How to deal with a new baby in the family

mlyster · #1 June 3rd, 2009, 06:13 AM

I am in tears... and I can't stop myself. I am excited to be an auntie and I can't wait to hold Bailey but I can't stop crying for the baby I lost.

Back story - my little sister just had her first baby, my first niece. She had her last night, 16 days overdue weighing 9 lbs 4 oz and named her Bailey Jaelle. My EDD was in October and that would have made these 2 only 5-6 months apart... eveyone was excited to have them both so close together... but then I lost my baby. I really thought I was doing ok. I was fine seeing her pregnant and I knew she would have the baby but as her due date approached it got harder and harder for me. Since her due date I have been in tears every couple of days thinking about how I am going to hold her without bursting into tears.

I talked to my mom last night (after she had held the baby) and tried to talk to her about all of this... but she basically warned me not to ruin this time for my sister (not in so many words but that was her message). I was hurt that she would think I would intentionally hurt my sister at a time like this... and that set me off again. I just feel like no one cares or understands how hard this is for me.I just don't know how to get through it and I want these feelings to go away. It has been 2.5 months since I m/c and I was only 7 weeks along. I wish this was jealousy becuase I could deal with that... but it is pure sadness - something I have never dealt well with.

Oh and on top of it all, my DH graduates today with his PhD. I am a bawling mess on his day. Somehow I have to pull myself together to get work done today before going to his ceremony with all of his family.

Sorry this is so long and rambly but I needed to get this out to people who I know will understand.

#2 June 3rd, 2009, 06:20 AM

Awww Michelle I am so so so sorry. I haven't had a baby born in the family yet but I can imagine that is extremely hard. I hope your Mom understands how hurt you are about your loss and maybe she's just trying to push it away so she can be happy for your sister even though I'm sure she's really sad about your loss. I hope you feel better I wish I could do something for you.

And congrats to your DH on his PhD

charlierays · #3 June 3rd, 2009, 06:35 AM

I really wish there was some kind of documentary on the emotional effects of pregnancy loss because I would make dozens of copies and hand them out to everyone I know. People just don't get it. The most frustrating part is that even if they cared enough or had the courage to want to know, it is difficult to explain.

My SIL will be holding her baby in November...two weeks later I should be holding mine, but I won't. I often think ahead to that time and feel very sad and very angry...i am dreading it. Somehow we will get through it. I am so sorry that we have to deal with this. It just plain sucks.

.:Shortcake:. · #4 June 3rd, 2009, 06:35 AM

Huge hugs hun. I have had a baby brought into my family since I m/c and I can say once you hold them in your arms you just can help but snuggle them closer and it honestly made me feel better.

Trish36 · #5 June 3rd, 2009, 06:44 AM

Just wanted to send you some HUGS!!!!

mlyster · #6 June 3rd, 2009, 06:57 AM

Thanks Ladies!

Shortcake I really hope that is what happens.

.:Shortcake:. · #7 June 3rd, 2009, 07:01 AM

Aww hun it will happen.

~Angela~ · #8 June 3rd, 2009, 07:05 AM

Michelle - Me and my sister were pg. together, putting us 5 months apart. It was really exciting to think they'd be in the same grade and everything. Then I lost my pg. It was really hard to see my sister continue with hers (even though I would never wish anything bad!!!). I was outside her room when she gave birth. I bawled my eyes out, I realized that I should have been in that position in 5 months to, but I wouldn't be. I cried, and cried with jealousy and anger. Once I actually saw and held my nephew it certainly did help.

I don't agree with what you mother said. She wasn't thinking of you at that moment, and I'm so sorry.

I know your DH has alot on his plate at the moment, but try to lean on him for support. My DH was pretty good at listening and trying to understand what I was feeling when my nephew made his appearance.

mlyster · #9 June 3rd, 2009, 07:11 AM

Thanks Angela! I am happy to know that I am not crazy to be in tears on such a happy day. I won't get to see her until tomorrow so that will give me some time to get over this and be happy for her safe arrival.

DH has been awesome. I feel bad for him having to deal with my hysterics but he is great about it. I have definitely had him to lean on even if he does not fully understand my emotions.

mlyster · #10 June 3rd, 2009, 08:05 AM

Now I need all your tricks to get rid of red and puffy eyes before Steve's graduation in a few hours!

amandakay29 · #11 June 3rd, 2009, 08:29 AM

farasha · #12 June 3rd, 2009, 09:27 AM

Hugs hun. I know this is hard. I haven't been through the same situation myself, but I can imagine I'd be exactly the same way if that happened in my family or even with friends. You're welcome to vent to us always!!! I wish I had some good advice... a cold compress for your eyes might help!!!

~Angela~ · #13 June 3rd, 2009, 10:09 AM

Tea bags are supposed to help with puffy eyes! I think everyone will understand

#14 June 3rd, 2009, 10:11 AM

Michelle- it's so normal to feel how you are feeling. My SIL had a baby in January and my EDD was march. We were so excited to be having babies around the same time. She had a miscarriage when I was pregnant with my DD. Now, it's all about the new baby and it was very hard for me at first, and still is sometimes. I didn't want to hold Hannah or even be around her at first. I felt feelings I didn't know I would feel and it made me feel bad. I told my DH and he was shocked that I was feeling that way. Of course I was so thrilled for my SIL and brother, but I couldn't help feeling how I did. I notice now it's getting easier to be around them and I hope that happens for you too. HUGS to you!

ldovey83 · #15 June 3rd, 2009, 10:24 AM

Wow hun I can't even imagine.. I just found out my little brother and his new wife are expecting and she is due Jan 24th which would've been 2 days after my due date.. I bawled my eyes out after I read what my step mother wrote.. I thought how inconsiderate of her to write to tell me that after I just lost my baby... Then I got angry that my brother has another one on the way when he left his ex for the lady he is with now and left his ex to care for thiier daughter alone.. I thought none of them have jobs how come they get a baby and I lost mine? Then I found enough peace from God to write them and congratulate them, and explain what happened to me... I am sure I will still have my days as I watch her belly grow and hear when the new one arrives.. Hopefully by then I will have a new sticky bean on the way, and it wont be as painful... HUGS to you hun.

Kary♥RN · #16 June 3rd, 2009, 10:53 AM

Michelle HUGS... I am so glad you posted this.... My SIL is due in Aug.... (I would have been due 3 weeks later) I am dreeding that day... I sat here crying as I still am now, feeling the pain you are going through. I know I will be posting the same post two months from now. I can't even imagine what it will be like. I wish I had words of wisdom for you... I hope you will be able to tell me it will be ok two months from now.. HUGS

..Penelope.. · #17 June 3rd, 2009, 03:25 PM

Thinking of you, and sending you lots of big

KDD · #18 June 3rd, 2009, 04:26 PM

I haven't been able to hold a baby since my loss. It's almost like it's a cruel reminder of what I can't have.

Boble · #19 June 3rd, 2009, 04:48 PM

a friend of ours had her baby in feb... only days after my due date for our honeymoon baby. I found the courage somehow to walk in and visit her and I even got to have a cuddle (but she seemed very unsure about letting me have a hold, which surprised and confused me). she drops in sometimes to see me at work and some days i handle it - other days, not so much... i just want her to leave. She keeps asking us to come around and visit them at home but i just.... can't. Even though i was fine visiting them in hospital?

another friend is due late July, exactly 4 weeks before my last one was due. So.. im not sure how I will cope with that either. I am hopeful that I will be able to walk in with a smile on my face and have a cuddle and be happy for what they have.

I guess the only advice I can give is try to focus on them.. on your sister and her little one - as hard as it is... it might help. You are going to be an amazing aunt to this little baby and you might feel such a strong connection with her when you hold her that all the pain you are scared you will feel might just melt away. And one day you are going to give your little niece a cousin

or maybe a bunch of them

I really hope that it is all ok and KUP. We will be thinking of you *hugs* and if all else fails.. go for a big run. My dad used to do that when he needed some time to clear his head

oh and congrats on your DH's PhD

thats a bit exciting!

..Jessica.. · #20 June 3rd, 2009, 05:06 PM

Michelle,

My cousin had Sarah roughly 6 weeks before I miscarried, and let me tell you...I didn't hold her until she was almost 6 months old. It was the hardest thing ever!!! It's never going to be easy to see a new baby, or hold a new baby, or even hear that someone else is pregnant. As sad as it is, it's the truth.

You have every right to feel this way, and nobody has the right to tell you to feel otherwise. If you want to pull it together, do it for yourself, not for anyone else! You are grieving the loss of your baby, not a dirty rag.

I'm sorry if I come off as harsh, but situations like this really drive me up the wall. Especially when someone is basically telling you to 'get over it' just because it's someone else's 'time'!

We are here for you no matter HOW you feel Michelle!!!!