[tobynscarlett]

Okay ladies, I need lots of help with a project. There is a group here in town called "Birth Stories & More" where women of various ages gather to discuss their births, pregnancies, children and experiences in general. I have attended these meetings since they first began and all of the women involved knew that I was pregnant. The other day another mother from the group (who had lost her 3 week old little boy to a heart defect) called me to offer some words of encouragement. She seemed very nervous about contacting me and even stated several times that she just didn't know what to say. I felt that it was very sweet of her to step outside of her comfort level and reach out to me- it was something I never expected. Anyway, after I hung up the phone I started thinking a lot about the reactions people have had to me since I lost my son.

I really feel the calling to go to this meeting and speak about my loss. I feel like it will bring the situation out into the open and allow those women to see that I am okay talking about it. I know many of them will probably be uncomfortable talking to me and will probably be afraid to upset me. This way, if I bring it up I feel like it will clear the air in a sense. One of the things I would like to address (if they allow me to speak) is how others can help those who have lost a pregnancy or a child. I feel like this is really important because so many of us will come into contact with a mother who has lost a child at some point. I hope that it will be helpful to tell them things like "don't ignore my loss and pretend it never happened- I would prefer that you say 'I just don't know what to say' than have you ignore me" or "don't hesitate to send a card, some of my favorite things in Zachary's memory box are the cards from people I don't know very well". I really just want to give these women information they may be able to use sometime in the future. It seems like a subject that just isn't talked about much and probably needs to be.

My question to you is- Do you think making this speech will be helpful to others? and what are some of the things you wish others had known about helping you deal with your loss?

Please respond- this is a very important subject to me and I really need some input so I can do this task well. Thank you in advance!!!

Heather

[PixieQueen]

I think that would be awesome! You are right, so many people don't know what to say or do. I was one of them until my loss. I definitely think you should ask if you can speak to them! Go for it!

[Mrs.Shirley]

I personally think it would be wonderful for you to talk to these women. I think there are so many people who are truly at a loss for what to say, or afraid to bring it up. I think it will not only break the ice for them to talk to you. It may even be good for you. I know it really helped me to tell anyone who would listen, from the cashier, to the guy who stopped to change my tire. I did find that there were a lot of people who just said "oh", or "really," but there were even more people who were eager to talk with me about it and I think that was very healing for me. Good luck it you do decide to go through with it.

[kellyanne]

Jumping in here from PAL (I still lurk here because I was here for so long...I can't leave ) to say that I think what you are planning to do is awesome! Since I began experiencing pregnancy loss I have felt like the topic is so "taboo". So many women experience it in some sense (1 loss, multiple losses, early, late, stillbirth, etc) that it is just sad that we all have to feel alone. These boards have been my saving grace, but to talk about it IRL would have been even better, I think. Just yesterday there was a post about how someone on a DDC was "uncomfortable" with women posting about their losses. That just goes to show how ignorant some people are about the reality of loss. If you can help or enlighten anyone, that is terrific! I say !

[heathernoell6]

I agree with everyone else 100%! You will be helping yourself and countless others. I wish you luck and I would love to see a post with what you said. You have amazing strength and courage to do this. I envy your opportunity to enlighten these women. Good for you.

[klt]

I think it would be amazing if you could speak to these women! KUP!

[Mommy0305]

I think it sounds great!

[..Red..]

I almost wonder if the lady who contacted you was my neighbor, but I don't think you live in my town. I've wanted to do a similar thing though with her. She lost her 3 week old son to a heart defect in December. I've wanted to tell her I know what it's like to give birth but not be able to bring home your child. But I don't know that I can do it. Not only that but now that I am pregnant I don't want to get in her face about it. I don't know. I've even wanted to bring her the baby blanket I made for her baby, but I felt that it might be too hard. As it is, I never see her any more.

[tobynscarlett]

I almost wonder if the lady who contacted you was my neighbor, but I don't think you live in my town. I've wanted to do a similar thing though with her. She lost her 3 week old son to a heart defect in December. I've wanted to tell her I know what it's like to give birth but not be able to bring home your child. But I don't know that I can do it. Not only that but now that I am pregnant I don't want to get in her face about it. I don't know. I've even wanted to bring her the baby blanket I made for her baby, but I felt that it might be too hard. As it is, I never see her any more.[/b]

I don't think it was your neighbor, the lady I am referring to lost her baby over a year ago and now has an 8 week old. However, I do want to encourage you to take the blanket you made to that mommy. As you probably know, things like that are greatly appreciated and I can guarantee that she needs to know that people are still thinking about her and still care about her baby. Tell her how you feel!!! That is one of the reason I wanted to give this talk, because so many people are unsure of what to say or do so they just don't do anything. Even though you are pregnant now, you still know what that emptiness feels like- tell her. She may need to hear from someone now more than ever. Especially now that a few weeks have passed and it seems like everyone but her has moved forward and is going on their lives. i think the blanket is a very sweet gift- personally, I feel like I can't get enough of the memories I have of Zachary. I have a slight obsession with collecting anything that reminds me of him- especially small gifts and cards from others. I think she would cherish the blanket that you made specifically for him. Please go over there and talk to her, tell her your experiences and just be there if she wants to talk about her child. Do it today if you can, there will never be a 'good' time but she needs your support. It is up to us to help other women through these hard times. I really believe that there is something special that only women who have lost children can offer to other women going through a loss.

P.S. Remember- if she crys it's not because of YOU- it's because she needs to cry right then. Just hug her and let her cry.

[..Jessica..]

I think it's wonderful that you're even willing to go out and talk about your loss. Losing a child isn't really spoken about...unless you're on here!

[KDD]

I think that it's wonderful that you want to go. When I had my loss I got comfort from JM (of course) and a Facebook site that lists "Advice on What not to say after a miscarriage". My biggest problem is that people didn't know what to say and would unknowingly say the wrong thing. Here's the list (it's really long):



-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

-Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between losing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him.

-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want him to be my angel. I wanted him to bury me in my old age.

-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

- Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

-Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

-Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while. If you're my boss or my co-worker:

-Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

-Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come.

Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.