One month

lmunoz8517 · #1 March 12th, 2009, 03:44 PM

It is one day today since our precious angel said goodbye and went to be with the other angels, Jesus, and my mom. Today for the first time my dh really opened up to me. He feels bad because he has our two beautiful kids and he still loves them, but he keeps thinking about how we should be getting ready to find the sex, be in the second trimester, and preparing for a baby instead of packing things away. He said he had so much hope and joy and was looking forward to September and now he dreds it. He feels so guilty for being so depressed when we have all kinds of love and happiness from our children. I told him it was ok. I felt the same way and we had our first good cry together after the fact.

I just cant believe it has been a month already. Time has gone so quickly and so slowly all at the same time. It is so wierd, sometimes I walk my a mirror and think about how much bigger I should be and other similar thoughts. It just happened so suddenly. With two healthy non complicated pregnancies I figured I was a pro at it and nothing could go wrong. My body knew what it was doing. Then I felt like my body failed me. I do believe in my heart of hearts that this baby was never ment for me to have on earth. God gave us this baby because I have cried so many nights because my mom died so young. She never got to meet my husband and mostly she never got to meet her grandkids. This baby was ment for her. He was ment so she would have a grandbaby to take care of until we all meet again. I have made the decicion to call the baby Carmen. It is a gender neutral name and she loved the Christian singer Carmen when we were little. The name is so perfect. It fits with our 'C' name thing and we love it.

Time heals all things and although I miss my mom in the 8 years she has been gone, things have become easier. I no longer feel anger for her being taken from me, nor to I hate myself for not being there when she died. I know it time this will get easier too.

So with my mom's birthday being 2 days ago and the loss of our anegl a month ago I just want to say "Happy birthday mom, from my womb to your arms. Keep Carmen safe until we are all reunitied."

. . . Thanks for reading I know this is all over the place!

Dinah · #2 March 12th, 2009, 03:59 PM

I too was expecting a baby in September and my last pregnancy was pretty easy. I never really thought that this would happen to me either. I just had my 30th birthday on Saturday and all I could think of on that day was I should be 12 weeks pregnant today.
I think Carmen is a beautiful name, and I remember listening to Carmen the singer when I was younger too. I hope that you continue to find peace and I am glad that your able to share your emotions with your DH as I am sure that helps a lot.

Trish36 · #3 March 12th, 2009, 04:04 PM

I'm so sorry about your loss. I'm sure your mom will take good care of your angel. Glad that DH and you could grieve together. It really helps to talk about it. I know it helped me. Just like you I've had 3 perfect pregnancies and 3 perfect children and was expecting #4 on Sept. 14 only to lose the baby at 12 weeks (that's when I had to induce a miscarriage cause baby had died at 8 weeks). Never in a million years did I think I would lose my little one. But what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right? That's what I keep telling myself. HUGS

tobynscarlett · #4 March 12th, 2009, 04:20 PM

That was so sweet it made me cry. I also lost #3 so I know how hard and confusing it is when you thought you knew what you were doing. I have guilty feelings because I just took that pregnancy for granted. It is such a wonderful image to have of your mom holding Carmen in heaven. That will stay with you forever. Happy one month Angelversary Carmen!!

tobynscarlett · #5 March 12th, 2009, 04:20 PM

That was so sweet it made me cry. I also lost #3 so I know how hard and confusing it is when you thought you knew what you were doing. I have guilty feelings because I just took that pregnancy for granted. It is such a wonderful image to have of your mom holding Carmen in heaven. That will stay with you forever. Happy one month Angelversary Carmen!!

lmunoz8517 · #6 March 12th, 2009, 04:58 PM

thanks for your support. I didnt realize how many of has miscarriage after healthy pregnancies. Or how many losses with sept due dates. You are truly a wonderful group of ladies. Its also cool to know that someone else remembers Carmen the singer. My dh has no clue who that is, Imma look for some music or a video online.

*SamF* · #7 March 13th, 2009, 06:32 AM

I'm happy that you were able to name your baby, and DH was able to grieve with you.

amandakay29 · #8 March 13th, 2009, 07:43 AM

What you said was so sweet. I'm glad you were able to name your little one. I feel the same way about my loss. He/She wasn't meant for me. My little guy that I have now after the m/c was meant to be here. I'm soooo sorry for your losses.

Momeejenjen · #9 March 13th, 2009, 09:08 AM

((HUGS)) I can relate all to well what you are going through. My father died when I was younger and I miss him terribly.. I hate my kids never got to meet him.

I was due in May and as my due date approaches I feel this weight laying heavier and heavier on my heart and I too look down at my tummy and imagine how big it would be right now and how the kicks would feel.

Good thing we have gardians above to help take care of our littlest angels until we get there.

..Jessica.. · #10 March 13th, 2009, 02:11 PM

I'm so sorry Lauren!!!

Kary♥RN · #11 March 13th, 2009, 08:51 PM

Sorry so late post.. I wanted to give you

From one Sept DDC loss to another! I know...

~~~Sara~~~ · #12 March 13th, 2009, 10:16 PM

I'm so sorry, we were due in Sept too, and my first pregnancy was a breeze too.

We don't really get to know why, but I am so sorry about your mom, I am glad she and Carmen have one another.

Cathy =^..^= · #13 March 14th, 2009, 11:17 AM

I was also in the Sept DDC. I still can't believe it's been a whole month for us. I still walk by the mirror too. Hubby hasn't "come out" yet about how he feels about the baby. I think there were times when he was more excited than I was, so I know that this has affected him deeply, he's just not showing it.

lmunoz8517 · #14 March 14th, 2009, 06:24 PM

I think its hard for men to show their emotions. I was so surprised and shocked. . but happy for sure when dh decided he wanted to talk.

lmunoz8517 · #15 March 14th, 2009, 06:25 PM

I think its hard for men to show their emotions. I was so surprised and shocked. . but happy for sure when dh decided he wanted to talk.

..Penelope.. · #16 March 15th, 2009, 10:57 AM

Honey, I'm sending you big *HUGS*

I'm so choked up right now. I can't believe how much this post sounds like something I could have written. Yesterday marked a month and a half since we learned that we had lost our baby, and 2 months and 1 week since PJ joined the angels. Last night, I completely broke down after a rough day because right now, I should be 18 weeks...only two weeks to go before they might have been able to save PJ if we had known something was wrong early enough.

I've finally gotten back to eating ok, and my stomach is shrinking. I hate it. Right now I should be feeling as big as a whale and have a big ole belly to be proud of. I also feel like everything happened so quickly. I never got a chance to say goodbye...it was just suddenly over.

I'm glad that your DH was able to open up to you. I love the name Carmen

I'm sorry that you lost your mom, but I think that it's wonderful that Carmen already had an angel to welcome her into heaven. PJ has several cousins up there, and the thought of them together is comforting.

*HUGS*