Hey Ladies!
I hope you all had a wonderful New Year's Eve!! I've been offline for a bit, but I'm home now and trying to catch up. Some of you might remember that DH and I go back and forth on weather or not we want to TTC. It seems like we change our minds constantly. I know I do daily if not more than once a day. Here are some things I think about having just our beautiful little girl and NOT TTC again:
- we are focsuing on eliminating debt and that is wasier with 1 child.
- we can potentially travel more frequently (we LOVE to travel).
- daycare is expensive where I live, and I enjoy working outside the home.
- we can save for 1 college tuition, 1 car, 1 prom, etc etc.
- I have lost over 120 pounds and I'm afraid to gain it back, even if I'm pregnant because I might not lose it again.
- the terrible 2's have hit, and that is BC some days.
- We lost a baby in August, and I can't stand the thought of losing another one.

Of course I love the idea of Lindsay having a sibling, but that doesn't seem to outweigh all the reasons we think having one might be for us. I personally DO NOT believe that having only one baby is selfish as many people have already told me. I feel it is completely selfish of myself to consider a second when we're not financially prepared for another one. Yes, we make a good living, but we would like to be debt free in the next 3-4 years and are on track to do so. Someone once told me "you will never regret having another baby, but you might regret NOT having another one". That stands out in my mind so much. So you can see how I teeter totter with making a decision.

I'm sure there are lots of woman going back and forth with the same dilemma. I'm just looking for an objective opinion or maybe something that I've said stands out to you? Maybe some guidance or wisdom I'm lacking? I'm a very open minded person and appreciate any and all responses.
BTW- DH would be fine with whatever I decide.

[..Jessica..]

Well first of all, whatever you decide, is NOT selfish.

I also want to pay off my debt (which is less than $4000, but still) and save money. However, if I do happen to get pregnant, I'll deal with it. I'll still pay off my debt and save money, but I'll also have to save for that baby.

For someone to tell you, that you're selfish for only having one child is rediculous. You and DH have a plan set for yourselves and want it to be a certain way.

Now, as for you wanting your debt gone in 3-4 years, I'm very sure that it's possible. Why not try for a baby when it's gone? You don't have to have a baby right now, especially when you do have other things in priority. I too have things in priority.

I dunno..my reply is all over the place here...I don't know what to say...

Don't try, don't stress, just be with your husband when you feel like it. Who knows, maybe doing it that way, will make things happen! Whatever happens Jenn, you will get through it, and everything will be perfect.

[KDD]

If you take away all of the variables - the question is: Do you want to have another child? If you know in your heart that you do, then you need to make a plan for that (TTC timetable, finances, etc). If you're not sure, then wait. If you don't, send DH for the big V. Sometimes we tend to overthink things then we lose focus

Good luck!

You know, I knew I'd get some good responses. Your comment on "over thinking" things is exactly what's happening. I lose focus all the time on this subject. I really feel deep down that I am fine with Lindsay as our only child. I also feel that if we decided down the road that we would want another child that I would be thrilled to look into adoption and I know DH mentioned that when we lost our baby in August.

I lose focus when I read the boards and get excited for everyone trying to get pregnant. My SIL is having a baby in another month and it would be cool to raise kids together (we have both miscarried when the each other was pregnant, it's almost like the universe doesn't want us pregnant together), and when I see siblings together...those are the times I try to change my mind again. I need to focus on what we want and just live life the best way I can with that decision. DH and I have already spoken about him getting a vasectomy and he is ok with that, as long as I am. I think maybe once that happens I'll finally be at peace with our decision. I'm kind of sad that would mean leaving you girls boohoo.

[Christine-MA]

The completely selfish part of me wants to tell you to TTC again because I want us to raise our kids together LOL From 3,000 miles apart of course!

All joking aside, I can't imagine what a difficult decision this is for you. While we had a m/c at the same time, I don't have any kids, so my decision was a no-brainer. But you've always mentioned being okay with Lindsay being an only child, and I've always gotten the impression that is truly what you want.

I 100% agree with Kimberley. Savings, traveling, gaining weight....they all can really "put on the back burner" if you TRULY want to have another child. So make that decision from your heart. Or you can put TTC on hold for a year and do a little more traveling and pay down debt. Although I'm sure you have the same hesitations I have about waiting though (being 30+), but there are plenty of women TTC at that point in their lives with no issues.

The only thing I caution you about is having DH get a V before you have completely 100% made up your mind. Abstaining at O time, condoms, or going on another form of BC would be a much better idea until you're completely sure.

I'm sure you expected a response of "this is totally a personal decision and you have to do what's in your heart". Because obviously we can't make up our minds for you. Only you know what's right for you.

AND there is no reason to leave us completely. There is always PM or emails I know I'd love to keep in touch even if you decide not to TTC anymore.

[klt]

OH, Jenn, you don't ever have to leave...I don't plan on leaving, even when I'm holding my beautiful new healthy baby (I'm going with the positive thinking thing) !!! We'd love to always hear about your beautiful daughter. I think that everyone here would love to have your around even if you're not TTC! And, your advice and input is always beneficial to the ladies here! You have decisions to make. And, we'll all be here, no matter what you decide! You're in my prayers!

Thanks guys.

Christine- I was not hoping for the canned responses. I'm one of those people who appreciate honesty and straight forwardness, even if it's not what I want to hear lol. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned the age factor. I will be 34 in April and waiting 2-3 years is something I would not be interested in. Sure I know, lots of women in their 40's have children and I think it's wonderful. But, for me I'm not interested in "Starting over again" with an infant when Lindsay is in school, I hope that makes sense. I already kind of feel like I don't think I can do the baby stage again. I was not one of those pregnant women who had an easy pregnancy and loved every minute of it. Nor did I have an easy labor. And while Lindsay was a great baby, I did not enjoy the early days mostly because it was my first time going through that and I had no idea what I was doing haha. I would definitely consider adopting a toddler once LInz is in school, depending on where DH and I are in our lives.

I guess time will tell. Earlier tonight, I decided to ask LInz if she wanted a baby brother or sister. I'm not sure how much of that she actually gets, but she said "no thanks". LOL. I asked DH again, because my O day would be next week sometime and he said "why do you keep going back and forth? I'm ok with things how they are". So, I Guess that settles it. I will continue to flounder in my mind, but for now it will go to the back burner! I will stick around here and cheer you gals on and think positive thoughts for sure! And hopefully, if we change our minds months or years down the road, none of you are here hehe. Thanks for being a sounding board!

[Christine-MA]

LOL I had to laugh at Lindsay saying "No thanks". I have a niece who is 6 and she is the only grandchild. And if she had her way, she'd be the only grandchild forever. When we told her I was pregnant, she told me I had to name the baby Sucker (if that gets filtered it was....s*cker)! LOL

I don't blame you one minute for waiting not being an option. I get so sick of hearing 30 isn't old. I know it isn't in reality BUT it doesn't mean if I want to have 3 or 4 kids that I shouldn't worry about when to start for the first! Especially now with two m/c already.

So, all I have left for you is

[DoulaMama]

I'm better at stories then advice, so here goes...

I used to struggle with this a LOT. I even considered getting my tubes tied, as crazy as it seems now. Loosing 4 babies made me think I never wanted to risk going through this again. After lots of struggles and soal searching I now know I don't want to make decisions on who is in my family out of fear. I don't want to miss out on having a child b/c I'm afraid of loosing another.

As for your monitary/weight/etc concerns, my thoughts are similar to what you wrote.... A Child is a blessing, and it is always better to be blessed.

[~Lynda~]

i'm with christine on the - don't have DH get the big V until you are totally sure of your decision. i thought i was done with two children. then God blessed me with a third and now I want a fourth. My DH was shocked when I brought up the idea of the 4th. But we're very excited. don't make anything permanent till you're sure.

G/L and don't leave!!!