[TeresaSuperMama]

Well, I will just say I wish that I felt better about things. I am very worried about this pregnancy. I have posted here and there on the due date club, but haven't managed to bring myself over to the pregnancy after loss board again. Some reason I keep associating that board with my loss last month and don't want to go over there and jinx myself? Um, can you say stupid? I feel like I can easily slip right off of a due date club and nobody notice and yet the pregnancy after loss board is a safe haven and I don't want to think about my loss.

I am so lost in so many different places. One, my tests are still not dark. I have yet to get a line on an internet cheapy test. Well, I might have seen a faint line on the last one. My FRER looked much better today after looking lighter yesterday, but still not a nice dark clear line. I have found myself in tears more often than I can count today. Yesterday I thought I was good. I was feeling fine and yet today I have had a knot in my stomach like something is bad, really bad and I don't want to deal with it. I have yet to call my doctors to get my hcg levels checked. I know that you all will probably say to call, but I just don't want to. I don't want to call tomorrow either. I am just not ready to hear bad news. I am not ready to have my baby jerked away from me. I want to be able to be hopeful. I want to be able to think things are going to be good so I don't want to call.

I sat staring at people's u/s pics today and started crying because I want to see my baby's heart flickering. I am so afraid right now that something is really bad and I feel like I should be getting a line of some sort on an IC test by now. It has really got me down. My FRER yesterday was lighter than Monday's test, but thankfully today's test was darker. I know that all sounds idiotic. I don't want to get beta hcg levels checked, but I want to make myself mad peeing on tests. I am only using the cheapies right now since I have a ton of them. I have one more FRER and I am trying to wait until Friday to use my last one of those.

And on top of this all I am trying to sort out where we go from here if this is another loss. Dh really wants another one and so do I, but I don't know if I can handle trying again after 3 losses in a row. I also know that my doctors have been pretty dismissive about things since I have 6 kids and am just now having recurrent losses. I feel in such a weird spot. I am very, very grateful for all that I have, but I feel such an empty spot and not sure how I can feel complete again without this baby. Anyhow, thanks in advance for listening.

[starrsgirl]

Teresa, I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. Believe me, I am feeling the exact same way...I promise. My DH and I decided though, that we are going to be disgustingly positive about all this. Even when I am convinced I might lose this pregnancy too, I force myself to talk to DH about how well the ultrasound WILL go and what it WILL be like to have a summer baby. I forced myself to make a ticker and to join the DDC. I guess I'm trying to jump in with two feet....but that doesn't mean that I don't feel as apprehensive as you do. I honestly don't know if I'm even strong enough to handle a 3rd loss, you know what I mean?

I know nothing I will say will convince you to stop POAS!! The only reason I'm not is I ran out and won't let myself even go to that section of the stores. Just take this pregnancy one day at a time. Every single day is a victory!

As for calling your doctors, I'm actually not a big hcg blood test pusher. I feel like what happen will happen and your doctor won't take different action based on hcg levels (in other words, if the levels are low...there's no intervention to fix the numbers).

Big hugs to you. You are really strong. Are you running right now? I'm running a lot right now mostly because it's something I CAN control and helps me not feel as stressed, ya know?

[SkyBaby]

I'm so sorry. I was in uncontrollable tears the day before I started bleeding with my first pregnancy. I know how you feel.

I wouldn't want to go to the doctor's either. I completely understand, hun. *hugs*

[JessP]

I wish there was more I could say but I am not sure that any words will help. Know that I am thinking of you and hopeing that your worries are just from you last experience and not because something is wrong. I hope that you go on to have a beautiful, healthy and happy pregnancy with a beautiful baby to brag about to us .

[momof6lopez]

You know Teresa, you took all the words right out of my mouth. Our lives are so similar in so many ways. Im a couple of years older with 2 less kids, but lets not squable about the little things...

This is why Im always so eager to try and so relieved to get Af every month. I know that sounds contradictory to TTCAL, but its in my gut. I can live with AF for a few days and shed a tear or two about the bfns, but when the BFP comes along, my world falls apart.

Time is not going to change this fear for me, as Im sure it will never change for you. I POAS'd last pregnancy in Sept so many times, it was freakish. On the second day I got my digi, I told myself "Im done, I feel good, this one is going to be different". I really felt that way, until the next morning, when my mind was logical and wanted just one more. That test on 13dpo was as dark as the control line! Satisfied right? No........ had to do it the next morning too........and that is when my world fell apart. Only us, people who have m/c'd, can see the slight difference in color. Everyone kept saying, wow look how dark it is for 14dpo, and all I could think was "should of seen how dark it was yesterday". I could not let it go, I poas'd that day every 3hrs like a mad woman. Wathcing the lines stay the same as the morning, and by midnight, even lighter.

I guess what Im trying to say is, I understand, we understand, the emotional toll this takes on us. It is so very difficult to find enough positivity to just enjoy one day.

Im praying that this pregnancy goes all the way for you, it has too, you deserve this. Your chances of having a healthy baby are no less than anyone else in your ddc. Just because you had a loss last month, does not mean you will this month. Lots of women go on to get pg right after their first cycle and have healthy babies, you will be no different.

Do whatever it takes to reasure yourself, your not a nut job, I promise you. Your just a mother of 6 wonderful children and 3 lovely angel babies and one more earth baby coming. Stay with us awhile, while your gathering yourself and feel confident enough to jump back into your ddc. People understand these things more than we think.

Lots of love and positive thoughts coming your way tonight........

[charm]

Sweetie I have felt the same when I had my first lot of betas drawn they were only 52 and I had my 6 week scan and there was only a speck which he assured me is the faetal pole but it's hard when it's only a speck it's hard after loss I just pray all goes well for you.

[Trish36]

Teresa, I'm sorry you are going through this and I wish you could see that baby right now and be reassured. I can totally relate to the way you are feeling. HUGS!!! I'm sending you tons of sticky dust and pray that this little bean keeps on baking.

[TeresaSuperMama]

Digi says "Not Pregnant" today. Not sure when I will be up to posting again. I can't do this today.

[momof6lopez]

Teresa, Im litteraly in tears, no one has ever done this to me on the boards. My heart is breaking for you, you deserve so much more than this..........Im at a loss of words right now for you, just know that my thoughts and so many prayers are for you right now.

[.:Shortcake:.]

Oh hunnie I am so sorry... Its just not fair. Hugs.

[abi]

I know that nothing I say will probably make you feel any better right now...but I just wanted to offer my love and *hugs*

[*MomofO&Nat*]

Teresa,
I am so so sorry for you. I am hoping and praying it will be ok for you. And it really angers me what the doctors said to you. Just because you have other kids does NOT make you any less of a patient for them,or any less worthy to have another baby, and they should be helping you figure it out, not dismissing what you say. UGH. Thinking of you!

[jackie1022]

So sorry you are going through this, I just had my 3rd loss in a row and know exactly what you are going through. I am so sorry

[krystal g]

Teresa, I am so sorry. I'm in tears for you. It's just not fair and it doesn't matter how many kids you already have...a loss is just as tragic for you. I'm thinking of you.

[Kary♥RN]

Teresa.. I am so sorry. HUGS... I didn't even want to open this... my heart aches for you. Back to back losses are so hard. HUGS.... We are here for you when you are ready. HUGS

[jensma]

OMG i am so sorry Teresa!!!