[Celena]

Have you mc'd before and after having babies?

If so was it harder on you before you ever had a child or was it harder after?

I'm on a fricken rollarcoaster of emotions, thought I was doing better yesterday and that today might be better as well... something triggered that deep pain, emptiness inside my heart.

I've only suffered losses that I know after I've had kids, it pains me in a way knowing what I've been thru with my kids pg & births, lives that it's all I think of how I've *lost* that with my baby. I try to tell myself that God will provide a healthy pg & healthy body for that baby to come back in, but of course it will always feel different.

I'm just wondering if it was harder on you emotionally after having kids that you've noticed?

Thanks again!

I can totally sympathize with you. I don't talk about it much at all but I feel safe in here - I had three losses before I got PG with DS and for some reason I never grieved until I had my most recent loss in Feb. I think a lot of it had to do with all the emotion of having DS, like a what-you-don't-know-won't-hurt-you type of thing. With the first three losses, I was with someone in a totally dysfunctional relationship. It made me so anxious about being pregnant that it took me a long time to realize that the losses weren't my fault, that life works in mysterious ways. So the answer to your question is yes, it was a lot harder. (Sorry to be so long-winded!)

[Celena]

THANK YOU, Spud'sMommy... I wondered if I was crazy! The first loss I had was after my DS before my DD, it was super early like 4wks2ds and I didn't take it well and ran thru saddness, anger, jealousy but not nearly as hard as I had taken this lil one's loss. My DH and I have no kids together and he's been pleeding with me for a while, 2+ years. I had my iud out last april'08 and since then found out I had FM (fibromyalgia) and hadn't convieved that I knew of until July 17th with a + hpt. I wasn't trying to accept it at first, rather numb and afraid to get excited, but I did and soon after this all started happening. I didn't want to believe it and held onto any glimmer of hope that it was just long implantation (they kept telling me it was normal) all hpt's were still + as I kept testing to relieve my axieties. Until the 2 er visits and 2 OB visits did the bad news break and I STILL didn't want to believe it!!!

I listened to one of my friends who is 6mos pg, she had very heavy bleeding and was told 2x's she was going to lose it... however months later she and babe are fine. So deep down I hoped I would be so lucky, or perhaps it was twins and I was losing one.

Long story short, I'm devastated, my husband cannot understand and he tries to. I tell him to look at the kids and think about the joys of losing those, he says perhaps I've been connected since day one with the lil on growing inside of me that it's just harder on me than it is him. It's ok one minute and 5 later I'm aching. I've been trying to hide it from my kids, we have yet to tell them what happened as I cannot bring myself to say it.

Sorry to ramble... I just have to get it out!

Let it out, sister!

I thought for a while too that maybe I was still PG and had lost a twin - I went through about 2 weeks of nausea after my loss. I just had to keep that little glimmer of hope alive, because my odds of another pregnancy seemed so slim. My MIL is the worst - the "oh, you can just have another one" type comments are really hurtful, and she doesn't know my history. Still, why would you say that?? Everyone around me keeps saying that we can just try again, but it's not that easy (although I wish it was). Keep the faith - it's not about life getting easier, it's about us getting stronger.

[Celena]

Thanks!

this is unrelated to my original post, but here I go so more...

I feel really weak today... I have gotten a letter in the mail a little bit ago that has me weaping. Just when things cannot get any worse they do. It's unrelated, but to be really at a low point and to get kicked just makes it worse. I just want to HIDE.

I'm dreading work and it's all I'm thinking about... I found out today that my Dr's office suggested and wrote me to be out of work until the 10th. It's too late today for me to tell tham about the letter. So I'll go in, but I just do not want to face all those people. I'm panicking inside... just do NOT want to explain why I'm not talking and joking or being my "usual" self a million times. I'm afraid I'm going to EXPLODE and run out the back door of my kitchen at work.

I know they may understand, I just don't know if I can do it yet.

[momof6lopez]

I can relate to this as well. I never had a loss before my first baby. Then had my second baby 2yrs later, with no losses either. The the big one hit, befor my thrid son I had a m/c at 14wks. Absolutely devestating. Grieved for about 4 months, and then went on to have my third son. Had a early loss of 5wks before getting pg with my daughter and that one I did not grieve, only because I was diagnosed with cancer cells on my cervix and had to have a leap. The leap caused the m/c but I was so worried of cancer and having three children already, I felt that I had still come out ahead, KWIM? Then I got divorced last year, married a wonderful man and lost our first in Jan/09. Then got pg in Feb right away and lost that one at 9.5wks. I was more than devestated, borderline comitable (if thats a word, lol)

I do think having children before losses makes it much harder because we know the joy of giving life. We know what is going to come next, how in love we will feel when they are born. Only someone who has given birth knows that feeling. But with that said, I feel more emotion for the one's on this board who have not had their babies yet and have had losses only. This to me in a sense has a higher level of a different pain. I cannot imagine what it is to feel like you "may never hold a baby of your own". That has to be more gut renching than how I feel, in my opinion.

[megs_babe1986]

I know how you feel completely! Last year I miscarried twice within 2 1/2 months and I already had a 6 month old. So it killed me and I was jealsous with other ppl! I am not all the way over it now! But I am going day by day and we are going to start trying again this fall so we will see! I am scared to death! GL to you!

[Celena]

I think y'all have most definitly hit the nails on the heads!

I cannot stop thinking about it, had to work tonight and haven't been back in a couple weeks so people were asking how I was feeling, calling me " _blank_momma" I couldn't swallow I got choked up so fast

[mum74]

I think i feel differently.. I had two boys with no m/c before/in between and then my 3rd pregnancy I m/c in March. I was able to take comfort from my boys and be so grateful for them. At the end of the day, I grieved for the baby I would not get to hold, but I also felt lucky that I did have two children at home and that helped me so much.

To have miscarried a pregnancy and not have previously had a pregnancy that ended in taking a baby home... well to go home and not have a child at home to give me hugs and just make me smile despite the grief.. for me I think that would have been harder. And then I'd still be on this ttc roller coaster like I am now, but at least I try to take comfort from the fact that I have had two healthy pregnancies and outcomes..

ladies - whichever way, it is tough.

[Celena]

[QUOTE=mum74;16794739] At the end of the day, I grieved for the baby I would not get to hold, but I also felt lucky that I did have two children at home and that helped me so much. [QUOTE]



I can understand that, I try to look at the blessings I do have for sure and consider myself lucky... I don't know if this adds to it, but my now husband and I do not have any children together. He wants so much for us to be blessed with a wee one, he took it ok perhaps because it's so different for us women.

Also our children were so excited... as stupid as it sounds, I feel like I let down my family

It's nice to know that I'm not the only one, but it's also nice to hear other ways of coping

[JMbreaksthelaw]

I had my son, no problems and since I have had 2 m/c in a row. I have no hope and feel like I will never have more children. Maybe if I didnt have 2 in a row I would be more hopeful but it just seems so bad. I just saw a new RE and he gave us a plan but I still am hopeless. Maybe I am too old now, I dont know. I am having more testing done but so far they havent found anything really major. They say I am totally healthy. We are now doing the karotype testing but who knows if that is the problem, we shall see. I know I should just be happy with one child and give up but I want it so bad.

Me(32) DH(34) DS(3) m/c 7/08 9w m/c 7/09 7w

[Celena]

Nooooo, you don't have to feel like "you should just me happy with one child!" NOT AT ALL!

I can totally relate about feeling like you may not have another or that you're too old, but NEITHER is true!

The girls I went to high school with are just now starting their families and they're all 32-36... (I'm 32 also) not to mention a friend's mother is pregnant and she's over 40.

THERE IS HOPE!!!

You know there is such a small window of time to make a baby, might just be missing it or something simple... Go outside and get some sunshine, reduce your stress if you can (I'm trying to also) It will happen, just not always when we want it to

BIG BIG HUGS

[mum74]

Originally Posted by celena

Nooooo, you don't have to feel like "you should just me happy with one child!" NOT AT ALL!

I can totally relate about feeling like you may not have another or that you're too old, but NEITHER is true!

The girls I went to high school with are just now starting their families and they're all 32-36... (I'm 32 also) not to mention a friend's mother is pregnant and she's over 40.

I agree with this.. you don't have to feel like one child should just be enough - you can't help how you feel. I did have moments like this (and still do). I always wanted 3 children, but after my m/c I thought, perhaps I should just be grateful for what I do have - 2 happy children........... but yet....I still want another child! I can't help how I feel and while my head often still tells me that maybe it wasn't meant to be, my heart says differently!

Also agree with Celena about age. A lot of my friends, including myself, are having children right now and we are all 30 to 35 or older (I'm 35). Online, I'm on the JM TTC older members forum and the ladies there are great so if you want to visit us feel free. When I saw you were 32, I thought no way should you be considering yourself too old for this!!!!

Celena - I understand how hard it would be to have your children so excited (and to want a child with your now dh). We hadn't told our sons as I m/c at 8.5 weeks and I didn't want to tell them til after my 12 week scan. So I'm glad about that. But my 4 year old noticed the other day that my friend has 3 children and he had a talk to me about how he wants to 'be 3 kids', that he 'wants 3 kids, like Sofie' (Sofie is the baby of my friend's 3 children). He asked 'why are we just 2?'. I said, just because you are! I didn't know what else to say, but it did make me a little sad to think well actually, I should have been 6 months pregnant and been able to say to him, well remember there will be 3 of you soon!!! Oh well, hopefully soon I will be able to say that to him.

[JessP]

I do think it is different when you m/c after having one but I think either way is really hard. I think that we all greive for the children we lost. I have a lot of people who just assume that because baby poff was an unplanned pregnancy we should just stop. I have a boy and a girl why would I need more. So many of the people around me think I am crazy for still wanting to try again. That I should be happy for what I have. But you know what I say to heck with all of them. I will have another one and poo on them. You are not to old, I am 30 and there are women much older than us having babies. I was very grateful for my DD who hugged me and told me it would be ok. She is starting to ask more again if we are prgenant or if there is a baby in my belly LOL. Maybe she can tell we are going to start trying again. I did not have a loss prior to my other children. I did almost lose both of them or rather have threatened m/c. And honestly when we got to 13 weeks I thought this last one was just like the first two and we were in the clear. I know I am going to be a wreck when we get pregnant again. Am I even still on topic? Oh geez side track LOL. Well anyway that is my 2cents. I hope we all get BFP very soon .

[Celena]

LOL, yes you're on the subject still... We want a baby together, maybe 2 according to DH... LOL! We were going to see how things happen by me getting my IUD out last april'08 and it took all the way until July'09 to get pg. It was totally unexpected since we weren't really trying trying... I'm so sad because I was so scared to accept it at first and when I finally did the devasting happened. I feel so empty, in my womb and my chest lately. I cried myself to sleep last night for 5 hours, when I couldn't hold the roaring in I hid in the living room buring my face into my pillow and blanket.

People have told me to be thankful for the blessings I have had, my 3 biological children and my soulchild from my DH. (stepDD) We feel like it would complete our circle, our infinite unity! The kids were so happy, they haven't said a word about it since I finally broke down yesterday and told them... I had to, I don't like to keep any truth from them, it's our family and it would affect them too! Perhaps that's why last night it was so rough.

I think I'm off the subject now...

[charm]

I hope I can join in lol I has a missed m/c in Feb and after that everyone said to me be grateful for what you have I have 2 beautiful children don't get me wrong I am so grateful but the m/c broke my heart in a way I will never feel the same way again and I would like two more if I am ever able to conceive again I think it's painful either way but my heart truley bleeds for people who don't have children I know I am blessed and I actually try not to talk about my children on here incase I upset anyone now I am off track sorry I pray you fall pregnant soon goodluck kup!!

[momof6lopez]

Celena, Im also in a new marriage and this was our first together. All we want is one baby together. I have four and he has two. We just want to make our own little miracle together. I have never felt this way before, wanting a baby because Im so in love with my husband that I want to further it even more. So I do understand about your feelings with your DH. Kind of makes us a new group here, altough we have children, its like our first all over again.

[amandakay29]

I had a loss prior to the birth of my son. I haven't had a loss after...knock on wood. I lost my very first pregnancy. I grieved for my baby but I also felt like I may never have children and that something was wrong with me. I was almost convinced I may never be able to have children. With my current pregnancy I had a few scares in the beginning but I think I would of grieved in a totally different way. Does that make sense?

I hope everybody gets their BFP's soon!!

[Celena]

My heart totally goes out to those who have yet to have children no doubt about it and I understand it's a totally different grieveing process. The analyzing of all the "why's and what if's" are different too. I'm so sorry for those who haven't had a child yet, truely sorry.

I am sorry if I sound selfish...

My husband thinks I'm silly for coming here to talk

Anyways, long story short... I do feel like it's my first time because it will be our first together, it's been so long since I've been pg with my other children and to be truly in love with my husband makes it different too.

I've had so many fears and axieties in the past year 4 mos over getting pg that I was glad it hadn't happened that I knew of. I didn't realize how much I wanted our little angel until I finally allowed myself to start getting excited, it was all ripped away soon after. I feel so empty inside now.... I feel guilty for feeling the way I did at first and in the past year, the fear, the axieties, not allowing myself to accept and be excited from day one. (of course there's a lil excitment, I didn't want to let myself feel it... does that make sense?)

I just hope that I (we) can make him a Daddy.... Make our children big sissy's and big brother's, my youngest was SO EXCITED that he was going to be a BIG BROTHER instead of the baby. (I was sorta sad he wasn't going to be the baby)

I'm just a mess, sorry for my ramblings. Every day my feelings are changing like the ups n downs of a rollarcoaster :'(