[charlierays]

Hello Ladies...First I want to say that I have been lurking here and your journeys have really touched me and have helped me validate my feelings. This time has been difficult, as I know you all can relate.

After almost 4 years of TTC, including 3 years w/MA and a dangerous ectopic pregnancy conceived with IVF, DH and I were blessed with our beautiful son in Feb '08 (IVF#2). He brightens our everyday and we honestly don't know what we would have done without him.

Well to our complete and total suprise, we found out we were pregnant naturally at the end of last year. Unfortunately it ended at 5.5 weeks with a natural mc. Then it happened again in February, soon after we found out my SIL was preggo...due 2 weeks before me. We were cautiously optimistic. Although everything was looking great (strong hb) I was so scared. At my 9 weeks check (the day after we announced to the family), there was no cardiac activity and I had a d&c 2 days later on 4/15. The devastation has been horrible. I spend my days thinking and crying and wondering why and what will be.

This whole thing is made so much worse by my SIL who is now 16 weeks along. Its like I am being severely punished for something. It should be me. And this may sound cruel and mean but honestly, (long story) she doesn't deserve this and I feel bad for this child and his/her circumstances. Oh how do I deal with all of this.

I think the hardest part of all of this is everyone ignoring my feelings. The entire world goes on around me and not one person has tried to validate my grief. To me its like ignoring the big pink elephant in the room. When I am around others I have to wear a happy face...I hate it. I just want to grieve! So i avoid people as much as possible. Unfortunately we've had a string of communions/confirmations/birthday parties. And a few people actually congratulated me thinking I was still pregnant. OMG HORRIBLE. I don't think I can live through this anymore. I want to run away.

Its now been 5 weeks since the d&c and I am still waiting for AF. (btw, genetic testing on the "remains" showed no genetic abnormalities). I need AF to happen soon. This is my closure...hopefully. And then we can get some testing done and think about trying again. I need to get back up on that horse...the yearning for another child is so strong. I almost wish I can start now.

Anyway, thank you for listening, ladies!

[mlyster]

Charlierays... welcome to the board. We don't like having to welcome new members because it means they have gone through this pain but the ladies here are great.

Your story is much like so many here. One like in particular related to me so much. "I think the hardest part of all of this is everyone ignoring my feelings" I agree with this one completely. On my particularly bad days I feel like no one remembers or cares how hard it is to deal with this loss. But people who have not gone through it do not and can not understand it. That is why we are here for each other!

I also feel for you in watching your SIL go through a pregnancy. My sister is due any day (our babies would have been 5 months apart) and she was not trying nor did they want to be pregnant. They were "preventing" and accidentally got pregnant. We were trying, got pregnant but miscarried... anyway... enough about me. Welcome and I am sure these ladies will help you out as much as they have helped me.

[~~~Sara~~~]

It's a strange place to say welcome, but since you belong here, I hope I can walk along your TTC journey with you and you get your BFP that sticks. I know many of us understand the devastation, after going through 2 miscarriages myself, just this year, I know what you mean about putting on a happy face, and also having to be around other pregnant women who really are in no position to have a baby, that is tough. I can't explain why and I know it's not fair!

I know personally I will be waiting a couple months to TTC this time, which is tough. I would love to you know your first name, I'm Sara.

Hugs to you, and again I am so sorry for your losses.

[farasha]

I wish I could hug every person who came to this board. I am so sorry that we've been through this, but you are welcome here just the same. Loss is not easy to deal with, and trying to get pregnant again after a loss can be terrifying. But we are all here to help each other through it, because you are right, no one else can really understand what we are going through.

hope you find the support you need here. I've had two losses this year, and I don't know what I would do if I couldn't come here! Everyone expects me to get over this quickly like nothing is wrong and like I haven't lost my children. It's very important to have a place to express how you feel and ask questions. Please talk to us whenever you want!! The good news is that we have great success stories from this board, and there is plenty of hope!!!!!

[Trish36]

Welcome Charlierays and I'm really sorry for what you are going through. You can count on all of us to give you the support you need and a shoulder to cry on. It's just not fair on so many different levels, but we all understand and can hopefully brighten your day a bit. HUGS!!!! Hopefully AF will show up quick so that you can ttc again.

[..Jessica..]

Oh hun, I'm so so sorry!!!!

Welcome aboard, and feel free to jump into everything we have going on here!!

I'm terribly sorry for your losses!!!!! I know the feeling of wanting to run away and its not fun at all!

We're here for you!!!

[charlierays]

Thank you all so much! My name is Dorothy (32) DH is Jamie (33) and DS is Charlie (15 months), hence my user name (because he's my ray of sunshine)...

DH has been my only shoulder...but there are limitations to that. I guess for some reason their grief (or maybe just his) is inherently different. And there are times that he simply does not know what to do to help me. I'm really glad that I found this board.

[mlyster]

men definitely deal/grieve differently. My DH is the same way - just doesn't always know what to do with me... but usually he just hugs me until I feel better. He is learning!

You will find more than a shoulder around here

[Momeejenjen]

I completely understand what you are saying.. it's very difficult.. even now I struggle with it.. my best friend was pregnant just 2 weeks after I found out... we were so excited to be pregnant together.. we even got married close to the same time, she is 2 weeks from her due date and today was my due date. I had made it all the way to 11 weeks before we realized my babies heart had stopped beating sometime after our 9 weeks ultrasound... I can't say it gets an easier... just more bareable really... you know that the dreaded days are approaching... the only thing thats pulled me through and gotten my mind on other things is trying for another baby... although today is no easier to face.

((HUGS)) My heart goes out to you, and I am so sorry for everything you are going through

Dorothy, welcome to the board, I'm glad you joined us although I wish no one had to join a board like this You know what I mean.

I know what you mean about watching someone else being pg that is about as far along as you should be. I had two good friends that were pg at the same time and we were all due within a couple weeks of eachother. It's TOUGH. Why do their bodies work fine and mine doesn't? That's what I'd think anyway.... But it'll get better once AF shows and you can start moving ahead. Right now it's kinda of a "stuck" feeling. You can't really TTC and you might feel guilty wanting to "replace" your pregnancy, although that's totally the natural feeling. I hope you find some comfort here and I look forward to getting to know you better.

[amandakay29]

I'm sooo sorry for you loss. The girls here are great. And it's there is no "pink elephant" in the room here. Nobody out in the real world ever talked about miscarriages at least to me. And when I found this place it made me feel like I wasn't alone. I hope AF shows soon so you can ttc again.

[.:Shortcake:.]

Welcome. Sorry you have to be here. I pray your TTC journey is short and ends with a forever baby soon.

[FruitLoopLace]

hello, I am new here too and to all of this including miscarrage, I am going through my first one, and I am sorry for what you have been through. I understand your feelings. ((HUGS))

[Boble]

Dorothy, so sorry to hear you are going through this.. one m/c is devastating.... 2 is just plain cruel. *hugs*

I hope you get the support you need from here like so many of us have. We are here for you and we understand you! Good luck with your ttc journey xx

[Elijah'sMommy]

Hello Dorothy. It is always bittersweet to welcome someone to this board. I am very sorry to hear about your losses. You will find that the women on this board are so wonderful and supportive. I hope that your AF shows soon (mine took a very long 3 months after my m/c in Dec) before I had a cycle. I wish you all the best in your TTC journey.

[twoboys]

I am so sorry for your loss.. the girls in here are amazing.. really really supportive and understanding, I couldnt have gotten through my m/c without all you guys!! thanks!!

[tobynscarlett]

Hey Sweetie,

Welcome to the board, I am happy that you are coming out of the shadows to join us. I can safely say that there is no other place to find such wonderful women who understand your feelings so much. You are never ignored here and just as importantly, we aren't afraid to talk about your loss. I have always felt that people were scared of me after my loss and avoided me for several months, now they just act like nothing ever happened. It is frustrating to say the least!!!

Jump in and start posting, we can't wait to get to know you better!!!

[charm]

Hello and welcome all the girls around here are fantastic for all the support needed as I know myself my Dh could only listen to so much I find it such a comfort to come to this forum for all the wonderful support so goodluck and nice to meet you.

[mum74]

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how hard it would be to have someone so close to you at the same stage of pregnancy. My SIL is pregnant too but is further enough ahead of where I was that I don't find that too hard. For me the hardest has been the first pregnancy announcement amongst my friends since my m/c. I am so happy for them but I admit I did shed a few tears of sadness for myself after they had told us (after they'd gone home). Just because she is 10 weeks and I should be 17 weeks...I SHOULD be more pregnant than her and...nothing. So I understand your feelings - I can't tell you how long it will take to get over because for me, the thought of her being heavily pregnant on my original due date is really hard...and that's still 5 months away...

[Kary♥RN]

Dorothy I am so sorry for your loss, but welcome to the board. As I read your story I can relate on so many levels. I am Kary (34). I do have one son he is 18 yo. My dh and I have been together for 16 years.. marriesd for 11 years on Sat. We have not needed MA to concieve. We had a chemical pregnancy on Nov 11, and than had a BFP on Jan 2nd on Jan 22 we had a hb a little slow (they told us it could of just started) so they brought us back in on the 29th and no hb. I had a d/e on Feb 6th.

My SIL and brother annouced to the family the week of Christmas they were expecting. (2 weeks ahead of were I should be) We annouced to the family after we saw the hb. (I wish I would have known a slower hb could of ment a problem, we would have never told the family) I know sit here.. feeling the exact same way as you about my SIL.. She dosen't deserve to be pregnant with my neice (yes it is a girl.. the same as what my baby would have been) like you said.. it is a long story.. and a deserving one for me to have the feelings that I do. It feels like I am being punished EVERY time I see her. Your feelings are validated.. PM me if you ever need to blow off steam.. I can understand EXACTLY they way you are feeling.. HUGS