[charlierays]

I'm sorry that I haven't posted here much. But I'm always lurking and always amazed at how wonderful everyone is here. I find some solace in reading the posts...I hope you don't mind. I seem to have a difficult time getting involved because sometimes I feel obsessed with TTC and this just hasn't been good for me.

I'm in my 3rd cycle after the d&c and I fully expected that I would be feeling better mentally by now, but for some reason I'm not. I seem to be slipping further and further. I don't like the person that I've become...feeling sorry for myself and "hating" (i hate that word) being around or even talking about other preggos...especially my SIL who is due in November...same month as I was =( BTW, my MIL planned her baby shower on the weekend of me and dh's 10th anniversary and we were planning on going away. This felt like the final boot print on my face....i know its not intentional, but i can't even celebrate my anniversary and I will be miserable instead.

We are TTC but I almost feel like I'm not fully into it because of my fears. I'm about 3dpo now...and in the tww...and i know that in about a week I am going to dump a ton of money on those darn sticks for nothing yet again. I feel beaten and worn and I question whether I will ever be able to give DS a siblling and it kills me. We went through so much to have him and now I feel like I have nothing left.

I'm tired of feeling this way and I'm beginning to wonder if I need some professional help....someone to talk to. No one has even asked me how I am doing since about a week after the d&c...not even DH...like its ignored or nobody cares...its awful.

How do I deal with my feelings of failure and sadness and jealousy and anger? I'm open for suggestions! Help me please!

[mlyster]

It is completely normal to feel this way. I have been down in the dumps right a long with you. I find I go through cycles of this and then the next one is much more positive. It is alright to let yourself feel it. That being said I did see a grief counsellor and found great comfort in her words (she specialized in miscarriage and still birth loss). I also find when in a funk I retreat from here but that does no t make sense because these woman are the only people in my life who actually know what I am going through. DH does not get it but is a great support and shoulder to cry on. My family does not get it at all and are very focused on my new niece and NO ONE has mentioned it since about a week after - just like you!

We are here for you. You are allowed to carry around a little black cloud every now and again. What I have found that helps is finding something else to keep your mind occupied. For me I started running and focusing on it does not take away or even lessen these days but it gives me something to plan and count on!

[Kary♥RN]

HUGS... I know how you are feeling. Like Michelle said above... It is ok to feel this way.. While you may not like how you feel... (I know some weeks are worse for me) It is what it is. Your feelings are neither right or wrong.. People don't understand, Unless you have been through a loss.. and know what it feels like to like with day after day.. to be reminded of it everytime you walk out your door, turn on your TV, or have to look at a calendar and think wer you SHOULD be... and be reminded you are not.. I am now going on 7 months since my d/e... I can't say it has gotten easier, but it has gotten harder in other ways.. I have been ttc for over a year now.. and in that time I have had two losses.. I have become more obsesive to become pregnant.. but these past two cycles.. I have had less of a desire to PAOS.. so maybe it is finally getting a little easier.. but than again.. every week is different.. HUGS for what you are going through... We are here for you. HUGS

[farasha]

I'm so sorry hun. I feel like I am in the same place as you right now. Many of us probably feel the same way. I guess at least that means that it's normal, and that we understand, but I know that doesn't help you have happier days.

For me, it seems like every month that goes by just brings more ttc problems. I definitely have those days when I just fight with DH just because I'm so angry, and I hate being so upset when I see babies and pregnant women, imagining what I should be doing right now instead of what I am doing. I do have some better days than others. It helps when I keep myself busy and preoccupied, involving things where I probably won't be around stuff that upsets me. I'm trying to also get back into things I used to enjoy but have let go. I try to have things to look forward to, so that I'm not thinking about POAS or O'ing every single second, although I admit I think about these things for the majority of my day.

I don't know if I have the right things to say to you that would make things easier, but I do want you to know you have the support whenever you need it. HUGS.

[missy123]

Oh honey, what you are feeling is completely normal. I have days like you do when the whole world feels like it is crashing in and I give up on even thinking I will have another baby. The pain from my losses is still there, not as raw but I still feel it. No one understands but you all here and that is why I lean on you all. No one has asked how I am feeling either. Thank goodness for my friend Lori (who is also on this board).

Stay here, vent and grieve. You would be suprised but we understand. You are not alone, we are here for you.

[Celena]

I had written a very long post and *POOF* gone! Grrrr!

All in all I wanted to tell you to NOT beat yourself up over how you're handling it. We are all different and handle it differently, we grieve differently, we suffer in different lengths of time emotionally, we take different amounts of time to heal physically.

I think as far as others... DH, family & friends, they do not know how to comfort you I'm sure... what seems as insensitivity is probably them not knowing how to approach you to comfort or support. They probably think they're being a good friend, etc if they don't bring it up as it may be still so fresh and painful for you. Just express to hubby, family, friends your feelings... it can really help you get thru your grieving process just talking about it. Let them know how you feel and how they can be there for you.

Something that might be hard to look at or *see* is that you had your lil miracle man... so you can concieve again, it's not going to replace the pregnancy you have lost by any means but there is no evidence (unless medically concluded) that you will miscarry again. Some people do, some don't, but having one does NOT make you prone to subsequent miscarriages unless there is a medical problem. That's a fact! Also it's not healthy to worry yourself or stress over something, you need to take care of you. Those things can prevent pregnancy, so try to relax It CAN happen!

If you feel emotionally unhealthy, then take time to take care of you... it won't hurt for you to take time to heal and grieve your loss before TTC again. UNLESS you want to that is entirely up to you. But don't forget to take care of you We're ALL most definitly here for your support!

I haven't been here long and have been thru my own crazy roller coaster ride... I have to say tho, that everyone has been very helpful!!! (and definitly made a GOOD difference)

[..Penelope..]

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time, honey.

[momof6lopez]

Im sorry for your pain and can relate to everything you typed. Sometimes PMing someone you feel gave you a bit of some impact might help too. I love coming here, but when I really want to let it all go, I talk to my friend Missy, who I met on JM. Sometimes we just need that one on one

[charlierays]

I just wanted to thank you all for the validation. Its just so hard (as you know) and our ttc road has been so incredibly long and bumpy...It has consumed the last 5 years of my life. I love my ds to no end...don't get me wrong. I thank the lord every day for him. But in my heart and soul I am just not done...i want to give him a sibling and it hurts that I have no control over this.

Well thanks again for listening and I will try to stick around!

[Celena]

Charlierays... EXACTLY! Wow, you totally hit the nail on the head about not having any control over it!!! That is what probably drives us all to the edge at times... :-S

[mrsissa]

I also can relate to how you are feeling. My husband and even discussed postponing ttc for now cause this whole process takes such a toll on you but we couldn't actually bring ourselves to actually take any steps to prevent pregnancy when we want it more than anything. I hope you feel better soon and find what works to keep you sane and HAPPY! Hugs

[JessP]

I hope you start feeling better soon. I am sorry it is so frustrating for you guys. We are 5.5 months out from our D&C and we still aren't actively TTCing. We will be after this cycle coming in a couple days. I hope you are able to get pregnant soon. I hope this is your month.