[jaypbee]

i'm going to copy and paste what i wrote on the pregnancy loss board. i hope you don't mind, but i just don't want to type it all out again! lol.

my name is jenni and i'm 37. my ds will be 16 months on monday (that was the 8th), and he is such a joy! dh and i are totally in love with him! we got married in 2006 (but have known each other now for 17 years!), and didn't know if we'd have children. our age was a big factor, and we thought we'd be fine with it being just us. the baby bug bit us both, and after only 3 months of trying, we were pregnant! i had a perfect pregnancy...

i was working full time and went back to work after taking 12 weeks off for maternity leave. dh worked from home and took care of ds during the day. it was great... however, i hated leaving my precious baby and told dh that there was no way i'd have another if i had to continue to work. this past december, i lost my job. it was awful-we didn't know what we'd do. but it actually ended being a blessing, as dh took a position somewhere else, and i got to stay home w/ roman! a dream come true.

this factor alone sparked conversations of having another. we decided we really wanted roman to have a sibling so he wouldn't have to navigate this world by himself-especially after we are gone. age again was an issue in our decision. chances of things going wrong increase as we age, and this made us nervous. but, we decided to go for it! and after only two months, we got our bfp!

because of my age, my ob does an u/s at 8 weeks. my appt was on may 28th-i was 8 weeks 3 days. dh had to work, so roman and i went to the appt alone. as soon as the image came up on the screen, i knew there was no heartbeat. there was a sac, and a yolk, and the beginnings of a fetal pole, but that was it. my ob (whom i LOVE) came in and told me what i already knew-the pregnancy was not viable. now i had a decision to make-wait for a m/c or have a d and c. i chose the d and c and scheduled it for the next day.

i asked for another u/s just to be sure. but, we saw the same thing, only in higher resolution. my heart broke again. i've never been under general anesthesia, and i was terrified. however, things went smoothly. i had no pain at all and had relatively no bleeding after leaving the hospital. happy to have that behind me, i was ready to move on. last week was tough. i had some teary days. in my head i know this happened because something was wrong w/ the baby, but that doesn't help my heart. i was in the mindframe of "when the baby gets here..." and, "what do you think of this name?". extreme joy and excitement to deep sorrow in a matter of seconds. SECONDS. crazy.

i think my biggest emotion right now is anger. anger because now we are faced w/ making another decision. do we try again? what if we do, and have another loss? or what if we do, and there is something wrong w/ the baby? i'm mad because we made the decision last time and were at peace about it. i don't want to have to make the decision again. what if we make the wrong one? i would have had this baby about 2 weeks prior to turning 38. now, if we get pregnant again, i'll be 38 when i deliver. i really don't know what to do, and we don't have the luxury of time on our side...

if you made it this far, thanks for hanging in there! it really does help to just put "pen to paper", if you will.

***my follow up appt was yesterday. i had lots of questions to ask and my ob spent tons of time w/ me. dh and i talked about it last night, and he's ready to try again. i'm still hesitant, but i guess that's normal... ***

[Kary♥RN]

Jenni, first I am so sorry for your loss... and second Welcome to the board... What you are feeling is very normal. We all have those exact feelings after a loss. But our want for a baby out weighs the fear and what ifs... I am glad you have found us.. we are great listeners.. HUGS and I hope your stay is a short one (before moving to the pregnancy after loss), and when you decide to ttcal you get that BFP fast!!....HUGS

[starrsgirl]

Welcome....thanks for sharing your story! It is really hard to come to terms with wanting to try again after a loss. I didn't really understand why a lot of doctors recommend a 3 month wait after a loss before trying again. But, boy did I understand after I experienced my 2nd loss. You really need that time to heal and sort everything out that is going on in your head. It's not surprising that your DH is ready to go. It seems like it usually takes longer for us to heal than the guys.

I'm sorry you are going through this right now. I look forward to talking to you on this board.

[MrsB1227]

welcome and i am so sorry for your loss.

[megal40]

I am so sorry to have to welcome you here (and to the pregnancy loss board).

Thank you for sharing with us. I know what you mean about "putting pen to paper." This is a wonderful place to do that. There is always someone who can relate.

Whatever you decide, you will know what is best for you. Your son is adorable and I am sure he brings joy to every day-- even the bad ones.

Good luck moving forward and healing.

[photogmama]

I am sorry for your loss. I hate welcoming new members to the board because of the circumstances that bring them here! I think feelings of uncertainty are common after a loss, or at least they are for me. Every day I wonder if we are making the right choice by TTC again. Some days it is all consuming, I want another baby...other days it scares me to death and I am ready to give up. Hang in there, you have found a great group of women here!

Hi Jenni. I'm so glad you decided to join us! This forum is made up of some amazing women and you will find so much support here.

[heathernoell6]

Hello. My name is Heather. I will be 31 the end of August. I have two daughters...Gabriella who will be 10!!!! OMG in December. And Victoria who turned 7 yesterday (june 16th). I was married to their dad. Now, I have spent the last 4 years with Nelson...the love of my life. He is 42 years old...So you can do the math...he is about 12 years older than I am. On top of that, he has no children. However, he has been wonderful with mine. We decided (almost a year and a half ago) that we wanted atleast ONE child together. I had decided a long time ago that, even though my daughters were surprises, I had children early and I was done. I changed my mind. And I assumed it would be just as easy. So, when I found out i was pg last Oct...I TOLD EVERYONE!!! So, when I lost the baby 1 week later...well, you can just imagine. Now it has been 8 months and NOTHING! I will be 31 in 2 months. I understand what you are going through. I always thought of advanced maternal age as 35, but my midwife called me that at 30. I rethought my whole train of thought, but realized in the end that I am healthy and want another child. We can both do it. Don't give up and message me if you want.

[Trish36]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Just wanted to tell you that my mom had a healthy pregnancy at 38 and there are so many other women out there who do as well. I know that worry very well though, I'm 36 myself and have been thinking lately that my age must play a role now in having such a hard time ttc. HUGS and good luck!!!

[rebeccabaltimore and more]

I'm very sorry for your loss. But don't lose hope - my mom got pregnant with my brothers at 39 and had them at 40.