disappointed :(

mollysmom2008 · #1 December 9th, 2008, 05:36 PM

it's been six months since we started ttc, and i feel farther away from being pg than when we began.
we started in july, being cautiously hopeful, but knowing that these things don't always happen overnight. and i was ok with that.
then i got pg in september and lost it in october.
right now i'm on cd 20 with no positive opk since september (when i got pg).
for some reason, i gave myself this irrational deadline to be pg by the holidays, i guess to be able to share our happiness about the future with our families.
and now, it looks like i'm going to have af for christmas and have to be around all of our relatives, pretending to be happy and fulfilled; not empty inside like i feel right now. most of our relatives know about the loss, but no one mentions anything about it, acts like it never happened and, i guess, expects us to act like it never happened, too. and now my ever-competitive sister (only sibling) knows we're trying and will probably go out and get knocked up just to "beat me to it" and be special or something. forget the fact that she is unhappy in her marriage and probably doesn't have the means to support a child right now.
we're not old, but we're not spring chickens, either, in baby-making terms. i just can't grasp that the due date calculators are up to august/september 2009 already. and unless we get pg soon and have our kids back to back, almost immediately after each other, i'll be in even more difficult-to-conceive territory due to our age. i think i would have liked to have had the option of having some time in between kids, to evaluate things and decide how many we would like to have.
i know i'm being really hard on myself for something over which i have little control; i'm just very frustrated over the fact that that there is little to nothing that i can do to influence our situation.
why is it that we spend the majority of our adult lives trying not to get pg, and then when we want to, we've already missed our best chances?

klt · #2 December 9th, 2008, 09:01 PM

Oh. I am so sorry for your loss. I'm also sorry that you're feeling really down. The holidays are really hard. I had a m/c in October, too. Have they done any follow up blood tests on you to make sure your hcG is back to normal so that your cycle can start again? That can take a while. I don't really know anything about opks so I wouldn't know when you would use them to see when you O after a pregnancy loss. I also don't know how to determine days of a cycle after a loss because I thought that the cycle can't start until all the hormones are back (or close to) pre-pregnancy levels. You said that you'll probably have AF over Christmas. Is that for sure, or could you still ovulate (sorry if I seem clueless...) Have you had a regular cycle since your September BFP? (also sorry if I'm asking too many ?s)

You have every right to grieve and feel bad. And, being around family that ignores your loss/pain, or tries to compete with you is so unfair. IMO, you don't need to pretend to be happy around family. Be yourself. If you're unhappy, that's OK. You've been through, and you're going through a lot! And, if you manage to find some peace and happiness this holiday season, that's awesome!

But, the biggest thing is...Don't give up! CD20 may mean O in the next week! Who knows?!?!? And when it happens, I hope you get your BFP. Keep me posted. You're in my thoughts and prayers...

Kelty

~Lynda~ · #3 December 10th, 2008, 06:48 AM

i think we've all felt the way you are feeling... it's very very hard to stay positive. I had a m/c in August. I kinda thought i'd be pregnant again by now, but i guess not... i'm sorry for your loss, really sorry. it kind of puts us in a mental funk that is hard to get out of!!!! but you gotta do something to pull yourself out of it!!! if I can help, let me know. HUGS!!!

..Jessica.. · #4 December 10th, 2008, 07:23 AM

I'm so sorry for your loss!

We all on here do feel the same way you're feeling right now. At somepoint, or several points before we get pregnant again. It sucks.

You will get pregnant, I guess you just need to stay positive and don't let the negative aspect of TTC get you too much. It's very hard though, as you want this baby so much, but it's like as each cycle passes, the baby you were meant to get is pulled further from your hands. We all understand that!

You're not alone in this!

Momeejenjen · #5 December 10th, 2008, 09:40 AM

aww hun, I am so sorry!!!

I know its so difficult! Its a cloud that just hangs over us at all times. ((HUGS)) I really hope you are able to find that joy and have that baby soon!! Have you tried to seek any assistance from an infertility specialist?

mollysmom2008 · #6 December 11th, 2008, 01:55 PM

thank you for your kind words, ladies. i know i'm not alone, it just feels like it sometimes. darn holidays.
i haven't had any follow up since the m/c; the doc just said to wait two weeks after the bleeding stops and start trying again.
i did have a period 40 days after the m/c started; i read somewhere that just because you get a period doesn't mean you're ovulating necessarily. that the only way to really know is to do the opks or do blood tests or something. so i keep peeing on things and getting disappointed and frustrated.
the opks have still been less-than-positive, but i do seem to be having some ovary pain like i used to. maybe i'll go pee on something else

heathernoell6 · #7 December 11th, 2008, 02:05 PM

M/C is not easy. I also wanted to point out that your family may just have absolutely no idea what to say. That doesn't necesarily mean that they think you should act like it never happened. I also miscarried in Oct, we had been trying since Feb. I, foolishly, thought that I would be able to get pg before I even had 1 more cycle

Now, we are on Cylce 2 after loss (Cycle 10 ttc). I hope you get pregnant very soon. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

..Red.. · #8 December 11th, 2008, 04:16 PM

I agree with everyone., especially Heathernoell6. I had my stillbirth in March. My folks still don't know how to deal with it. My dad actually told the 24hr Fitness guy about the whole ordeal to get me a better deal on a gym membership, so I could get in shape to try again. My folks also invited a friend of the family who was also pregnant with a due date the same as mine to our annual Mother's Day brunch.... I had to leave. I said I'm sorry mom, I love you, but I'm just not ready to have that in my face. Make no excuses. It's ok to be sad over the holidays. It's ok to be mad over the holidays. And I think it's ok to talk about the white elephant. People may be uncomfortable in the short term, but it's better than you feeling uncomfortable in the long run. As far as your sister, so be it. Your TTC and your eventual (soon!) pregnancy are yours. Only you and your partner need to enjoy it. And just think how much more you will enjoy it. I know that this time I will be taking belly pictures weekly, measureing weekly, talking to my belly daily. I am going to do all the things I didn't do before. Don't add the stress of someone taking that away from you before it is even here. It doesn't help the baby making.