[Celena]

What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss:
A letter from women to their friends and family
By: Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar.

The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.

When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

**Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

**Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

**Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between losing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

**Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

**Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

**Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

**Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

**Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

**Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

**Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died" or "when I was pregnant" don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

**Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

**Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.



~Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

~Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

~Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.

If you're my boss or my co-worker:

~Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

~Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.






Miscarriage – Dealing With the Emotional Impact
By Anne Wolski
By Jul 18 2006 - 11:15pm


Miscarriage is the term given to the loss of a baby before it reaches full term. Often, people regard this as bad luck, particularly if it happens in the early weeks of pregnancy. It is difficult for many to fully comprehend the power of a woman’s grief upon this loss as few can understand that the bonding process between mother and child began when she became pregnant.

For some reason, society understands the loss of a baby when stillborn but not from miscarriage. The grief associated with the latter appears to be seen as a lesser grief. However, many women suffer the most passionate sorrow they have ever experienced during this time.

Even if the miscarriage occurs early in the pregnancy, the parents feel a deep sense of loss. They have often made that emotional investment in this baby and have rearranged their lives in readiness for this new life.

Loss of Belief

Often, the mother loses her belief in herself and her basic belief of motherhood as she feels she has failed to protect this child, despite looking after herself and remaining as healthy as possible. The miscarriage forces her to realize that she can’t guarantee the safety of an unborn child and that things don’t always go to plan.

When you set out to become pregnant, or when you find out you are pregnant, the possibility of losing the baby is not even considered. It is thoughts of a beautiful healthy baby that fill your mind and bring great joy.

Taking Time-out from the World

Women cope in different ways with the emotional impact of miscarriage and one of the common coping mechanisms is to shut everyone out of their world. This is done by taking to their bed, ignoring phone calls and visitors and generally just refusing to take an active part in anything outside of their own world.

This is a perfectly normal reaction and is the mind’s way of dealing with the emotional overload of the miscarriage. Because miscarriage can occur very quickly, the impact on both mind and body can be profound and thus, the need for this personal space is a necessity. Besides, you need to come to grips with your loss and if that means a need to feel vulnerable and to snuggle up in bed for a while, then that is okay. Everyone deals with loss differently.

Mixture of emotions

The misery following miscarriage is described by many as being more intense and consuming than any other sadness they have experienced. Sadness, however, is not the only emotion that a woman suffers following this loss.

Another major emotion is that of anger, whether directed toward yourself, your partner, or even the baby that you have lost. You may feel angry at other women who are having healthy babies and resent women who have not looked after themselves as well as you have and yet have healthy babies.

What Caused the Miscarriage?

The cause of miscarriage is not known. There may be contributing factors which may be able to be identified but not a causative factor. This may cause women to look for blame in themselves and to feel guilty as a consequence. After all, how can they be sure that it wasn’t a result of what they did or did not do? No matter how much they are reassured that it is not their fault, they will often still take on some sense of responsibility for the miscarriage.

Some will become consumed in seeking answers about the cause. Was it genetic, something in the food or water, pollution or anything else? No matter how hard you search, you will never find the answer. There is no answer.


Acknowledge the Grief

The profound grief of a miscarriage can be compared to that of the grief you may feel at the loss of a parent or sibling, yet other people cannot understand this. People need to be aware that the loss is not equated to the length of time the woman was pregnant but to the extent to which she had bonded with that baby.

Her grief cannot be adequately resolved until it is acknowledged by all concerned. Because in the case of miscarriage, few women get to see the baby, there is also no closure, thereby creating another obstacle in the grieving process.

Feeling Inadequate

Having a miscarriage can lead to feelings of inadequacy. Often, the woman believes that she is incapable of successfully doing something so basic as having a child and this can cause a drop in self esteem. If you have already experienced miscarriage in the past, these feelings are multiplied, leading to a fear that you will never experience having a child. This can often lead to feelings of emotional insecurity and frustration.


Coping with the Grief

How a woman copes with miscarriage is governed by her own beliefs and coping mechanisms. Some may take months to recover emotionally while others may take less. This, in part, depends on the meaning the woman had already attached to that baby and the space she had already created in her life for the baby.

In the case of an unplanned pregnancy, there may indeed be a sense of relief from miscarriage though this is not to say that all miscarriages of unplanned pregnancy are less distressing than planned pregnancies.

Most women will grieve acutely for around a month or more before it subsides. This does not mean that it is forgotten or even resolved but is simply less acute. For the first week following miscarriage, it is quite normal to cry all day and to feel that you have no control over your life.

A general rule of thumb is that it takes around six weeks to grieve after a major life event such as miscarriage. This is considered to be the time of greatest need so if you don’t expect too much of yourself during that time, you should be able to move on with your life. This, of course, is only a guide to grieving time. If you need longer to recover or if you recover sooner, that is also okay. Grief is always an individual thing!!!

Author's Bio
Anne Wolski has worked in the health and welfare industry for more than 30 years. She is a co-director of general health insurance care healthcare at magnetic-health-online.com and ebook better health all about at betterhealthshoppe.com which are both information portals with many interesting medical articles. She is also an associate of timzbiz.com which features many articles on internet marketing and resources.





]Before I Even Met You
Grieving a Miscarriage


Many people say that the joyous news of a pregnancy should not be shared until after a couple of months, and perhaps for good reason: Recent studies estimate that somewhere between 15 and 20 percent of all known pregnancies end in miscarriage, and 80% of miscarriages take place within the first 12 weeks. Miscarriage is technically defined as a pregnancy that ends within the first 20 weeks (after that, it is called a “stillbirth,” even if the death occurs inside the womb). Miscarriage is a common and complex form of loss. It can take people on an emotional rollercoaster, from the time they first begin expecting a baby and feeling that life begin to grow, to the time it is suddenly taken away.

As with all deaths, guilt is a common response to a miscarriage. Many people wonder if there was something they could have done differently to prevent this tragedy, especially the mother. The truth is, between 50 and 70% of miscarriages are believed to be the result of “chromosomal abnormalities,” meaning that either the egg or the sperm had the wrong number of chromosomes and therefore the fertilized egg could not develop properly. It is such a common phenomenon that many medical providers do not even investigate the cause after a single miscarriage. Pregnancy is such a delicate and mysterious process that even after investigation the cause of more than half of all miscarriages remains unknown. When parents blame themselves, as common as it is, their assumption are not only probably inaccurate, but they are also hindering their own recovery.

Political debates rage about the moment when a life begins, but within the emotional spectrum of a miscarriage many women feel no doubt that the miscarriage involved the death of an individual life. This is no time for politics. Women are likely to suffer all the feelings of loss that accompanies the death of a loved one after a miscarriage. People touched by a miscarriage may find themselves experiencing all the physical, mental and emotional symptoms of grief: nausea, fatigue, aches and pains, anxiety and depression. It can help to know that these responses are normal and tend to subside after time.

Other factors further complicate the issue of grieving a miscarriage. If the pregnancy was kept a secret from co-workers, friends or family, they’ll be completely unaware of the situation, and therefore unable to help. This may make it more difficult to find support and understanding.
People who lose a child often find they can only find a certain kind of support from other parents who have gone through the same experience. The same applies to miscarriage. Finding an online or in person support group can be key to the recovery process.

Grieving is always an individual process, and sufferers may experience varying degrees of denial, anger, and depression before finding acceptance. Some women find it most helpful to dive back into the process of trying to get pregnant, while others feel emotionally unprepared long after their bodies have recovered. Some people find it helpful to inform many people of what has taken place, while others prefer to keep the information within a tight circle. Some people are helped by doing something to commemorate the loss and honor the life of the unborn child. It is important not to follow anyone else’s rules about what to do after a miscarriage. Those suffering should follow their own feelings and do what seems right to them.

[mommie2many]

Thank you for sharing this, Ive read some if it before but not all of it.