[SailorsWife]

I hate this. I hate the way I feel. Everytime I think about the possibility of getting pregnant again I feel a mix of hope and extreme anxiety and fear. I'm so angry. At everything. I just want to scream sometimes. I want to throw things and fight and yell and then I just want to curl up in a ball and cry untill I'm so exhausted I can finally fall asleep and not dream about it. I want to lay in bed and stare at the wall. I want to go back in time. Figure out what went wrong and fix it. If I could have one wish that would be it. I would give anything in this world to have my baby back. I want to have that excitement and happiness back. I'm so tired of feeling so empty and pessimistic and angry and scared. I hate God. I hate that everything that is beautiful seems so fake and fleeting. Like it's a mirage and it's just going to fade away into nothingness. Every good thing makes me think of how it's going to change in an instant and become something evil. There can't possibly be anything good left in the world. I see kids out in public and I can't help but think about what my child would have looked like. I'm completely terrified of finding out what my baby was going to be. I was going to have a son or a daughter. My whole life was wrapped up in that little heart. It was the most magical thing in the entire world and in that split second that I saw and heard it beating my whole world narrowed into that little tiny .07 cm being. Who knew that the world could be so small??? What would he or she have looked like??? How would I have felt seeing him or her look into my eyes for the first time??? How do I get over this??? How do I move on??? I am so scared about having another baby and looking at that child and instead of being so happy and excited that they are here, feeling such an overwhelming sadness at losing the child I had before them. What is it that chooses which baby stays here on earth and which ones don't??? What was wrong with this baby that I so desperately wanted??? Does that that chooses to take it away from me know that I would have loved it to the ends of the earth and died at any given moment so that they could live???? Does that baby know how much I loved it??? It had a heart, so could it feel the love that I had for it???? Even for just the little while that it was here??? Why did it have to go??? What did I do wrong??? What could I have done to prevent it??? That precious baby was everything to me. Everything. I feel like a mother. I feel like I can't refer to this baby as a miscarriage. I want it to have a name and I want to know what it was going to be because I had a son or a daughter. Regardless of whether they were born alive or not or even at full term or my tiny 10 weeks. That was my child. Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I can't even begin to describe how much it hurts to know that I am a Mommy but my baby isn't here anymore. My mother once told me about a set of twins she went to school with. The girl was killed in a car accident a few days before her high school graduation and her brother spoke at the graduation and said that he felt like a twin without a twin. Well I can relate to that so well right now. I feel like a Mother without a child. I want my baby back. I don't want another baby, I want the one I lost. No matter what might possibly have been 'wrong' with it, I want that one. I want my son or daughter. I find out on Monday what it was. And I'm scared to death. I feel like it's going to take me back 2 1/2 weeks to the day we found out we lost it. I still want another child, but it's never going to replace this one that I lost. This precious angel that couldn't stay here with me. I know Mother's Day is about celebrating all the Mothers in the world, but I think it should also be about all the women out there who are Mothers at heart if not in the literal meaning of the word. So my Mother's Day this year isn't just going to my own mother or grandmother or aunt, etc. It's going to all of us that are Mothers to Angels. To all of us Mother's without a child. And to all of our Angels without a Mother. I hope and pray that they know how much we love them. Not past tense, 'loved', but love. Present tense. I loved you yesterday, I love you today, and I'll love you tomorrow. Till the day I die and I can finally be the Mommy to you that I want to be today.

[Boble]

omg... your post just hit such a chord with me... i have asked all those questions and said so many of those things! And I don't have any answers or anything to say which will make this day easier for you - but we are here for you and we understand you.

Happy mothers day to you for tomorrow because you are a mother... and a very special one. I can feel the love you had from your child though i have never met you and I believe that based on what i have read here and what i have felt from you in just this post there is no doubt in my mind that your baby knew you loved and still do love him or her! Your baby would have felt it!!! and im sure he or she still does

[mum74]

I'm sorry you're hurting so badly. I hope that writing it all out helps a bit - I know it doesn't for everyone but it does for me.

[farasha]

As inappropriate it may be to just say, "ditto"... that's how I feel this morning. Lots of hugs sweetie...

[..Penelope..]

Oh my God, honey. I am bawling. Your words could have been taken from my mouth...three months ago, two weeks ago, today.

Our babies DO know that we love them. I believe that it's the only thing they ever knew. I also truly believe that they are here with us.

This day is for us, just as much as all the mommies who have living children. We were mommies from the moment we first became aware of the miracle happening inside of us. Sadly, the rest of the world forgets us easily. But we won't forget each other.

Sending extra love and thoughts to all the angel mommies around the world today

[Kary♥RN]

I could of written this to a tee. I have and still feel the same way. I also had to know what I lost. I would have been carrying a daughter right now. I also had to give her a name. I choose Hope. For the few weeks I was able to love her on Earth she gave me such hope, hope in tomorrow and a brighter future. For me it did take me back to my loss all over again. This time I wasn't morning the baby I lost, I was morning the daughter I would have had. When a I see a little girl blond hair, blue eye.. I wonder how many features my daughter would have had. I found myslef yesterday looking at my MIL and FIL and than my Dh, seeing who gave him which feature... and thinking.. again would she have been a blond like my dh and I? I don't know if it made it easier. But it was something I needed to know.. DH didn
t want to know, and only JM knows I would have had a little girl. No one else.

[L-SBB]

i'm sorry you're hurting so much...all of us can relate to how you're feeling. You mentioned wanting to name your baby...i think that's a great idea - a lot of women feel better being able to name and honor their lost little one, so maybe that's something that can help you as you grieve. You might also want to look into some other ways to memorialize/honor your baby...an ornament, or piece of mother's jewelry for yourself...regardless of what you choose, your baby will always be there with you - in your heart.

[KDD]

I know exactly how you feel. I went through such a range of emotions after my loss. It's okay to give your angel a name, and it may help you as well.

Please lean on us whenever you need to.

Since our Angels can't say it themselves: Happy Mother's Day to us all!

[jen805]

SailorsWife--Wow.... I truly don't know that I have the words or the composure to give you the response you deserve.... your words, your raw honesty... you've put words to the emotions that I've been living for more than a year, yet have been unable to find a voice for. Thank you so much for bravely sharing your story and your pain--know that somehow you will manage to go on, I wish I could tell you how... it's just something you do... step by step, a day at a time... you won't get over these feelings, but you will learn to cope with them! There's still days when I get so bitter and angry... omg, and that feeling of just wanting to lay there and stare at the wall....I have 2 DS's, 15 and 8, and I love them with all my heart, but since my m/c in Mar. '08, I've felt this EXACT same way as you--and while I'm so very grateful for what I already have, nothing will replace what I have lost... and I'm slowly trying to crawl my way out of the darkness--while hiding behind the smile on my face so that nobody is really aware of what I'm thinking or feeling at any given time. Please know that you became a mommy the day you conceived your angel baby--you will forever be a mommy first to that child--and your future children won't replace the one you've lost, but will allow you to love them with a greater capacity, because of your experience. Happy Mother's Day to you, honey--it's your day as much as it's mine, or our mom's, aunts, sisters, etc... Remember you're among friends that share your pain--if you ever need to vent... cry, scream, yell... we're all here for you!

[SailorsWife]

I don't know if I'm supposed to say thank you or I'm sorry. I didn't mean to take you all back to that day that made all of our nightmares seem like fairytales. I don't mean to make you relive it all all over again. Or maybe I did. I don't know. Maybe I'm so sick of people saying that we can always try again and we just need to move forward or other such sentiments. Call me crazy but they don't ask a woman who lost her husband or her 5, 10, 15, 20, etc year old child to 'move on' in the matter of a couple weeks, so why shouldn't we be able to show our feelings???? Maybe I think it's a load of cow poo (trust me I have a much stronger word I'd love to use ) that we all feel like we have to hide our feelings from the world. Screw that. We have just as much a right to show those feelings. And I don't know maybe I'm still just looking for a fight with someone to tell me I'm wrong, but honestly I think that's what I believe. I think we all deserve however much time in mourning as is appropriate for us individually. So Thank you for all of your kind comments and hugs and T&P's. You ladies are truly the most amazing women I've ever known, and if nothing else, you are all a blessing in disguise in this hellacious time. I only hope I can eventually, in one way or another, be as much of a help to you all as you have been to me. Happy Mother's Day to all of you.

[..Michelle..]

I know just how you feel. I cried myself to sleep last night after staring at my sons photographs on the wall. He was born with cerebral palsy, spinal menengitis, and lung problems. He was on Earth for 5 days and 14 hours.
I just want today to be over with. I have already had some people wish me a Happy Mothers day but without my angel Roman in my arms, it feels like a Crappy Mothers Day
Today we are going to his gravesite and I know I'm just going to lose it again. I miss him soooo much!
Words can't properly express how truly awful I feel for all our losses, whether an early term birth loss or for those mothers who never got to see their childs face
Big giant huge 's to all of us. May next years Mothers Day be easier and hopefully filled with a baby in our arms as well as our hearts!

[jen805]

SailorsWife--No need to ever apologize! You're completely right, we have every right to grieve for as long as necessary... and everyone deals with grief differently and for different lengths of time. I know that for me, I'm tired of people acting as though because I didn't give birth, and 'know' my angel, that I couldn't possibly have been attached, so therefore, more than a year later I should be "over it"... however, I'm not... I just hide it really well now. The only place that I find any comfort and support is through the support system of my online friends that know all too well the horrors and angst... the complete soul destroying effects of a m/c. If any good came from the hell I've endured, it's the friendship's that I've built, and for that, at least, I'll be forever grateful...

[missy123]

I am crying so hard right now that I can't really write much. It is like you took every feeling, every heartache every piece of everything I have felt and thought and put it on paper. I know what you mean, I feel all of it.

Many hugs.
Missy

[..Penelope..]

You don't need to apologize. I go back to that day, and the first few weeks after, so often, and it can be triggered by anything - a word, a song. I think that it's something that will always be part of me. It was actually cathartic in a way to read your words, and to cry.

I do believe that we should be able to grieve and to talk about our angels, and our losses, as much as we need to. We are the ones who will bring more awareness to the world, so that those after us might find a less cold and more understanding place in which to grieve. Because as much as we wish we could prevent anyone else from feeling the grief that we've experienced, there will be more. I believe that one gift that comes from a loss is the ability to reach out to those who feel forgotten, and make a true difference to them. I'm so thankful for that.

*HUGS*

[Trish36]

I'm sorry that you are hurting so badly today. You are absolutely right that we should be able to show our feelings and grieve just like anyone else who has lost someone, without people commenting on how we should move on or be thankful for what we have. I'm sick and tired of hearing that too.
I know right now you are scared to try for another child and feel like you would be 'betraying' the one you lost, but there will always be room in your heart for all your children. That's what being a mother is all about.

[tobynscarlett]

Honey, I know this is such a hard time for you right now. It breaks my heart that you are having such a difficult time. I can tell you this- no matter how many children you have (before or after your loss) it will never take away the pain of losing your baby. The pain you feel is so real and raw right now, but one day you will be able to think about your baby and smile. Just know that you are the only thing that little one ever knew- your baby never felt any pain, no one ever hurt those little feelings, it never knew hunger or fear. Your unconditional love is the only thing your baby ever knew. So, when you ask if your baby knew you loved it, the answer is that your baby never knew anything but your love.
When I lost Zachary at 17 weeks I was completely devastated. I had no idea where to turn or what to do. The only thing I knew to do was find other women who had losses and just ask them "How do I wake up tommorrow and keep breathing?" Some had answers and some had no clue what to say. One of the feelings I felt most strongly was guilt. I felt guilty when something threatened to make me laugh, I felt guilty that I still wanted to have a baby even though I had just lost one, I felt guilty because I didn't know something was wrong with him and didn't know that he had passed away until I had an ultrasound. Then, I was blessed with a phone call. There is a woman in my church (her youngest son and mine are only 1 week difference in age) that lost her twin boys before she had her last son. I had known for a while that she had a loss (around 22wks) but like so many others I changed the subject when she talked about them. This woman called me the night after Zachary was born, she KNEW I needed someone to talk to. I told her all of the thing I was feeling and how I didn't understand how God could do something like this. Her reply is one that I will never forget. She told me to ask myself what my baby would say to me if I had the chance to talk to him. He would say "Mommy, I want you to be happy and I want you to laugh. I want you to have more babies to hold and to love. I will always be here with you and I love you very much, but I don't want to be the reason you are sad." Just hearing someone else say those words to me gave me such a peace in my heart. It was like Zachary was giving me 'permission' to go on without him here physically. I was able to laugh without feeling guilty and to cry when I felt sad. I even had dreams about him that I woke up smiling from. I still have hard moments but those are just moments now. I used to have hard weeks, then hard days. Gradually I realized that I was having difficult hours that have slowly dwindled into difficult moments.
I have never forgotten about him, but now the thoughts are happy ones. All of our children know his story (age appropriate) and know his name. His urn sits on the mantle in my living room along with his memory box and the original drawing an artist created of what he may have looked like at full term (it's in my siggy). He is not forgotten, but his memory doesn't automatically bring grief. I don't hide my loss, I talk about it very openly. I don't really care what others have to say about my openness- usually I hear "We lost one too, but we don't talk about it much." It makes me so sad to know that so many women out there could be helping each other, but instead they remain silent.
As for your feelings about God and why He would do this to you. Feelings are a strange thing and can cause so much pain. The opposite of love is NOT hate- it is indifference. Just because you are feeling hate and anger, it doesn't mean that there is no more love left in your heart. You are in great pain right now and anger is a way to release it. Unfortunately, your anger is at God. I hope I am not getting too personal here, but since you mentioned your feeling towards God I can only assume that at one point you had faith that God would protect and comfort you. Now you feel betrayed and abandoned. I can tell you that God has never left your side throughout everything. He has been there when you were crying and wanting to yell at Him and He will be there when that hatred subsides. I know this because I have been there. After lots of prayer that God give me a REASON!!! That He give me something to work towards and a legacy for Zachary, the ONE thing taht surfaces above all others is that God allowed (not caused- I personally make a distinction between 'causing' something to happen and 'allowing' things to happen) Zachary to come in to my life and leave so quickly to show me His love for me. I know this sounds like a contradiction, but until I lost Zachary I had never had the opportunity to FEEL God carry me through anything. I have always prayed and thought I had 'faith', but until I had to literally ask God to carry me through the days after my loss I had never known what that was like. I can tell you that it wasn't fun or easy, but I now have a new knowledge of what Faith is. It is amazing to me now. When I look back I just don't know how I could have possibly gotten out of bed without God's love. I pray that you find this peace for yourself and have the opportunity to move forward. You will never get over it and you will still have hard times, but I pray that those hard days slowly turn into difficult moments and that one day you will be able to say "Thank You God, Thank You for my baby that I lost- because of THAT child I now know what LOVE is."

Happy Mother's Day!

[Boble]

oh hun, don't ever feel like you need to apoligise.. you are among friends here who understand.

Kary - I also named my last little angel baby "Hope" because for the 4 weeks I knew about my pregnancy (bfp 14th dec... mc 14th Jan ) she gave me all the hope in the world...she tried so so hard, heartbeat and all.. and I had so much Hope that she would be our forever baby. I don't know for sure that she was a girl or not.. but in my heart from before i even got my bfp i was sure she was... I would like to name my other 2 angels too but I haven't found the right names for them just yet... and it is harder because I dont' know what they were - I had no inkling or feelings.

I did find feel that naming our angels is a great way to move forward to a certain degree.. small steps, one at a time... thats how I "cope" anyway.

big hugs to all you wonderful women!

[missy123]

Heather, thank you for sharing so much of that. You helped me a little today.

[tobynscarlett]

Missy123- You are welcome. I hope that by sharing our stories we can help lots of women out there that know the pain of loss too well.

[SailorsWife]

Originally Posted by tobynscarlett

Honey, I know this is such a hard time for you right now. It breaks my heart that you are having such a difficult time. I can tell you this- no matter how many children you have (before or after your loss) it will never take away the pain of losing your baby. The pain you feel is so real and raw right now, but one day you will be able to think about your baby and smile. Just know that you are the only thing that little one ever knew- your baby never felt any pain, no one ever hurt those little feelings, it never knew hunger or fear. Your unconditional love is the only thing your baby ever knew. So, when you ask if your baby knew you loved it, the answer is that your baby never knew anything but your love.
When I lost Zachary at 17 weeks I was completely devastated. I had no idea where to turn or what to do. The only thing I knew to do was find other women who had losses and just ask them "How do I wake up tommorrow and keep breathing?" Some had answers and some had no clue what to say. One of the feelings I felt most strongly was guilt. I felt guilty when something threatened to make me laugh, I felt guilty that I still wanted to have a baby even though I had just lost one, I felt guilty because I didn't know something was wrong with him and didn't know that he had passed away until I had an ultrasound. Then, I was blessed with a phone call. There is a woman in my church (her youngest son and mine are only 1 week difference in age) that lost her twin boys before she had her last son. I had known for a while that she had a loss (around 22wks) but like so many others I changed the subject when she talked about them. This woman called me the night after Zachary was born, she KNEW I needed someone to talk to. I told her all of the thing I was feeling and how I didn't understand how God could do something like this. Her reply is one that I will never forget. She told me to ask myself what my baby would say to me if I had the chance to talk to him. He would say "Mommy, I want you to be happy and I want you to laugh. I want you to have more babies to hold and to love. I will always be here with you and I love you very much, but I don't want to be the reason you are sad." Just hearing someone else say those words to me gave me such a peace in my heart. It was like Zachary was giving me 'permission' to go on without him here physically. I was able to laugh without feeling guilty and to cry when I felt sad. I even had dreams about him that I woke up smiling from. I still have hard moments but those are just moments now. I used to have hard weeks, then hard days. Gradually I realized that I was having difficult hours that have slowly dwindled into difficult moments.
I have never forgotten about him, but now the thoughts are happy ones. All of our children know his story (age appropriate) and know his name. His urn sits on the mantle in my living room along with his memory box and the original drawing an artist created of what he may have looked like at full term (it's in my siggy). He is not forgotten, but his memory doesn't automatically bring grief. I don't hide my loss, I talk about it very openly. I don't really care what others have to say about my openness- usually I hear "We lost one too, but we don't talk about it much." It makes me so sad to know that so many women out there could be helping each other, but instead they remain silent.
As for your feelings about God and why He would do this to you. Feelings are a strange thing and can cause so much pain. The opposite of love is NOT hate- it is indifference. Just because you are feeling hate and anger, it doesn't mean that there is no more love left in your heart. You are in great pain right now and anger is a way to release it. Unfortunately, your anger is at God. I hope I am not getting too personal here, but since you mentioned your feeling towards God I can only assume that at one point you had faith that God would protect and comfort you. Now you feel betrayed and abandoned. I can tell you that God has never left your side throughout everything. He has been there when you were crying and wanting to yell at Him and He will be there when that hatred subsides. I know this because I have been there. After lots of prayer that God give me a REASON!!! That He give me something to work towards and a legacy for Zachary, the ONE thing taht surfaces above all others is that God allowed (not caused- I personally make a distinction between 'causing' something to happen and 'allowing' things to happen) Zachary to come in to my life and leave so quickly to show me His love for me. I know this sounds like a contradiction, but until I lost Zachary I had never had the opportunity to FEEL God carry me through anything. I have always prayed and thought I had 'faith', but until I had to literally ask God to carry me through the days after my loss I had never known what that was like. I can tell you that it wasn't fun or easy, but I now have a new knowledge of what Faith is. It is amazing to me now. When I look back I just don't know how I could have possibly gotten out of bed without God's love. I pray that you find this peace for yourself and have the opportunity to move forward. You will never get over it and you will still have hard times, but I pray that those hard days slowly turn into difficult moments and that one day you will be able to say "Thank You God, Thank You for my baby that I lost- because of THAT child I now know what LOVE is."

Happy Mother's Day!

I don't even know what to say. This was very hard to read, because unfortunately yes I'm very angry at God right now and it's hard to believe that he is helping me at the moment. Yes you're right I did once have faith in Him. Now I don't know what I have faith in. But under all of that, this was also one of the most helpful posts I have read so far. What you said about my baby never knowing anything but my love..... it instantly felt like this massive weight was taken off my shoulders and my eyes actually opened. Thank you. Thank you for that.