[sallyk61]

So I got a + opk monday morning, dtd monday morning, night and tuesday night (with an indredible amount of drama...). We had also dtd sunday afternoon BUT not since early the week before...

SO my beautiful hubby is now starting to show his loss and everything through REALLY struggling to dtd...
We are so young and we have NEVER and I mean NEVER had any issues EVER!! Not even when he has been insanely drunk...

Im so scared this has counted us out, I dont know what I am going to do if I dont get pregnant and last cycle I didnt resent him for it but the anger is starting to build, which I know will NOT help him or the situation....

I know he is starting to worry that if I do maybe we will have to terminate this baby, and that is a huge part of the problem but where do I go know? I dont even know how to help him....

[.:Shortcake:.]

Maybe try making it feel less like baby making and more intimate. Try seducing him.... lol That helped my DH when I was putting too much pressure on him.

[Kary♥RN]

I think you are both putting to much pressure on eachother... (I had this happen today..) This is supposed to be love making, fun, sensual.. When the pressure's on, I don't think anyone can ahhum get to the happy ending.. I wish we all could just get preggers and never had to worry about the what ifs.. and pressure.. Good Luck!

I'm sorry I don't understand the terminate part? Did you have to terminate a pregnancy?

[Sue46]

I don't understand why your discussing a termination either.

I put a lot of pressure on my DH too. I Felt awful but I couldn't control myself. I WANT A BABY yesterday!

We all go through it, we just have to work through it and REALLY communicate why we feel this way. MY DH had no clue I was still hurting over I lose, I never let it show. I had to tell him everything I had been keeping inside and I can honestly say he has a different outlook on it now.

[tobynscarlett]

I just got to the point where I didn't even tell my DH when it was my "fertile" time. I just told him I was really "happy" he was home. LOL As for losing another one, that is something we are all afraid of, but we can't live in the 'what if's' we can only pick ourselves up and try again.

If you don't mind, I don't think many of us are familiar with your story. Could you please tell us more about your loss so that we are able to give you al the support that we can??? That would be greatly appreciated!!! So sorry you are having a hard time, please feel free to post anytime you need extra hugs!!

[sallyk61]

HI,
Lilly had abnormalities and we had an emergancy medical termination and i think possibly my DH has not dealt with the on going fear enough to feel the benefits out way the negative exoerience we have had.

Because of the abnormalities I think he may feel that they could of been caused by 'him'...

There is no medical reason, it just 'happened' and the decession part, although we had no choice because the abnomralities were so bad I was told I woul d not survive the pregnancy, has added to the concern and fear for him I guess...

Just to make it clear last night we had a bath after I cooked him one of his favourite meals, drank some yummy wine and he gave me a massage... I did my best to not make it a baby making experience but at the end of the day you have to do it to get pregnant and that is the aim... I dont know what else I could of done.

[jen805]

sally-- you're feeling so low. I think if you got a +OPK on Mon, and you dtd Sun, Mon. and Tue, I think you're in for a great shot this month! Of course you're both feeling stressed out, and the pressure's really on... and especially after what you two went through, and the decisions that you were forced to make... Have you two tried any type of counseling, either together or apart?

I hope things start looking up, hon...

[Boble]

Sally im sorry to hear you are feeling down.

A loss certainly affects men differently doesn't it.

I have had the same problems with DH not being able to get to the "happy ending" part and although he can't explain to me why its not happening it has left me feeling so so low. There has been so many nights I have ended up in tears after dtd because it didn't happen. There has been yelling, screaming, crying and one night i got so worked up I actually had a panic attack, couldn't breath - it was very scary!

In the end DH has been to see a doctor, he has been checked out to make sure there is nothing physically wrong. the doctor then sent him away saying give it a go for another month and see how you go... it didn't help. He has now prescribed DH some valium to use before dtd to help him relax. We haven't used it as yet as we had to prevent pregnancy this last month just gone.... but even just having the medication sitting there has seemed to help. (and a big thank you to a special person who suggested to me that this may help)

We will be actively using it this month, so I will let you know how we go. I know it is an embarrassing thing for men to go to the dr about, but maybe if it gets too bad you could discuss it with him and see if he is willing to go and talk to the doctor about it.

best of luck hun. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to take the pressure off, but you are right, at the end of the day you both know what you are trying to do. The only other thing i can suggest is while dtd make it as much about you two as you can. I don't know about you but my mind often thinks about why we are doing it, while we are doing it (if that makes sense) and i guess its safe to say our men may be thinking the same thing. Tell him how much you love him... how happy he makes you etc etc... talk to him to get his mind (and yours) off the whole trying to make a baby thing.

I hope this helps *hugs*

[tobynscarlett]

I know the time I accidentally left the EXTREMELY POSITIVE OPK on the counter and DH saw it, we didn't DTD that night. I didn't make a big deal of it because we had done it the 3 nights before, but I was pretty disappointed that he so blatantly made several comments that he was super tired that night. He didn't even TRY and he KNEW I was ovulating!!! Turned out that it didn't matter because I got pregnant from dtd the few nights before. Men just don't handle the pressure very well, it took me a while to convince DH that we should continue to TTC after our loss. He was ready to get a vasectomy and be done with having children- that was just not something I could do. I know DH is still worried even though I am pregnant again. We rented a doppler so that we could hear the heartbeat at home and every morning DH grabs the doppler and checks the baby. It shows me that he is still scared of losing another one even though he never talks about it.

As far as your DH goes, maybe sometimes he needs to be "surprised" and just have a quickie before he has time to think about what is happening. It could be that a long dinner just added to the anxiety he was feeling. You are doing everything right, just try different angles until you find something that works Sorry you are feeling so low, sometimes it can feel like your DH is rejecting YOU when that happens. It can be very disappointing in so many ways. Just know that it isn't you, so many of our DH's have had this trouble. Many times men don't even realize how much a loss will affect them.

[sallyk61]

Thanks, I think every one is right, I just fell into such a panic and heap this morning..
Im glad it made sense to some people that even with me not making it about dtd it just is...

I guess I just keep blaming myself too and I dont want to have that on my mind through this whole time.

I want us to be the 'lucky' ones who fall pregnant really easily and it might not be that simple...

[mum74]

Everyone has given a lot of good advice so just wanted to add

I hope you fall pregnant again soon.

Hey Sal,

Just saw your post.

The ladies have given you some wonderful advice. I hope that you two can work this out together.

Hugs hun
xx

[charm]

Sally I really hope you get your bfp this month you are in it with a great chance Take care of yourself men are different it's the only way I can say it in every pregnancy there is always a chance you know I have 2 healthy kids and the 3rd ended up in m/c with abnormalities turners syndrome it is just a freak thing which cannot be helped it's just sucky that it happens Sally for and your DH are in my T&P I hope things get better for you both xxoo

[sallyk61]

Am I being really horrible - I just spoke to my sister and she said that DH obviously isnt ready yet and I owed it to him to give him his oppurtunity to heal...

I know its mean but I just think what the hell would you know, your pregnant with your second...

She also said I should stop trying, Im making it into a too big deal and it was one horrible thing, but only one thing....

ARGH!! Am i being un fair feeling semi violent towards her???

[~Lynda~]

it's easy for someone else to tell us what we should do. but our hearts tell us differently. it's a difficult situation that only you and your DH can decide on. Don't let anyone tell you what to do. I would talk to DH and see how he feels about the whole situation.

I hear it alot - that men stress out over the whole ovulating time. i've had the same problem you are having (we have had two losses) but I find that men are driven through turn on!!! so you gotta find ways in which to totally turn him on. find out his kinky little fantasies and use them to your benefit. it hasn't failed me yet!!! G/L - I hope you get a sticky healthy bean very soon!!! HUGS

[charm]

I would have been more than semi violent sawwy

[jen805]

sally--I'm so glad I got to speak to you about this in chat! It still makes me furious! That "one thing" she refers to was a HUMAN life! A m/c is a HUGE deal--it's life changing, and soul altering--and while I'm not saying that it's not hard on the man, there's just no comparison to the angst that WE as m/c survivors have to suffer through! I think if that were my sister, she'd be lucky to ever speak to me again after saying that "it's just one thing" comment! Truly sorry for you, hon... you know where to come for support--I just wish I could give you the biggest hug in person!

[Trish36]

I'm sorry that the pressure of getting pregnant is putting a strain on your romantic life. maybe if you had your doctor explain to dh that you have a very small chance of having the same issues with the next pregnancy, that might put him a bit at ease. Maybe you just need to get him drunk, so he doesn't worry about it anymore! You know what else might work, if you tell him that AF is on the way. then he won't stress out that it's baby making time. My DH seems to be 'in the mood' at the most inconvenient times. Don't tell him when you are O'ing anymore. Hope it all works out....but I think if you DTD just before you O'd you could have caught that eggie anyway.. Hope you did!!!!