[Celena]

So today I've been *ok* I've had my weepy moments, my flight of fury, etc... but overall I've been pretty *ok*

AND had met a friend for lunch at a Mexican restaurant, we were having a great time and she's ALWAYS good to crack me up. Today she had me about PIMP laughing when DH calls. He calls to tell me that "his psychic wife" with her dreams and talk of twins called it... a friend's wife found out today they are having TWINS, she's almost 9wks. I was shocked good and bad, said how cool... then my mood just went somber. I tried to get off the phone rather quick with him because it choked the laughter out of me. I struggled to keep the tears from welting up in my eyes from running down my face. Had tried to be happy n nice, but I couldn't help but to say "when will it be our turn, that should be me!" God please forgive me for being so selfish!!! I just tried to, n sort of stopped myself right there from feeling so selfish. I don't want to be negative and DH later made a point that altho' he will never understand the pain inside of me, that he wants to be positive so "we'll be blessed sooner." I guess all that preaching, practicing about karma is coming to bite me in the arse. (ok, so I'm trying to make light of the situation) I've always been a very selfless, earthy, optimistic, loving and carefree soul... it's so unlike me to be selfish like that.

I know, I know... it's normal to have a twinge of jealousy and other feelings.

HOWEVER, I want to say that I actually have thought allot about this couple... the wife has 2 kids from a previous relationship and they have none together. They haven't ever really "tried" to and they did get pg once before (YRS ago), which ended very soon after in a loss.... My heart went out to her, I don't think anyone ever deserves that sort of pain.

Fast forwarding..... I had secretly hoped they would be blessed again and IRONICALLY lately out of nowhere started asking about them. Probably due to her loss, I dunno?! (which is why as soon as DH saw / talked to him he called me) I had seen the friend, the hubby, around geesh 4-5wks ago when I had to run to one of our other restaurants in the co. he works at. I talked to him making small talk and asked about his wifey, if they were going to try to have any babies together... he said he didn't know about that. (very animated, more or less, no, like I was nuts for asking) WELL, what do ya know??? LOL!!!

So I AM ABSOLUTLY happy for them! But I had moments of weaknesses today... I guess my vent about the situation is why while I was having a carefree little bit of a good afternoon did it have to be sorta subdued by my selfish, jealous feelings about someone else getting pregnant.

I have been conflicting with myself allot lately, mostly because of these WILD emotions I've been having. I can be my own worst enemy with my constant thinking and analyzing things... I'm a thinker

[JessP]

Oh hun I don't think you were intentionally trying to be a mean or selfish person. I still find myself seeing pregnant women and being jealous like why them and not me. I have to remind myself that I have no idea what their story is. You are emotional and that is ok. I am sure your DH had no idea it would upset you and probably thought you would be happy. Which it sounds like you are happy for them. I am glad you got out of the house with a friend that is always good for us. Lots of for you!

[Magicaledelishus]

Ohhh I hear you!
I used to work at a clinic (i'm a veterinary technician) that .. I dunno alllll of sudden as I left and was M/C'ing popped up with 4 (count em!) pregnancies. Everyone is doing great.. No losses, just great, healthy babies growing..
And I wonder.. What did I do that made this happen to me and to no one else (it seems; isn't true, I know..)
*sigh*
I have lost my optimism and happiness many a time with others when things like this happen. *hugs* i hear ya!

Oh Wow! This is so me at the moment.... I nearly burst into tears in yoga on Wednesday and on the train home from work on Friday thinking about all the people I know who are pg, that I am surrounded by people at work who are pg, who have had #2 bubs before me (that were ttc after me) etc....

I too try to remain positive and upbeat & think 'it is all about the timing' etc... but it wears you down.

We are into our 11th Month of TTC and two losses behind me & two previous losses before DD 1 and it has all gotten on top of me. I started to think why me? What is the universes/gods reasons for these losses? I still can't work out the answer.........and I don't really know if there is one???

I know that you know that you are not alone and have our support, but truly there is nothing wrong with occassionally thinking these not so positive thoughts from time to time - it's when it becomes all the time that I believe it is a problem.

*Hugs* Celena x

[Trish36]

It's absolutely normal to feel the way you do right about now. Of course you are happy for them, but you are thinking 'what about me'...it doesn't make you selfish. I saw maybe 5 or 6 pregnant ladies at work yesterday and each time I had to look away, cause I didn't want them to think that I was giving them the evil stare. Hang in there...your turn will come. Hopefully you'll get your BFP this weekend!!!

[momof6lopez]

Celena, you are a normal human being and all of these feelings are validated. If you did not feel this way, then you probably would not even be on these boards anymore and not TTC. Anyone who has been through what you have has the exact same thought process. Thank you for sharing, its like you reached into all of us and said what we sometimes have a hard time putting out there.