some rest last night. It was nice not having to be nurse for a change. I also got a shower this morning and put on a clean pair of pj's. I see no reason to get dressed - so if you come, this is what you will see.

Will update later with more details - people are starting to arrive.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2008 04:53 PM, EDT
Our good morning has been followed by another decline this afternoon. I fear that our hours are few. He has not responded to me verbally in several hours. His color is changing, particularly in his arms and legs. His breathing sounds wet and is increasingly labored. His team is making frequent adjustments to his medications and breathing treatments to help him be comfortable. Child life helped to make an impression of his left hand for me today. We also made inkless prints of his hand & Samantha's on one page. I do not have my camera here and in many ways I am glad. His rash never recovered. I may try to take some pictures of his hands/feet with my phone.

Samantha is struggling, very needy and whiny. She said to me "Bubby gets to be with Ermal. They are going to run and grow hair and wait for me."

ETA - WHY WHY WHY WHY THIS LITTLE BOY?!?!?!?

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 06, 2008 09:12 PM, EST
One week. It has been one week since my sweet Cameron left us for Heaven. I pray that he has peace and comfort, no more pain. I miss him terribly. I can't imagine that I will ever feel any different.


After the funeral was over and I was saying my final goodbye, I leaned over Cameron to whisper in his ear. When I stood back, I saw a single tear running straight down his left cheek. It had fallen from my eye to his.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 07, 2008 01:13 PM, EST
Tributes

I have been asked by many how to make contirbutions to either BMT research or the Youth Football Association. For either you can send directly to me & I will forward on, be sure to specify your choice. Otherwise, I will split it equally.

For direct to BMT research you can follow this link:

https://giving.nationwidechildrens.org/NETC...9&srcid=309

or mail to Nationwide Children's Hospital, 700 Children's Drive, Columbus, Ohio 43272 attn BMT Research Fund.

For direct to football, please email me & I will send you the address of the football association treasurer.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 08, 2008 10:08 PM, EST
Thanks to Ellie for finding & sending this poem. I have seen it before, but had forgotten about it. It rings so true for my precious boy:

God saw you getting tired

A cure was not to be,

So he put his arms around you

And whispered, "Come with me."

With tearful eyes we watched you

and saw you fade away,

Although we loved you dearly

We could not make you stay.

A golden heart stopped beating

Your tender hands at rest,

God took you home to prove to us

He only takes the best.

We are so tired. It takes so much effort to get through a day. We each tried to get out some today. It was very hard. We ran into some friends and acquaintances. Some talked easily. Others were clearly uncomfortable. I just wanted to come home where I could hide out in my pajamas and not answer the phone. Tomorrow, I plan to go to the cemetary again. I miss him so much.

***********

Samantha is coping as best she can. She talks about Cam all the time. She asks a lot of questions. Last night, she was angry at God. She yelled toward the sky "I just want you to give my bubby back!" She still refuses to pray, but will talk to Cam & grandma. Her birthday is next Saturday (the 15th). I am planning a surprise party for her at a near-by kids play place. We used Cam's debit card and bought the toy that he saw on tv the morning that he died. He told me that is what he wanted to get for her, so she will get it & it will be from him. He also told me what he wanted to get her for Christmas, so we'll be doing that as well.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 09, 2008 06:04 PM, EST
Cameron was the sweetest boy. So thoughtful and kind. He loved babies and animals. He was a great athlete and excelled at all sports he tried - tae kwon do, baseball, basketball and of course, his personal favorite, football. He loved music and chose songs that both his dad & I like too for his iPod. He loved gadgets and one of his prized possessions was his Blackberry. We chose to let him keep it with him. I still call/text him occasionally to let him know various things that are happening.

Cameron was truly a warrior. He never complained or asked why. The only fight he ever gave us was with his dressing changes because they hurt him so badly. As I have said before, if given the chance or the choice, he would not have traded places with anyone in life. He would never have wanted anyone else to have to endure what he endured. We made the choice to not fully disclose to him just how sick he was because knowing Cameron, it would have made him very anxious and worried and unable to enjoy any time he had left. I hope he understands our choice and that he knows it was our best effort to protect him until the end. I don't know how we ever really move on, but we are trying to put our lives back together in small ways. The kids (Samantha & the cousins) are struggling and we are trying to be strong for them.

We appreciate all of the love and support we have received from family and friends. We would never have made it this far without all of you. Please continue to be patient with us as we travel down this road.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2008 03:23 PM, EST
SHAME ON YOU! Shame on the thief who entered a gate, broke a lock off a shed door and stole Cameron's motorcycle. What kind of person would do that? On the 3 week anniversary of his passing. Take his beloved bike and leave his 2 cousins bikes there? Return that bike. Drop it at our house or back at the shed where you took it. That bike has tremendous sentimental value. I hope our friends at the sheriff's office find it & soon.


SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 2008 01:22 AM, EST

Ask My Mom How She Is


My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mom how she is,
She'll say"I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night ?
Ask my Mom how she is
She seems to cope so well,
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken
She'll love me all her life
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.

I am here in Heaven
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen
Hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say,
"You're lucky to get in here, Mom,
With all the lies you told!"

Auther Unknown
***************

There is no news on the motorcycle front. I'm trying to maintain some hope that it canbe recovered. There are a few suspects, but so far nothing concrete.
I wish I could sleep. I've tried all the tricks I have in my bag and nothing seems to work. When sleep does come, it is usually interrupted by bad dreams most of which are filled with panic over trying to get platelets. So, I watch a lot of late night TV and internet surfing. I'm so scattered I'm not really looking for anything, just roaming, like I do in my house. I read that one day this may get easier.


MONDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2008 02:49 PM, EST
The new picture is Cameron's 5th birthday & the first time he was "on" his motorcycle. Later he added "2" stickers to the front & sides. Sorry for the poor quality. Still no real leads. We're trying many different angles. Please let us know if you have any tips.
Also added under "photos" is a baseball picture taken his first year. I'm not sure what surprised me most - that he caught a fly ball or that I caught it on film!


TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 2008 03:28 PM, EST
Cameron's death certificate arrived today.


WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 2008 11:37 AM, CST
Samantha's birthday pictures arrived in the mail today.
This one is my favorite even though she is a little serious in it.
http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb44/el...45/Samibday.jpg
And a close-up:
http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/b...e12345/Sam.jpg

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 2008 05:34 AM, EST
It is Thanksgiving. Not feeling very Thankful this year. Today is the first major holiday since Cameron died just 4 weeks ago and my mom who died less than 2 months ago. I guess I need to make a list (this may be updated throughout the day).

1. I am grateful to have ever had Cameron. He was beautiful and kind and had amazing strength. He taught me patience, courage and unconditional love. Even knowing the outcome, the pain and the grief, if I would have been given a choice, I would have chosen him.

2. I am grateful for the 5 years, 7 months and 5 days that we had from his original diagnosis to the time of his death. It gave us an opportunity to enrich his life, to give him experiences that we may have otherwise put off. It was during that time that he made 3 beach trips, earned a red.black belt in taekwon do, played 3 seasons of baseball, 2 of football and 1 of basketball.

3. I am grateful that I always take too many pictures. Now, they are what I have left, thousands of them documenting most days of his life.

4, I am grateful for Samantha. Years of fertility concerns led me to expect that Cameron would be an only chld. Then just days before initial diagnosis we found out we were expecting again. I had no faith in a positive outcome, but here she is. The light of our lives. Certainly the only reason I get of bed in the morning.

5. I am grateful for the outpouring of support from family and friends. If not for them dropping off food and supplies, I'm not sure what we would have done. I haven't cooked in months. What a blessing to not have to worry about what Samantha was going to eat.

6. I am grateful for my CB friends, many of you I will never get the opportunity to meet in real life. Despite the distance, you have become so important to me. Unfortunately, many of you have been in my shoes and can offer concrete advice. Others continue in the fight for their childrens' health yet still have time to offer support to others. You are all much appreciated.

So, for our "celebration" we are going to see a movie & then eat some Chinese food. Nothing traditional this year. Maybe never again.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 2008 09:26 PM, EST
Slight wrench in our plans today - all of our local Chinese restaurants were closed, as were the Mexican ones. We ended up at Ruby Tuesday's. Fortunately Athens is a small town so it only took us a few minutes to figure out what was open and what was closed. After lunch, Samantha & I went to see Madagascar 2. She loved it. We were the only 2 in the theater so she was free to sing & dance in the aisles.

**************

It was one year ago today that we were told that Cameron had relapsed. The transplant from Samantha did not work despite being a 5/6 match and receiving both bone marrow and her cord blood cells we had saved when she was born. He was only out of the hospital about 2 months total from that point on. Chemo, another transplant, mono, relapse, more chemo. What a long & exhausting year.

*************

Tomorrow, I am going to brave the black Friday crowds and do some shopping. I need to NOT buy another thing for Samantha. She has way to much already, I'm even putting some of it back for Easter. I've always done my Christmas shopping with my mom. She always bought too much too. Nobody loved Christmas & the spirit of giving more than her. There were many years when the presents were stacked higher than the tree and her. I am simultaneously dreading the day and wishing it would get here (& over with) fast. I'm told that the 1st of everything is the hardest, so I just want to try to get through them.

Thanks for continuing to read. Not sure how long I will or should keep this journal open. If/when I close it, I will likely open one on blogspot. Will let you know.

Lori

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 2008 08:26 PM, EST
It has been one month today. I still find it hard to believe that he is gone, it is like I still expect to see him walk through the door. Grief comes in waves. Some moments I do ok, the next I feel swallowed up. From what I've read, that will never really change. Everyone says that it gets easier with time, but as I read books from parents who lost children 20 or more years ago, they still feel consumed by their loss.

*****

Samantha is very excited for Christmas. We've made her list for Santa which includes everything that she has seen on tv. We'll probably get our tree put up next week.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 02, 2008 10:18 AM, EST
Another day. Not necessarily better or worse than yesterday, just different. Deeply missing Cameron & my mom. This holiday season is just going to stink. I've already accepted that as fact. Samantha is the only bright light, so we put on a brave face for her and are trying to allow her to enjoy all of the holiday traditions. We decorated her pink Barbie tree in her room last night. Thinking of getting the family tree up in the living room in the next few days.

I've decided to stop reading books on grief & recovery. They're just not helpful to me. Maybe someday they will be, but right now, they feel overwhelming. The main theme seems to be that parents never recover. I need to have some hope that things will get better. I recognize that this will take some time - maybe even a year or two before any noticable change, but at some point I won't feel like I do now. Maybe my expectations are too high and they are completely right.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 02, 2008 11:11 PM, EST
So today ended up being ok. What I didn't mention earlier was that today is my birthday. I was so dreading it not because of age (36, but could seriously care less about that) but because of not having Cameron & my mom. My last 2 birthdays were spent at Children's Hospital awaiting transplant, so it has been awhile since I've enjoyed a birthday. I kept pretty busy today. I finished my Christmas shopping. Samantha had her first ice skating lesson of the season which she really enjoyed. The skates Cameron got her last year for her birthday still fit nicely. Then we had dinner with my dad at a Mexican restaurant. Came home & drank a nice glass of wine courtesy of my brother. Tomorrow, I will spend some time trying to figure out the new digital camera Eric got for me. Then we're going to put up our Christmas tree. We're going to use our white one (articial of course) this year instead of chopping down a live tree.

Thanks for all of your thoughts & prayers. I certainly appreciate them all.

Lori

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 05, 2008 09:33 AM, EST
We seem to be settling into a new routine, a new normal. Not to say that waves of gried don't overtake us at times, but we're starting to stand back up. It is going to be a long time before we feel good again, but I think we're getting on the right track. One of the most important things that has helped us get this far is the love & support from our family & friends. We could never do this alone.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 08, 2008 06:07 PM, EST
I went back to work today. I found that there is a fine line between returning too soon and waiting too long. I was starting to feel increasingly anxious at home and felt the need to get back to a more structured routine. I went in a little early to avoid the 8AM rush and spent most of the day trying to remember my passwords, reading the thousands of email, and learning to use the new phone system. I did not venture far from my office. I'm sure there are people who had no idea I was there. Another step forward.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2008 06:21 PM, EST
Another week has passed. I can't believe it has been 6 weeks already.

We put up our Christmas tree tonight. I bought all new ornaments so I wouldn't have to search for our old ones and I can't imagine looking at a tree with all of our sentimental pieces, most of which were either made by Cameron or had pictures of him on them. Samantha had a great time. She is so excited for Christmas.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 13, 2008 04:22 PM, EST
The first week of work went ok. I did not venture far from my office, though many people did stop by.

*******

I've had a few questions about religion/church lately, so I guess this is a good time to answer. Though our church attendance has been sparse since Cameron's relapse in 2006, we've always been church members with fairly regular attendance. Both of my children were baptized into our local Methodist Church. Our pastor left last year and I have only met the new one in passing. We chose a dear family friend to do his services (the same who did my mom's the month before). Since Cameron's passing, I have only been to church one time (last week). My dad, Samantha & I went to the church where our friend is the pastor. I'm thinking my dad is a church hopper because he goes every week, but attends 3 different ones for various reasons. I doubt if I go back to where my kids were baptized, will likely land in the church with our friends, but not planning on regular attendance until after the holidays. The celebrations are hard to take.

I realize that church & religion are 2 different issues. My faith has been deeply shaken, but at the same time I have a strong urge/need to believe. It is difficult to put into words. I can't imagine that I will ever understand how Cameron's illness could be part of a greater plan or that it was best for any of us.

Cameron was very spiritual and had the unwavering belief of a child. He became distraught about the way Jesus was treated and we spent a lot of time talking about that. I did not take him to church at or around the time of Easter services because it was far too upsetting for him to hear about the crucification despite knowing there was a resurrection. Even as a very small child, he simply could not stand injustice or maltreatment of others.

I hope this answers your questions.

Lori

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2008 09:13 PM, EST
Over the last week, we have again been shown the incredible compassion and generosity of this community. There is a lot to be said for small town America and continuing to live in or near the town where you were raised. There have been 2 fundraisers - one last Saturday (a soup dinner and auction) and tonight a performance of the Coolville Community Choir. Through these generous donations we will be able to make complete payment to the funeral home and to purchase the headstone we had hoped for - one large enough for all 3 of our names inscribed. (Sorry Samantha - we're counting on you having a long healthy life & marriage & not want to be next to me for eternity.) Also, tonight we were presented with a live pine tree. We just need to figure out where to plant it. It is a beautiful tree with a perfect shape. We're not sure if we will plant it here at our home for the past 12 years, or down on the 20 or so acres we own a few miles away where we intend to build a home in the future. The cemetary may also be an option. Thanks again to everyone for all of their hard work.

Lori

***********

Edited to add some pictures I found today from Cameron's first episode of illness in 2003.

http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb44/el...5/Imag00212.jpg

http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb44/el.../Camashullk.jpg

in defense of myself, I was pregnant for Samantha during this time.

http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb44/el...amMommy2003.jpg

http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb44/el...amMommy0503.jpg

MONDAY, DECEMBER 15, 2008 08:31 PM, EST
This morning, I left for work around 7:30am. It was overcast, but no rain yet. When I got just a few miles from my house I saw a beautiful rainbow. I have never seen one so early in the morning, with no rain and no sun. I haven't seen one since the day of his calling hours. I hope it was a sign from Cameron that all is well.

More old pics:

Cameron when Samantha was 8 days old:

http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb44/el...mSami112303.jpg

Cameron in spring 2003 on his battery powered 4-wheeler at the park across from our house. He was neutropenic, so he had to wear the mask outside. He was having so much fun, he didn't mind.

http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb44/el...mon4wheeler.jpg

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 18, 2008 09:39 PM, EST
Not a good day. Though in truth it has been a long time since I had a good day. It is just that some are bad, and others are worse. I do my best to put on a brave face. I usually do ok at work or while shopping. not so much today. I try to save my breakdowns for the car or shower. I already feel like a leper in public places. There are those that obviously try to avoid us which is frankly fine. If they are not able to cope with this/us, then I'd rather not engage right there/then.

To end on a more positive note, I had my first dream that included Cameron this week that was not a nightmare. I dreamed that we were in our local cell phone provider store. I was at the desk with the worker and Cameron was looking at the phones on display. I don't remember any sound/speaking. Nothing spectacular happened, we were just there, then we left. I hope to have more & more of these though I would prefer more detail.

[Eleysia]

I just read that update from his journal a little bit ago, I sat and cried in my office. Its just not fair at all.

[Eleysia]

I just read that update from his journal a little bit ago, I sat and cried in my office. Its just not fair at all.

[Eleysia]

I just read that update from his journal a little bit ago, I sat and cried in my office. Its just not fair at all.

[mom 2 haley & tyler]

I am so sad for her. I can't express how I feel. I can only cry! I can't imagine her pain. Lori, we love you!

[HippyMomOf4]

I'm so sorry Lori! I'm still praying for you all everyday!

[mary30]

Oh my gosh ...I am so sorry. this is not fair., How horrible. You and your family are in my thoughts are prayers

[Jessica!]

I am so sorry, Lori.

I don't even know what to say.

[mom2njia]

I am so so very sorry and heart broken for you. May whatever time Cameron has with you (please Lord let it be long) be full of love, joy, and happiness!

[Christine-MA]

I don't know what to say either except you're in my prayers!

[MountainMomma]

I wish I was closer so that I could go and help out with cleaning and cooking and such. Since I am not able, I will offer all that I have, and that is my prayers.

I am so sorry, Lori. Your family has been through more than anyone should have to be. Your family will continue to be in my prayers. If I lived nearby I would cook and clean and do everything, its breaking my heart.

[Pitridge]

Lori, I'm so sorry....I don't know what to say....my heart is broken for you and your family.

[KDD]

I don't know what to say.

[proudmommato4]

I don't know what to say, only that you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers!

[madmum_sarah]

oh lori
he is a really gorgeous boy and one im sure you are so proud of and that will never change.
take care of yourself sweetheart and i will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers
xx

[going4it]

Big thoughts and HUGE prayers going up for Cameron! I am so so sorry.

[mary30]

I am so glad that he seems not to be in any pain. Still thinking of you and your family

[..Jessica..]

They need our prayers much more ladies.

[Pitridge]

I keep reading you updates hoping that one of them will say something about amiracle and how well he is recovering. It breaks my heart in more ways than I can explain. I'll be praying for them, all of them.
Thanks Jess for the update