[krystal g]

In the last two days, both a co-worker and my brother's girlfriend, who I am very close to (she was my Maid of Honor!) have basically told me that having a miscarriage at almost 12 weeks isn't that big of a deal....because it wasn't really a baby yet or anything. Seriously! Now I know that losing a pregnancy farther along or having a still birth (God forbid!) would obviously be much more painful to go through...I don't deny that, but to say that to someone.......who does that? My co-worker is a man so I can forgive his insensitivity a little, but my FRIEND, who has never even been pregnant, has no excuse. And it's not like I even asked them or brought it up, it was just their input....like I had a science experiment gone wrong....better luck next time or something.....you were lucky cause it wasn't really a baby! What is wrong with people? And I'm supposed to see her this weekend....

[Celena]

That would have seriously P!SSED me off too!

I would have had to correct them even tho they didn't want to hear it, I didn't solicite their comments either!

I'm sorry, but what a couple of jerks!!!

[farasha]

I am SO SORRY! What a rude thing to say.... i've heard it too. Actually, I AM a scientist, so when I miscarried the first time - my boss actually SAID that my miscarriage was a FAILED EXPERIMENT! Ugh... !

I just don't think people get it. It's not that I want people to go through this so that they get it, it's just that I wish they'd shut up and let us feel whatever way we want too without their stupid input!

HUGS!

[ldovey83]

Wow hun I am sorry they said that to you.. Some people just don't think about things before they say it. I had someone tell me that just because i had a perfect pregnancy my first time didn't mean that all mine would be smooth, but it dosen't mean that we deserve to loose our babies either... Hang in there hun.

[Kary♥RN]

Krystal I am so sorry for what you are going through... This was posted very shortly after my last loss... I was having a very hard time with family and friends... I sent this out to them along with a little note.. saying "While, I know you don't know what to say to me, This letter puts alot of what I am feeling in to words I can not voice, along with so many other emotions I can not explain to you. I hope that none of you have to go throught this. I hope this letter can help you deal with me and other women that might have a loss, that may come into your life."

I will also be putting this on the main board... HUGS

What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss:
A letter from women to their friends and family
By: Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar.

The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.

When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

**Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

**Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

**Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between losing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

**Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

**Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

**Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

**Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

**Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

**Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

**Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died" or "when I was pregnant" don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

**Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

**Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.



~Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

~Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

~Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.

If you're my boss or my co-worker:

~Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

~Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

[momof6lopez]

Well, Kary said it best. I pray to god that your friend never has to feel what you did to understand your pain.

[mlyster]

I am SO sorry she said that. I have noticed that a lot of people do not understand (mostly those who have never gone through it but the odd one who has as well) and there is nothing we can do to make them understand. I have 3 sisters whose reactions to my miscarriage were mixed. One of them sent flowers and we really didn't talk much about it (that was the best response), one could not stop talking about how devastating it is that I lost the baby and the third (who had recently miscarried and was pregnant again) basically told me it was not big deal and brushed it off. Such different reactions from people who were so close to me and could see how much it was affecting me.

You can not control how people react to miscarriage - especially if they have never experienced it. All you can control is how you react to them. If I was in your shoes I would sit down and talk to her and let her in on how you are feeling. Let her know that from the moment you see the 2 lines come up on a test IT IS A BABY. I saw a grief counselor after my first miscarriage and she put it in the best away. She said that the moment we find out we are pregnant the child entire life becomes a reality and we immediately have all these hopes and dreams for our child. When we miscarry all of those hopes and dreams are put on hold and no matter if you were pregnant for one day or 8 months... those hopes and dreams are there. Until someone is pregnant and feels that they do not understand that sense of loss.

Sorry that was so long and rambly - congratulations for getting through it and I hope it helped

[JessP]

I am so sorry they were mean and hurtful. Some people just don't get it. Kary thanks for posting that it was wonderful and emotional all at once.

[~~~Sara~~~]

I am so sorry, some people just don't "get it".

I am so sorry for your loss.

[Trish36]

I don't even know what to say....wow! how insensitive! your friend should just shut up!

[~InHisHands~]

That was rude & insensitive. I'm sorry!

[midwestmama]

I am so sorry that people are saying hurtful things. Some people never will understand unless it happens to them. Not that I wish this for anyone.

[bev26]

I've also had friends say that a m/c before 12 weeks is no big deal. I'm so sorry they said that to you. I've found most people want to soothe you, but end up dismissing what is ultimately a traumatic loss.

And Kary, thanks so much for posting that letter. It made me cry, but it definitely hit the nail on the head. I've had one fabulous friend who got pregnant right before I lost mine, and she's never said anything but that she was sorry and that she was there to listen. I am so grateful to her for that.

[Oreobaby]

I'm so sorry they felt the need to give you their input...I don't care how many weeks you were pregnant for...it was still your baby, and you are emotionally attatched to it from the beginning, and already love it with all of your heart, and it is heart breaking!!!

[mum74]

I'm sorry - I agree that a male coworker is more likely to make an insensitive remark and 'get away with it' - but your friend... it's just not good enough. It's not like you ever want your friend to experience it, but it would probably be the only way that she would ever understand - what it is to pin your hopes and dreams on something before you can see it, feel it etc. It was a baby and I'm very sorry she was so rude. Personally if a friend had said that to me, I would not have been able to see her on the weekend or possibly for quite a long time.

Even though she doesn't understand, and can't help what she thinks, she must know you are very upset and she could have chosen not to say anything (especially as you said you didn't ask her opinion!).

[..Penelope..]

I'm sorry that they were so insensitive, honey.

[..Penelope..]

I'm sorry that they were so insensitive, honey.