[mrscales]

hey ladies, my SIL is pregnant and of course her pregnancy is going fine. (note: i had a blighted ovum, hopefully having a d&c done soon) and right now, i'm finding it really hard to be happy for her...i know it sounds horrible but it's honeslty how i feel right now. i had my follow up ultrasound on monday and that's when they confirmed it was a blighted ovum, well she had hers today and she's 15w,1d and of course everything is perfect, baby is on track, etc. i just wondered if any of you ladies were in this same situation when your loss occured. how did you deal? did anything help you to be happy for others?

[jaypbee]

i can definitely understand what you are saying. i really relied on my faith to get me through my loss. i believe there is a greater plan for my family that i am way too small to understand. this definitely has helped me as those around me get pregnant!

i'm so sorry for your loss. good luck w/ your procedure. i had a d and c at the end of may and it was not bad at all (physically).

[sportsmom2]

I can understand how it would be very difficult to watch someone else have a successful pregnancy after going thru such a devastating loss. I pray you heal quickly, emotionally and physically....

Lots of Hugs and Prayers for your upcoming procedure!

[mlyster]

I understand what you are going through. My sister was pregnant at the same time as I was (she was about 5 months ahead of me) and when I miscarried she of course continued on with her uncomplicated pregnancy. The day my niece was born was one of the hardest days (if not the absolute hardest day) since my m/c. What got me through... the thought that when Bailey turns 1 or 5 or really any other major milestone I didn't want to think "if only I had been happier or more involved when she was little" and I certainly didn't want my miscarriage to cause a rift between me and my sister so I am not really sure how I did it but I turned off something in my brain and put aside my feelings at the moment for the feelings I wanted to have. Trust me it was not easy and I bawled all the way home from meeting her (and many a night since) but I am happy I managed to get through it.

I think once you are farther through your grieving process you will be able to see what I mean and will find a way to deal with it. I can tell you that while I was still happy for my sister I avoided her for a while afte my m/c.

Also, just know we are all here for you in this time. It is one of the hardest things you will have to endure but it will make you much stronger having gone through it. You can and will get through this! We will make sure of it!

[Oreobaby]

The day that I went to the ER and found out that I had lost my baby, my SIL went into labour. This was such a hard day/weekend for my entire family!! It is hard to be happy for her, as they have added TONS of pictures to facebook ect, but at the same time...she is my very first neice...and even though it's still hard, and hard even in 16 days when I will hold her in my arms and miss my lost baby, I am still so happy for them...I know it WILL happen for me...one day, I will be where they are and holding my own little baby in my arms, and loving him/her. It will happen for you as well!! We will all be mom's one day!!

[mum74]

I was fine with my SIL pregnancy. Because she announced it a month before we got pregnant, I always thought, well - she was always going to have a baby before me, so I was still happy and excited for them and now that the baby has been born - well she is just beautiful. The only thing that was hard was that when we visited them, they both asked separately if it made me clucky. I just had to fob it off because they didn't know I had been pregnant/ m/c.

What I am actually finding harder is the friends who have announced their pregnancies after my m/c. Because I feel like I SHOULD be holding a baby before them, and I won't be. I am happy for them but it does make me feel sorry for myself as I see their pregnancies progress.

At the moment I'm trying to focus on the fact that it will happen again for me too. If it doesn't, then I know I will be very very sad and will need to find a way to feel happy for all my friends future pregnancies.

[Boble]

it is a hard place to be.. a friend of mine just had a baby a week and a half ago.. we were preg together, she was exactly a month before me.. and there have been times when i have felt that it wasn't fair and been upset.. not because her preg went to term - but because mine didn't.
The biggest thing for me was that we went to the same place for new years.. we figured, because we both weren't drinking it would be fun to hang out.. well, she had one of those small, single serve bottles of champagne at midnight.. I however, had nothing... and yet, 14 days later I was the one to m/c - now, I do not wish m/c on her - or anyone for that matter.. but you can't help but think "why me, i did everything right".
It does get easier to cope with as time goes by and you will be able to feel those sparks of happiness for her - but you will also feel sad for yourself, its only natural *hugs*

[mrscales]

ugh, it just seems so unfair. i definately was the one that did everything right, i started prenatals like three months before i got pregnant, stopped drinking caffeine, cut out the sweets and tried eating healthier snacks. i did everything i was supposed to, like everyone else, and it still happens to us. i took my bbt every morning, checked CM and CP, knew exactly what was going on with my body. she on the other hand was "trying" yet she didn't even know what ovulation was or that it was the only time you could get pregnant....and the bad part is that she already has one kid! ugh, so frustrating! and actually she hasn't even said to me that she was sorry or she hated this for me, nothing. she sent a message to eric (my dh, her brother of course) and told him she hated it but that isn't the same as saying it to me. and i guess it's just really bothering me right now because they were supposed to come in this weekend and when they do they usually stay with us. doc told me that she may possible be able to schedule me for my d&c on friday (haven't confirmed yet) and i just really don't know if i can handle them being here. and kailey, my niece, knew that her mommy and i were pregnant together. i was talking to her on the phone the other day (she's 3) but she asked me if i had a baby in my belly like her mommy....i know she's just a child but it hurt so much. you know? it sucks and i know you guys are right, time will heal but gosh it sure does suck!!!

and like someone said earlier, i would never wish a miscarriage on someone else but i'm still wondering "why me". you know, why does she get to have two healthy pregnancies and i can't even have one?

i'm so sorry for ranting but it's kinda hard to talk to dh since it's his sister....and i just don't have a lot of other friends to talk to. at least we've all been through this and understand each other's feelings and what not. i thank you girls so much for your support and just for listening.

[mlyster]

Samantha,
Nothing you are feeling is out of the ordinary and none of it is unwarranted. It does suck! Nothing else to say about it... it sucks. And you know what it will continue to suck! I would say your best plan will be to not have them come this weekend and take that time for you and your DH to spend some time together - just the 2 of you. It will help you get through the D&C and start to move on physically and together before you start to venture into the very difficult world of babies after a miscarriage.

This process is very difficult without having to deal with family who does not understand. That is not their fault - I have found that anyone who has not gone through it does not get it (in fact I have not even told my family about my second loss because I know that response I will get - saddness for a few minutes and then they will forget about it). I would take the time you need to heal (physically and emotionally) before you tackle this diffcult situation.

PM me if you want to chat some time!

[~~~Sara~~~]

I completely understand and I have been there. I was most bitter after my first loss, the second I carried almost to 14 weeks and after that hell, I would not wish that on my worst enemy, so now to see a pregnant person or a baby makes me happy for the most part. I do have my bad days and bad moments.

I think your wounds are so fresh and it certainly makes it harder when you did everything right and she is somewhat uneducated and I think to those of us that experience loss, we see them as ungrateful.

Hugs to you for everything you are going through.

[BigGrin]

You ladies are handling this much more gracefully than me. Basically I have put on blinders and pretend there are no pregnant women at all. Seeing pregnant bellies pretty much destroyed me the first week after my m/c so now I walk with my eyes down. Thankfully no one close to me is pregnant but if anyone was, I would probably withdraw for a bit. I am just not strong enough to smile while my heart is breaking.

[JessP]

Time will help. I remember after mine my daughter who is 4 and knew we were going to have a baby asked me questions about when the baby was getting here. She didn't understand and I had to find someway to explain it to her. My daughter came to me one day and said its ok mommy we still have Auntie Moe's baby. It broke my heart but at the same time made me realize that miracles do happen and someday I will have another. I would not want anyone to go through what I have been through. I have had friends who have delivered and friends who have gotten pregnant. I had cousins who had baby showers just a couple weeks after my loss. I got the invite only days after. They did not want me to feel left out but didn't expect me to come. Both of my cousins had healthy babies, and I only tell you this because for me it helps remind me that babies are born and that this (m/c) will not always be the way. Someday you will have that precious baby in your arms and all of this that you are going through now will be worth it. You will cherish every moment of your pregnancy more because of what you are going through now. You will be a stronger person for this. I still have my moments when I see some lady smoking with her baby or while pregnant and ask DH why she gets to have hers and I don't. DH just tells me not to think like that and that everything happens for a reason. I did nothing wrong.... I hope you find comfort and support here on JM and make it to the DDC boards soon . There is also a pregnancy loss forum with wonderful ladies as well, some of us the same .

[Celena]

I think the majority of us could totally relate in one way or another with you...

I had my IUD out last april'08 after my husband had been begging me for well over a year to try tp have a baby. Well his 15, just turned 16 yr old little sister got pregnant! (her and her boyfriend were TRYING?!) Anyways, long story short she gave birth recently and it definitly made the pain so much worse... As it was a very exciting and happy day, I couldn't help but to feel this emptiness inside. Even looking at total strangers with their large round protruding bellies jerks tears, it's getting better each day. The first day was the hardest as I couldn't even glimpse at a baby or pg lady.

So like most you have to know what? Your feeling are 1,000% VALID!!!!

[sharilyn]

i can def relate. my best friend is pregnant, she is/was 5 weeks ahead of me...i look at her and want to cry most of the time. i keep trying to tell myself that i am happy for her, and i really am but shes 27 week along and i just look and think i should look like her now too...she keeps saying about how her baby is moving and she'll grab my hand to let me feel and i wanna run away. but i love her and i'm so excited that she is excited...i just wish i didn't feel so crapy