[Celena]

Well I've been sitting here thinking about some things.... one thing in particular I've been wishy washy about the past week. And that is...

What if I wasn't really "newly" pregnant after the first most recent loss?

Then I think about how that is somewhat irrational when all the signs, tests showed I had a loss and then went on to ovulate and get pg again. Like after my first recent loss, I did get a - hpt and no evap lines or nothing period. Then I went on to have fertile CM, and so on... but then I got to thinking that what "if" my levels went back up like the old dr thought and it was one of the 3 things he was saying 1)ectopic 2) retained tissue 3) rapidly dividing cell-ball.... then I think back to the 2 ultrasounds and the first showing a "lesion" in my uterus with a small simple cycst on right ovary (which is consistant with ovulation gearing up) the second being totally *CLEAR* so that would nulify the dr's thoughts showing no evidence of any of the things he thought. With the 2nd opinion from the new dr confirming my gut feelings... but I can't help to wonder! AND my levels were EXTREMELY high for the length along that I would have been anyways with the 2nd most recent pg... I think I would have only been at 7dpo with a blood hcg level of 147! (which doesn't seem right to me, again!)

I don't know why I've been questioning it...then again, it just doesn't make sense to me sometimes. Also, I think it is because this cycle has been extra long, BUT I have ovulated "on time" with my body's rhythm *PRIOR* to the first most recent pg & loss. Even with that one I O'd on time... it's just weird to me.

Am I making any sense? It's ok if I'm not, definitly over analyzing it at this point I think. It's just something sorta nagging on me.

Another thing on my mind is this cycle, there's conflicting info on which day I O'd so I could be 10dpo or 11dpo however my leuteal phase must be on the longer side since I've never been one to get a strong + on a hpt even on the day af is due. So my thoughts are, "well how long is it" I'm guessing since my cycles were pretty much 28-30 approx 15, maaaaybe 16 days long. So is due around the 17th, 18th then.

I had a huge temp drop yesteryday, it came "just barely below" my coverline... last night @ work had some strange sharp twinges and cramps on the left side and middle low abdomen. This am my temp then spiked back up today. Realizing that I took my temp way earlier yesterday, but I did get 3 or more hours sleep so I dunno how much it mattered in the time it was taken. Today it was taken at the normal time but I consistantly got 2 different numbers depending on which side of my mouth I took it, usually it's pretty close to the same and I take the repeated number as being correct. (does anyone else take it more than once to get an accurate temp?) It was quiet a difference... 97.8 & 98.5; .7 of a degree

Aye ya aye! too much thinking, I need a nap!

[JessP]

Holy moly girl I think you are thinking to much into it. But I could be wrong. My DH wants it to be romantic LOL. So I don't chart, poas or anything. I just read my body signs and hope I got them right. I hope you get everything sorted out.

[.:Shortcake:.]

I agree hun. Your overthinking it all! And I know its hard not to. I do it all the time. Hugs hun!

[Celena]

Ya I am... stuck in my head too much! Trying to make sense of something that isn't ever going to make sense.

[krystal g]

I can imagine that it would be really hard not to think about it, especially when you've had so many complications and dramas. I do it as well. I hope you start feeling better about everything. <<hugs>>

[momof6lopez]

Celena, it always takes me awhile to answer your posts, lol I think its because you put so much deep thought into them, I feel you deserve a thought out answer.

But in short, I think the reason you are starting to question your last loss is due to your brain trying to protect your mental well being. When something so tragic happens to a person, we go into shut down mode, accetping what ever it is on the table and as time goes by, we tend to start anyalyizing things again. Trying to make sense of something that hurt us so bad. Your doubting yourself is your way of saying "I forgive myself" and "because I will never know, its time to let myself heal from this pain"

I may be way off the mark here, but just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you.

[Celena]

Awe thank you, I do think allot Lori... I read and re-read it to make sure I'm saying what I mean and it's not confusing. Sometimes it just only makes sense in my head LOL.

I am definitly trying to heal, always have been one of those to deal with things right away emotionally, communicatively, everything... so I've been trying to attack things that are eating me up inside. This is just one thing I cannot rationalize. I know I just won't ever know and need to accept things the way they are. After the 2nd opinion it didn't make me feel better entirely like I had hoped... I ended up becoming numb.

My friend's said I was shutting down... I'm fighting back I'm coming back, trying to attack it. Like LL COOL J!

Thank you for everything, I will always be extremely GRATEFUL!

[Oreobaby]

sweetie!!

[momof6lopez]

You rock Celena, love your personality

[Mom 2 Avery]

Celena, have you tried journaling?
I know it can be very liberating to just get it out and onto paper!!!!

Good luck!
Dawna

[Magicaledelishus]

Oye, Celena!
My dear, I think you are thinking too much for sure..
I think Lori is right; I think you are trying to find closure and move on and that's great.. It doesn't make it ok or easy; but it's a great step in the right direction. Go you for being so **** in touch with your thoughts and emotions. I am envious. *hugs*