am I a bad person

FruitLoopLace · #1 May 15th, 2009, 04:08 PM

okay, I am going to be blunt and out right honest, because I have NOTHING else to loose. I am in the middle of a m/c, which means, they told me last monday there was no HB. I weight about 320pds, yes I am terribly fat, and I have gestational Diabetes. I have had 5 children in the last 5 yrs. All were surrogacies but my last which was mine and my husbands. All were clomid babies because of my weight and PCOS I cannot ovulate on my own, well I did, that is how I got preggers this time, without trying. It was only 3 months since I had my son when I found out I was pregnant again. I was excited, overwhelmed and scared. I have never had aM/C, until now, I still havent even started to M/C, cramp nothing. And here I sit, wishing it would just either be okay or get over with! I feel terrrible. I also feel terrrible because logically, i should WAIT to get pregnant again, my body has not had time to rest, and i feel that it is my fault for this, the weight, the diabetes, the not knowing I could ovulate on my own, I feel like i put my baby in jeproday, but now that I am loosingthis one, all I want is to have a healthy pregnancy right away! WHY!!!??? I should wait, but I dont want to. I dont know how to deal with this, or if I want to. I am sorry for soundling like a lunitic. I just am so confused,I feel mad, guilty, ashamed, devastated and sad.

..Jessica.. · #2 May 15th, 2009, 04:15 PM

Oh girl...

You have every right to be upset!!! Don't even apologize for the rant either!!!

I'm really sorry you're going through this right now, and everything else you've been through in the last few years!!!

The weight, you can fix, yes it won't be easy, but if you put your mind to it..you will fix it. Don't feel down girl!!! I'm not a tiny girl either!!!!

I'm thinking of you!!

missy123 · #3 May 15th, 2009, 04:19 PM

Oh sweetheart, you are feeling most of the things that I have and am feeling now. You are definately NOT a lunatic. I wish there was something that could be done so we don't feel this emotional pain. It is such a rollercoaster and completely consumes ones life. The only thing I can say is it does get easier. I know it's hard to fathom with what you are feeling now, but as I look back to how I felt a month ago I do see progress with myself.

It is ok to feel what you are feeling, it is normal, you are not crazy. It is an unfortunate part of the loss.

Many, Many hugs to you.

tobynscarlett · #4 May 15th, 2009, 04:25 PM

Just so I understand- does that mean that you carried 5 babies for other women and then lost the one that belonged to you and your DH? I am not trying to pry, but just curious since you mentioned it.

I am so sorry you are going through this right now, it is very difficult and sometimes the guilt can be overwhelming. Just know that you did nothing wrong and did not cause your baby any harm. You may feel that you could have prevented this, but the truth is you couldn't. You never intentionally harmed your body to cause problems with your baby. Please don't blame yourself.

As for waiting, if you feel like you should get your body in better shape so that you can concieve again then by all means do so. Having so many children so quickly is very hard on your body. I have been pregnant every year since 2005 and know how draining it can be. I even saw a nutritionist and had my vitamin and mineral levels checked- they were very low and my body is just not storing what it should because my reserves have been so depleted. You will feel much better physically and emotionally if you take some time to take care of your body- not to mention the demands that a newborn places on you.

Wait to TTC as long as you are comfortable, but as so many of us know, the desire to TTC is at it's most extreme after a loss. So we understand. I will be thinking about you and praying for you!!

FruitLoopLace · #5 May 15th, 2009, 04:44 PM

I had 4 babies for other people, the last one for ourselves, he is now 4 and a half months, but this one I am loosing is ours also, but without any medical intervention.

thanks for the support.

tobynscarlett · #6 May 15th, 2009, 04:53 PM

Wow, that is wonderful that you gave other women the chance to have children. That is a very special thing to do. That just proves that you are not a bad person. It must be very bittersweet to hold your son and know you have lost the baby you are holding inside. Please keep us updated on your progress, we are always here for you!!!

szczepanski · #7 May 15th, 2009, 05:07 PM

I am so sorry you are going through this. I just recently got through my miscarriage. I felt just like you did - like I failed my baby and my body failed me. I also was so confused because I had been pregnant before, at 18, with a baby I didn't want and couldn't grow up fast enough to assume responsibility for. I was a selfish 18 year old but I decided to have the baby and I placed her with a family that loves her and takes amazing care of her.

The first time I am ready, married and prepared to have a baby and make the appropriate changes in my life to raise a child and I miscarry. Its devastating.

Just remember that you deserve time to heal and if you aren't ready to try right away - there is no reason not to wait. And if you do want to try again right away (I am currently waiting for AF to show so we can start trying..I will have waited one cycle), you know it is the right decision for you and your family.

Lots of hugs sweetie.

Trish36 · #8 May 15th, 2009, 05:20 PM

You are not a bad person. I have gone through a range of emotions when I had my m/c. I think the only thing that brought me out of my despair was the knowledge that I was going to try again as soon as possible. I totally understand that you are torn between wanting another one quickly and feeling like you are betraying the one you are still carying inside. We are here for you!! HUGS!!!

.:Shortcake:. · #9 May 15th, 2009, 05:30 PM

Huge hugs hun. I'm so sorry your going through this right now. We all know how hard it is to lose a baby and then wanting to be pg again is all we want.

rhyssa · #10 May 15th, 2009, 05:51 PM

you are a great person, giving other women the chance to be a mum!
Rant all you like, thats what we are here for!

Kary♥RN · #11 May 15th, 2009, 06:13 PM

You are not a bad person, and the feelings are so normal!!! I wish you didn't have to go through this, I am so sorry.

twoboys · #12 May 15th, 2009, 07:43 PM

I think you are having normal emotions after m/c, we all want to be pregnant right away.. you are not a horrible person, look at the wonderful things that you have done for 4 families.. your an amazing person.. good things will come to you!! ((((hugs))))

ilovefh · #13 May 16th, 2009, 06:04 AM

You're not a lunatic! It was good to read your post because I feel the same way about a lot of it. I'm angry, I'm sad and most of all I want to get pregnant ASAP! I am also overweight and the Dr. told me to wait 3 months to get pregnant in the hopes that I will lose some weight. I didn't have gestational diabetes....yet.....so they put me on the GD diet as a preventative measure so I am going to stay on that and DH and I will go back to the gym. We were going, but then because of the bleeding I was told not to until second trimester. I don't know if we will actually wait the three months, but we'll see. I'm still in the surreal, angry and sad stage where sometimes I can't even believe what happened. It's like if I tell people I had a m/c I'm ok, but if I actually think about what a m/c is, the meaning behind the word, I am devastated! I know how you're feeling!

It's so wonderful that you helped other families by being a surrogate. I can only imagine that adds to your sadness this week! Remember you are a truly great and giving person!

jen805 · #14 May 16th, 2009, 07:14 AM

What a generous, amazing spirit you have!

To bring a life into the world for someone else is truly inspiring! A m/c is soul destroying and can leave you feeling angry, bitter, lonely and lost. Unfortunately it's all a normal part of the grieving process, and every deals with it differently. Just know that you're among friends that understand--there's no need to apologize--we ALL share your pain with you, and that's why we're here!

~Lynda~ · #15 May 16th, 2009, 11:19 AM

that is a beautiful thing you did for those other women!!!! i know how you feel about wanting another pregnancy right away. I think that is because we are so devastated over the loss of the other pregnancy. it's normal!!! i'll tell you one thing my dr. said when i asked her how long till i could ttc again... she said, go for it, cause your body isn't going to do anything it's not ready for and mentally it may help you!!! my two cycles after my m/c were so screwed up there was no way I was going to get a bfp. so i believe she is right... i'm on my third cycle waiting to O and hoping it's more normal this time around. G/L to you and follow your heart!

FruitLoopLace · #16 May 16th, 2009, 01:41 PM

thanks again, I struggle daily, I know I wont loose all this, and right now, lossing is harder than ever, I just keep eating and eating. I am trying to take away the word hate from my vocab, it is not how God wants me to see it. I am sure it is normal, but the more I say it, I think the angerier I become. Thanks for the support AGAIN. I am trying to do my best on this, and I think until it is just OVER, it wont be OVER. I am not what to do about getting pregnant, I think about it and what I should do, isnt going along with what I WANT to do.

KDD · #17 May 16th, 2009, 03:31 PM

Along with a m/c comes a huge amount of varying emotions. It's normal to feel like you do. And certainly normal to feel confused too. I wouldn't make any decisions either way until after it is all over. No matter what you decide to do, we will be here for you.

starrsgirl · #18 May 17th, 2009, 09:03 PM

Just wanted to say I was thinking of you in this difficult time. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it's so confusing because you feel that, after a loss, it must have been because of something you did or you deserved. Well, it's not!! There is no God on this planet that would be so cruel to punish us with this sort of loss...I truly believe that. Though there may be bigger reasons than us, you cannot let this loss eat you up and continue to blame yourself. What you are feeling is totally normal. You will never "get over it" but one day you might wake up and notice that the sun is shining a little brighter than yesterday.

~~~Sara~~~ · #19 May 17th, 2009, 10:00 PM

I am so sorry about your loss and totally understandable that you just want to be pregnant again.

Take some time to get through this and I am sure your OB can help you get pregnent again and have a healthy pregnancy! Hugs to you!