[rebeccabaltimore and more]

Well, I'm pregnant. And I'm not really all that excited. Just really, really scared. I'm afraid of morning sickness - I had it so bad with Ethan I was hospitalized. I'm scared of miscarriage - my mom had several and I remember them vividly. I'm afraid of diabetes - that's why Ethan died. I'm scared I will hurt this baby with high blood sugar or hurt both of us with dangerously low blood sugar. I'm scared I am pregnant with multiples - there's a 30% chance I am - because the morning sickness is worse and the babies more at risk for a host of bad things.

And I'm angry. I shouldn't be robbed of the joy of finding out I'm pregnant. I shouldn't be pregnant at all, I should be caring for a newborn. I am never going to be naively joyful about pregnancy again. I definitely don't feel pregnant. I mean I feel hyperstimulated and nauseous and all that, but emotionally, cognitively, I don't feel pregnant.

And I'm sad. Ethan died seven months ago today. I miss my little guy. I worry that he's mad at me for being pregnant again. I feel guilty for this baby, he/she deserves for me to be excited about having him/her. I'm not unhappy, just kind of ambivalent.

Is this normal?

[Celena]

Rebecca.... I cannot say that I'm not happy for you.... I'M SUPER EXCITED & THANKFUL that God has blessed you. CONGRATS!!!

on the flip side....

I couldn't help but cry when I read your post.... you sound very emotional rightfully so. I'm sorry about Ethan, but he's not going to be angry with you!!!! God has taken him and I'm sorry for the pain it has caused you. He helped *tell you* something without even saying a word. He's a silent angel, but an ANGEL none the less... angel in the way of a blessing, your guardian, watching over you. He helped to tell you about a medical condition with you, if you can see what I'm trying to say... and I mean no disrespect, but a positive silver lining to the grey sky.

Please let yourself be the least bit excited.... you said the other day, yesterday to be exact that you would be pissed if you're not pregnant... well SURPRISE you are!!! YOU ARE PREGNANT, it's ok, let yourself relish in it a teensy bit. The worries, fears, stresses and everything are going to be there but also this time it is totally different!!!! Who's to say the MS is going to be nearly as bad, it generally is triggered by blood sugar fluctuations and now that you know you have diabetes, it can be controlled better... right?

Rebecca, I want so much for you to be happy, excited and overjoyed that you're pregnant. However I can TOTALLY understand your feelings... you know where they are stemming from and it's normal to be concerned, scared and sad (especially with those HORMONES running wild in your body)

I can't say how I'll react to a pregnancy, I just don't know. I know I will definitly have my fears, axieties and crazy emotions!

[mlyster]

Yes this is all normal! Don't worry Rebecca you will get more excited as time go by. You will get more comfortable with the idea as you start getting all the good news I am sure you will get!

YAY you are pregnant and will be able to tell your new little one all about Ethan!

[sodagirl]

Hugs!!!!!!! I keep feeling happy and then crying. I thought I would be in labour today - not getting a BFP. I'm not entirely sure how to help - but to tell you you're not alone. hmm maybe out angel babies get to play together in heaven I promise Ethan's not mad. Only angels could know how much we love them and miss them - they want us to be happy! feel free to pm me if you want - lets try to be a little excited k? but remember that sadness and tears are totally cool too.
love and hugs and sticky baby dust

[Kary♥RN]

Rebecca CONGRATS! I am so happy for you.... What you are feeling is so normal... and it ok to feel this way. You have every right to mad, sad, scared and EXCITED... I know how hard it is to let yourself go and enjoy. We all on this board have been robbed of that. And instead given that constiant fear. Please talk to us, but most of all go to PAL... these ladies are going through the same feelings. They will help you ge through the next 9 months. We'll be here also.. but they are the experts..

Rebecca... WHOO HOO... GIRL YOUR PREGNANT! YOU GOT YOUR HAPPY ENDING... Run with it! Scream it! WHOOO HOOOO

[L-SBB]

First off - congrats Rebecca!!! I wish you and your little one(s) a very safe, happy and healthy pregnancy.

Everything you're feeling is totally natural...I also had horrible m/s with my first pregnancy which left me really nervous/ambivalent about going through it again with this pregnancy (which i did, but was better prepared for it). I also felt very cheated - I found out I was pregnant about 2 months from my EDD for my 1st pregnancy...so while there was some comfort in being pregnant again it also put my key viability assessments (8wks & 12wks) right over that EDD period which just amplified my fear for this pregnancy. One of the things m/c does is robs us of an innocence - particularly during the early stages of the pregnancy...and I wish all of us could regain at least a little of it back just to ease our minds a little.

I just encourage you to take this day to day now...it will feel more real and you will find joy in this pregnancy too. HUGS

[rebeccabaltimore and more]

There are things to be excited about. I made a pregnancy ticker, and we are going out to dinner to celebrate tonight. We are going to pick out a nickname. And I'm due the day after my anniversary and the day before my beloved MIL's bday! And although my mother's reaction wasn't great (between her losses and mine she is ultra super paranoid). Everybody else was SO excited (except our dog, she doesn't get it, we keep telling her though.) I can't wait to tell my niece.

But it is so nice to be able to come here and freak out a little and you all totally get it and know exactly what to say to make me feel better!!!! And when the discomfort of ovarian hyperstimulation (the consequences of aggressive fertility treatment) wears off, hopefully I will grow more excited. If I get M/S that is survivable you won't be able to keep me from tap dancing down the driveway!!!

[Trish36]

Rebecca I just wanted to say CONGRATS on your BFP!!!!!!! I know it is really hard not worrying about everything but you will be able to enjoy this pregnancy in time. This time you know the risks and can try to prevent them ahead of time..monitor your diabetes etc. I am so happy for you!!!!

[farasha]

Oh Rebecca... I totally understand all your fears, but I am still so happy for you. It is horrible that we are not as innocent when we go into a pregnancy anymore, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't be able to enjoy it too. I'm happy that you're going out with DH to celebrate and pick out a nickname! That is too cute!
Just take each day one at a time. I know you'll be thankful for each of them. I can't wait to meet your healthy and happy baby in 9 months. CONGRATS and BIG HUGS! I hope we can support you whenever you need it!

[PixieQueen]

I know what you mean about feeling ambivalent. I felt so bad, because in the beginning I just couldn't get excited about my pregnancy. Even now I have a hard time buying stuff for the baby and I'm almost 26 wks! I'm more excited now, but I think I still have a little of the "I'll believe it when I see it" attitude going on.

[ldovey83]

Congrats hun.. I totally understand how you feel.. In my poem I wrote I said that I feel I was b eing robbed of the very miracle of life... It in a way is like that.. You constantly worry worry worry and freak out and it is sooo hard to enjoy. I am super excited to see you got your BFP.. I am sending tons of sticky bean dust to you and I wish you a happy and healthy 9 months.

[.:Shortcake:.]

Congrats on your BFP! I am so happy for you... I hope with time your fear eases.

[starrsgirl]

Huge congrats to you! You conquered that first step and got pregnant...now just take it step by step. Don't get too overwhelmed with thinking down the line just yet. You are absolutely completely normal to feel the way you do! There's nothing wrong with you. And there is no way Ethan is mad at you. He is excited at the prospect of a brother or sister...and hopefully one that will keep you company for many years to come. You can and will have a healthy pregnancy. Just follow your doctor's advice and know that it's worth all the sacrifices to watch everything you eat. One day at a time! Congratulations again!

[Mel1979]

Congrats on your BFP! We all understand your fears and you are right, none of us deserve to be robbed of that first pregnancy innocence. I wish I could give it back to all of us! I really hope with each passing day the anxiety gets easier to handle it and hopefully you may even be able to enjoy it at some stage.

I am 7 weeks and 2 days today and although I am so happy and feel blessed to have gotten my BFP I struggle with the anxiety every day.

Best of luck and I hope the morning sickness isn't too bad.

[..Penelope..]

Rebecca, I had to giggle over telling your dog. That is so cute! She will definitely understand when baby comes!

I just wanted to say congratulations again!!!!!!!!!!! And give you huge

[Ryleeroo]

Rebecca:

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy for you! Yay! Yay! Yay! Honey, its completely normal. I have been pregnant for almost 13 weeks and have not been excited until today ( my nuchal scan was today) I just went through the sickness and exhaustion thinking It wasnt gunna get me anywhere kinda like my last pregnancy!

But sweety, I am so excited for you! Take it one day at a time and pretty soon weeks will have past!

Healthy baby dust for you!!

[missy123]

I just want to say I am super happy for you Rebecca. You are going to go through a lot of extra emotions and fears that others don't experience but we will be here for you through all of it. CONGRATULATIONS!

[JessP]

Oh I am so glad you got a BFP! Congratz! I am so sorry you are scared. I agree with the other ladies take it day by day. I wish you a happy and healthy 9 months.

[mum74]

Congratulations and no way is Ethan going to be angry at you. He will want you to be happy and to have a baby on earth to hold and love. He knows you won't forget him.

I am sorry you have been robbed of the excitement - not just from losing Ethan, but from your Mom's losses too.

I am sending but CONGRATULATIONS too..!

[~InHisHands~]

Oh, Rebecca, what great news! I am so happy for you!

I think being pg after a loss is so scary... don't you wish we could just have our babies delivered to us in perfect conditions 9 months from now!