7 months ago TODAY

..Michelle.. · #1 February 6th, 2009, 11:37 AM

I can't believe it's been 7 months since I last held my son and had his little funeral and burial.

With you other ladies, I just feel like I'm so weak. Drake (another angel baby in my Loss of a Child board) just had his 3 year angelversary and I'm bumming on Roman's 7 month angelversary.

You all must be so strong to have made it as far as you have. Sometimes I think we're TTC too early because I just sit and weep about Roman at times. I feel like I'm ready but at other times it's like "OMG, what if I'm pregnant this month? What if the same things happen? Am I SURE this is the right time for us to TTC again?"
I've been having cramping and back pain these last few days and I swear I'm going to m/c if I am pregnant. I never feel this way around when I ovulate. I had some spotting this morning and I'm only like 5dpo. So I have no clue on what's going on with my body.....I just wish I could test earlier and find out if I'm a positive or a negative. I hate waiting like this. Mother Nature sure screwed things up when she makes you wait 2 weeks to find out. What a

!

to you all. Thanks for listening to me complain.

KatiInCT · #2 February 6th, 2009, 11:51 AM

I haven't known you that long but I just wanted to give you some hugs and let you know that I'm listening.

..Michelle.. · #3 February 6th, 2009, 11:56 AM

Thanks Kati. I think I just need to know I'm not alone. I know that's what these boards are here for but sometimes I just feel SO DANG alone with this. DH doesn't want to talk about Roman and if I brought up it has been 7 months today, he'll just say "lets not think about it". To which I'd reply (like I've done before) "So now I have to cry and mourn for the both of us? That's not fair honey."
He just doesn't like to remember the pain. I have to because I carried Roman inside me for 30 weeks, felt his every kick, punch, legs sticking up into my ribs....etc. I miss that and that's one of the reasons I wanted to TTC again. But sometimes it seems like too much.
Thank G*d for my grief counselor. Without her, I feel like I'd be totally alone in this.

's to you for thinking about me!

tobynscarlett · #4 February 6th, 2009, 11:59 AM

I am sorry you are having a hard time right now- this is a good place to com and cry when you need to. I will be thinking about you.

..Michelle.. · #5 February 6th, 2009, 01:20 PM

Heather, thank you. I just want to mope around all day and look thru Ro's stuff but I know just doing that will only make me more sad. So I've gotten up, done the dishes, did some laundry, did some house cleaning, and rolled DH & I some cigarettes (it's cheaper that way).
So no mopy Michelle, gotta keep my mind and hands busy doing other things!

LissaDawn · #6 February 6th, 2009, 02:59 PM

I am so sorry, and I am glad you feel like we help provide you with some support. You are in my thoughts.

..Michelle.. · #7 February 6th, 2009, 03:08 PM

Thanks Lissa. All of you women here are my main support group....and I don't have to pay you like I do my Grief Counselor

..Jessica.. · #8 February 6th, 2009, 06:15 PM

L-SBB · #9 February 6th, 2009, 06:30 PM

oh Michelle honey I'm sorry today is so particularly tough for you

I hope that DH will start to talk to you about Roman and how much both of you miss him...I feel like those we've lost are never forgotten as long as we still remember/talk about them so I can understand how hard it must be for you when he'd prefer not to think about it. I'm sure DH is just coping as best he can, but perhaps with time he'll be able to share more with you about his grief.

Until then, you always have us - and we're always here with a shoulder if you want to talk about Roman or what you're feeling about his loss.

mom2njia · #10 February 6th, 2009, 08:29 PM

I am sorry. I know how hard it is. There is no right or wrong way to feel. Kai's 2 year angelversary is in March and I am sure I will be a blubbering mess.
This board is sooo supportive

heathernoell6 · #11 February 6th, 2009, 11:45 PM

Quote:

Thanks Kati. I think I just need to know I'm not alone. I know that's what these boards are here for but sometimes I just feel SO DANG alone with this. DH doesn't want to talk about Roman and if I brought up it has been 7 months today, he'll just say "lets not think about it". To which I'd reply (like I've done before) "So now I have to cry and mourn for the both of us? That's not fair honey."
He just doesn't like to remember the pain. I have to because I carried Roman inside me for 30 weeks, felt his every kick, punch, legs sticking up into my ribs....etc. I miss that and that's one of the reasons I wanted to TTC again. But sometimes it seems like too much.
Thank G*d for my grief counselor. Without her, I feel like I'd be totally alone in this.

's to you for thinking about me![/b]

As for dh, please try to give him a break. I TOTALLY undrstand. However, like you said, you miss the kicks and hickups and so on. DH NEVER I repeat NEVER had the amazing gift of experiencing those things. So, he is not only greiving with you, but also asking GOD why he never got the one-one experiences that you got to experience. Please try to remember that it is ATLEAST as hard for men, and maybe just maybe a little bit harder. It may not make you feel any better, but men deal with things totally different than we do. They have been programmed to think that they can be strong though anything. They are not supposed to cry......Please give him a chance.