New here...Not TTC but don't know where else to vent...sorry it's long

SailorsWife · #1 April 24th, 2009, 03:23 PM

I am coming from the Nov '09 DDC. I found out on Wednesday at 10 weeks that my little one's heart had stopped beating. I haven't had my d&c yet, but I'm going in for it on Monday. I don't know what to do right now. I can hardly function. I'm at a complete loss as to how I'm supposed to feel right now. Everytime I smile or laugh I feel like I'm betraying my baby, like it's not fair that I get to be happy right now. I know I need to be there for my husband because he's dealing with the loss too, but I feel like I'm so unstable right now, how can I help him when I can hardly help myself??? I feel like a horrible person for even thinking about trying again yet. Like how can I even be thinking about having another child when the one I'm losing is still inside my body??? I can't get over having seen it's little heart beating and then it just quit 2 days later. I truly don't know what I'm supposed to do right now. How am I supposed to feel???? How do I move on from here??? How am I going to handle getting pregnant again??? It's not going to be a reassurance to have ultrasounds and to see my baby because I now know how quickly things can change. Everything was fine with my baby one day and two days later it was dead. I'm so sick of hearing 'I'm so sorry' and at the same time I know there's nothing else to say. I think what I really need is to hear from other women who have gone through the same thing or something similar. Like it's almost meaningless to hear platitudes from people who have no idea what I'm going through. It just means more if it's coming from someone who can relate. I don't know. I don't know what to do. Can anyone tell me what to do??? How to feel??? Where I'm supposed to go from here??? Anything anyone has to say is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Patriciamomofboys · #2 April 24th, 2009, 03:33 PM

Hi. It sucks. I hate saying I'm sorry but I do anyway because I am. No one should have to go through what you and I and all these other ladies have gone through. My only advice is to let yourself be angry and sad. Let yourself cry. Don't feel guilty or bad for any feelings that you have right now, it's all normal. I hated the thought of ttc again too and I still feel a bit guilty because it seems like I'm trying to replace the baby even though I'm not...

SailorsWife · #3 April 24th, 2009, 03:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EvelynMA

Hi. It sucks. I hate saying I'm sorry but I do anyway because I am. No one should have to go through what you and I and all these other ladies have gone through. My only advice is to let yourself be angry and sad. Let yourself cry. Don't feel guilty or bad for any feelings that you have right now, it's all normal. I hated the thought of ttc again too and I still feel a bit guilty because it seems like I'm trying to replace the baby even though I'm not...

that's exactly how i feel. like I'd be trying to replace my baby...

#4 April 24th, 2009, 03:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EvelynMA

Hi. It sucks. I hate saying I'm sorry but I do anyway because I am. No one should have to go through what you and I and all these other ladies have gone through. My only advice is to let yourself be angry and sad. Let yourself cry. Don't feel guilty or bad for any feelings that you have right now, it's all normal. I hated the thought of ttc again too and I still feel a bit guilty because it seems like I'm trying to replace the baby even though I'm not...

I couldn't have said it better myself. Sometimes it doesn't seem real, what we've gone through. But it is. Also, don't let anyone discount your feelings - I'm the worst at telling everyone "Everything happens for a reason" even though there are days when I don't believe it myself.

LissaDawn · #5 April 24th, 2009, 04:28 PM

Its definitely ok to feel mad, angry, sad, and yet still ok to smile and begin to heal. Dealing with the loss of your baby is something no one should ever have to face and it just plain sucks.

The ladies here are very supportive and I hope that we can help you through this. HUGS

KDD · #6 April 24th, 2009, 04:32 PM

What you're feeling is absolutely normal. There is no "schedule" on when you will feel better. You have suffered a huge loss and you need to grieve. Only you will know when it is time to move on. I know that after my loss I thought that there was no way ever that I would put myself through that again, but few weeks later I realized that I was ready to try again.

Whether you decide to try again or not, you are always welcome here.

L-SBB · #7 April 24th, 2009, 04:44 PM

Having a m/c is absolutely heartbreaking and incredibly UNFAIR. You have every right to feel however you feel right now...anger, incredible sadness and fear tend to be shared by all of us, but there's no "right" way to grieve so just work through whatever emotions you have as you have them.

I also found out at a 2nd u/s that we had lost the baby's hb and m/c was inevitable...it was a terrible moment and I know exactly what you're going through right now, unfortunately. What helped me through the first few weeks, which were HARD, was knowing that I wasn't alone. A lot of really wonderful strangers on JM reached out to me and told me their own stories of pain and loss...I share mine with you so that you know you're not alone - we're all here to help you.

In addition to this board (which is fabulous) and especially if you don't feel like being around TTC-talk (I didn't/couldn't for awhile) there's also a Pregnancy Loss board that is also a wonderful support group while you're grieving. Feel free to stay and lean on us while you go through this...I also had a d&c and would be happy to share my experience with that procedure if that would be helpful to you.

PixieQueen · #8 April 24th, 2009, 04:59 PM

Life just sucks sometimes. Whatever you need to feel is appropriate for you. I never had an u/s, but I just had a weird feeling about my pg from the minute that second line showed up. I was finally starting to relax, when at 10 1/2 wks I started bleeding. At first I thought I was doing okay, then about a month after realized I wasn't and I had to go on anti-depressant herbs to help me out. For me, part of the healing process was TTC and finally succeeding in getting pg again. Knowing all the reasons for m/c, part of my problem was that I was terrified that I couldn't get pg again, and even if I did, would I be able to keep that baby? I am now 5 1/2 wks pg again, so the verdict is still out on that. The pregnancy loss board is fabulous if you don't want to TTC, but if/when you are ready, this is an awesome board to be a part of!

mlyster · #9 April 24th, 2009, 05:16 PM

I can't say too much more than these ladies already have except that we have all been where you are. These ladies helped me so much when I found myself in this situation.

Feel what you need to feel. Bottling it up does not help you (or your DH). Take all the time you need to heal. Remember that no to situations are alike so whatever you are feeling is yours to feel. It sucks but it will get better. You will not forget the baby you have lost but you will get to a point where you are ready to try again.

Through it all - remember that we are here for you. I remember thinking that no one in my real life understood what I was going through... and then I found these ladies! We are here to help each other through the good days and the bad.

ThankingGOD4my2girls · #10 April 24th, 2009, 05:25 PM

I have been through all of the same emotions and felt the same fears as you have and it isnt easy but it is totaly natural for you to be feeling this way. I also got tired of hearing I am so sorry but at the same time I thought at least they care. I still have my emotional days and my fears but all I can do is Pray that God will see me through. God has been my strength through this all. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and if you need to talk feel free to PM me.

amandakay29 · #11 April 24th, 2009, 06:14 PM

All the ladies have put it perfectly. I was in the same boat you were...We saw the baby's heartbeat...it was nice and strong. And then a week later I started spotting and the baby's heartbeat had stopped. My d and c was scheduled 2 days later...I remember all those feelings. Everything you are feeling is totally valid and normal. Please know we are here for you. Vent away!!

megal40 · #12 April 24th, 2009, 06:35 PM

Everyone is here is right on. The advise that I can add is keep reading here. You will learn that unfortunately you are not alone- not by a long shot. When I had my first m/c 3 years ago I was absolutely lost. I felt like I was defective and that it only happens to a very small number of women. Well I was wrong and that helped me so much. Trust me, even if you want to come here and just post a simple "I'm sad" to a long explanation of your medical history, we're all here to listen.

I haven't checked yet to see if you have been there but there is a pregnancy loss board. All the ladies here are so understanding but if you are looking for a place to address your grief or sadness, it is a great place too.

Take care of your self and come back and keep us posted.

By the way, I know it is so little when you are hurting so much but I am truly sorry for your loss.

klt · #13 April 24th, 2009, 06:45 PM

There are no right words to say and there are no right feelings to feel. This is just one of those situations that you can't believe is happening to you. We went to Disney after seeing a strong little h/b. We came back and our baby was gone. We were devastated, as you are. And, if one more person told me it was "all part of God's plan" I thought I might spit. I knew they meant well. I knew that God had a plan... Guess what. It didn't make me feel any better. We all grieve differently. And this is sooooo recent for you. I can tell you it doesn't ever hurt less, it just gets easier to deal with... and everyone on this board is here to listen to all of your emotions. I appreciate the women here so much. Please stay, even if you're not even thinking of TTC yet. I was here for three or four months before we decided to try again, and getting to know these ladies was remarkable.

About smiling and laughing...you are the mommy to a beautiful little angel. On this board, we all are (and some more than one). I really think our angels want to see us healing. I think they need to know we can still smile. You're going to go through soooo many emotions, and all of them are OK. I think every lady on here has told you that. I'm looking forward to getting to know you better. You're in my JM prayers. Please update us about Monday. We'll be thinking about you!

klt · #14 April 24th, 2009, 06:46 PM

ahhh...double post. sorry

SailorsWife · #15 April 24th, 2009, 07:40 PM

Thank you. All of you. I can't even begin to tell you how much of a comfort it is to hear your advice and sentiments. As horrible as it sounds, I'm grateful for the ladies that have been here before me because it shows me that I'm not alone and I will eventually be able to move on as well. Your support means more than I can put into words. Thank you.

rebeccabaltimore and more · #16 April 24th, 2009, 08:05 PM

You will get through this. When my son was stillborn, I thought the sun would never ever shine again. It's been almost 3 months, and we are about to TTC. I never believed I could survive this, but I have. What you are going through is normal, and you will get better.

momof6lopez · #17 April 24th, 2009, 09:00 PM

Sailorswife, I was too in the Nov DDC and saw my beautiful baby's heart beating so strong. My baby stopped growing at 8wks. I saw his heart beat at 6w4d, and it was strong and healthy. My baby lived in me for almost 2wks more. Its so unfair and we so do not deserve this. We should be holding our babies on Thanksgiving Day this year and being ever so grateful. Hopefully we will be carying our new lo's by then and the circle of life will continue again. I still remember what I was doing the day my baby's heart stopped beating. We told my DH's family at a restaurant and celebrated his life for the first and last time unfortunately. Please come here or the Pregnancy Loss support group. We have good days and bad days, but in the end we are always there for eachother.

Prachi · #18 April 24th, 2009, 10:03 PM

I share the same emotions. I am also from Nov DDC. I saw a strong heartbeat of my baby at 6W3D. And in the 9th week there was no HB. This happened on Monday. I still am not able to believe that my baby is no more. This week has been the most devastating week of my life. This was our first baby, and I had never thought something like this could ever happen to us. I just had my D&C last afternoon. But I believe in god, and I feel everything happens for a reason. So I am just praying him to give us the strength to sail through this situation. Take care.

taralyn · #19 April 25th, 2009, 10:00 AM

I think the other ladies have said everything that can be said. It's def a hard thing to deal with and everyone deal with it differently. After my D&C, the last thing I wanted to do was try again right away, even though my doctor said I could and my husband really wanted to. In between the time of the procedure and waiting for AF I totally changed my mind and was beyond ready to TTC again. You will go through alot of emotions, especially the first week or two after and that's all very normal. You will know when the time is right to try again, you just need to listen to your heart. Good luck!

Sue46 · #20 April 25th, 2009, 12:52 PM

I'm sorry. Everyone has said everything. give yourself time to heal but its okay to smile and laugh it'll help you heal quicker. If you need anything feel free to ask. I had a D&E after losing our baby girl at 17 weeks, one of the worst things I have ever been through.