[Celena]

I'm really at a loss, I try and try and try to explain... he doesn't get it! I told him how he COULD be there for me even if he cannot understand or stand to see me crying in so much pain... but STILL he doesn't get it and just pushes me away or pushing me deeper into that emptiness. I feel so alone, the hole I feel in my chest is immersureable! I know y'all understand, but I'd really like to know how you and your DH's got thru it...

I feel like I'm alone having to deal with this when I think my husband should and could be there for me allot BETTER.

I understand not knowing one's pain unless you walk in their shoes, but he doesn't even try to relate.... all the things he's been thru I've been there to try to understand and relate in some way as to be supportive and understanding of him, his pain n hurts. I just don't understand

[mum74]

Celena. My dh struggled I think because he didn't want me to be upset, yet he didn't know what to feel himself. I miscarried at 8wks 4 days and he hadn't bonded yet with the pregnancy - which I can understand as normally he gets excited and feels it's 'real' once he's been to a scan with me, once I start to get a noticeable bump etc. I just told him that was okay but that I would be miserable for a while and he said he understood that.

I guess what I found hard was that when I would need to cry, he started talking about how he was worried about me getting depression. Now I have never had depression but this is how he sees things if I get sad for a while. I told him I knew I wasn't depressed, but that I was indeed very sad and I was going through a grieving process. All I needed from him was to give me lots of hugs even if he didn't know the right thing to say.

I am sorry he is pushing you away and making you feel so lonely. I don't know how you can explain it to him as obviously you have tried to. I guess I probably wrote out some of my sadder emotions on the pregnancy loss board where I knew that the ladies would understand, and I also emailed two close female friends a lot when I went through my stages of sadness, anger etc. And then I went to him for the hugs even though I wasn't pouring my heart out to him about it.

For me this was okay but maybe some other ladies will have some ideas in how better to get him to respond to what you're feeling.

again.

[alicenwonderland]

*Hugs* I'm sorry you're going through this. Men and women grieve very differently. After my loss, I felt like after the initial shock, my DH didn't care. One night while in bed talking in the dark, I started saying how i'm sad we'll never meet them, they don't have a name, we will never know if they were a boy or a girl... I was just rambling until I heard a little sniff. I look over and DH was sobbing. Turns out he was just trying to put on a strong front for me. Seeing that show of emotion really helped me. Maybe talk to your DH, and see how he feels. For the rest of the time, DH would let me grieve alone. To help me cope, dh bought me a memory necklace, and we named our baby Sora. We felt she was a girl even that early. Talking with women in real life, who had losses also helped.

[Trish36]

HUGS! Just remember that men deal with pain in different ways than we do. They are not good at showing emotions or even comforting someone else. Maybe he is just shutting you out because he doesn't want to think about the loss and that's his way of trying to heal. Not much of help to you though. My DH pretty much said "we are going to try again right away" after our first loss. And that was it from him. I just don't even bring it up to him anymore, because he's convinced that it's the same baby trying to come back over and over again and if I start crying over my chemical pregnancy, he gets mad saying that it's going to happen stop jinxing it. Men are just a different breed. I wish I could give you advise. I pretty much grieve on my own and on this board.

[Celena]

Mum74 : My DH has has said that too, I try to explain that I've been/felt depression and this isn't that... it's a emptiness where I feel like I lost a part of me. DH thinks kinda like your DH, the crying for periods of time and any other emotion other than happy means you're depressed. Going to a doctor to get medication pill isn't going to *fix* me right now and if it gets too bad, then I'll consider it.

My DH was so over-joyed, excited... he told the world about the pregnancy, but when I told him I wasn't ready to tell everyone he said I was crapping on his excitment. He "says" now that after two losses he understands why and feels bad that he did that. Altho' in the heat of the moment when he's ticked off he still brings it up as if I was crapping on his excitment... that hurts, he just cannot see why it's painful. I have to constantly tell people I've lost our babies, it is a dagger in my heart and he doesn't have to deal with that. His thoughts are "who cares what they think" oh ya that really works. GRR!

AliceInWonderland : I wish my DH would show some emotion other than meanness, I know he's capable of expressing himself but it comes out as anger, frustration. I know it has to effect him somehow, he said he's sad but cannot stand to see me go from high to the lowest low and in so much emotional pain. If only he would shut up long enough and drop the defensive wall and just listen and perhaps share his feelings we can get thru it. I've suggested that with other issues we've gone thru if he expects me "to get over it" There's a healing process and I guess being a man he hasn't learned that.

(he's been thru allot so when we met he had ALLLLLOT of baggage, together I helped him release most of it thru feeling dealing with his emotions about it and becoming at peace with it rather than being angry. He's come a long way, he always says how much I've taught him and helped him become a better person, to see the positive rather than the negative and I'm the only person that has supported him, always been there no matter what and truly PUSHED him to work for his dream of tattooing.)

So with all that said it baffles me why after he says he's learned so much, etc etc etc... then why can he not be there for me is so hurtful.

I would like to make a little memory "something" so that we'll never forget... maybe he could help in thinking, creating it.


Trish36 : My DH said that too... "Oh honey we can try again right away, we can get pregnant as soon as possible and plan it... chart temp those test thingies, and we'll plan it so we can be prepared" It put a sparkle in my heart. Of course I know we can *try* again, but telling me that over and over and over doesn't steal the pain from my heart. It's like he expects me to magically blink and it's done.

He also thinks me being pregnant again is going to "cure me" and make me happy... of course I will be happy, but it won't fix the hurt.... I've also had to tell him about the worries, especially in the first 12-20 weeks!

Thank you ladies so much for opening up about your expierences... It let me have a good cry hearing your times with DH. GIGANTIC HUGS to all of you and thank you so so so so so MUCH!

Y'all have definitly helped allot