[soontobemommy]

I haven't been on here in awhile. I was originally due on April 14th and my hubby Nate and I went to the doctor to hear the heartbeat on Thursday 9/17/09. We found out our baby didn't have a heartbeat. The baby stopped developing around 9 weeks. I cried for 5 days straight and finally went in to get the D n C done. I had them do another sonogram before hand to help me accept what happend to us. We really want to try and have a baby again. We were both looking forward to being parents and I want to have high hopes that we will be loving parents very soon. How do you cope with such a horrible loss? When is the earliest we can start trying?

Thanks for your help..

Amberleigh

[stargatemommy]

I am so sorry for your loss! What a horrible thing to experience... It is recommended to wait 3 cycles. Especially after a D&C

[starrsgirl]

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. Your experience was just like mine. I actually had a good ultrasound around 7.5 weeks and then no heartbeat at 10 weeks. It is devastating. I know exactly what you are feeling. My doctor didn't care about trying to get pregnant again right away. I thought that's what we wanted too, but then I had such a hard time dealing with the grief that we had to put TTC on hold for a few months. Listen to your body and also to your emotions to decide what is right for you. Hugs!

[momof6lopez]

I can so relate to your loss. I had a wonderful h/b at 6.5wks and at 9.5wks the baby was found to be gone sincse 8wks. It took me a couple of months to absorb what had happened. My dr. recommened waiting 3 cycles, very strongly. I waited 2 cycles before starting, but my cycles were not regular until 5 cycles had passed. I dont even think I ovulated the first 1 or two. Everyone is different though and I believe when the body is ready, it will happen. Just remember that your uterine lining has been stripped extremely thin and may take a couple of cycles to thicken enough for a new pregnancy anyway. Again, Im so sorry for your loss.

[Trish36]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I also had my first loss at 12 weeks where we found out that the baby had stopped growing at 8 1/2 weeks. We started trying again about 2 weeks after the m/c. HUGS!!!

[krystal g]

I am so sorry for your loss. I can relate as well...we went for our first ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. The following day I started to miscarry naturally but bled so much that I had to go to the ER and chose to have a D&C. The surgeon told me to wait 3 months and my OB told me to wait 2 weeks. There is really no medical reason to wait; they usually tell you to wait until you have your first AF so it will be easier to date a pregnancy. We started trying again right away but so far have not had any luck. I think whenever you feel you are ready then it will be the right time. For me, TTC again was what I needed. I still grieve the baby we lost, but I just needed to try again for my own sanity.

[BigGrin]

I basically began TTC again immediately, the doctor said she preferred me to wait after one AF but that was for dating purposes. She said there was no physical reason for me to wait and I had a D&C done as well. So it really comes down to your own way of handling grief. For me I felt much better with a goal to focus on immediately, for some women they need time to heal emotionally. So basically it depends completely on you.

[zkat]

I am so sorry and understand where you are right now. I went for my first ultrasound at 9 weeks on 9-1 and there was no heartbeat and the baby stopped growing at around 7 weeks. I had a d&c the next day. My dr. told me to wait until my first AF and then I can start trying again.

The first couple of weeks are the hardest. It can be overwhelming. Just remember, that whatever you are feeling is OK. Sometimes you will be sad, and sometimes you are angry. Worse yet, every once in a while, you will let yourself laugh and then you feel guilty for forgetting that you are sad.



Kat

[KDD]

I am so sorry for your loss. We chose to wait for AF to arrive before we started to TTC again. My belief is you should wait as long as you feel you need to. Make sure you take some time to grieve.

[farasha]

HUGS.. I'm so sorry for your loss. We lost our first during our 11th week and found the baby had stopped growing at 9. I also had a D&C for that loss. We waited till after my first AF to start trying again, so that my body would have time to recuperate. Everyone's body is differently, and you should do what's best for you.

I don't think any of us really get over a loss, but talking to each other and crying and venting... it all helps. You need to take time for yourself and let yourself feel all your emotions. We're here if you need anything.

[jenine]

Sorry to hear about your loss

I just went through a natural m/c with my first pregnancy a little over a month ago. I wasn't told by anyone how long to wait but from reading up it seems like there is no real medical reason to wait as the other ladies have said. However, doctors usually recommend you to wait at least one cycle for the dating reasons.

I was charting though so I decided to try again this first cycle. I felt like I would be able to give a decent date because I know about when I ovulated from my temps. And, for me personally, I felt like the longer I waited the sadder it would be. I thought if I could get pregnant again right away it would be easier.

Also, lots of people had told me, just anecdotally, that you're more fertile in the first couple of cycles after m/c - that your body is "in the zone" or something. I don't think there's any medical evidence out there to support it, but if it's true I wanted to make sure I took advantage of that.

I don't know if it is different for D&C but I think there is a lot of truth to what the other ladies have said about listening to your body and that, if your uterus is not ready for it, it just won't allow you to conceive.

Good luck and I hope you are coping ok. It really is one of the hardest things in the world to go through.

[Celena]

Amberleigh!

We are so sorry to hear of your loss and that it's under these circumstances that we are welcoming you here from... However we have such an awesome supportive group of ladies that you will definitly benefit from having everyone around. The questions, the experiences, the vents, the compassion, there's so much big heartedness here and from my personal experience have definitely benefitted from joining these wonderful ladies. Many have graduated in the time that I've actively joined and posted! So there is HOPE and LOTS OF IT!!!

Onto your question... how to cope with such a loss, it's different for each of us.

I do have to say that each of us is stronger than we can see otherwise we wouldn't be getting thru it at all! It is helpful to have others that see that strength and make us aware of it because we can't always see it in ourselves!

here's a few things I've been doing for myself

Taking things one day at a time helps... every day is different and one day might be great and good, the next might be a flood of sadness and grief. Accept that grieving takes time and that time isn't some predetermined amount set for everyone. We're ALL different!

Be forgiving of yourself... accept that you're not perfect, that miscarrying is NOT your fault, anything that you give yourself a hard time about DON'T because whatever it is it's OK. I have been holding allot of guilt and blame over my second loss along with being hard on myself for things, so I've been *forgiving* myself allot more.

Accept that some things aren't always going to have an answer (that we will ever know) No matter how hard we search for it, then once we get it... it doesn't always make things better or easier. I suffered two losses this summer the second one was a pregnancy just after miscarrying and before my first AF... long story short it was the cause of a doctor's mistaken diagnosis or what he "thought" and later confirmed by a second opinion my gut feelings.

TTC again has helped a little, added some excitement in way but can add to the anxiety and stress too.

I've also started working out, and doing it outside to get the sunshine also

I'm going to grab (cut/paste here) a great article that helped me see that what I've been feeling thru my losses is "normal" or helped me understand rather what my feelings are. I hope it helps!

[Celena]

Miscarriage – Dealing With the Emotional Impact
By Anne Wolski
By Jul 18 2006 - 11:15pm

Miscarriage is the term given to the loss of a baby before it reaches full term. Often, people regard this as bad luck, particularly if it happens in the early weeks of pregnancy. It is difficult for many to fully comprehend the power of a woman’s grief upon this loss as few can understand that the bonding process between mother and child began when she became pregnant.

For some reason, society understands the loss of a baby when stillborn but not from miscarriage. The grief associated with the latter appears to be seen as a lesser grief. However, many women suffer the most passionate sorrow they have ever experienced during this time.

Even if the miscarriage occurs early in the pregnancy, the parents feel a deep sense of loss. They have often made that emotional investment in this baby and have rearranged their lives in readiness for this new life.

Loss of Belief

Often, the mother loses her belief in herself and her basic belief of motherhood as she feels she has failed to protect this child, despite looking after herself and remaining as healthy as possible. The miscarriage forces her to realize that she can’t guarantee the safety of an unborn child and that things don’t always go to plan.

When you set out to become pregnant, or when you find out you are pregnant, the possibility of losing the baby is not even considered. It is thoughts of a beautiful healthy baby that fill your mind and bring great joy.

Taking Time-out from the World

Women cope in different ways with the emotional impact of miscarriage and one of the common coping mechanisms is to shut everyone out of their world. This is done by taking to their bed, ignoring phone calls and visitors and generally just refusing to take an active part in anything outside of their own world.

This is a perfectly normal reaction and is the mind’s way of dealing with the emotional overload of the miscarriage. Because miscarriage can occur very quickly, the impact on both mind and body can be profound and thus, the need for this personal space is a necessity. Besides, you need to come to grips with your loss and if that means a need to feel vulnerable and to snuggle up in bed for a while, then that is okay. Everyone deals with loss differently.

Mixture of emotions

The misery following miscarriage is described by many as being more intense and consuming than any other sadness they have experienced. Sadness, however, is not the only emotion that a woman suffers following this loss.

Another major emotion is that of anger, whether directed toward yourself, your partner, or even the baby that you have lost. You may feel angry at other women who are having healthy babies and resent women who have not looked after themselves as well as you have and yet have healthy babies.

What Caused the Miscarriage?

The cause of miscarriage is not known. There may be contributing factors which may be able to be identified but not a causative factor. This may cause women to look for blame in themselves and to feel guilty as a consequence. After all, how can they be sure that it wasn’t a result of what they did or did not do? No matter how much they are reassured that it is not their fault, they will often still take on some sense of responsibility for the miscarriage.

Some will become consumed in seeking answers about the cause. Was it genetic, something in the food or water, pollution or anything else? No matter how hard you search, you will never find the answer. There is no answer.


Acknowledge the Grief

The profound grief of a miscarriage can be compared to that of the grief you may feel at the loss of a parent or sibling, yet other people cannot understand this. People need to be aware that the loss is not equated to the length of time the woman was pregnant but to the extent to which she had bonded with that baby.

Her grief cannot be adequately resolved until it is acknowledged by all concerned. Because in the case of miscarriage, few women get to see the baby, there is also no closure, thereby creating another obstacle in the grieving process.

Feeling Inadequate

Having a miscarriage can lead to feelings of inadequacy. Often, the woman believes that she is incapable of successfully doing something so basic as having a child and this can cause a drop in self esteem. If you have already experienced miscarriage in the past, these feelings are multiplied, leading to a fear that you will never experience having a child. This can often lead to feelings of emotional insecurity and frustration.


Coping with the Grief

How a woman copes with miscarriage is governed by her own beliefs and coping mechanisms. Some may take months to recover emotionally while others may take less. This, in part, depends on the meaning the woman had already attached to that baby and the space she had already created in her life for the baby.

In the case of an unplanned pregnancy, there may indeed be a sense of relief from miscarriage though this is not to say that all miscarriages of unplanned pregnancy are less distressing than planned pregnancies.

Most women will grieve acutely for around a month or more before it subsides. This does not mean that it is forgotten or even resolved but is simply less acute. For the first week following miscarriage, it is quite normal to cry all day and to feel that you have no control over your life.

A general rule of thumb is that it takes around six weeks to grieve after a major life event such as miscarriage. This is considered to be the time of greatest need so if you don’t expect too much of yourself during that time, you should be able to move on with your life. This, of course, is only a guide to grieving time. If you need longer to recover or if you recover sooner, that is also okay. Grief is always an individual thing!!!

Author's Bio
Anne Wolski has worked in the health and welfare industry for more than 30 years. She is a co-director of general health insurance care healthcare at magnetic-health-online.com and ebook better health all about at betterhealthshoppe.com which are both information portals with many interesting medical articles. She is also an associate of timzbiz.com which features many articles on internet marketing and resources.

[Kary♥RN]

Amberleigh I am so sorry for your loss.... HUGS

Welcome to the board.... We lost our hb at 7 1/2 weeks.. I had a d/e on our two week check up.... And was given the all clear to start trying. I was told thier is no medical reason to wait.. Unless you had complications. And they tell you to wait due to emotional and for dating the pregancy....

Good luck!

[soontobemommy]

I just wanted to thank everyone for your support. It is great to know that there are other women out there who are willing to talk and listen even when its a topic that hurts us all. It really does help to get things out of my head and talk with people who really understand what i am going through.

[Oreobaby]

I lost my baby at about 11 weeks, and also was told the baby didn't develop much after 9 weeks. I had a natural MC so I don't know if it makes a difference, but for me, because I was further along, I waited till I had an AF. Then I just started ttc again this cycle. I know I'm coming into this a little late, but I hope it helped.