[Boble]

Ok.... i have been holding onto this one for a while and I feel bad, so wanted to get it off my chest.. background first: since having my m/c's i have always hated that it seems like an unspoken thing that we should be ashamed of. so, I had decided to talk openly about mine and tell people what had happened and answer any questions they had. so... for the sake of this post, one of the things is i told people that I had a scan at 7wks and there was a heart beat... but then a week later the day i m/c it was gone.... but this has backfired on me big time!
a friend of mine is preg, she had to go through IVF to get her bubba. she told me about 2 weeks ago, at 10wks that she was preg. They had an early scan and everything looked fine and her DH wanted to tell people then... but she couldn't because she burst into tears and said "Belinda had an early scan and everything was fine and they still lost theirs"

We often say that as mums to angel babies we don't have that innocence of pregnancy anymore.. we are worried about every little twinge and cramp and are continually running to the loo to check for problems... and I feel like rather then "educating" her on m/c I have stolen her innocence and taking that first trimester excitement away from her to a certain degree...

do you think i did the wrong thing?? should i have kept my m/c a secret?? I just feel so bad for upsetting her. she is ok with it and she isn't mad or angry with me or anything like that.. and I have apoligised so so much to her but i still can't help but feel bad.

[HannahD]

Boble, please don't feel bad. I can understand why you do, but I also think you should be proud to have been so brave to be open and honest about your experiences.

I too have been open with some of my closest friends about exactly what happened in my case. And I haven't before thought about the fact that I could have taken their first pregnancy innocence.

I remember how alone I felt when I found out my baby had died. I didn't know anyone that this had happened to, so I was, and still am, determined to be honest. If a friend of mine ever experiences pregnancy loss (God forbid!), at least they'll know that they can come to me because I've been there. And it is surprising how many people tell you of their loss/es once you mention yours.

I firmly believe that there needs to be more awareness of pregnancy loss. Maybe this is a reminder that there is a fine line between creating awareness and fear. (Perhaps in future we can mention the loss but let others ask for the details if they want them).

If your friend is not upset with you, then I don't think you need to feel guilty. She could just as easily have heard someone else's story other than yours.

Sorry if I've rambled on a bit. I'm glad you posted this because you've made me think about it a lot.

[Trish36]

HUGS!!! I'm sure your friend knows that you never meant to 'instill' fear in her by telling her your story. Chances are that because of her situation and trying for so long she would be scared and worried regardless of whether you told her anything. I've heard plenty of horror stories myself in reagards to m/c and still births in my lifetime, but it never occured to me that it could happen to me, it just doesn't touch you the same way if it's someone else. KWIM.

[mlyster]

I agree with HannahD. You should not feel guilty at all. In one way your educating her did make her more cautious, but I don't think that is a reason you should ever feel you need to hide what has happened to you. I know that I felt very alone (just like HannahD) and I would have loved to have know about a friend or someone else who has been through this kind of thing before.

Lets look at it from the other side of things. If at her 10 week u/s she had found out her baby had died and you had never said anything to her about what you had gone through... would you feel bad that you had not said anything and prepared her. I guess my thoughts are that you can not predict every situation nor every outcome. All you can do is get through what you are going through and try and be a good friend to her.

Try and find a way to reassure her. I think being honest is important to your process and perhaps she just needs to talk it out with you (about her fears and your concerns).

I don't think you have taken the innocence of her pregnancy. My first pregnancy I told my family as soon as I found out... and the first thing I said to them all was - but don't tell anyone else because it could easily end in miscarriage. I had not had a m/c at that time but i would have second guessed every step even without it. Perhaps she was just using your example as proof for her already existing concern.

Wow... just realized I was rambling. sorry!

I agree with HannahD. You should not feel guilty at all. In one way your educating her did make her more cautious, but I don't think that is a reason you should ever feel you need to hide what has happened to you. I know that I felt very alone (just like HannahD) and I would have loved to have know about a friend or someone else who has been through this kind of thing before.

Lets look at it from the other side of things. If at her 10 week u/s she had found out her baby had died and you had never said anything to her about what you had gone through... would you feel bad that you had not said anything and prepared her. I guess my thoughts are that you can not predict every situation nor every outcome. All you can do is get through what you are going through and try and be a good friend to her.

Try and find a way to reassure her. I think being honest is important to your process and perhaps she just needs to talk it out with you (about her fears and your concerns).

I don't think you have taken the innocence of her pregnancy. My first pregnancy I told my family as soon as I found out... and the first thing I said to them all was - but don't tell anyone else because it could easily end in miscarriage. I had not had a m/c at that time but i would have second guessed every step even without it. Perhaps she was just using your example as proof for her already existing concern.

Wow... just realized I was rambling. sorry!

[momof6lopez]

this is a good topic to bring up. I too have felt the same way with sharing my losses with women who never experienced them. But even my DH never experinced a loss until he married me. He had two perfectly planned children in his previous marriage of 18yrs, and I have had 4 live children in my previous marriage of 19yrs along with 3 losses ranging anywhere from 6wks to 14wks. When we went through our first pregnancy together just recently and it ended in m/c at 9.5wks, he was amazed that this could happen to anyone. He heard stories, but never once thought about it happening to him. Its kind of made me feel like when we do get pregnant together again, I almost dont want him to know right away. I dont want to take away the joy he finds in it just because I have lost my "innocence of early pregnancy". Maybe he has too already lost his innocence, but I just cant bare to see him so devestated again.

I even felt bad when I left my DDC and told everyone that we had a healthy heart beat just two weeks ago and then it was gone, just like that with no warning. A perfectly healthy pregnancy that just ended. I know I scared many women there, and for that I feel awful. But I guess even if it were not me, someone else would of scared them too. Miscarriage is a part of life just like death, and people need to be made aware of how easy life in early pregnancy can go wrong.

I guess it is pretty easy to ramble on about this, thank you for bringing it up, it has been sitting on my chest for too long....

[j.gibson6208]

I know exactly what you mean. I've never had a m/c before, but I lost my son during labor at 37 weeks with a perfect heartbeat 3 days before. And most women dont think of this sort of thing happening. They mostly think of m/c's. I know I did. and I use to hate sharing my story with pregant women because then they are so worried throughout their whole pregnancy. But im actually glad i share it because women should be advised of the things that could go wrong that way when they feel something not right they can get care immeadiatley...not just roll over and think its gas...Usually its easy to tell if its your 2nd or 3rd time around..but when its your first its hard to know what feelings are right and wrong. Id rather go to the hospital for every little thing even if they all turn out to be a stupid reason then not go at all and not know. And i agree that pregnancy is an exciting time...and its hard to keep your head up when you know these things...but its better to know and deal with the misery. its only 9 months and it will be well worth it in the end... I think your a great friend and she will thank you in the future for being honest with her. Keep your head up!!!

[sallyk61]

I wouldnt feel bad. I wish someone had told me that it wasnt only about diet lifestyle fitness age etc. I never for a million years thought I would have to terminate. It never ever ever crossed my mind. I wish I had know I could of had an early scan, to have know earlier etc but no one ever told me. I thought the only problem was possible down syndrome and even that never concerned me.

If I had known I wouldnt of felt so insanely alone and hard done by.

People dont know how to responed to the loss of something they never ever met or saw.

I dont want my friends to ever go through what I did, but if I can help them feel that arent alone if it does happen my experience has helped.

I have told alot of people, the only thing I have felt was that some people looked at me with that thought of 'she must have done something wrong'.
To be perfectly honest that is probably how I would of thought 6 months ago.

[Cherished1]

ohhhhh boble I love you honey... SO happy I found you to give you a great big hug! Please don't feel bad, your friend get's to make up her own reality about what you have told her, she is just probably scared all by herself regardless of what you went through.. I agree that we should not have to feel like we need to 'hide' the fact that we had a m/c, if people talked about it more it wouldn't be such an isolating experience for the millions of woman who have them.

Hello Hannah & sally xox

[Boble]

thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate it. Talking about it openly with people really helped me get past it because I was thinking at least something good may come out of it, like a bit of awareness?? but then i thought, oh bugger - i've maybe shared TOO much. but you are all right and i think she would have been worried no matter what - i guess most people are.

[.:Shortcake:.]

Boble firstly huge ! And secondly I honestly wish someone would have told me that I could m/c. I never in a million years thought it would happen to me. I don't think you "stole" her innocence. I just makes her aware of what could happen and she can use that information however she wants.

I can understand why you feel bad for telling her but like the other ladies said, you don't need to hide it or be ashamed of it. What we've all been through is a huge part of our life now and affects how we look at things and pregnancy. When I found out I was pg, my best friend who is a NICU nurse told me, "if you miscarry it's not your fault it's nothing you did wrong, it happens all the time" and I was like, what the heck why would you say that to someone that just found out they're pg?! And can I tell you not for one moment did I think I did something wrong (ok maybe for a minute or two) but her saying that to me before really helped me get through. I hope your friend has an uneventful pg and gets to hold her little one soon but God forbid something were to happen she knows she has you to understand.

[~Lynda~]

it's not that i dont' share my m/c's with anyone cause it's something to be ashamed of, I don't tell people because I don't really want to talk about it and either do they. people don't know what to say so they are uncomfortable. but i don't think you should feel guilty at all! her pregnancy will progress as it was meant to progress. it has nothing to do with you. you didn't intend to scare her at all!!!!! it was not malicious. but truly, if you feel bad, talk to her about it. it might make you both feel better!!!! G/L

[twoboys]

I think its good that you educated your friend, please dont feel guilty.. I am sure all of us, before our own losses have heard about friends losing, or co workers, and its just one of those things you dont think will happen to you.. I dont think she will feel that way either. I also wish someone had educated me with such insight as a missed miscarriage, I figured no bleeding, no signs baby was fine.. had no idea the baby passed away 3.5 weeks earlier.. I think you did good by being honest..

[szczepanski]

I lied to my best friend since 8th grade. She just told me she was pregnant - the day she got her BFP in fact - and was so excited because we will be pregnant together. She has been away for spring break and then busy with finals so I haven't really been able to talk to her. After telling me she was pregnant and how excited they were.....she asked me how my pregnancy was going. I lied and told her it was going great! And quickly switched things back to her and her pregnancy.

I lied because I didn't want to scare her. I lied because I didn't want to turn her joyful moment into sadness over my loss. I know I will tell her the truth after her first drs. appointment, and by then, hopefully I will be pregnant again. So I can tell her. But until then, I didn't want to shatter her innocence of pregnancy. For all other people I am completely open with what happened and how I am feeling and how we are doing. But for some reason, I just didn't want to scare her.

[..Jessica..]

I agree completely with the other ladies, I do understand why you feel bad...but you shouldn't.

She is your friend, and was there for you during your time of need. Even if it meant sharing something so personal with her. Most women (actually people in general) don't see our side of pregnancy until it happens to them. Some women never miscarry, and go on to have several children without complications. Others (us) experience the heart wrenching time of losing our babies after loving them for sometimes only a few days.

It's a tough topic, but, there's nothing you can do but talk to her and explain to her that everyone is extremely different. Pregnancy should be celebrated whether you're 5 weeks or 35 weeks.

I don't think you're a bad person OR friend!

[Mel1979]

Oh, Boble. Just had to jump on and give you a big hug! Please don't feel bad. I agree with Hannah, I too have told some of my closest friends about what happened and I never even thought it was taking their innocence away. I think we all need our family and friends for support in this time and I'm sure your friend knows you didn't mean to worry her. I was so innocent and naive when we started this journey but then one of my best friends had a m/c at 18 weeks which really made me stop and think. My BF has 2 children and has never had a m/c and she still worried throughout both her pg. I really think it is up to the individual how they handle the information. I have watched many TV's shows in recent months which has dealt with pg and m/c so you can't completely shield yourself once you become pg. Please don't give yourself a hard time, you have done nothing wrong. The fact you feel so bad just proves you are a great friend.

I am new to this forum so I am hoping to get to know everyone better. I can already see a few friends on this thread (including Boble). Big hello to Hannah, Shortcake, Cherished and Sally!

Hi Belinda,

I have just joined this forum yesterday, so I haven't had a chance to seek everyone else in the main ttcal thread....

You know, I was glad my gf told me about her two losses, as it actually helped when I had my first two. DH & I agreed to announce our pg when we got to 12 weeks/2nd tri-mester. I'm so glad we decided on that b/c I experienced two early m/c & I believe that it would have been harder to tell people that we had lost our babies after telling everyone we were pg.

If your friend wanted to tell people she was pg, she would regardless of what you said.

[AngelBabies]

Miss Boble............. I wish more women spoke about it. My own sister had several miscarriages but because she had also had abortions I just blindly ignored it. My best friend at the time found out at 30 weeks that her babies organs werent developing and that bubs wouldnt make it once he was delivered and she chose to carry full term to spend that time with him. Again... my ignorance... I didnt understand the depth of emotion involved..... When I lost the twins.... I felt so alone. Even though I had had 2 very close women go through their losses I was blind to it because everything was kept so secret. 1 in 4 is the figure. So 1 out of every 4 women will feel this pain all in different degrees. I strongly believe that education and open expression of emotions is the way to make it easier for those women who are still to walk in our shoes. I was a teenager with my first pregnancy..... sooooo blind..... so innocent. I look at him know when he walks past me at the age of 20 and think.... OMG.. how blessed was I. Before losing the twins.. yes I love my boys more than life itself... but NOW..... I m just in awe of how blessed I am to have 2 amaizing boys.....because NOW... I know.

[szczepanski]

One thing to remember.....and one thing I have realized....she is going to read about it somewhere. She's going to read about miscarriage and loss and the rates of miscarriage and how it truly is a miracle to create and carry a baby. But now, when she reads those things, she knows she has someone she can trust and speak openly with about her fears.

[jen805]

Aww, Boble! You did nothing wrong, and there's nothing you should feel guilty or ashamed of! Friends should be able to confide and share things with each other--truthfully, openly, and honestly! Don't be so hard on yourself, hon, especially since you've apologized and she's not upset by it! More women should be informed of the possibility of a m/c, especially with the statistics being so high!