I never thought I'd feel this way about HPTs

TeresaSuperMama · #1 October 13th, 2009, 04:40 PM

But I am starting to associate HPTs with really bad feelings. I bought a bunch of dollar store tests and ordered some internet cheapies online so I could test to see if my HCG levels have dropped. I am still getting positives and it is making me crazy. I never thought I'd associate a BFP with a bad feeling. I have always been looking and looking for lines not hoping for a stark white negative. I keep saying I won't test, but then I do it anyways. I have never been one to get all that emotional reading other people's bfps. I am certainly not in that bitter state and I am truly happy for people getting bfps, but every time I read about someone's awesome beta results now I am finding myself tearing up and having to walk away for a moment. These are all weird feelings for me because I didn't feel like that after my last loss and my first loss I wasn't online back then so I don't know how I would have felt. I don't know if it's these pregnancy hormones floating around in me or what - which I could post a whole other rant on that as I am quite tired of feeling so tired. Anyhow, just unloading a little. I can't wait until I can try again. I think this not even being able to feel hopeful for a bfp feeling is making me really crazy. As much as I hate the 2ww I can't wait to be able to at least think I could be having a baby.

missy123 · #2 October 13th, 2009, 05:16 PM

I felt the same way and honestly still do sometimes. It wasn't so bad with my first loss, but since April it just stings. It has been easier for me to be happier for the girls in here since they have gone through the same thing I have.

JessP · #3 October 13th, 2009, 05:39 PM

I am so sorry. Sometimes I get this way. We had to wait so long to start trying again and I was praying it wouldn't take long. I am so happy for the ladies here. I hope you are able to start trying and move on soon.

HopefulMommy81 · #4 October 13th, 2009, 06:25 PM

Teresa,
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Did your doctor/midwife give any indication as to how long it might take for the levels to go down? I totally understand about walking away for a minute when reading about betas and BFP's. I am truly happy people are getting their BFP's but I'm also a little jealous as I only had mine for such a short time. I'm here if you need me, and we'll get through this, OK? T&P for you!

momof6lopez · #5 October 13th, 2009, 09:59 PM

Celena, everthing you wrote tonight I can relate to. BFP's have become my worse nightmaire. Every month that gos by without one, I dont have to worry about a m/c. Im beginning to like the BFN's in a strange way. There is no anxiety, no worries, just nothing. And at this point after 3 losses, its almost welcoming. I love TTC, its like a game to me. Im just not ready for the big score yet I guess.

alicenwonderland · #6 October 13th, 2009, 11:59 PM

*Hugs* I'm sorry Teresa. I think its normal to feel this way. I'm on my 4th cycle out, and i still tear up at little things like that. It's hard to see that BFP and know that you are not expecting a baby from it. And about the betas, i understand. I've had two miscarriages, and therefore have never seen my betas double. When i see other people post about it, it seems almost impossible to me.

.:Shortcake:. · #7 October 14th, 2009, 03:23 AM

Hugs hun. I am so sorry! Praying things start to look up for you!

farasha · #8 October 14th, 2009, 05:14 AM

Hugs... I hope you get your BFN soon so we can start cheering for your BFP. hugs hugs hugs

TeresaSuperMama · #9 October 14th, 2009, 05:44 AM

My line on my dollar store test was fainter today. Not sure if that means anything. I'll be glad when it's Friday.

Trish36 · #10 October 14th, 2009, 05:47 AM

Oh honey..you're not alone. I think waiting is the hardest part and then you start obsessing about everything. My first loss was in March and I still get really emotional sometimes. It does get better with time, but it never goes away entirely. Hopefully you will get that BFN soon (never thought I would say that either)!

momof6lopez · #11 October 14th, 2009, 05:48 AM

Thats a good sign Teresa, the day before mine was negative it looked like it did the day I found out. It was bitter sweet. Praying for good results on Friday for you.

Kary♥RN · #12 October 14th, 2009, 11:27 AM

Teresa.. I know exactly how you feel!!! I looked at + HPT's for almost a month... knowing my pregnancy was gone... I never ever thought I would pray to look at the FRER... and Pray for NO second line... again, and again.... I would pray every Monday going in for thoses draws.. that my numbers were 0... knowing since the line wasnt getting lighter... I knew my numbers most likely were the same.. HUGS... I hope your numbers drop soon!

TeresaSuperMama · #13 October 14th, 2009, 12:21 PM

Thanks again. My lines are definitely lighter. I have had some more bright red bleeding today, but not a ton. I keep thinking this is it! It's finally happening and then it stalls out. I am really hoping that this lighter line means I am heading in the right direction. I will keep you all updated.