[~~~Sara~~~]

Maybe this belongs in pregnancy loss, but I know you girls better.

Do you ever feel like you just repress your feelings about your loss? I almost feel so broken because I just can not think about it too much, which means I feel like I am not dealing with it and therefore I feel like I am just slipping away. I am not myself, I feel a little crazy.

I have never felt like this before. I will feel on the verge of a melt down and then I just almost try to put the loss out of my mind like it didn't happen. It occurred to me to call my counselor that I saw after my brother passed away, but as the mom of a special needs toddler, I don't have time to see a counselor, at least not more than a couple times.

Anyway just for those of you that do not know this was our second loss this year, first was just shy of 8 weeks and this one was almost 14 weeks. We found out our baby was a girl and it was a pretty traumatic loss as my water broke and I had her at home and had to take her to my doctors office to send for testing. Now I just feel weird about the whole thing and when I think about what happened, I feel so traumatized, but I don't know what to do now..... I am not sure what I am asking for, but please share your own feelings or any advice is welcome too.

[farasha]

Sara -
I wish I had the right advice to give you sweetie, or just the ability to give you a real hug!!! I find myself searching for the same kind of help. I walk around so traumatized that I don't think I'm really allowing myself to grieve this second loss like I did the first. Most of the time I tell myself it didn't happen and I just feel numb. The only thing that has been really helping me is to spend time doing tons of research on miscarriages or spending time with DH. But, I've shied away from any other social encounters, and we've had so much other things go wrong these last couple weeks that we haven't even been able to spend any QT together.

I'm not sure what we need. If I didn't have the girls on this board (I haven't gotten close to anyone on another board), then I'm not sure who else I could talk to. I've thought about counseling, but I almost feel I need to talk to people who know what it's like to have a loss. I've been thinking that I might take a road trip to get away and clear my head, or maybe to start journaling. I'd definitely be interested in more ideas...

[starrsgirl]

Hang in there and remember that everything you are feeling is normal. If you are thinking about checking in with your counselor, maybe it's a good idea and that would help you out. There are so many different stages. Sometimes you want everyone to know...sometimes you want to pretend like it never happened and just get on with it. Keep talking (typing!) to us...we are all hear to listen. And the cool thing is that we have all been there and understand.

[PixieQueen]

Big hugs Sara! I can't tell you how to feel, but I will tell you that as the mom of a special needs toddler, you HAVE to make some time for yourself. If you start falling apart because you aren't taking the time you need, you won't be doing Carter any good. I would definitely make an appt with your grief counselor. Even if it's on a last minute schedule just here or there, I think it would do you some good, and I think that having an emotionally healthy mommy is going to be most beneficial to Carter.

Oh Sara, I know what you're saying about feeling traumatized. I lost my one and only at almost 14 weeks (the day before my first u/s so I never got to see/hear a hb, etc.) I started cramping and passed out in my bathroom in the middle of the night from the pain. Went to the doc, then went to the hospital and gushed blood all day. My hemoglobin went from 14 to 7 in a matter of hours. There was another woman going through a m/c and her tube was bursting or about to so they had all the surgeons working on her. I had to wait to get into surgery from 8 am til 8 pm.

When I came home I couldn't even function. As the weeks went by I got better but when AF showed and I saw that blood it was like I was starting all over again. It took me several months to feel like I was moving on. It was always like 1 step forward 5 steps back.

So long story short, traumatizing is the exact right word to use. I am so sorry you've gone through two losses and the fact that you had her at home and had to bring her for testing is so heartbreaking. I just cannot imagine. I still try not to go in the bathroom where I started m/c and it's been over a year and a half. So you are not the only "crazy" one. My advice is to talk about it with someone you're very comfortable with b/c talking about it helps more than bottling it all up.

I wish I could give you a big hug and take care of your little guy while you had some "me" time.

[tobynscarlett]

That must be very hard for you to deal with. I know I had a hard time making the final arrangements for Zachary, and I had hospital staff to guide me and answer my questions. I can imagine how difficult it would have been to deliver at home and not have anyone to handle the transportation to the dr's office. I am sure it was one of those situations where it felt totally surreal- carrying your baby into the dr's office, waiting for someone to come in and talk to you, then having to leave your daughter there. It must have felt like an out of body experience, something you NEVER thought you would have to do, then suddenly you have no choice but to go through the motions.

It seems like it would probably help you a lot to talk to a counselor- especially one you trust and have seen before. I have found that just telling my story and simply saying the words is very therapeutic. It's when I don't talk about it (or can't) that I really feel the effects of my loss build up. I start getting very depressed and find myself crying at random times. The fact that I feel so lost gets to me as much as the loss itself. I swear, at this time, if I wasn't pg already I would have given up TTC because I am having such a difficult time with his loss. My EDD is coming up on Monday, I haven't reminded anyone (not even DH) and it is killing me. It is so difficult to even think about anything else right now. I am sure I am late paying some bills right now, but I just don't care. The $$ is in the bank, but I don't even care if the checks get written- that is very unlike me. I can tell when the depression starts coming on because I lose the desire to go anywhere or don't care about the things I normally take care of.

With you being a mom of a special needs cutie, I am sure the pressure is even worse. You should talk to someone, even if it is only a few times. I wish I lived near you so I could babysit for you Other than that, you always have the ladies here. Also, have you thought about writing a letter to your baby??? That is a hard one, filled with tons of tears, but it would feel so good to get some of those feelings out. Whatever you decide to do, please stick around and let us support you.

[~~~Sara~~~]

Thanks ladies. I know what you mean Ericka about the bathroom, I feel flashbacks when I go in there, but it's our master bath so I use it a lot.

And thanks Karissa, I needed to hear that about needing to be a healthy mommy for my little man Carter who brightens all my days.

Ah, I am so thankful to have you ladies.

[~Angela~]

I remember feeling like that. It took me a couple weeks to come to grips with what happened and what it meant to my future. It was pretty horrid. I wish you didn't have to go through this again. My heart is breaking for you and what your going through.

[KDD]

My loss was over a year ago and I still have good days and bad days. I still think about going to talk to a professional about it. I was so grateful to be able to talk to my coworker after it happened. She had 3 losses before she had her son so she understood how I was feeling.

[L-SBB]

Sara honey i wish i could just come over and give you a big hug! You've been through so much with these losses and it's absolutely traumatic so no wonder you're having trouble coping with it.

I was so depressed after my loss that I thought seriously about seeing a therapist - I couldn't even think about the baby without just crying and crying, and at some point I realized it wasn't helping me even work through the grief...it just felt like endless sadness for what I had lost. I eventually worked through a lot of it here on JM just talking with everyone and finding hope here in TTCAL...but seeing a counselor - especially if you already know one you have built a trust relationship with - sounds like something that could really help you right now.

We're all here for you whatever you decide you need...don't hesitate to PM me if you ever want to talk one-on-one...we'll help you get through this. HUGS

[..Jessica..]

Sara,

We all have those days and I really wish we didn't. I'm really sorry sweetie!!!

[Boble]

Sara - sorry to hear you are having a rough time. i think, even if you can only go a few times, that the cousellor would be a good idea... it may just give you that extra little bit of help you need to start feeling more like yourself.
*hugs* i hope you feel better

[charm]

Sara I really feel for you I feel what your going through is our normal (anyone who has experinced loss) I feel my M/C has effected me more than the loss of my mother which sounds crazy but it's the way I feel and I have been using TTC to try to cheer me up and give me something to look forward to although when the bfn come it all crashes down it's a horrible cycle I hope you find the peace you are looking for remember you are allowed to grieve and it's a differnt process for everyone goodluck.

[.:Shortcake:.]

Huge hugs hun! I think back to my m/c everyday. I think some parts my mind blocks out because it is so painful to think about. But I try everyday to keep my head up and keep hoping that another BFP is just around the corner.

[amandakay29]

Sara I wish I could be there to give you a big hug. Even if you can only go a couple times maybe it would be good to see a counselor. I wish I had after I miscarried. I think my DH wanted me to at some point even. Please take care of you so you can be there for you sweet baby boy Carter. (On a side note I want to see more Carter pics!!! He's such a doll) We are here for you!!!!!