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How does an RE like his eggs?
Over 20mm!
Why did the RE cross the road?
Because there was an affluent, infertile woman in her 30s on the other side.
One ovary says to the other ovarie, "Hey, did you order any furniture?"
The other ovarie says, "No, why?"
"There are a couple of nuts outside trying to shove an organ in."
Why does it take 50 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't ask for directions either!
Two sperm were swimming through a woman's body.
The first said, "Whew. I'm getting tired. Just how far is it to the uterus?"
"The uterus?" the second laughed. "We're not even past the esophagus yet!"
How can you tell if a man has a high sperm count?
You have to chew before you swallow!
How do you know that God isn't a woman?
Because if God was a woman then sperm would taste like chocolate!
You know you are trying to get pregnant when:
You look at your vegetarian sandwich and the alfalfa sprouts look like sperm . . .
or . . . Someone asks you today's date and you reply "Day 21" . . .
Why do gypsies have trouble getting pregnant?
They have crystal balls.
Why do male basketball players have trouble getting their spouses pregnant?
All they do is dribble.
How many infertility patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Screw in a lightbulb! Hmmm . . . do you think it might help? . . .
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two but I dont know how they would get in there.
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Getting the Mechanics
There was an RE who decided he no longer wanted to practice. Instead he wanted to restore old cars. To prepare himself for this career change, he signed up for a mechanics course in engine repair. He studied really hard, and the day arrived for the final exam. The task was to find out what was wrong with the engine and repair it. The RE took a little longer than the rest of the class, but he got the job done. A couple of days later he went to see how he did. Up on the wall, beside his name he saw a mark of 150%. He was really puzzled so he went to the instructor. "How can this be?" he asked. The instructor replied, "Well, I gave you 50 points for figuring out the problem, and 50 points more for solving the problem. BUT I had to give you an extra 50 points for doing all the work through the exhaust pipe!"
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BBT Lessons
Wake up at 5 a.m. and swing your arm at your bedside table until you find your basal thermometer. Stick the right end of it in your mouth, in the exact same position everyday, and try to stay awake for five minutes. As you begin to wake up, realize how badly you need to urinate and try to resist the urge without squirming too much. Mentally tell yourself, "Just relax, it'll work out" -- chances are you'll hear that a few times today. Try to read the thermometer in the dark while your spouse continues to sleep. When that fails, take it into the bathroom with you. Sit on the toilet and position yourself to either pee in a cup or on a stick. If you're really good, try to squirt a little out first. Give yourself extra points if you manage to do this routine without overfilling your cup or splashing a test window. While you wait, check your genitals for mucus. If you're lucky enough to find some, play with it! Look at it, feel it, stretch it. When you're done, pick up your scientific-looking form and chart your findings. Compute the data, and mutter to yourself, "You're probably just not trying hard enough" -- it won't be the last time you hear that today. If the calculations add up, go back into your bedroom and convince, cajole, and beg your spouse to have intercourse -- and all the while remember not "to let the spontaneity go out of your sex life." After you're done, prop your buttocks up so it's higher than the rest of your body and lay there for a half hour. Figure out exactly how you're going to stay in that position for so long and still have time to shower, dress and have breakfast before you have to leave the house at 6:15. Say aloud, "If you can't even manage to do this, how will you ever manage parenthood?" -- another comment you'll get at some point during the day. When you finally make it out the door, remind yourself that, "This is the easy part" -- you'll hear that later as well. Give yourself a pat on the back for not only completing 5 a.m. chemistry class, but for also getting yourself ready for pop quizzes in interpersonal communication!
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80-year-old Sperm Sample
An 80-year-old couple went to the doctor to find out if it was too late for them to have kids. The doctor told them that it would be best if the husband gave a sperm sample, as he could then check his count and see if it was possible for him to father a child.
He gave them a jar and sent them into a side room to get a sample. After much groaning and grunting and even a little screaming the couple came and gave the jar back to the doctor. On checking the doctor found it to be empty and asked the couple to explain.
Well, said the old man, I tried with my left hand, then I tried with my right hand, then with both hands. Then my wife tried with her right hand, then with her left hand, then with both hands. Then my wife tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, but no matter how we tried we couldnt get the lid off the jar.
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The 12 Days of Christmas (for the infertile)
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me
a sperm sample to spin and clean
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me
2 post-IUI foot rubs
and a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me
3 pink pills
2 post-IUI foot rubs
and a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
4 new thermometers
3 pink pills
2 post-IUI foot rubs
and a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
5 mood swings
4 new thermometers
3 pink pills
2 post-IUI foot rubs
and a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
6 positive stories
5 mood swings
4 new thermometers
3 pink pills
2 post-IUI foot rubs
and a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me
7 lectures about timing
6 positive stories
5 mood swings
4 new thermometers
3 pink pills
2 post-IUI foot rubs
and a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
8 reasons for not quitting
7 lectures about timing
6 positive stories
5 mood swings
4 new thermometers
3 pink pills
2 post-IUI foot rubs
and a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
9 new immune tests
8 reasons for not quitting
7 lectures about timing
6 positive stories
5 mood swings
4 new thermometers
3 pink pills
2 post-IUI foot rubs
and a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
10 excuses for dreaming
9 new immune tests
8 reasons for not quitting
7 lectures about timing
6 positive stories
5 mood swings
4 new thermometers
3 pink pills
2 post-IUI foot rubs
and a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me
11 mild cramps
10 excuses for dreaming
9 new immune tests
8 reasons for not quitting
7 lectures about timing
6 positive stories
5 mood swings
4 new thermometers
3 pink pills
2 post-IUI foot rubs
and a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
12 HPTs
11 mild cramps
10 excuses for dreaming
9 new immune tests
8 reasons for not quitting
7 lectures about timing
6 positive stories
5 mood swings
4 new thermometers
3 pink pills
2 post-IUI foot rubs
and a sperm sample that was spun and cleaned
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Labor pains
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. The husband was a little worried about this, but wanted to help out so he agreed.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, telling the husband that even 10 percent was probably more pain than he had experienced ever before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine. The doctor looked a little bewildered and adjusted the machine to give the father 20 percent of the pain. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and heart rate and all seemed perfect. They decided to transfer 50 percent of the pain to the father.
The husband continued doing well and started making wisecracks about how women complain so much about labor and it really wasn't a big deal. In fact, he was willing to take all the pain! The doctor turned the switch to 100 percent. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and she and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on their doorstep!
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The Gift of Life
A nun and a priest were travelling across the desert when their camel keeled over dead. They prayed a lot, but after several days they gave up hope of being rescued. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've been curious about -- what a woman looks like naked. Would you take off your clothes?" The nun thought about it for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?" With a little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that thing hanging between your legs?" The priest patiently answered, "That, Sister, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life." "Well, for Lord's sake, Father, stick it in the ###### camel and let's get out of here!"
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