[Momeejenjen]

I started a new TTC journal with this entry but I figured I would post it here as well for those who want to know my full story.

*This gets graphic*

Today you will join me on a journey that is filled with heart ache, disappointment, and stress but the reward this journey offers in the end is the most joyous wonderful gift one could ever receive. Day to day life for me is filled with basal temperatures, charting, ovulation prediction tests, and of course the infamous home pregnancy test.

This all started when I was merely a child and if one was to ask “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I would joyfully answer “I want to be a mommy!”.

My dreams came to life when I was still a young woman. Two weeks shy of my 19th birthday I gave birth to my beautiful little boy, Micah. I married Jonathan, my now ex-husband. With in that year, I gave birth to my beautiful little girl Hope. I worked part time as a preschool teacher while I tended to my beautiful little ones. My heart was still incomplete. I wanted another baby, but after 12 months of negative pregnancy tests, I was seeing this was no easy journey. It was after that 12 month mark I discovered that my husband of 3 years had been unfaithful to me. I made some very difficult choices and for the next 4 years I became familiar to the life of a single mother working full time, going to school full time, and raising two precious children on her own. My desire for another child disappeared into the distance and I accepted that I was going to be content with what I had been blessed with. My career as a manager to a child care center was my pacifier, I was able to love on many children and fill my time with teaching.

It wasn’t until May of 2008 that I met a man who would change my world forever, insert Brad. That summer was a whirlwind of life changes… so much I truly believe my head has just recently stopped spinning. In July of 08 I was offered a wonderful job, making twice the income I currently possessed as well as steady hours and the many opportunities for advancement. The downfall, I would no longer be teaching and working with children which had been my comfort for the past eight years.

I took the job knowing it was the right move for my family. My new career move made more time for me to pursue a relationship with Brad; things grew serious quickly as I knew he was what I had been longing for. Brad was 28 years old, he had never been married, he had a wonderful career, a great head on his shoulders, and most of all he loved children! We knew it was a perfect fit and with in that month we were planning our wedding and put an offer in on a house. A week after putting the offer in the house we found out that I was expecting (complete surprise since I was on birth control!).

As this new chapter unfolded we were so excited… a dream come true in both our eyes. As the weeks went by we grew more and more excited about our life together and the new baby that would be joining our lives. We were taking a trip to Las Vegas to get married on November 1st. On October 30th I woke up and went to the bathroom. At 11 weeks pregnant that was the first place I went in the morning. When I wiped I noticed a pink tinge on the toilet paper. I remained calm but thought it best I call my doctor. I called my doctor and they told me not to worry but to come in later that day and they would do an ultrasound and a check up since I was leaving the next day. I arrived at the office that morning with excitement... I had not seen any more pink on the toilet paper and I felt pretty good. I was going to get to see my little bean again (I had just had an ultrasound 2 weeks prior and got to see my beautiful baby with a strong heart beat of 177 beats per minute).

I laid down on the ultrasound table and at first she tried an abdominal ultrasound and then pulled the screen closer to her and out of my sight and said “I am going to do an internal ultrasound, I have to check your ovaries and then I will let you see the baby.” I felt as if something was wrong… I could see what she was looking at on a smaller screen across the room, it wasn’t to clear, but I noticed there was no movement. With in a minute of her starting the internal ultrasound, she pulled the wand away… she had a pale expression and said “I am so sorry, I am not really supposed to tell you this, but there is no heartbeat”.

I was in complete shock… she took me straight back to a room in the office for me to wait for the doctor to come in. I called Brad and told him that we had lost the baby and right there I broke down, I couldn’t talk and my heart was so heavy! The doctor came into the room and wrapped her arms around me and told me she was so sorry that she was NOT expecting that at all. We discussed my options and she said she felt I would be safe to go on my trip since my cervix was still closed and thick, she said when I returned from my trip next week we could discuss what I wanted to do if the miscarriage had not started on its own.

Brad and I decided to go through with our trip and get married; we felt that it would lift our spirits. I had no bleeding the rest of that day or the next. Saturday morning, the day of my wedding, we got up at the hotel and the bleeding had started. It was like a period and just mild cramping. In the limo on the way to the chapel my cramps started to get worse… I got through the wedding; however going to the bathroom with a wedding dress every 30 minutes to change my pad was not something I would wish on anyone.

In the limo on the way back to the hotel after the wedding I started having contractions. They were heavy enough that I would have to stop talking to breath through the pain. We got back to the hotel and changed clothes. We went to get some lunch although I wasn’t that hungry I wanted a drink to help calm my nerves and maybe help with the cramping. At lunch the contractions continued and got a little bit harder, walking seemed to help with the pain though. I decided I wanted to take a walk on the strip to take my mind off of what was happening… we were maybe a block away from the hotel when all of the sudden I felt a gush and a major contraction hit. I almost collapsed to the ground but Brad was able to hold me up. I started bawling and felt I was possibly too weak to get back to the hotel, but we made our way back. When we got to the room I was in the most horrific pain I had ever suffered. My mind seems to block out most of the pain but I can remember curling up in the fetal position on the floor of the shower screaming in pain. The contractions were one on top of the other and the amount of blood was more than I could have ever imagined. Three hours passed, Brad stayed by my side the whole time, trying to be strong but I knew he was scared for me and he was upset that he couldn’t help me. Brad did eventually call his mother and sister to the room (they were staying in the same hotel). When they arrived they decided it was best that I go to the emergency room. The emergency room was just 4 miles away but I knew that my bleeding was so severe that even with the biggest pad I had I would bleed everywhere before we got there... not to mention I would have to go to the lobby to get in the car. I needed a wheel chair; they called the front desk to get a chair sent up for me. Thirty minutes passed and no chair for me… I was in horrible pain. I decided to muster up the strength to make the journey down the 7 floors to the front lobby to get in the car. As we were getting on the elevator at the end of the hall two men came running off the elevator in medical gear, they were looking for me, only they had no chair! My mother in law scolded them as we entered the elevator, leaving those idiots behind.

I got in the car and the pain was monstrous, every bump felt like a knife being twisted in my stomach. Finally we arrived to the ER. By this point I had blood running down my leg. The ER staff put me in a wheel chair and into the waiting room. I think they quickly noticed my pain and the amount of blood and after about 10 minutes moved me back to a bed. I laid there for almost 2 hours before they came in and gave me some pain medicine. I was sitting in a pool of my own blood. Three hours later the doctor came in and performed a mini D&C where he was able to remove “the products of conception” as he labeled it. My contractions ceased almost immediately and the bleeding slowed down to just a regular period. After an ultrasound to confirm that the doctor removed everything and after a blood test they released me to go home.

That night we got back to the hotel about midnight, but I don’t remember much… the drugs were very strong that they had given me.

For 2 weeks I remained in a state of denial and shock… I couldn’t return to work for at least a week. People said the dumbest things to me and I couldn’t stop crying. I had my little bean’s ultrasound picture on my desk, facing that destroyed what little strength I could come up with.

It’s taken a while but I’ve gotten better. My desire for a child is back full force. Trying to conceive has given my husband and I something to focus on. I would be 22 weeks today. I miss my little bean every day, not a day goes by that he doesn’t cross my mind.

My doctor has been running a few blood tests to make sure that my body is doing what it is supposed to. My last progesterone test came back low so she is re-running that test on the 28th, I should be 6 to 7 days past ovulation at that point. I hope my progesterone is normal and I hope that I am pregnant by that point.

My due date was May 20th. I dread the month of May. I kept thinking that maybe if I am pregnant by then that I can pull through a little easier. Brad and I want a child so badly.

I try to pass the time now obsessing over opks and hpts. Brad doesn’t like to talk about our angel, it really hurts him badly. He brings up the baby very rarely, his heart is still heavy. He does often talk about “knocking me up” and us having a baby, but he is scared of this all happening again… I am too, but I know the reward is worth it.

[tobynscarlett]

That was so sweet of you to share your story with us. I know it was very hard to write that out, I have still not been able to put my story on paper- I truly don't know if I will ever be able to. I am so sorry for your loss, but so happy you have decided to TTC again. Good luck, I will be thinking about you.

[L-SBB]

Jen...I didn't realize we were part of the same DDC...I dread May rolling around too

Glad you're here now to obsess with the rest of us, and I hope you get your BFP quickly!!

[wildflower_142]

Jennifer,

thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry about your loss . My baby was also due in May (5/11).

[Bakin8th]

[mom2njia]

Thanks for sharing your story. Sorry for your loss.

[Eleysia]

Im so sorry you had such an awful experience hun big big big

[klt]

Jennifer, I have to tell you... that was a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing. You went through so much...it seems like you had to deal with labor and delivery with no beautiful baby to take home. That's awful. I am really hoping that you and Brad are blessed with a beautiful baby soon. Please know that you are in my prayers!

[heathernoell6]

Hi Jen! I know it is hard to put your story on paper or out on the web...but it helps. I have not yet written out the whole story. However, just joining this group of women and talking about it with them and making the little image that says weeks,days,etc...helped me more than words can ever say. I am writing (for about a week) as we speak. Writing and/or speaking helps the soul to heal. I finally came to a point at which I realized that this happens all the time. It has happened to MANY women in my family. I should feel blessed that I had someone to talk to about it. I will be ok. I know that now. I will miss that little one for ever, but I will be fine. I believe in my heart that I will have another child and fulfill what was meant to be for me. So, now I am rambling. Please PM me anytime. I am thinking about and praying for you!!!

[Momeejenjen]

Thank you girls for your wonderful support, It is my wish that no one would ever have to suffer like we have, that no one would have to go through losing something so precious!

What a brave thing to share this. Thank you. Maybe I should try writing it all down one day. I an pretty open about my loss with my friends and I know that's helped me to get through. I totally understand you dreading May. I was due March 17th and I am so not anxious for it. After my loss, I found out 2 of my close friends were due 2 weeks after me. Although I am thrilled for them, it still hurts sometimes when I see them in all their pregnant glory . Hang in there.

[Momeejenjen]

What a brave thing to share this. Thank you. Maybe I should try writing it all down one day. I an pretty open about my loss with my friends and I know that's helped me to get through. I totally understand you dreading May. I was due March 17th and I am so not anxious for it. After my loss, I found out 2 of my close friends were due 2 weeks after me. Although I am thrilled for them, it still hurts sometimes when I see them in all their pregnant glory . Hang in there.[/b]

I have a friend who is due 2 weeks after I was due as well and she is still very pregnant and very not taking care of her self.. it breaks my heart!

[..Red..]

I have a friend who is due 2 weeks after I was due as well and she is still very pregnant and very not taking care of her self.. it breaks my heart!
[/b]

Those are definitely the situations that upset me the most. Unfortunately its too common for my blood. Any case, I am sorry for your loss. I know I wrote down what happened the same morning I gave "birth." It needed to do it because I was so wrung out and it was so stuck in me, that I had to get it out. It was awful. I also didn't want to just leave my DDC without saying something and I needed someone's support. Everyone just came to the hospital and stared at me lamely. It wasn't supportive it was doing duty I felt.

I will say though that July was hard for me (My DDC), but it wasn't as hard as I expected. I had 4 months go by or so, so by that time I had come to terms with it as much as possible. I did get sad, I did cry, I did get angry, but coming up to July was worse than actually getting to my EDD. I was anxious about October because I didn't want to accidently have another July EDD, but that even passed because I was getting answers, or at least something was happening. My new doctors were doing something! That helped relieve a lot of my anxiety. Heck it helped me enjoy sex more too because I wasn't scared of getting pregnant. I know something could go wrong still, and am anxious with this pregnancy a bit, but I'm dreading it (the idea of being pregnant and what could go wrong) like I was in the months proceeding the loss. I don't know if that helps knowing that, but hopefully it will.

P.S. I liked your writing style even if the topic was what we all hate to hear. You still look absolutely happy and wonderful in your wedding pictures. It is a testament to your strength.