keep getting blows long

hearts.0nfire · #1 July 6th, 2009, 04:53 PM

I'm sorry that so many of my posts seem to be rants. Things keep seeming like they are messing up. So I went out to eat with family yesterday and it's only been a week. I was feeling so anxious and upset that day to begin with, so I didn't want to go to this family event but I went for my husband since it was for his birthday. Well I mainly kept to myself and when a baby was brought by me it just really hit me I will not be there by next year with this child and I lost it. I turned my head and started crying and left for the bathroom and then my husband took me home.

I had two different calls today saying that I was rude, that I needed to basically "suck it up", that I didn't say "hi/bye" and I was being smug and I shouldn't act like that in this situation. I should be all smiles and say hi. What the ----. I am having a really hard time with this loss. We tried for a year and a 1/2 and one fertility drug that burned my arm all day and night to get there only to have it taken from me. I'm not sure how to get past to being normal again. I just can't believe family, especially one person who has been there would attack me like this.

Thank you guys for reading, and feedback would be appreciated. I don't know if I acutally sound bad for not talking to people and turning my head when a nearly 4 month old baby is in front of me looking precious.

farasha · #2 July 6th, 2009, 05:16 PM

Hugs hun... how you are feeling is perfectly normal. All of us have been there and there are plenty of days when I still am. Unfortunately, not many other people understand how these losses effect us. It was very rude of these family members not to at least try to sympathize, especially with such a recent loss. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Over time, it will get easier to go out and see babies or pregnant ladies or hear the insensitivity...but all of us will attest to having those really hard days. I wish I could give you good advice, but sometimes the best thing to do is really just surround yourself with those who do understand/emphasize. Take as much time as you need to yourself too. You need it. Hugs again!!!

aaclzamora · #3 July 6th, 2009, 05:42 PM

Like the previous poster said, all of us understand, but sometimes family can be very callous--my family understood (my mother had 1 m/c 1 stillbirth; my other sisters haven't had either, but they were still supportive). DH's family on the other hand tried to be supportive, but when you tell someone you're going to m/c and they say "I told you not to lift those heavy boxes" it doesn't come off too nice.
Vent away--all of us have been there and none of us mind. Your m/c was very recent; it will hurt a lot for a while, and only someone who has gone through that would understand. Just ignore your family--they are being very insensitive and callous.

I'm sorry you have to go through this hun

mlyster · #4 July 6th, 2009, 06:10 PM

Vent away!! you are still very new in this journey - just this past weekend I cried myself to sleep after having spent an entire day with my 4 week old niece. I love her to death but it is still a hard reminder every day that I am not 6 months pregnant...Like the others have said... if you have not gone through it (and even some who have) you do not understand what its like. It is a struggle for a long time. For me it has lessened and is not a daily thing anymore but when I am having a particularly bad day it all comes rushing back.

Take the time to heal - no matter how long it takes! Don't just "suck it up" because someone else says so!!

megal40 · #5 July 6th, 2009, 06:19 PM

I just wanted to add my ***HUGS***

I am a firm believer in the fact that no one can truly understand unless they have been through this terrible experience. I know there are a lot of people that just think at that early on it shouldn't be a big deal. I am sorry for you and hope that you can get support here that you need!

***HUGS***

KDD · #6 July 6th, 2009, 06:22 PM

Although I would never wish the pain of a loss on anyone, I wish that those who've never experienced it would be more understanding. It might be a good idea to stay away from his family for a while. If they continue to call, have have DH talk to them. If they think what you did was rude, then they need to look in a mirror.

Vent away anytime you need to Erica. We are here for you.

hearts.0nfire · #7 July 6th, 2009, 06:22 PM

thank you guys so much for the responses. I can't explain how grateful that I am that there are those who understand and have helped me to not feel so alone though I honestly wish none of us were in this position. I've been so depressed over the past week, but it helps knowing I do have someone to turn to in this board.

alicenwonderland · #8 July 6th, 2009, 11:20 PM

I'm so sorry Erica. I can't imagine how I would react if I received the same comments. So far people have been really understanding.

mum74 · #9 July 7th, 2009, 02:58 AM

I cannot fathom how people can be so heartless to you. Especially friends and family. The only things that have been said to me have been well meant, even though sometimes still hurt a little...like my friend saying that she 'had to believe that my baby was not meant to be'. I know this was meant in the context that she just has to believe that mostly the world is good but I felt like I was the only one allowed to say my baby was not meant to be, no one else

. But I know she was well-meaning and trying to be supportive. I don't even know how I could cope with being told to suck it up, or that you were SMUG - what the??

I'm sorry.

.:Shortcake:. · #10 July 7th, 2009, 03:23 AM

Huge hugs hun. Your family will not understand what your going through unless they have been there but they should respect that your grieving.

Trish36 · #11 July 7th, 2009, 06:41 AM

People who have never been through a m/c don't understand the impact it has on your life. They may try to say comforting words, and sometimes they just say the wrong thing, even if they mean well. then they get frustrated because you are not bouncing back right away, like they would expect you to. It's so easy to think that you should act a certain way, until they are in your shoes. This was a really hard situation, especially since your loss happened so recently.
Maybe you should speak to that person and explain how much the pregnancy had meant to you and that you are hurting right now and need time to grieve and heal and the newborn was like putting salt in your wound. You didn't mean to be rude just needed to go home and they should respect that. Hopefully that person never has to deal with the loss of a child. HUGS!!!

hearts.0nfire · #12 July 7th, 2009, 08:44 AM

thank you guys again so much. As far as the one who told me basically to suck it up, she had a miscarriage too. I would have thought of all people she could understand, but even she didn't.

photogmama · #13 July 7th, 2009, 10:43 AM

I am so sorry, my heart aches for you, having to deal with this from your family! I can't say anything to make it right or make it better, but we are here for you!

~~~Sara~~~ · #14 July 7th, 2009, 10:48 AM

I am so sorry, I wish others were more understanding, these losses effect all of us differently and they need to be more sensitive.

I have come to the place where I try to feel joy for those with babies because I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I know it's SO new for you, I don't expect you to feel that way, but I do hope you can find peace.

Del4 · #15 July 7th, 2009, 11:15 AM

Some people reeeally don't get it. I'm so sorry. Your loss is still very fresh and there's zero reason you need to "suck it up" as it was so rudely put. I'm angry for you and you being upset by this is very understandable.

My loss was very early, as well. Only 5 weeks and we'd only known for about a week when it happened. It was very sad for both of us and it took us both about 6 months to a year to "get over it." A loss is a loss is a loss. And we weren't trying at that time. I cannot imagine how much harder I would have taken it if we had been in a situation like yours.

You are so not alone and that's really the only solace (as sad as that is) that there is in a time like this. And if your family can't be just a little bit understanding and keep their mouths shut, then I'd steer clear of them for a bit. Till you feel you can act normal and not have to listen to their complaints for being sad.

ldovey83 · #16 July 7th, 2009, 11:25 AM

Aww hun I am so sorry to have saw what your family said.. It has been over a month since I lost my angel bean and still to this day I hurt.. It is very hard for a person who has never expierenced a loss to know what pain you are feeling.. I have a friend who is pregnant and is always saying things to me when she has never gone through what we all have, and sometimes I have the hardest time talking to her.. I will say it has gotten easier as time goes on, but it is never forgotten.. You are still going to have times when you just want to shut yourself in a room and cry.. I did that this weekend.. No one or nothing could make me happy. I am still praying for you, and we are all here for you to vent to anytime.. HUGS hun..

MrsB1227 · #17 July 7th, 2009, 12:13 PM

people are amazing sometimes, i'm so sorry you're dealing with so much insensitivity! Mourning is such an individual and personal thing and it really bothers me when someone tries to tell another how they SHOULD be acting in regards to a loss. There is nothing wrong with you, it is the people around you that need to work on their compassion