[szczepanski]

I know I could share this on the birthmom's board, but I really value the opinions and insight of all of you fantastic ladies, so I figured I would share it here.

I am a birthmom. I got pregnant at 18 and knew from the moment I found out I was pregnant that this wasn't "my" pregnancy. I knew that the baby I was carrying would be carried to full term (god willing) and that it was for a loving couple that would love to have a family. I was 100% okay with my decision, to the point that I didn't choose a family until after I gave birth just because I didn't want them to worry that I would change my mind. I had a beautiful, healthy little girl who just turned 5 this may. It is an open adoption, I get pictures of her every month, a letter from her Mommy about how she is doing. I get to visit her whenever I can and I am even friends with her Daddy on facebook (for even more pictures!). It is an amazing situation.

My DH knows. He knew from day one. He is so understanding, especially about the fact that OUR baby will be MY first.

This will be MY first baby. The first baby that I get excited about being pregnant. My first baby that I am thrilled over seeing during the ultrasound, my first little one that when I feel kick, I know will be thrashing around when I change a diaper or put a clean onesie on. The first baby that when my boobs leak, I know that I will be nursing a little one. I am so lucky to have DH, when we found out we were expecting....which was a complete suprise, as we had only been married a month....go "I know how much this means to you...you are going to make a great mommy".

Then I lost our little one.

I love my MIL. I am also SO blessed to have an amazing MIL, she is one of my best friends and I feel like she is MY Mom too. She isn't annoying or overbearing or pushy or anything like a "normal" MIL. And she reassures me all the time "You are would be amazed at all the first time pregnancies that ened in miscarriage. Sometimes the hormones and your body just don't know how to handle it.".

I don't have the heart to tell her that our next pregnancy....wont be my first. Or my third. I also don't want to tell her because its MY first. I want to be able to connect to the baby I am carrying as MY baby. I want to listen to advice about how when I first feel the baby move I will think its bubbles. I want to think its bubbles...because I want to pretend I have never felt a baby move before. I want to be SHOCKED when I get kicked in the bladder and pee myself because I don't realize that when I gotta pee...I REALLY GOTTA PEE.

I don't want to forget my first pregnancy. But I want to seperate the two. Because for me (and my DH), this is MY first pregnancy. This baby that I carry, this baby that I nurture for 9 months, this baby that I give birth too...this will be MY baby. And there is truly a difference, there really is.

So...I guess in s hort. Is it wrong to act like this (when I get pregnant) will be my first baby? That I pretend like I don't know what the hell is going on and that my boobs will leak and I will get huge and I will get kicked and pee on myself? And someday, tell my MIL about my birthdaughter. Its not even that I don't want to tell her because I am afraid of what she will think....I want to be able to ask her questions about pregnancy and come to her when I am tired and sore and craving something random like asparagus and she tell me "Ohhhh its normal, I craved chicken breast with cauliflower when I was pregnant with Matt". And not ask me "Well what did you crave with your daughter?".

[~~~Sara~~~]

Oh Heather, that had to be tough to share.

Personally I do not think it is wrong that you keep your baby with you and your husband as your "first".

I am 31 years old and the majority of my friends are having trouble conceiving, I don't know if it's age or what, but I see so many pregnant young girls that really have no means to take care of a child, I wish more would consider adoption. What a selfless thing you did for your little girl and for that couple. I am just amazed by you at the moment and you can say whatever you want about your pregnancy when you get there.

[AliciaF]

I do think it would be wrong to continue to let your MIL think this will be your first. You say you have an amazing relationship with her, and if you do, this shouldn't change that. But I think keeping it from her and her finding out later could seriously damage the relationship you have.

You should still be able to have all those moments with her that you want, just in a slightly different way. You can commisserate the way experienced mothers do.

[Boble]

I too think it would be best to tell her.. and by the sounds of it you do have an awesome relationship with her.. so maybe what you have just told us is the best thing to tell her too. Im sure she will understand. And I think after 5 years, to a certain degree we forget things and things could be different with your pregnancy - so i believe you will have a lot of those first moments.

*hugs* and thank you so much for sharing. I think what you did was amazing! and it is great you still get to see your birthdaughter

[charm]

I think your story is amazing and about telling you mil I would discuss it with DH see what he thinks If I were in your position If You don't tell her now it's probably best kept from her forever if that makes sense so she doesn't get offended by you not telling her but it's totally up to you and goodluck with whatever you decide please let me know what you do decide just remember it will still be your and DH's first child and her first grandchild from you both so it will be super special anyway iykwim?

Heather, that made me cry. You ARE amazing. I don't see why you have to tell your MIL anything. I used to be all for full disclosure and it turns out as I get older it's just not necessary. If you don't feel 100% comfortable telling her, then don't. I guess I feel like even in spite of how close you and your MIL are, this kind of isn't her business.

[starrsgirl]

Heather, I too have learned as I have gotten older that sometimes "telling all" isn't necessary and we only hurt the people we love. I think we live in a society where we are encouraged to bare our souls to almost complete strangers or to share our deepest secrets with everyone. Sometimes the more loving thing to do is to let things be and put the people in our lives first before we open our mouths.

DH and I met each other and fell madly in love right away. Being both in the military, we were faced with being stationed apart for 5 years. We decided to take action and ran to the courthouse to get married (within 2 months of meeting). Though my decision to marry DH was still the best decision I have ever made (nearly 4 years married!), it would have majorly upset my family. At the time, I was a few years out of college, living across the country and I barely remembered to call home ever. I was raised in a strict Catholic family and my parents are very conservative. Also, due to work and financial circumstances, my family would not have been able to make it to the courthouse to see us married on short notice. I made the decision to tell my parents that I had met someone and we were engaged (whereas in real life, we were married). DH and I planned a "real" wedding for the next year that everyone could attend. My parents were able to meet DH and they loved him. The wedding was a quiet family affair but was beautiful. To this day, they know nothing of our courthouse wedding. For me, telling my parents of my run to the courthouse would have been very hard on them. There would be no consequences for me and I would feel great about my decision, but I would have placed a big burden on my parent's lap. I felt it would have caused unecessary pain and grief for them.

Not everyone agrees I made the best decision, but I KNOW it was the best decision for me and to respect my parents. Follow your heart on this one but don't feel that you have to lay bare your soul to everyone. Try to put yourself in your MILs position and then make your decision.

[klt]

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer, as long as the answer that you choose is well thought out and you and your DH agree on what to do... I'm obviously of no help. I think it was an amazing thing that you did...and regardless of whether or not you share your story with your MIL, when you get PG and carry your baby, it will be different. And, you get to celebrate those differences and the addition to your family. take care.

[photogmama]

I think it is completely up to you if you share this with your mother in law or not. BUT (and this is a BIG BUT) if you chose not to tell her, you will probably be best served to not have her come to ANY OB appointments with you (including your ultrasound) and not have her at the hospital/in the delivery room when the baby is born. Your previous pregnancy and delivery, no matter how routine and normal WILL BE a part of your medical history and nurses, doctors, etc WILL bring up things without thinking/reading the fine print. That would be the absolute WORST way for her to find out...with some nurse saying something like "you probably remember this from your previous pregnancy" or some anesthesiologist (sp?) saying "did you have problems with your epidural your last delivery".....

[..Penelope..]

Sweety, I think that you should do what feels right for you. I completely understand where you're coming from, and I would want to experience all the little firsts, too. I'm sorry that I can't be of more help, but I can't really say what I'd do unless I was actually IN that situation, kwim? Good luck!

[megal40]

Right or wrong. There really isn't an answer. I think you are already a wonderful mom. You did what you felt was right in your heart for you and your birthdaughter. Your MIL sounds supportive. Whatever you decide, I am sure she will be right there to support you.

I hope this is your month. I just posted in the 2WW thread.


P.S. By the way, thank you for trusting us with something so personal... and valuing our opinion. You are right, the ladies here are wonderful!

[Kary♥RN]

Heather from one teenage mom to another.... YOU ARE AMAZING! What you did was amazing. Now what you do now.. is up to you... from what you have said about your MIL... I think she will think you are amazing also!!!.... It is not wrong what ever you decide. If you and DH decide to tell her, it sounds like she will be supportive. But do you have to tell her now? Will now change anything? will later? Only you and dh can answers that. I can understand your "first" even though I have a son... it was over 18 years ago... and this will be dh first, and our first together, and his parents first,... when I had my son, I was 15... It was different, the support was different, my mom was my main support. Now I have a husband. My son was not planned.... this pregnancy.. is... it will be my first planned... that I have say over totally from before the begining to the end.... I do understand ...... What ever you decide.. it sounds like a win-win situation. You have a great dh, a wonderful mil... and you like the others have said a great mom already!!!! HUGS!!

[mlyster]

Heather,

I have read your post and not really read what the others have replied (didn't want it to cloud my response). I will read them after I am done

I think that this decision is up to you. You are not hurting anyone by not telling you MIL about being a birthmom. You are not hiding anything and in my opinion you are not even lying. You feel like this is your first child and for you and DH that is all that matters. I can understand not wanting to have your new pregnancy compared to one that happened a before and ended up creating a family for someone else. I also think that it took incredible courage and strength to give someone else the family they wanted (and I commend you for that). Becuase you have that kind of strength I think that if you choose to tell MIL it will work out for the best for both of you. BUT if you do tell her make sure you are doing it for YOU! If you tell her be sure to explain what you have just explained to us. That you are still going to need answers and guidance through this pregnancy because it is your first child and you will have all the same hopes, fears, worries as anyone going through a first pregnancy.

Just my 2 cents on it.

[szczepanski]

Thanks for all the insight and kind words ladies. It really makes this decision seem like less of a big deal, hehe.

I kind of like the reassurance that I don't have to tell everyone everything all the time. And it isn't like I am lying or hiding it from her....because this will be MY pregnancy, which is different then what I went through before. My DH of course says "whatever you want to do, we will do"...so the decision lies on me.

I think what I am going to do, is just not tell her. It doesn't hurt her for her not to know, it doesn't effect our relationship any. I just am being selfish and wanting to keep that old part of my life separate from this part of my life.

As far as not allowing her in the delivery room or anything like that....that isn't going to be possible. She will HAVE to be there for me because I know I will just need her there. She is also a NICU nurse (for 25+ years) so I will feel good having her there that way too. I have a midwife group that I go too, and I've already spoken with my main midwife about the situation - but whoever is on call the night whenI go into labor will be aware of it as well (because I get to meet everyone before hand). They delivery my little one, so that will be fine. Plus I went all natural last time and plan to again so anesthesia, et. shouldn't be an issue.

My mom died when I was young so having a MIL who I get along with and love so much is just so great. She didn't have any daughters, so I think that helps a little too, hehe.