[Mellza]

I posted this on Logan's blog today:


Logan's story... a summary
I’ve decided to write a condensed story on Logan’s life. I had never really thought about it, but I guess I’ve never written something condensed in a readable understanding. (please forgive my typos I am usually rather anal about my spelling, however I am pressed for time)

My pregnancy was normal, with a clean bill of health for me and Logan, I went into my 38.5 week and my water broke. I tried to start labor at home without any luck. After realizing I had a temperature we went to L&D.
I was hooked up to anti-biotics and bound the bed for monitoring. Logan’s heart rate was fluctuating with contractions; however, the dips were not large enough to pose a concern.
We tried pitocin, however, that certainly proved to cause major heart rate dips, that was stopped and my c-section was planned for the following morning.
Once Logan was delivered, he came out screaming bloody hell. His apgars were 6 and 9, everything seemed wonderful. Since we choose not to find out the sex, it was a wonderful surprise to hear that our first baby was a boy! Once Logan was cleaned, they handed him off to Evan while they finished the surgery. Logan started to gasp for air, and they quickly went off to the nursery. I’ll never forget those words Evan said to me, “He’s having trouble breathing babe.” While I was in the holding area waiting for my room. My heart sunk, and I knew in my heart it was bad!
At first they had no idea what was going on, but he was intubated. The next five days, while I was in the hospital I was not allowed to hold Logan. They diagnosed him with PPHN, which is sort of like an infection that they thought was caused by my prolonged ruptured membranes. Once off the ventilator, Logan was hypotonic (low muscle tone) and hyponatrimic (low sodium) . We spent a month in the NICU at Washington Reginol in Fayetteville, AR.
I kept on asking, what is wrong with him? What kind of brain damage does he have? And everyone assured me that he was fine, but again, in my heart I knew that my baby was not “normal” … So once we exhausted all our options locally, Logan was air lifted to Arkansas Children’s Hospital NICU where he stayed for another five months. Once there he had every scan and test done under the sun. Including another 3 more MRI’s of his head, which revealed that he had damage to the white matter of his brain and a missing corpus colosum (which is the communication device that is use for information to be passed from the right side to the left and vise versa) At this point, we had no diagnosis, but had a number of ideas thrown at us. The doctors began to prepare us for the worst, informing us daily that the things they are testing him for are fatal, and it is likely that the outcome will be bad. No one, truthfully at that time had any IDEA what he or she were saying to us, it was just a guess. Logan became septic, spent 10 days ventilated because of it. It was suspected that he was having seizure’s (thought the EEG never proved it, not once) but it was obvious to me that he was having seizures. Even while he was in Fayetteville, I believe he was having seizures and no one listened to me when I suggested it. After a few months we exhausted all the resources at the hospital in Little Rock, and we decided it was time to move on. We put in our transfer request to Dallas Children’s and Cincinnati Children’s hospital, both hospital denied our request because the hospital’s simply had nothing else to add. At which point we started to do all we could, which is prepare a plan to take Logan home and roll with the punches as they came. By this time it was the end of September, Logan had not gained any weight since birth and he was incredibly sickly and frail looking. Eventually an angel of a doctor, Dr. Ross (who is the REAL deal) was persistent enough that he presented the idea of starting Logan as lasiks, to normalize his sodium. (low sodium causes, low muscle tone, seizure’s, a lethargic state, among other things.) so it was thought that if we could get Logan’s sodium to return to normal that perhaps he would start to thrive, and act a little more like a baby. (some baby’s born with brain damage can correct that damage by making new connections, since the brain is so rapidly developing within the first year of life) Logan was sleepy all of the time, his eyes rolled, and he felt like a rag doll while holding him. He had uncontrollable movements and very much resembled someone with severe cerebral palsey. At the time, Logan was said to have mild brain damage, but with a very poor neurological exam. Meaning he looked a LOT worse then his MRI showed. Which left many of us puzzled. We repeated the MRI of brain after being rejected from the other hospitals, to see if any damage had progressed, at that point, it had not. So we were under the impression that his disease was caused from a lack of oxygen, which turned out to be false, or so we suspect. (because of elevated liver enzymes, multiple organs affected, and other unusual findings, it is HIGHLY likely that he had something defective in his DNA, whether or not that was inherited or a mutation is unclear) Once the new drug, Lasiks started to work and his sodium normalized he was able to eat more (80% tube fed, 20% bottle)
So Logan, finally after being 3 or more months old, started to gain weight! Once our regimen at the hospital was more stable, it was time to put Logan under surgery for his permanent feeding tube in his tummy. This, quite truthfully was the beginning of the end. I don’t know if it was the surgery that proved to be too much or it is just all in my head… But the next 3 weeks were hell! Logan made it through the surgery, and did not get an infection. However, removing him from the ventilator post surgery was the biggest ordeal. During that process he was intubated/extubated 4 times.
Logan’s muscle tone was becoming increasingly weak. He could not longer maintain his airway with his head in the middle. He constantly had to have his head to the left or right in order for him to breath. If ANYONE put his head in the middle he would stop breathing and turn blue, every time without exception. His third trip back on the ventilator, without much reasoning why he is not able to breath on his own anymore, led us to decision to repeat the MRI of his brain to see if the damage had progressed. At that point, yes the damage was worse. (could it of been because of the disease, or because he coded twice in between then, and at one point required 6 minutes of CPR? We are not sure and no one can say) … never the less, the doctors didn’t really give it to me straight. I read the report and it read much dire then what the doctors had said. The damage was that much worse, he had atrophy, which meant the brain was not growing, and he had extra fluid spaces between his brain and his skull, which wasn’t bad enough to require a shunt. The white damage was slightly reduced.
I tried not to be completely heart broken, but yes, I was heart broken and alone. Had I mentioned yet, my husband was working three hours away while I lived in Little Rock? So I was alone 90% of the time dealing with all of this news and sorting through all this medical jargon. I moved into the hospital, and Logan and I had a private room where I took over all of his nursing care and made a plan to go home. Quite honestly the doctors at that point, were asking me if we wanted hospice or wanted to right do not resuscitate orders… I thought they were crazy, but looking back I now understand that my motherly love and desire to keep my son clouded my reasoning at that point. Though I was not far from reaching that conclusion. I believe had someone sat me down and really had that heart-to-heart I would have been better off, but I am not sure I would have received that information anyhow.
So now we’re leading up to Jan 19th, 08, out long awaited home coming. Logan comes home! He does pretty well at home, he’s becoming more and more sleepy, more weak, and it seems like his breathing isn’t what it used to be. He was home for 3 weeks and3 days, his seizure’s started coming more often, and I knew he was getting worse. And he coded on me. This started the end, Logan was taken to a local hospital, where he recovered and we were on our track to going back home, we were moved to a peds room, where we were for only a few hours, then he had another BIG seizure and coded again. At this time he required intubation. We were airlifted to Arkansas Children’s Hospital and put in the PICU.
Before we left town, I knew in my heart that I did not want to put Logan through anymore. He may have been very weak, but he felt pain and I was not willing to watch this continue. Quite honestly, I knew it would be best for him if he passed, but it would be harder for me. So after talking to husband, and many many tears, we decided to remove Logan from his lift support. The decision didn’t go like we had planned. We had to wait, for certain things to be in place. We held Logan all night long, knowing that his ventilator would be turned off the next morning. I was much braver than I thought, I was determined that my baby last moments with me would not be of me crying uncontrollably. I wanted him to feel my confidence, to know that he fought hard, and I was proud of every second I was able to spend with him. So with that, I held him, skin to skin, on my care chest, while he took his last breaths. I cleaned his body, washed the tape off his face, dressed him in his cute little boy cloths, and carried his body to the morgue. Now of course, I cant type that without crying. At the time I held it together, and I will never forever kissing his face that last time. The sight of some man taking him through those doors, in the basement of the hospital. Handing my son off, was the hardest… but I had to… all I had to give my son was a little dignity after such a crummy life.
Once the autopsy was done, and after waiting several weeks, we have no more understanding into who Logan was then the day he was born. His kidney had not matured or grown since birth, his brain damage and swelling in his brain was much worse than we had thought, but other than that nothing changed.

So that is the short, condensed story.

[Danielley08]

You are sooo strong!!



I'm so sorry you lost your little man...but I'm sure he is up there smiling down on you just waiting for your next baby to come so he can be a proud big brother...

[.x~KAT~x.]

your story is so heartbreaking, what an extrordinary little boy Logan is
You sound so strong, sweetie i am so sorry for your families loss I bet Logan is so proud that you are his mommy xx

[Pitridge]

You story is heartbreaking I can't imagine going through what you and your husband went through. You are such a strong woman and he's such a strong little guy.....I'm out of words and I can’t hardly see the computer screen because of the tears rolling down......

[Wee3monkeys]

What a strong lady you are! Your Logan's story is heartwrenching!

[going4it]

I am soo sorry about the loss of Logan. He is a beautiful boy. My heart goes out to you, your dh and your family. I will pray for your little boy.

[Eleysia]

Youre an amazing woman, mother and person. Logan has to be so proud of his mommy for being so strong. You did what every parent has ever feared, and you did it for your baby. Thats no something to take lightly. You guys are the best parents a child could wish for.

[..Jessica..]

You ARE an amazingly strong woman!!!! Don't let anyone tell you any difference!!!

I'm so sorry to read Logan's Story. I actually read it today, but didn't know how to come about and tell you.

You are an amazing mother to him!

[Mommy0305]

I'm so sorry, what a horrible ordeal to have to go through

[AliciaF]

I am so sorry

I don't presume to know or understand the depth of what you've gone through but I can relate to one part of your story. Handing my son off to the nurses when I was released from the hospital was the hardest thing I have ever done and probably will forever be the hardest thing I've done in my life.

[KDD]

Oh Mellie, that was so heart wrenching to read. I'm sorry that you had to go through it alone. You are a very strong woman. I know that Logan will always be in your heart.

[mom2njia]

I am so sorry for your loss. I know your little boy is looking down from heaven and smiling on you. What you did took incredible strength and courage. You are so strong and a great mom.

[Christine-MA]

That is just heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you

[kingdink]

I am so sorry, Melly, no mommy should ever have to go through what you went through. You are such a brave and wonderful mother. Logan was as blessed to have you during his time here as you were to have him and you deserve to be happy now. He would want that. Thank you so much for sharing, I know it has to be very difficult for you.

[diaza1012]

I am so sorry to hear Logan's story. You are the best mother Logan could have asked for. You chose your son's feelings over yours. You are a very strong woman. I don't think I could go through everything you and your family have. You, your DH, and your family are in my prayers!

[kellyanne]

Thank you for writing that out to share with us, I know it must have been hard. It is absolutely heartwrenching, yet at the same time it beautifully portrays the incredible strength of a mother's love for her child.

[~Laurie~]

I'm so sorry for your loss, and thank-you for sharing your story. You are an incredible mom and a strong woman.